I don't think I can do this alone ;(
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
This happens to me every time I attempt sobriety - the flashbacks are so vivid and so traumatic I seek the numbness again. I now have a wonderful partner who will care and understand so I'm lucky. Can you have therapy?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
Thank you all so much for the kind welcome. I needed that... Yet I have been trying to reply here every day but keep deleting, I don't know why.
Still going though, day 12 and I feel absolutely horrible.
Daisy, I'm looking to find a therapist but it may take a while, they have a waiting list. My partner doesn't understand it much. He has led a life completely opposite of mine and I feel we are drifting further and further apart.
Going to have another cry now.
Still going though, day 12 and I feel absolutely horrible.
Daisy, I'm looking to find a therapist but it may take a while, they have a waiting list. My partner doesn't understand it much. He has led a life completely opposite of mine and I feel we are drifting further and further apart.
Going to have another cry now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
I sometimes also struggle in knowing what to say and will do the same thing. I think it's great you're on day 12.
I am sorry to hear of all the emotional turmoil you're going through.
Is there someone else that you trust that you could talk to? Maybe you could talk to a pastor at a church? I am a bit worried about you. However, I am glad you're here.
*hugs*
I am sorry to hear of all the emotional turmoil you're going through.
Is there someone else that you trust that you could talk to? Maybe you could talk to a pastor at a church? I am a bit worried about you. However, I am glad you're here.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
funny how social media is screaming becareful.. people like all of us.. are tough willing to go the extra mile for each other and selves and we bear our hearts to the tech here... Ladies and Gentlemen Thank you all for being the Strong People of Faith Honor and Respect that is needed so much.. today.. and Ev you scream cry and write here kiddo for these great people have all been in your shoes and walked that path... hugs prayers and what city are you in what state.. for some of us do types of work that helps othes.. really... hugs ardy..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
Thanks Ardy for the friend request. Don't know what to do with it yet but it makes me feel a little bit less lonely.
Kind of freaking out. Had a couple of small relapses after I had made it to day 16, but on day 5 again. It feels like I don't know myself at all as I'm trying to put the shattered pieces of me back together. I used to be pretty smart, good grades and some even said I was gifted when I was little, I wanted to be a vet and I loved to sing. But my mom always told me to stop being weird (that was her response to lots of things I said or did), should just marry a rich guy, and be an accountant or something and my dad never let a chance slide to tell me how bad my singing was. They tell me now those were jokes. End of story to them. Not to me. I've felt weird all my life, never relating to anybody and not even remotely liking myself. Soon I learned to mirror people, and lo and behold, they liked me (if only for a while) if I pretended to be more like them! This has become my second nature. I could fill my inner emptiness with alcohol and appear fine.
But now I don't know who it is, looking back at me in the mirror with eyes that lack a spark. The only connection I feel sometimes is to my sweet critters. Last week, a calf at my boyfriends' farm, with a huge heart-shaped spot on her forehead, got sick. I tried to nurse it while no-one even bothered to call a vet. She fought like a bull but got weaker and weaker. I couldn't do anything to save her and it made me feel so powerless... How different it could've been, if only... Now I just told her to let go, this life isn't good enough for her anyway. Maybe she'll wait for me and I'll see her again, some beautiful day, along with the others I've lost.
When I got home, I went online to look for books on microbiology and a microscope. Realising that didn't change, I still want to be a vet. But it's too late. Not only is my brain mush, and needs whatever time to heal, but who would still trust me with their beloved animals, ever? I know I wouldn't. I don't even trust myself with my own pets, most of the time. Thinking they could be better off.
Even though I always make sure nobody is listening, I never feel like singing anymore, either.
Thanks for letting me vent here.
Kind of freaking out. Had a couple of small relapses after I had made it to day 16, but on day 5 again. It feels like I don't know myself at all as I'm trying to put the shattered pieces of me back together. I used to be pretty smart, good grades and some even said I was gifted when I was little, I wanted to be a vet and I loved to sing. But my mom always told me to stop being weird (that was her response to lots of things I said or did), should just marry a rich guy, and be an accountant or something and my dad never let a chance slide to tell me how bad my singing was. They tell me now those were jokes. End of story to them. Not to me. I've felt weird all my life, never relating to anybody and not even remotely liking myself. Soon I learned to mirror people, and lo and behold, they liked me (if only for a while) if I pretended to be more like them! This has become my second nature. I could fill my inner emptiness with alcohol and appear fine.
