goose333

I'm at two months and I find that more and more often I think of drinking again. If I'm watching TV or reading a book and the characters are having a drink, I have thoughts on how nice that would be. How nice it would be to have a Jim Beam on the rocks in a fine crystal tumbler. Nice and cold and delicious going down. That nice warmth! The other day at work I overheard someone saying that he was going to have a drink either on the way home or when he got home. It made me think, how nice that would be. It was the night my favorite bartender would be on duty too. I didn't, but I thought about it.

These thoughts worry me. I've read about others here that have been doing fine for much longer than me and then tripped. I feel it could happen to me soon. I've been thinking about Thanksgiving. How I used to love having red Zin with dinner. I'd buy a really good one and enjoy it with family.

Of course, those are the thoughts going through my head, but I know they are not realistic. The truth would be that I'd want to have 5 Jim Beams, or if I had a couple on the way home from work, I would be a crazy lunatic craving more once I got home. And Thanksgiving. By the time dinner came around, I was always really cracked and barely remember anything about the dinner. I guess I know what the reality is, but I'm still thinking about how I would like it to be, and how nice it would be to enjoy some again.

Then I think how I would let my wife down terribly. She would be so disappointed in me (and I in myself). I think about how physically miserable I would feel the next day, and how I would then most likely have a very difficult time stopping again. Yeah, I'm thinking that stuff too. I have to keep my mind in the game and not make a mistake. I really want to keep this going... forever. Thanks for listening to my rambling.

FreeOwl

I had these thoughts a lot....

I wasn't really working a program...

I got past five months and 'decided' I was good now. I could chase that 'warmth'.... Return to that 'nice' in safe comfort now.

Just had to be careful. Take it easy. Stay in balance.

That 1.5 year bender was a pretty rough way to wake up to the Truth.

I hope you don't have to go that path.

Are you working a program of active sobriety?

FeelingGreat

Hi goose, these thoughts can be very intrusive when you're in early sobriety, but it's really important not to indulge them. Like when you described your JB on rocks, the glass, the feeling....you were really tasting it.
So yes, the AV will intrude, but you can make a conscious effort to turn your thoughts elsewhere. If you don't, the fantasy can build up and gain strength until you relapse.
If you can make it to long-term sobriety, you'll find it happens less and less.

biminiblue

Yeah, that romanticizing that you just did? That's really a dangerous thought to indulge. Cut that out at about the "How ni..." don't go down that path of pouring it into your fancy glass. I threw out or packed away all my fancy glasses. Never going to need them, don't need to see them.

The thoughts may come, but they are just thoughts and they have no power. The problem is that we are obsessive and compulsive people and we haven't practiced saying "No," long enough to indulge in fantasy.

Mark1014

FeelingGreat and biminiblue made a critical point. Don't feed those thoughts and allow them to grow legs. In reality, for me, virtually all of the grand sparkling occasions that started with all the promise of moonlight in a martini ended with vomit and tears.

Gilmer

It's an illusion that it would feel good--maybe for the first two drinks, but then you get obliterated and try to keep chasing the perfect buzz, but it eludes you, and you just keep getting lower and lower, because you're back to the same old horrible grind.

anattaboy

I'm not sure how just reading "AVRT explained" and shortly after "the crash course" made it easier to identify seed thoughts but it did for me. I agree with BB-"How" is the AV sneaking into your TV time and when the thought needs to be addressed for the insanity that it is. 5 minutes later you'll be laughing and feel empowered. Just my exp.

JanieJ

Yes, Goose, I am worried that these thoughts will sneak up on me too.

Some really good advice and thoughts above, (thanks guys ) and recognising the romanticising is so crucial. It doesn't end well, ever. That's why were all here.

goose333

Thanks everyone for your input.
FromADistance said...
In reality, for me, virtually all of the grand sparkling occasions that started with all the promise of moonlight in a martini ended with vomit and tears.
Thanks for that. That's a great visual and so true. So true. I'm going to use that.

I'm going to make a determined effort to recognize those thoughts as soon as I can and dismiss them. I've been meditating daily for about a month now and that's the same activity one does when meditating. Recognizing the thought and then dismissing it. I feel just a little more empowered now. Thanks!

JimdiGriz

Love this

chickippo

my last bender started when i decided it would be marvellous to have a nice glass of brandy. no idea why - i'd been in AA 6 months at that point and i certainly knew better.

i think the glass lasted for about 3 large drinks. i woke up 2 days later and there were 2 empty brandy bottles and lots of empty cider cans. i have no recollection of going out and buying more booze but i clearly did.

the withdrawals from that little adventure nearly killed me.

i'm 7 months sober now and honestly, the cravings fade. i had to just keep telling myself it's poison and not for me, and somehow that neural pathway has become well-trodden. booze is off the menu. one day at a time, mind you.

be well.