I'm taking a beating today for being honest on the fourums
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Jeremy, everyone here would like to see you get the help you need. For many different reasons, some people need different amounts of help beating their problems with alcohol. Inpatient rehab offers an opportunity to remove yourself from the 'outside world' and focus completely on your problem without distractions for a bit. You'll also be among others trying to accomplish the same thing, and that in-person fellowship can have a very strong affect in helping you keep yourself on track. You can then return to face 'real life' much more prepared for the challenges of daily living and all the temptations and stressors. I'm not just parroting from a brochure here, I've been to rehab, and it can help you significantly if you allow it to.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
I can see that you're in a lot of pain Jeremy. I can also see that so many here are trying to help you get the help you need. I hope you make the decision to go get that help, you don't have to be in pain anymore. I wish you peace & healing. Please take care of yourself, whatever you decide.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Have you ever thought you didn't matter? That is how I felt this morning like I didn't matter and I could go to my corner and just die and nobody would notice. And then this, all these replies, over some random post. Wow, I am dumbfounded, I don't know what it is about this post, but thank you all. Its eye opening, I am truly in awe with this response. There is a lesson to be learned here, and I thank you all for caring enough to read what I wrote and offer advice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
I realize you have been drinking today so why don't you try to re-read all these posts in the morning. You will get a lot more out of them.
You have 2 choices....you are at a turning point....a fork in the road....
Choice 1- drink & die (and according to your posts last January, your doctor said it will be soon!) You're only 33, right? That is way too young to die! :-(
Choice 2-commit to inpatient treatment and get a handle on this disease. Get your life back! You still have so much time left to live if you stay sober!
Do this! Ask for help. Don't be afraid! We all need help sometimes. It's ok to need help!
(((Hug)))
You have 2 choices....you are at a turning point....a fork in the road....
Choice 1- drink & die (and according to your posts last January, your doctor said it will be soon!) You're only 33, right? That is way too young to die! :-(
Choice 2-commit to inpatient treatment and get a handle on this disease. Get your life back! You still have so much time left to live if you stay sober!
Do this! Ask for help. Don't be afraid! We all need help sometimes. It's ok to need help!
(((Hug)))
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy 
Have you ever thought you didn't matter? That is how I felt this morning like I didn't matter and I could go to my corner and just die and nobody would notice. And then this, all these replies, over some random post. Wow, I am dumbfounded, I don't know what it is about this post, but thank you all. Its eye opening, I am truly in awe with this response. There is a lesson to be learned here, and I thank you all for caring enough to read what I wrote and offer advice.
why were they removed ? because both parents were lost to the drink
we was told many times if we didn't do something about it then the kids would be removed but i thought it would never happen but it did.
i carried on drinking for almost 2 years longer as in my head i needed the drink even more to cope with the cruel loss of losing my kids
lets all feel sorry for me time was how i was and i used that as an excuse to carry on drinking without having to feel the full guilt and shame that rightly goes with it
only when the drink couldnt get my out of that guilt and shame and i had no more people around me who were bothered about me did things really start to hurt me enough that i was to consider maybe if i did something about my drinking and stopped maybe things might change
i had to lose it all first though and i only wish i had to of listened to people years before it ever got as bad as it did for me but like you i wouldnt listen and i was to scared to face life without a drink
i was to scared of losing my ex wife as i clung on to anything in my desperation
in the end i did end up losing her as well as i couldnt keep her in drink as well as myself and our rows now were just full of blaming each other for losing the kids
so she found another drunk and i ended up on my own and flat broke with no one left who could bail me out
best thing that could of ever happend to me and the best thing that could of ever happend for my poor kids who had seen a mum and dad and a family life vanish
today i dont drink i have my kids back, i work and pay my way, and have brought my kids up well
they love me and there love is worth everything to me i can hold my head up high today instead of down in the gutter
all i did was give not drinking a try who knows it might just work for you
of course you can always spend your time posting up messages of how its not going to work for you and carry on trying not to try anything
but i don't think it will work to be honest.
understand one thing my friend
there is no magic cure to this, there are no pills that you can take and you will be a changed man
it has to come from you and it all happends over time in small little stages of change so long of course as your willing to put in the effort
you can change your life around or you can carry on like your doing and lose even more
i just hope you dont have to end up like i did or worse and i would really love to hear some good news come from your side of things.
i dont listen to excuses anymore my friend as i used them all myself over the years until i bumped into aa members who told me they are not listening to my excuses either : )
i wish you well i honestly do but it will not hapen and nothing will change until the day you decide you are actualy going to do something about you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
I can't do this, I am loser freak, addictive dummy. So with that I am going to logout and not post anymore, screw it, I can't no amount of help helps me , so Its better I sign off, good bye , thank you all TDG is done no more posting I am done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Really its over I am done, there is no value here and I'am lost in my own addiction.... So better I give up then taint the new user. thank you all, tahank you. I am done, peace out to you all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
There is a way out of this private hell, Jeremy. Analyzing it is making things worse. I'm rooting for you, you can do this and I'm sending you all kinds of love and light.