But now I don't know who it is, looking back at me in the mirror with eyes that lack a spark. The only connection I feel sometimes is to my sweet critters. Last week, a calf at my boyfriends' farm, with a huge heart-shaped spot on her forehead, got sick. I tried to nurse it while no-one even bothered to call a vet. She fought like a bull but got weaker and weaker. I couldn't do anything to save her and it made me feel so powerless... How different it could've been, if only... Now I just told her to let go, this life isn't good enough for her anyway. Maybe she'll wait for me and I'll see her again, some beautiful day, along with the others I've lost.
When I got home, I went online to look for books on microbiology and a microscope. Realising that didn't change, I still want to be a vet. But it's too late. Not only is my brain mush, and needs whatever time to heal, but who would still trust me with their beloved animals, ever? I know I wouldn't. I don't even trust myself with my own pets, most of the time. Thinking they could be better off.
Even though I always make sure nobody is listening, I never feel like singing anymore, either.
Thanks for letting me vent here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Kiddo its never to late ever to do the things you want to most.. look it up check it out.. vets in your area probably have openings for good help wanted and they train.. or if you have a full time job and need to help out check out your Bark Parks or Dog Walking or County Fair for volunteers wanted.. so many places to find your sparkle and heart once again... when I was growing up my Pop hated everything we tried to do. I could have been a Page in DC for a year.. President Nixon asked my Pop for me to come and do that .. or an intern here in Wisconsin Gov Knowles tried to get him to let me do that.. we never could go far without someone reporting back to my Dad on my behavior or my thoughts.. never had any to prevent punishment..
My Kids never heard the word you can't My Daughter is in London City in the Financial District and speaks 3 langauges.. my oldest son designs computer compotents and speaks 4.. My Son the Moose is a Sgt in the Army. a Trainer of young Uniforms with honor and heart going for his Pastors degree... kiddo you look at this old Lady Clown and then in the mirror ; You can Do anything you want Why because I believe in you. and so many here do to.. promise.. and Marines Make and keep Promises love ardy...
My Kids never heard the word you can't My Daughter is in London City in the Financial District and speaks 3 langauges.. my oldest son designs computer compotents and speaks 4.. My Son the Moose is a Sgt in the Army. a Trainer of young Uniforms with honor and heart going for his Pastors degree... kiddo you look at this old Lady Clown and then in the mirror ; You can Do anything you want Why because I believe in you. and so many here do to.. promise.. and Marines Make and keep Promises love ardy...
Originally Posted by Evienne 
Thanks Ardy for the friend request. Don't know what to do with it yet but it makes me feel a little bit less lonely.
Kind of freaking out. Had a couple of small relapses after I had made it to day 16, but on day 5 again. It feels like I don't know myself at all as I'm trying to put the shattered pieces of me back together. I used to be pretty smart, good grades and some even said I was gifted when I was little, I wanted to be a vet and I loved to sing. But my mom always told me to stop being weird (that was her response to lots of things I said or did), should just marry a rich guy, and be an accountant or something and my dad never let a chance slide to tell me how bad my singing was. They tell me now those were jokes. End of story to them. Not to me. I've felt weird all my life, never relating to anybody and not even remotely liking myself. Soon I learned to mirror people, and lo and behold, they liked me (if only for a while) if I pretended to be more like them! This has become my second nature. I could fill my inner emptiness with alcohol and appear fine.
But now I don't know who it is, looking back at me in the mirror with eyes that lack a spark. The only connection I feel sometimes is to my sweet critters. Last week, a calf at my boyfriends' farm, with a huge heart-shaped spot on her forehead, got sick. I tried to nurse it while no-one even bothered to call a vet. She fought like a bull but got weaker and weaker. I couldn't do anything to save her and it made me feel so powerless... How different it could've been, if only... Now I just told her to let go, this life isn't good enough for her anyway. Maybe she'll wait for me and I'll see her again, some beautiful day, along with the others I've lost.
