Outpatient, wife seperation
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Outpatient, wife seperation
Outpatient I've started now, gosh what can I say. Here I am, I've made it, and now I gotta do something with it.
I was wait listed for inpatient, but now I have resources and connection through outpatient. 2 individual meetings a week and 3 group meetings, plus voluntary classes and one required pathological gambling meeting a week.
I met with a psychologist, it was a very positive meeting for the most part we discussed many a topic and I got great input. Where I disagreed was one point he made, my wife and I are codependents of each other. Neither of us stop each other behavior, so the behavior escalates to insane levels, that on our own it wouldn't.
He wasn't coy at all about what he thought I should do. He was pretty straight forward, separate from the wife and work recovery separately. We're bad for each other, and too much negativity and bad influence exist within our relationship.
I know that when we both do inpatient this will happen anyways, but he wasn't talk 2 weeks from now, he was talking here and now. This troubles me, in an otherwise very positive spot I am feeling.
I suppose two alcoholics with issues hanging out together, and we really are best friends, can't be good. However, she is my wife and I love her, but maybe we should love each other enough to get our stuff together without the influence of the other bringing them down.
This is hard for me, because a tiny part of my brain thinks he is dead on.....
He also said I have a tendency to think about the future too much, have precepts about the future, and then take my opinion of the future and quit before I really start, because I expect some outcome that may or may not come. Like he said, " nobody knows what the future is going to bring" his advice live today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Stop asserting my opinion of the future on the unknown. I am going to try to do that.
Good night all.
I was wait listed for inpatient, but now I have resources and connection through outpatient. 2 individual meetings a week and 3 group meetings, plus voluntary classes and one required pathological gambling meeting a week.
I met with a psychologist, it was a very positive meeting for the most part we discussed many a topic and I got great input. Where I disagreed was one point he made, my wife and I are codependents of each other. Neither of us stop each other behavior, so the behavior escalates to insane levels, that on our own it wouldn't.
He wasn't coy at all about what he thought I should do. He was pretty straight forward, separate from the wife and work recovery separately. We're bad for each other, and too much negativity and bad influence exist within our relationship.
I know that when we both do inpatient this will happen anyways, but he wasn't talk 2 weeks from now, he was talking here and now. This troubles me, in an otherwise very positive spot I am feeling.
I suppose two alcoholics with issues hanging out together, and we really are best friends, can't be good. However, she is my wife and I love her, but maybe we should love each other enough to get our stuff together without the influence of the other bringing them down.
This is hard for me, because a tiny part of my brain thinks he is dead on.....
He also said I have a tendency to think about the future too much, have precepts about the future, and then take my opinion of the future and quit before I really start, because I expect some outcome that may or may not come. Like he said, " nobody knows what the future is going to bring" his advice live today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Stop asserting my opinion of the future on the unknown. I am going to try to do that.
Good night all.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
I put myself in a position to be taught and guided on how to stay sober.
It wasn't something I could ever do.
I'd recommend you think about doing the same.
Might turn out to be the best thing you ever did.
It wasn't something I could ever do.
I'd recommend you think about doing the same.
Might turn out to be the best thing you ever did.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I like this psych guy and his advice.
I understand your hesitancy but I have seen it a lot J...two people with the same problems...really noble ideals of helping each other and thereby being twice as strong...but it doesn't always work out that way...
if one slips, more often than not, both end up (literally) in the drink, going down for the third time.
Ultimately of course it's your call, man - but maybe some separation could help you both?
D
I understand your hesitancy but I have seen it a lot J...two people with the same problems...really noble ideals of helping each other and thereby being twice as strong...but it doesn't always work out that way...
if one slips, more often than not, both end up (literally) in the drink, going down for the third time.
Ultimately of course it's your call, man - but maybe some separation could help you both?
D
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I realize it's very difficult but I think you have to just take a leap of faith and trust him. Your own judgement is clouded and I'm sure you and your wife are enabling each other. If you're both to survive you might have to get there by separate roads, at least for now.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Hard as it may be to swallow..... That all sounds pretty legit.