Stop overthinking, analyzing, cogitating. Go to rehab. You can do this. Your life will be better. Alcohol kills people like us.
Stop overthinking, analyzing, cogitating. Go to rehab. You can do this. Your life will be better. Alcohol kills people like us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 610
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy
I can't do this, I am loser freak, addictive dummy. So with that I am going to logout and not post anymore, screw it, I can't no amount of help helps me , so Its better I sign off, good bye , thank you all TDG is done no more posting I am done.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,391
There's nothing in this thread that taints any newcomer Jeremy.
On the contrary I think a lot of newcomers could learn a lot from this thread.
See you when you stop this self-hatred stuff and decide to get sober again.
Maybe Tomorrow?
D
On the contrary I think a lot of newcomers could learn a lot from this thread.
See you when you stop this self-hatred stuff and decide to get sober again.
Maybe Tomorrow?
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 334
All we an do is encourage/plead/beg you to get the help you need.
It's up to you to actually take the action. That takes courage on your part. We are here to help you summons that courage, but in the end, you need to do it.
We're fighting for you Jeremy, but we need you to join the fight.
It's up to you to actually take the action. That takes courage on your part. We are here to help you summons that courage, but in the end, you need to do it.
We're fighting for you Jeremy, but we need you to join the fight.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Like colagirl, I don't really post anymore. However, what you write about and how you convey yourself in your writing is compelling. I have just a few comments.
I've read all of your posts in the 216 threads you have started this year. I've read most of the reply posts.
It seems to me that alcohol is like a bullet. Both can kill if a person chooses to have them enter into their own body. Alcohol and bullets cannot by themselves enter the human body and cause destruction and death. It takes a person to make that happen. So in reply to your statement about "alcohol winning" I have to say the following.
Alcohol is not winning at killing Jeremy. Jeremy is winning at killing Jeremy.
We all have a choice to do one thing or another. You, Jeremy, have that ability. You can, and should, choose at the very moment that you read my post to truly, courageously and honestly begin the end your self-induced, swirling alcohol-infested misery. It won't be too late. Have hope, my brother.
So many care for you. You seem to acknowledge that much. Maybe it would be a good and wise thing to not shun their advice which comes straight from their hearts and their very souls. You cannot see these kind people while looking into a computer screen but they are real people giving you real love. Use their love, my brother.
There is no other Jeremy here at SR but you. We may all share similar experiences but we are all our own. Look for yourself within yourself. Look for that prodigal son that you once envisioned yourself as and return to your Father. Have faith, my brother.
Do not fear and dread about the unknown future. All you will ever really have is the very moment you are living in. Deal sincerely with your mental condition. Use this moment, my brother.
Have courage! DO what these good people are instructing you to do based on their own experiences. Tell your boss or someone who can offer real help what is going on in your life.
Ask for help and it will be given. The good people here at SR prove that. However, it's better in your own real world, not the fantasy or virtual world.
No fear of future. No hesitating. No "what ifs."
That's all I have to say to you. Take it or leave it. It's your choice.
Ken
I've read all of your posts in the 216 threads you have started this year. I've read most of the reply posts.
It seems to me that alcohol is like a bullet. Both can kill if a person chooses to have them enter into their own body. Alcohol and bullets cannot by themselves enter the human body and cause destruction and death. It takes a person to make that happen. So in reply to your statement about "alcohol winning" I have to say the following.
Alcohol is not winning at killing Jeremy. Jeremy is winning at killing Jeremy.
We all have a choice to do one thing or another. You, Jeremy, have that ability. You can, and should, choose at the very moment that you read my post to truly, courageously and honestly begin the end your self-induced, swirling alcohol-infested misery. It won't be too late. Have hope, my brother.
