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Bad influences

Old 11-25-2014, 12:42 PM
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Bad influences

Hi all,

just wondering how you deal with those people who used to be your drinking buddies? I have one friend in particular who keeps insisting I not be so uptight about being sober and it's fine to let your hair down, life's too boring otherwise. But I don't agree, one bit.

How do you keep making the excuses to your friends that you'd much rather be sat in on a weekend that out partying?! I hate letting people down but I hate falling off the wagon just cos I couldn't bear to disappoint.
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Old 11-25-2014, 12:44 PM
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If I told someone one time that I was no longer drinking and that person continued to push it, I'd have to let them know that I would not be spending any more time with them. That's not a friend.
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Old 11-25-2014, 12:49 PM
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Eventually the drinking buddies will go by the wayside, it's a sad reality of getting Sober.

But think about the new friends you will meet in Sobriety, also I realised surely a good friend should stand behind an important decision with regards my health, is that really someone I need at those important points in life, who can't accept a simple decision over alcohol?!!

Tough decisions need to be made, but it will all work out in the end!!
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Old 11-25-2014, 12:50 PM
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But having to say that to someone and feeling their judgement of me seem so difficult to do! However I value my sobriety so much, I feel quite torn.
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Old 11-25-2014, 12:55 PM
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This is not a friend. A real friend would be glad that you are taking steps to become healthy and would be supportive. This person just need a drinking buddy and might even deep inside resent you and try to bring you down. For all you know, he has taken bets about how long you'll go before you pick up again.
Your sobriety vs that kind of "friend" should be a no brainer.
One thing I have learned in recovery (and it took me a long time to understand what it meant) is that What other people think of me is none of my business.
What's more important to you? Being sober or what that person thinks about you?
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Old 11-25-2014, 12:57 PM
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So, tell them you'll call them when you're ready to go out. No means no.

Part of recovery means being accountable for all of our decisions, which means that no one can convince you to do anything you do not want to do.

I love the phrase in AA, "What other people think of me is none of my business."

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Old 11-25-2014, 12:57 PM
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Hey boombox-

For me, the majority of my 'drinking-buddies' were just that. Just some buddies to drink with. Once I removed alcohol from my life, my drinking buddies and I had really nothing in common. I mean even meeting up while I only had non-booze drinks was no fun, as I learned the only thing we really had in common was drinking. So, as Purpleknight said, they seem to just go by the wayside.

Also, I really don't think you need to justify yourself to your buddies on why you no longer want to drink. If they give you some grief about it, I'd bet it's only because they just want a pal to go drink with.

When I stopped I use to invite some of my drinking buddies to play tennis, go for a run, bike or whatever. When I stopped the booze, they were really not too interested in doing the non drinking stuff. After a while, I've come to learn that most of my friends were in fact just people to drink with, and not much more.
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Old 11-25-2014, 12:58 PM
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@ Carlotta.
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Old 11-25-2014, 12:58 PM
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Originally Posted by boombox View Post
But having to say that to someone and feeling their judgement of me seem so difficult to do! However I value my sobriety so much, I feel quite torn.
A real friend wants the best for you and right now you dont want to upset someone who couldnt care less if you drank or not

dont feel torn live your sober life bud
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Old 11-25-2014, 01:08 PM
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Wow, guys you are all amazing. I've got a night out coming up with some of these "buddies" and want to show off the more interesting sober me. But I know that it's unchartered territory for me in my sobriety and don't want to fail. You guys have given me some comfort.
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Old 11-25-2014, 01:09 PM
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Hey there,

I found this is a tough one. I've been finding it pretty ... um ... involved to figure out exactly how to handle drinking buddies. I decided ages ago that just writing people off because I used to primarily get drunk with them wasn't fair so I pretty much let things pan out 'organically.'

I think the big thing for me is priorities. How important is drinking/ drugging with this person? As I've found, if it's really important, the relationship is gonna drop off anyway because I'm not going to do that.

There are particular people in my life who do, indeed, seem to be just waiting for me to relapse. I know they'd actively encourage it if I did. I'm in the process of ditching these people, cos I think it's crap :=]

It is sad losing people but, ultimately, if they're going to bail because I'm sober then I didn't actually have a meaningful relationship with them in the first place. I was just kidding myself. Take care.
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Old 11-25-2014, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by boombox View Post
I've got a night out coming up with some of these "buddies" and want to show off the more interesting sober me.
Does the night out revolve mainly around drinking and drinking establishments? I tried to keep contact with some of my drinking buddies and hang out with them sober while they were all drinking, but to be blunt I didn't belong. And they didn't want me around if I wasn't drinking.

It's difficult to imagine I know, but there is a whole world out there of people who are socially active without drinking. Actually, it's the majority. The Bar scene caters to a minority of those that can handle binge drinking and alcoholics.
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Old 11-25-2014, 01:14 PM
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Carlotta is right. I have no doubt some are taking bets when you'll drink again. They are not friends.
I actually have a friend who drinks. I recall a couple months ago I said a beer would be nice right now as we were leaving a concert. He basically told me 'over my dead body'.

That is a friend. Drinking buddies are just that 'drinking buddies'. You need to find some sober buddies. More often than not, sober buddies turn into sober friends.
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Old 11-25-2014, 01:19 PM
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Boombox i would really reconsider a night out sober with drinking buddies in early sobriety

As D always build up some sober muscles first

im thinking of your sobriety boombox like a real friend should

i can see a lot of real friends on this thread too
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Old 11-25-2014, 01:35 PM
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Last spring I felt a lot like you, Boom. And I went through a time when I thought all those drinking buddies were just that - just drinking buddies. With time, however, I've learned that many of them drank and still drink, but not like me. Bit by bit I've realized that some, not all, of those people actually really were and still are friends. Of course, as a musician I had to decide to give up playing in bars and restaurants or brave the scene. Anyway, give yourself time. If you're not ready don't push it.

Some people still ask, "Are you still on the wagon?" My response is, "No, I'm not on the wagon. I don't drink anymore. It's different."

I've learned to be comfortable around drinkers, and I've learned to be accepting of their individual journeys. A lot of those folks are just fine. Some are far from it. And I know if I were still drinking I would most definitely NOT be fine.

For the most part people don't ask and don't care. I drink club soda with lime and they don't need to know if I have vodka or liquid acid or turpentine in there.

That said, I don't go to bars unless there is live music. Without the music I just get bored. The conversation tends to be better in coffee houses, anyway.
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Old 11-25-2014, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by boombox View Post
Hi all,

just wondering how you deal with those people who used to be your drinking buddies? I have one friend in particular who keeps insisting I not be so uptight about being sober and it's fine to let your hair down, life's too boring otherwise. But I don't agree, one bit.
This is not a friend.

Your true friends will support you and not try to dissuade you from recovery.
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Old 11-25-2014, 01:58 PM
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Hi Boombox

By the end of my drinking career almost all of my friends were drinking buddies. Alcohol was the common element in a lot of my relationships . Many people were peeved when that changed and many tried to get me back in - 'just go easy on the beers' (!)

Those who supported me are still around...those who did not, are not.

I decided ages ago that just writing people off because I used to primarily get drunk with them wasn't fair
I'm not denying that some of my buddies were good friends, even if the common element was drinking.

Good and bad some of those guy shared a lot of my life.

But - would you encourage a mate to drink who drank like we did, Andy?
That's not mateship - that's something else.

In the end, however painful, I knew I had to write off anyone who could support me, because it really was life or death for me.

D
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