Addiction: starts with delusion.....ends with letting go of delusion
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Addiction: starts with delusion.....ends with letting go of delusion
My struggle with addiction has taught me a lot about myself. Particularly that for as long as I can remember I have lived in delusion. This I believe is the root of my addiction. My conditioning as a child…….because nothing in the external world validated me so I lived in delusion. Now as an adult, I know that we can’t rely on the external world for our own self worth. But as children…unless someone embraces us and tells us this…..how are we to know? So growing up I read a lot. I got lost in books and then my own illusions of how my life was supposed to be. In my head I possessed all of those that were valued by the world around me. I was pretty, I had friends, boys liked me, I was good at sports…….I wasn’t invisible to the world.
Then when I was around 15 I started drinking. And it immediately made me feel social and accepted. All of the anxiety was gone for the few hours I was in its throws. I could briefly feel good about myself. Even though that me wasn’t any more “real” than my delusions.
My delusions grew with me…….things were added such as career success and the need to be good at something. The need to prove myself and make a lot of money. In my dreams I was always fabulously successful and the envy of others.
This crazy delusional drive inside of me did manage to create some personal success. I have my own business and I have published a book. But then I realized I was an alcoholic. Alcohol helped me escape reality. And I had to quit the illusion and just be. I had to feel all of my emotions rather than avert them. I had to feel what it was really like to be bored. This took years just to learn to be myself. I have learned so much. Detaching from this dream world has made me optimistic about the future. Because now I try to live from a true and honest place.
Just some thoughts about my journey. Blessings to all.
Then when I was around 15 I started drinking. And it immediately made me feel social and accepted. All of the anxiety was gone for the few hours I was in its throws. I could briefly feel good about myself. Even though that me wasn’t any more “real” than my delusions.
My delusions grew with me…….things were added such as career success and the need to be good at something. The need to prove myself and make a lot of money. In my dreams I was always fabulously successful and the envy of others.
This crazy delusional drive inside of me did manage to create some personal success. I have my own business and I have published a book. But then I realized I was an alcoholic. Alcohol helped me escape reality. And I had to quit the illusion and just be. I had to feel all of my emotions rather than avert them. I had to feel what it was really like to be bored. This took years just to learn to be myself. I have learned so much. Detaching from this dream world has made me optimistic about the future. Because now I try to live from a true and honest place.
Just some thoughts about my journey. Blessings to all.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Originally Posted by risingup 
I got lost in books and then my own illusions of how my life was supposed to be.
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