So many care for you. You seem to acknowledge that much. Maybe it would be a good and wise thing to not shun their advice which comes straight from their hearts and their very souls. You cannot see these kind people while looking into a computer screen but they are real people giving you real love. Use their love, my brother.
There is no other Jeremy here at SR but you. We may all share similar experiences but we are all our own. Look for yourself within yourself. Look for that prodigal son that you once envisioned yourself as and return to your Father. Have faith, my brother.
Do not fear and dread about the unknown future. All you will ever really have is the very moment you are living in. Deal sincerely with your mental condition. Use this moment, my brother.
Have courage! DO what these good people are instructing you to do based on their own experiences. Tell your boss or someone who can offer real help what is going on in your life.
Ask for help and it will be given. The good people here at SR prove that. However, it's better in your own real world, not the fantasy or virtual world.
No fear of future. No hesitating. No "what ifs."
That's all I have to say to you. Take it or leave it. It's your choice.
Ken
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
Like others, I've read the majority of your threads over the past year. I understand the wavering. I haven't replied because it seemed like every time you were ready to take that step forward into recovery, you pulled back. Maybe you weren't ready. Doesn't matter.
But time is running out here. Right now, you are in front of the shrinking door that is the choice to get help. But that door will shut before you know it. I speak merely from my own experience. If I could change one thing in my entire life, it would have been to seek help when I had the CHOICE to do so.
I went to rehab strapped to a board in the back of an ambulance. Not much of a choice there. Sure it was scary. The unknown is always scary.
You say you're done and you're giving up. That you could crawl into a corner and die, and no one would notice.
The scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life is dying from alcohol. I dug myself in a hole so deep, that I died on the table, then was revived and ended up in a coma on life support with a 5% chance of living. I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed in the ICU with a breathing tube down my throat and more IVs than I could count. I still remember the moment my brain shut off. That moment haunts me in my dreams. It haunts me when I'm awake. That was almost two years ago, Jeremy. It's still so fresh in my mind. It's hard to even type.
You are no more addict than me or anyone else here. We are all the same.
I'm grateful I woke up and went to rehab. Best thing that ever happened to me.
Not everyone gets to wake up. The door to get help is closing faster than you realize. Soon, the choice to get help will be gone and it's up to dumb luck that you get another 24 hours on this planet. So all you have to do is walk through that door and get the help you need.
Fear used to rule my life. Fear of getting help. Fear of not getting help. Fear of losing everything. Fear of what to do if I got my back. Fear of dying an alcoholic death. Fear of living a sober life. Even though I didn't make the choice to get help when I had the chance, I do have the choice now to not let fear rule my life and my decision-making.
“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.”
But time is running out here. Right now, you are in front of the shrinking door that is the choice to get help. But that door will shut before you know it. I speak merely from my own experience. If I could change one thing in my entire life, it would have been to seek help when I had the CHOICE to do so.
I went to rehab strapped to a board in the back of an ambulance. Not much of a choice there. Sure it was scary. The unknown is always scary.
You say you're done and you're giving up. That you could crawl into a corner and die, and no one would notice.
The scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life is dying from alcohol. I dug myself in a hole so deep, that I died on the table, then was revived and ended up in a coma on life support with a 5% chance of living. I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed in the ICU with a breathing tube down my throat and more IVs than I could count. I still remember the moment my brain shut off. That moment haunts me in my dreams. It haunts me when I'm awake. That was almost two years ago, Jeremy. It's still so fresh in my mind. It's hard to even type.
You are no more addict than me or anyone else here. We are all the same.
I'm grateful I woke up and went to rehab. Best thing that ever happened to me.
Not everyone gets to wake up. The door to get help is closing faster than you realize. Soon, the choice to get help will be gone and it's up to dumb luck that you get another 24 hours on this planet. So all you have to do is walk through that door and get the help you need.
Fear used to rule my life. Fear of getting help. Fear of not getting help. Fear of losing everything. Fear of what to do if I got my back. Fear of dying an alcoholic death. Fear of living a sober life. Even though I didn't make the choice to get help when I had the chance, I do have the choice now to not let fear rule my life and my decision-making.
“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Do not misunderstand me danger is very real but fear is a choice.”
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,391
You are no more addict than me or anyone else here. We are all the same.
You;re no different to any of us and the obstacles you face might be more than some but I guarantee they're less than others.
Every problem you face has been faced before by others, and overcome.
Your addiction will try and tell you you're special.
If it can't convince you you're special in one way (I am unique so the normal rules of recovery do not apply to me) a negative way will do (I am too much of a loser to deserve recovery).