When I got home, I went online to look for books on microbiology and a microscope. Realising that didn't change, I still want to be a vet. But it's too late. Not only is my brain mush, and needs whatever time to heal, but who would still trust me with their beloved animals, ever? I know I wouldn't. I don't even trust myself with my own pets, most of the time. Thinking they could be better off.
Even though I always make sure nobody is listening, I never feel like singing anymore, either.
Thanks for letting me vent here.
Kind of freaking out. Had a couple of small relapses after I had made it to day 16, but on day 5 again. It feels like I don't know myself at all as I'm trying to put the shattered pieces of me back together. I used to be pretty smart, good grades and some even said I was gifted when I was little, I wanted to be a vet and I loved to sing. But my mom always told me to stop being weird (that was her response to lots of things I said or did), should just marry a rich guy, and be an accountant or something and my dad never let a chance slide to tell me how bad my singing was. They tell me now those were jokes. End of story to them. Not to me. I've felt weird all my life, never relating to anybody and not even remotely liking myself. Soon I learned to mirror people, and lo and behold, they liked me (if only for a while) if I pretended to be more like them! This has become my second nature. I could fill my inner emptiness with alcohol and appear fine.
But now I don't know who it is, looking back at me in the mirror with eyes that lack a spark. The only connection I feel sometimes is to my sweet critters. Last week, a calf at my boyfriends' farm, with a huge heart-shaped spot on her forehead, got sick. I tried to nurse it while no-one even bothered to call a vet. She fought like a bull but got weaker and weaker. I couldn't do anything to save her and it made me feel so powerless... How different it could've been, if only... Now I just told her to let go, this life isn't good enough for her anyway. Maybe she'll wait for me and I'll see her again, some beautiful day, along with the others I've lost.
When I got home, I went online to look for books on microbiology and a microscope. Realising that didn't change, I still want to be a vet. But it's too late. Not only is my brain mush, and needs whatever time to heal, but who would still trust me with their beloved animals, ever? I know I wouldn't. I don't even trust myself with my own pets, most of the time. Thinking they could be better off.
Even though I always make sure nobody is listening, I never feel like singing anymore, either.
Thanks for letting me vent here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
Hi Ardy, seems like you did a great job raising your kids and living proof we are not at all doomed to make the same mistakes our parents did. That gives me a lot of hope. I would love to have kids but am terrified and don't trust society so much but I have called foster care to go to one of their meetings, maybe I can help a child who is already in this world but not in a good place. I would have to tell foster care about my issues though, so I hope they will give me a chance regardless of my own mishaps.
The farrier will be coming to see my ponies soon and if I have the nerve, I will ask him if I can come with him for a day a week or so. My own vets are really busy, building their new home and practice, so I'll ask, but won't count on it too much. If they come by for our animals I'm always asking tons of (maybe dumb) questions and I'm not sure whether they like that or just wish I would shut up and let them do their job.
I am saving up the money I would've otherwise spent on booze though. In a couple of weeks I should have saved enough to buy that book and microscope so I just might, and see what happens. And if I relapse again, I will send half of those savings to a good cause, I suppose.
Yesterday I felt so awful until I posted here. Now my cheeks are dry and my frown is gone. Still not amazing, but managable and no cravings but coffee and chocolate. Tonight I'll try to talk to my bf about all this but it scares me.
I even sung yesterday, albeit not very happily, but I did.
Thank you so much for believing in me, even though we are thousands of miles apart!
The farrier will be coming to see my ponies soon and if I have the nerve, I will ask him if I can come with him for a day a week or so. My own vets are really busy, building their new home and practice, so I'll ask, but won't count on it too much. If they come by for our animals I'm always asking tons of (maybe dumb) questions and I'm not sure whether they like that or just wish I would shut up and let them do their job.