Sometimes when we love, that love means we need to let go for a time and focus on ourselves....
So that love can grow to far greater heights... Once we've learned to love ourselves.
Sometimes when we love, that love means we need to let go for a time and focus on ourselves....
So that love can grow to far greater heights... Once we've learned to love ourselves.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
This guy sounds great, Jeremy. And I agree with him about separating from your wife for the time being in order to get your act together--sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war.
After a separation to focus on solid recovery, you both will probably end up stronger and saner.
After a separation to focus on solid recovery, you both will probably end up stronger and saner.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Jeremy, firstly, well done for following through and seeing the psych. Very well done, my friend !!
That's a HUGE step forward for you right there. HUGE.
I think he is talking sense. And I think you know that, in your heart ,too.
That's a HUGE step forward for you right there. HUGE.
I think he is talking sense. And I think you know that, in your heart ,too.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
It sounds as if this doctor knows what he is talking about. I would follow his recommendations.
Glad to hear you are getting the help you need Jeremy. Take advantage of it and do what they say for your own good.
Glad to hear you are getting the help you need Jeremy. Take advantage of it and do what they say for your own good.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
First, great job on following through with outpatient and seeing your psychologist. I know how much you love your wife but think of it this way-are you helping HER by continuing on the way the two of you are? I think followiing your psychlogist's advice will give both of you your best chance.
And I agree. Stay in the present and the future will take care of itself.
Again, well done Jeremy!
And I agree. Stay in the present and the future will take care of itself.
Again, well done Jeremy!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Listen to this guy, Jeremy. It sounds like he has very good and practical suggestions. It's hard to execute, of course, but the whole of recovery is hard in the beginning.
I experienced exactly this in the past. And tried so many different things to make it work, resolve, separate, escape, start over... all on my own. Wish I'd had someone wise to guide me at the time because while my own intuitions were good, my methods not so much and it was all very confusing and the process lasted far longer than it should have, with the right approach.
One thing I suggest to you based on my own experience is to talk to your psych in detail how exactly such separation should be executed, what sorts of boundaries, how much contact, no contact, etc. How to do it practically. This was my biggest problem: I knew my ex and I had to separate in order for both of us' lives get better (in whatever way), I initiated it in various ways, but had no experience with such a thing, and no idea how to do it effectively. And I did not seek help because I was too proud and thought I could trust my messed up mind... I am sure I could have saved a lot of time and suffering with the right approach, if I had some guidance.
See, you know this is true and it's another reason for you to listen to someone else who has experience and training to give you good guidance about your recovery, including the relationship factor, while you are pulling yourself together and regaining a more realistic perspective.
I'm very glad that you are doing this now, please make it stick by simply just following what they say
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy 
Neither of us stop each other behavior, so the behavior escalates to insane levels, that on our own it wouldn't.
One thing I suggest to you based on my own experience is to talk to your psych in detail how exactly such separation should be executed, what sorts of boundaries, how much contact, no contact, etc. How to do it practically. This was my biggest problem: I knew my ex and I had to separate in order for both of us' lives get better (in whatever way), I initiated it in various ways, but had no experience with such a thing, and no idea how to do it effectively. And I did not seek help because I was too proud and thought I could trust my messed up mind... I am sure I could have saved a lot of time and suffering with the right approach, if I had some guidance.
He also said I have a tendency to think about the future too much, have precepts about the future, and then take my opinion of the future and quit before I really start, because I expect some outcome that may or may not come.
I'm very glad that you are doing this now, please make it stick by simply just following what they say
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Jeremy.
Your psychologist confirmed much of what several people on SR have been saying. The only other constant in all this has been you.
You've been handed a gift, a gift to live a better life and, again, the only one who can accept that gift is you. Trying to figure out what's "wrong" with a plan to save your life isn't only a waste of time...it's destructive with potentially unwanted and irreversible consequences.
