SoberD

As the title suggests, I have always had extreme difficulties in recovery with forgiving myself for the many awful things I have done as an alcoholic. I'm sure the list is familiar: lying, cheating, blackout driving, fighting, promiscuity, manipulation, using people, etc.

Do these feeling tend to subside when the mind and body begin to heal over time? I know the adage(s) of "not being able to change the past," etc., but they don't seem to provide much comfort when the shame and guilt pervades your thoughts...

Thanks, D

Soberpotamus

I have found they do subside in time, yes.

Coldfusion

I have found that stuff like this is what AA is all about.

Jsbodhi

I struggle with this too, I have done each one of those things you mentioned and it's disgusting.

SoberD

[QUOTE=SoberJennie;5040244]I have found they do subside in time, yes.[/QUOTE

I'm sure it's different for every person Jennie but do you mind me asking when you found some relief from this and if there was anything you found particularly helpful?

Soberpotamus

Thats hard to say really. Im unsure of when it happened - probably its been a snowball effect.

I read loads of self-help, recovery, and lately, spiritual and buddhist books. Books have been a major influence. Also my tendency to be objective, think like a scientist, and my personality is very future oriented might have all contributed.

Soberpotamus

Bradshaw, Brene Brown, Tara Brach, and Ernest Kurtz - check them out. All have written about shame, vulnerability, self love.

SoberComposer

I feel that regret should be felt when someone repeats mistakes that they know are wrong. It's a part of our human experience that punishes us when we are the only ones who know.

But... when we decide to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them, then regret has no place.

After all.. we are all children at various levels of wisdom. We should forgive those who fault us out of sickness, as we should forgive ourselves for the same reason. Forgiveness = Redemption

Much Love and Best of Luck SoberD.

Forgive yourself; Free yourself

SoberD

Thanks Jennie - coincidentally, I was reading my Buddhism books today too - they have helped me in some very tough times

Soberpotamus

Are you meditating? I started back in September. I feel like it is helping me some throughout the day but still so early to tell.

SoberD

Thanks SC - appreciate the kind words. I think my current regret comes from repeating the same mistakes for so many years...so maybe when I finally quit the booze, the regrets will go with it...

SoberD

I also have started making reparations for all the the pain I have caused people...chalked up a few sincere and well-received apologies tonight, including to my ex-wife. It felt really good...

Inchworm

Compassion for myself helps during those periods of shame. It's hard to muster sometimes, because letting go does not come easily. I have to practice.

SoberComposer

That's awesome SoberD!! I'm glad she was receptive and it went well

JanieJ

Glad to see this thread, thank you for starting it SoberD. I'm glad your apologies were accepted.

SoberJennie, Sobercomposer, and Inchworm, thank you for the advice.

Regret/guilt/awareness has just started to hit me, 46 days in, and also I'm discovering that I'm not an emotionally stable person, or mentally well.

I feel afraid of the weight of the things I have to address, emotionally. Fragile, like I could break. I guess it 's how I've always felt, but numbed it out. The shame is quite strong, I realise.


Coldfusion, I have just started working the steps, as you say, that is what AA is about.

Jsbodhi, hope you feel better about yourself soon, at least we can start to make amends now.

LDT

SoberD, this is something I struggled with for a long time. I beat myself up almost daily for my past. Regret...shame... Many people find the answer through AA.....I eventually found relief and peace through the healing practice of Yin yoga. It's a physical and yet very meditative practice. I made my amends and continue to practice daily, and I can gratefully report that I am no longer living in shame. Life is really good now.

I wish you well.

HeartsAfire

The link below was a tremendous help to me when I worked Steps 8 & 9. It was especially helpful when I needed to make amends to people who were no longer "safe" for me to make amends to in person (or via letter). The most important part of this exercise was when I did it for myself.

I want to echo the recommendations of the authors SoberJennie mentioned above. I'll also add Melody Beattie & Louise Hay.

40-Days to Real Forgiveness, My Story Using J. Everett Irion’s Wisdom | Notes Along the Path

EndGameNYC

I'm not at all an evangelist for AA. It's where I got sober and how I learned to live a better life. I also learned to become a more forgiving person by working through the AA Big Book Twelve Steps. I still live with regrets, but I no longer destroy myself over things I've done. As long as I continue to take care of myself, this will likely never again be an issue for me.

Step Ten tells us that we are not perfect, and that we will fail again, but that we now have something that we can and usually will do about it. "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." Yet another defense against accumulating resentments.

Wastinglife

I also struggle with guilt and shame. As I descended further into alcoholism, my behaviour when drunk became more and more anti-social. Fights, arrests, infidelity, lying, stealing etc.

It's hard to forgive myself. It seems like everyday a repressed memory from my drinking days is triggered and I have to start the guilt cycle again. All I can do is not drink and just face it.

SoberD

Thank you WL - yes, if I continue to drink, my worry is that the pile of regret and misdeeds will grow so large that I will never be able to think that I am a "normal" person again. In other words, I could pass the point of no return. Dealing with the shame and guilt as a sober person sounds like a much better proposition...