I am saving up the money I would've otherwise spent on booze though. In a couple of weeks I should have saved enough to buy that book and microscope so I just might, and see what happens. And if I relapse again, I will send half of those savings to a good cause, I suppose.
Yesterday I felt so awful until I posted here. Now my cheeks are dry and my frown is gone. Still not amazing, but managable and no cravings but coffee and chocolate. Tonight I'll try to talk to my bf about all this but it scares me.
I even sung yesterday, albeit not very happily, but I did.
Thank you so much for believing in me, even though we are thousands of miles apart!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Ponies Kiddo you have Ponies.. that my Dear Girl is just such a start.. for Horses and people have a DNA code that travels thro life and the miles. wow.. just Wow.. you can do this. check with your city is there a parade that you can be in... a childrens place that you can take a pony and have the children become connected too.. wow just wow.. now get out there and brush them down talk to them and they will show you a path that you have fogotten .. hugs hugs hugs.. ardy....
Originally Posted by Evienne
Hi Ardy, seems like you did a great job raising your kids and living proof we are not at all doomed to make the same mistakes our parents did. That gives me a lot of hope. I would love to have kids but am terrified and don't trust society so much but I have called foster care to go to one of their meetings, maybe I can help a child who is already in this world but not in a good place. I would have to tell foster care about my issues though, so I hope they will give me a chance regardless of my own mishaps.
The farrier will be coming to see my ponies soon and if I have the nerve, I will ask him if I can come with him for a day a week or so. My own vets are really busy, building their new home and practice, so I'll ask, but won't count on it too much. If they come by for our animals I'm always asking tons of (maybe dumb) questions and I'm not sure whether they like that or just wish I would shut up and let them do their job.
I am saving up the money I would've otherwise spent on booze though. In a couple of weeks I should have saved enough to buy that book and microscope so I just might, and see what happens. And if I relapse again, I will send half of those savings to a good cause, I suppose.
Yesterday I felt so awful until I posted here. Now my cheeks are dry and my frown is gone. Still not amazing, but managable and no cravings but coffee and chocolate. Tonight I'll try to talk to my bf about all this but it scares me.
I even sung yesterday, albeit not very happily, but I did.
Thank you so much for believing in me, even though we are thousands of miles apart!
The farrier will be coming to see my ponies soon and if I have the nerve, I will ask him if I can come with him for a day a week or so. My own vets are really busy, building their new home and practice, so I'll ask, but won't count on it too much. If they come by for our animals I'm always asking tons of (maybe dumb) questions and I'm not sure whether they like that or just wish I would shut up and let them do their job.
I am saving up the money I would've otherwise spent on booze though. In a couple of weeks I should have saved enough to buy that book and microscope so I just might, and see what happens. And if I relapse again, I will send half of those savings to a good cause, I suppose.
Yesterday I felt so awful until I posted here. Now my cheeks are dry and my frown is gone. Still not amazing, but managable and no cravings but coffee and chocolate. Tonight I'll try to talk to my bf about all this but it scares me.
I even sung yesterday, albeit not very happily, but I did.
Thank you so much for believing in me, even though we are thousands of miles apart!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
Now you're making me cry again... but it's the good kind 
Thank you Serene, I'm beginning to see I might be worth it after all. I keep reading the guilt and shame will fade so I'll keep going. One day at a time.
Ardy, you are so right, my ponies are so amazing. Sometimes I'm so depressed I don't even want to go see them, but then I do, and they whinny and run towards me and all else fades. I bought them a cart which they will have to learn to pull, and though I'm kind of scared I'm not the one to teach them I'm trying. I hope they will soon be wellbehaved enough to share their gift with anyone. You know what, I'm going to give them a hug right now.
Thank you Serene, I'm beginning to see I might be worth it after all. I keep reading the guilt and shame will fade so I'll keep going. One day at a time.
Ardy, you are so right, my ponies are so amazing. Sometimes I'm so depressed I don't even want to go see them, but then I do, and they whinny and run towards me and all else fades. I bought them a cart which they will have to learn to pull, and though I'm kind of scared I'm not the one to teach them I'm trying. I hope they will soon be wellbehaved enough to share their gift with anyone. You know what, I'm going to give them a hug right now.