The time to find reasons (rationalizations) for avoiding inpatient treatment has long passed.
Your psychologist confirmed much of what several people on SR have been saying. The only other constant in all this has been you.
You've been handed a gift, a gift to live a better life and, again, the only one who can accept that gift is you. Trying to figure out what's "wrong" with a plan to save your life isn't only a waste of time...it's destructive with potentially unwanted and irreversible consequences.
The time to find reasons (rationalizations) for avoiding inpatient treatment has long passed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Welp, Jeremy, how did your thinking on subjects work for you?
IMO it worked so not good that only a tiny part of your brain believes him.
You've been living a long time with delusional thinking and in denial so I would strongly suggest listening to what he says and taking his advise.
As you already know, doing it your way hasn't worked.
IMO it worked so not good that only a tiny part of your brain believes him.
You've been living a long time with delusional thinking and in denial so I would strongly suggest listening to what he says and taking his advise.
As you already know, doing it your way hasn't worked.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Wellington, NZ
Posts: 250
Hey TDG,
I'm really pleased you're getting help. Even though it's really full on, you sound like you're managing if you don't mind me saying so :=]
As far as the separation goes, if it was me I would. But then you're you and different and stuff :=] I think ultimately you know what the right thing to do is- gut feelings can be really important sometimes. Just remember that nothing is forever even if it feels like that at the time.
Take care of yourself :=]
I'm really pleased you're getting help. Even though it's really full on, you sound like you're managing if you don't mind me saying so :=]
As far as the separation goes, if it was me I would. But then you're you and different and stuff :=] I think ultimately you know what the right thing to do is- gut feelings can be really important sometimes. Just remember that nothing is forever even if it feels like that at the time.
Take care of yourself :=]
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
First, glad you took the first steps. Feels good to be doing something about it, I hope.
If what you've stated in the past is true, that your wife has no desire to stop drinking at all, then I completely agree with what you were told. Some couples do succeed in getting sober together, and some fail. With very serious addiction problems the lack of total commitment by one of the parties in a partner relationship means it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that the relationship and/or the sobriety will fail.
I think that if you want any hope of salvaging your relationship and getting you BOTH sober, you should separate now and work on getting you stable in sobriety, apart. Seems a little backwards, I know, but likely true.
There's a lot of the 'put your own oxygen mask on first' advice behind the hard to accept advice you've been given.
If what you've stated in the past is true, that your wife has no desire to stop drinking at all, then I completely agree with what you were told. Some couples do succeed in getting sober together, and some fail. With very serious addiction problems the lack of total commitment by one of the parties in a partner relationship means it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that the relationship and/or the sobriety will fail.
I think that if you want any hope of salvaging your relationship and getting you BOTH sober, you should separate now and work on getting you stable in sobriety, apart. Seems a little backwards, I know, but likely true.
There's a lot of the 'put your own oxygen mask on first' advice behind the hard to accept advice you've been given.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Today is pretty awesome, I spent most of the day visiting my daughter at my parents house. Caught an AA meeting, and bam its like most of my day is already gone.
Talked to the wife about the separation thing, she was like "woah, you're psychologist is tell you to leave me", I was like " no, he's telling me this isn't health and we need to stop enabling each other and be codependent". She didn't like that, everything short of an argument ensued ( probably what the psychologist was thinking happens here" and then I haven't broached the subject since.
I am in a state of homestasis otherwise, this feels good, no drama, trying to focus... On this weekend AA and finding activities to fill time up that are productive.
Talked to the wife about the separation thing, she was like "woah, you're psychologist is tell you to leave me", I was like " no, he's telling me this isn't health and we need to stop enabling each other and be codependent". She didn't like that, everything short of an argument ensued ( probably what the psychologist was thinking happens here" and then I haven't broached the subject since.
I am in a state of homestasis otherwise, this feels good, no drama, trying to focus... On this weekend AA and finding activities to fill time up that are productive.
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