Anything to keep you away from things that will really help you change your life.
I hope you'll read through this thread and the other one today, sober...and just surrender....
admit you're just like the rest of us and you need a hand or two to help to get out of the deep hole you've dug.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Waking up sober and seeing what I've done posted is eye opening. Actually that is a understatement, its down right scary. I am parched and dehydrated right now and checking my pulse every few minutes just to make sure I still have one.
2 day bender fueled with vodka and steel reserve, and what do I got. A headache paranoia, no recollection of what I did yesterday, and I assume I will be putting out fires ( again) all day. And deleting facebook post, make apologies again.
And then the promise to never do this again. Everyone here knows that promise, you know right after a huge bender you say, " never again this hurts what the hell have I done", " thats it I swear of alcohol" That promise, I've made it time and time again, everytime I break that promise a little piece of me goes with the broken promise.
In my mind, I want to quit, but my actions aren't of someone that wants to quit. I even know the route to take to get where I should be. I don't know why I stand at the cross roads.
Later today, paranoia and extreme anxiety, followed by regret and sorrow. That's the sad part of it all. I lose everything, gain nothing but anxiety, more pain, more depression.
Its an endless loop of pure hell. But a loop I keep putting myself into. I wonder at times, which bender is going to take me. I know many of you have felt that, which 10 dollar bottle of cheap vodka, which can of steel reserve is going to be my demise?
I am an atheist, but I pray I am wrong in my atheism. As strange as it sounds, I want a god to exist. I wish a god exist, and I hope that god stops me from me and saves me. The idea of an omnipotent being saving me is profound, but I can only wish for such a thing. I don't think there is a god, I can't control how I think or what I feel to be true. Which leaves me to save me and I am not doing a good job of that.
So with that, I can make the calls that could save me today. I could probably check myself into the hospital or go to AA and ask for help, or the mental hospital, or, or or. Lots of options right, but I am paralyzed in my own head. Stuck in a dark world, scared to make a move, and if I am telling the truth its because I don't know how to live without alcohol. Reality scares me, what I've done scares me, where I am going scares me. And that my friends is the truth. Pure fear, I fear the hangover, I fear the damage Ive done, I fear what I do, what I don't do, if there is a right decision to make, I make the wrong one, because of fear.
My thoughts this early morning, its the immediate after glow of a bender. With that I go forward, to where I don't know anymore. So off into the abyss I go to try to make sense of things............
2 day bender fueled with vodka and steel reserve, and what do I got. A headache paranoia, no recollection of what I did yesterday, and I assume I will be putting out fires ( again) all day. And deleting facebook post, make apologies again.
And then the promise to never do this again. Everyone here knows that promise, you know right after a huge bender you say, " never again this hurts what the hell have I done", " thats it I swear of alcohol" That promise, I've made it time and time again, everytime I break that promise a little piece of me goes with the broken promise.
In my mind, I want to quit, but my actions aren't of someone that wants to quit. I even know the route to take to get where I should be. I don't know why I stand at the cross roads.
Later today, paranoia and extreme anxiety, followed by regret and sorrow. That's the sad part of it all. I lose everything, gain nothing but anxiety, more pain, more depression.
Its an endless loop of pure hell. But a loop I keep putting myself into. I wonder at times, which bender is going to take me. I know many of you have felt that, which 10 dollar bottle of cheap vodka, which can of steel reserve is going to be my demise?
I am an atheist, but I pray I am wrong in my atheism. As strange as it sounds, I want a god to exist. I wish a god exist, and I hope that god stops me from me and saves me. The idea of an omnipotent being saving me is profound, but I can only wish for such a thing. I don't think there is a god, I can't control how I think or what I feel to be true. Which leaves me to save me and I am not doing a good job of that.
So with that, I can make the calls that could save me today. I could probably check myself into the hospital or go to AA and ask for help, or the mental hospital, or, or or. Lots of options right, but I am paralyzed in my own head. Stuck in a dark world, scared to make a move, and if I am telling the truth its because I don't know how to live without alcohol. Reality scares me, what I've done scares me, where I am going scares me. And that my friends is the truth. Pure fear, I fear the hangover, I fear the damage Ive done, I fear what I do, what I don't do, if there is a right decision to make, I make the wrong one, because of fear.
My thoughts this early morning, its the immediate after glow of a bender. With that I go forward, to where I don't know anymore. So off into the abyss I go to try to make sense of things............
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