Sober Soldier
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,911
Hi Evienne. As long as you are alive and breathing, it is never too late to do what you want to do. Don't let your past determine your future.
The fact that you keep getting yourself back on the sober path even after a few slip-ups tells me that you are someone who keeps trying even after they fail. And failing does not make you a failure. Believe that. If you have something you are passionate about, don't let your age, your past mistakes, or what anyone says convince you that you are not worthy of chasing those passions.
I wish you all the best!
The fact that you keep getting yourself back on the sober path even after a few slip-ups tells me that you are someone who keeps trying even after they fail. And failing does not make you a failure. Believe that. If you have something you are passionate about, don't let your age, your past mistakes, or what anyone says convince you that you are not worthy of chasing those passions.
I wish you all the best!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
oh babe you go out there and hug them from me too.. miss that ability to walk out to a barn and feed clean and brush and know that this life means so very very much.. have to wait to spring to go to a farm for retired Morgans that have been in the military.. I brush them and they start to curry me.. love those Vets so much.. ardy
Originally Posted by Evienne
Now you're making me cry again... but it's the good kind
Thank you Serene, I'm beginning to see I might be worth it after all. I keep reading the guilt and shame will fade so I'll keep going. One day at a time.
Ardy, you are so right, my ponies are so amazing. Sometimes I'm so depressed I don't even want to go see them, but then I do, and they whinny and run towards me and all else fades. I bought them a cart which they will have to learn to pull, and though I'm kind of scared I'm not the one to teach them I'm trying. I hope they will soon be wellbehaved enough to share their gift with anyone. You know what, I'm going to give them a hug right now.
Thank you Serene, I'm beginning to see I might be worth it after all. I keep reading the guilt and shame will fade so I'll keep going. One day at a time.
Ardy, you are so right, my ponies are so amazing. Sometimes I'm so depressed I don't even want to go see them, but then I do, and they whinny and run towards me and all else fades. I bought them a cart which they will have to learn to pull, and though I'm kind of scared I'm not the one to teach them I'm trying. I hope they will soon be wellbehaved enough to share their gift with anyone. You know what, I'm going to give them a hug right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,285
Welcome, Etienne! I think there are more people than we realize who have been through very tough things in their lives. It's good that you are working hard to stay sober. I found that trying to drown my troubles didn't work well at all. The troubles were still there when I was sober and then there were the feelings of shame from drinking. I didn't want to go to AA but finally did and for me the combination of SR, AA and an intensive outpatient program worked. I've also had many years of therapy. None of these by themselves was enough.
I felt a lot like you do for awhile but now feel much better about myself. One of the benefits of AA is the f2f acceptance of us as we are. I've found lots of support there and have made new friends.
Please do whatever it takes to keep yourself out of that downward spiral. We are all worth it and it's never too late. I'm a "senior citizen" and still always learning!
I felt a lot like you do for awhile but now feel much better about myself. One of the benefits of AA is the f2f acceptance of us as we are. I've found lots of support there and have made new friends.
Please do whatever it takes to keep yourself out of that downward spiral. We are all worth it and it's never too late. I'm a "senior citizen" and still always learning!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Most of us cant do it alone, that is why this is such a big community. Just stick close by, post when you feel you need to. Complain when you feel you need to. And best off all REJOICE when you feel you need to! We've been through it all and back, and we can help you start making steps along your path to sobriety. Its a good thing we are all here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
Thank you all. I never fully realised there were so many of us.
Just broke things off with my boyfriend. Felt lonely even with him in the same room. No tears yet but worried that I just made a terrible mistake. He is so sweet, I feel awful for hurting him. What if I never find anyone like him again? Should I have just stuck with him through all this?
I don't know anything anymore.
Just broke things off with my boyfriend. Felt lonely even with him in the same room. No tears yet but worried that I just made a terrible mistake. He is so sweet, I feel awful for hurting him. What if I never find anyone like him again? Should I have just stuck with him through all this?
I don't know anything anymore.
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