My Story - Well Chapter I?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 20
My Story - Well Chapter I?
Hello,
I am having a bit of a struggle here. To put it mildly. You see; I lost my mother to alcohol induced cirrhosis this year. I am in my mid twenties. She was in her early fifties. It is a tragedy. The insidious nature of this disease is absolutely immeasurable. Watching the way she suffered over the final months of her life... The gut wrenching hospital visits... The funk and malaise of the ICU... Taking care of her while she was home... The foul odor of ammonia that still stings my nostrils... Watching as her mind slipped into moments of madness... And then... Curtains.
It was all a bit much.
As a young man I have not taken into account my own lifestyle choices until I lived through this. I probably... No... I definitely like to drink too much. It almost feels imprinted in my DNA... Intrinsically a part of who I am. So I had some blood tests done... AST at 13, ALT at 15, ALP at 54, total bili at 0.9, albumin at 5.3 and globulin at 3.1. Sounds pretty good right? I guess. A month ago these words and acronyms were as foreign to me as Mandarin and now I spend so much time researching these variables and what they mean that I feel I could give a lecture at Johns Hopkins on hepatitic injury.
This drives me mad. I am consumed by anxiety over this. I have cut alcohol out of my diet and completely revamped my food intake to favor my liver. Am I overcompensating? No.
This will not happen to me. Nor will I allow it to happen to anymore of those whom I love. I have spoken to friends and family that I fear may have a problem with the sauce about my recent episodes of anxiety and fear. About the symptoms I poke and prod for in the mirror every morning and every night. About the pain of my angelic mother succumbing to her inner demons.
I have a physical next week with my doctor to chart out a plan for myself moving forward and to examine some physical symptoms I have perceived as potentially indicating a struggling liver. We will see how all of that goes.
I appreciate you folks listening. I have been reading this site for some time and I can tell you that I love each and every one of you for valuing your lives enough to seek support in a forum such as this. This has been cathartic.
God bless.
I am having a bit of a struggle here. To put it mildly. You see; I lost my mother to alcohol induced cirrhosis this year. I am in my mid twenties. She was in her early fifties. It is a tragedy. The insidious nature of this disease is absolutely immeasurable. Watching the way she suffered over the final months of her life... The gut wrenching hospital visits... The funk and malaise of the ICU... Taking care of her while she was home... The foul odor of ammonia that still stings my nostrils... Watching as her mind slipped into moments of madness... And then... Curtains.
It was all a bit much.
As a young man I have not taken into account my own lifestyle choices until I lived through this. I probably... No... I definitely like to drink too much. It almost feels imprinted in my DNA... Intrinsically a part of who I am. So I had some blood tests done... AST at 13, ALT at 15, ALP at 54, total bili at 0.9, albumin at 5.3 and globulin at 3.1. Sounds pretty good right? I guess. A month ago these words and acronyms were as foreign to me as Mandarin and now I spend so much time researching these variables and what they mean that I feel I could give a lecture at Johns Hopkins on hepatitic injury.
This drives me mad. I am consumed by anxiety over this. I have cut alcohol out of my diet and completely revamped my food intake to favor my liver. Am I overcompensating? No.
This will not happen to me. Nor will I allow it to happen to anymore of those whom I love. I have spoken to friends and family that I fear may have a problem with the sauce about my recent episodes of anxiety and fear. About the symptoms I poke and prod for in the mirror every morning and every night. About the pain of my angelic mother succumbing to her inner demons.
I have a physical next week with my doctor to chart out a plan for myself moving forward and to examine some physical symptoms I have perceived as potentially indicating a struggling liver. We will see how all of that goes.
I appreciate you folks listening. I have been reading this site for some time and I can tell you that I love each and every one of you for valuing your lives enough to seek support in a forum such as this. This has been cathartic.
God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 20
The last night she drank was the evening before she went to the hospital. Some family came over and basically ambushed her imploring her to go with them to the ER that night. Right then and right there. She was hammered. Her stomach distended and her eyes and skin yellowed. I was there that night. They asked me to leave the room. I felt like I was twelve years old sitting at the top of the stairs head in hands listening to them beg her and her foul, angry retorts to their pleas.
She was not herself.
Her family left that night with a promise in hand that she would check herself into the hospital in the morning. I made my way downstairs and physically had to attempt to hold her from the kitchen from getting more poison into her system. She could barely walk at this point and she was incredibly frail but she still found a way to fill that cup for, as she put it so eloquently through slurred speech, "her last hoorah."
I will never forget that night. She went to the hospital the next morning. She passed away a few months later after bouncing between a couple hospitals and even a return trip home.
Horror. Alcoholism is pure horror. Its end product is pure destruction.
We need to make a difference. We need to save ourselves and eachother.
We need to be happy and healthy. We deserve to be happy and healthy. My fiancée deserves me happy and healthy. My future children deserve me happy and healthy.
There is so much to live for. There is so much beauty in this world. There is no reason on this planet or any other to squander that beauty for something so ugly as indulging and succumbing to alcoholism.
She was not herself.
Her family left that night with a promise in hand that she would check herself into the hospital in the morning. I made my way downstairs and physically had to attempt to hold her from the kitchen from getting more poison into her system. She could barely walk at this point and she was incredibly frail but she still found a way to fill that cup for, as she put it so eloquently through slurred speech, "her last hoorah."
I will never forget that night. She went to the hospital the next morning. She passed away a few months later after bouncing between a couple hospitals and even a return trip home.
Horror. Alcoholism is pure horror. Its end product is pure destruction.
We need to make a difference. We need to save ourselves and eachother.
We need to be happy and healthy. We deserve to be happy and healthy. My fiancée deserves me happy and healthy. My future children deserve me happy and healthy.
There is so much to live for. There is so much beauty in this world. There is no reason on this planet or any other to squander that beauty for something so ugly as indulging and succumbing to alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
StillThought - I'm sorry for your loss, friend.
But I wanted to let you know, reading your story tonight was probably the reason I drove past the wine store after picking up dinner. It was a 'real-life' reminder that hit home. So, thank you for sharing. And I wish you happiness and continued sobriety.
But I wanted to let you know, reading your story tonight was probably the reason I drove past the wine store after picking up dinner. It was a 'real-life' reminder that hit home. So, thank you for sharing. And I wish you happiness and continued sobriety.
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Hey StillThought-
First let me start by saying that I am very sorry for your loss. I had to bury my mother a few years ago, as well as care for her, and it was not pleasant to say the least. I know the pain well.
I noted how you are aware of your liver enzymes, which is really smart. This is exactly, and for the most part, the only reason that I stopped myself. I had a blood panel work up due to how tired I had been feeling, and my values were through the roof. I even posted it in this forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lth-scare.html
In essence, I received a phone call from my doctor's office instructing me to cease all alcohol and Tylenol if I use it. I was actually making myself another drink when the call came in. I subsequently poured the drink down the drain and that was the last day that I drank. I had to be scared straight I suppose, as quitting was not even on my radar.
It turned out that my ALT was 186 and my AST was very high too, but I don't recall the number. You made mention about being consumed by anxiety over it. You can't even imagine how I felt. It was a combination of panic at what I've done to myself, along with complete disgust in myself for letting things get this bad.
Fortunately, six months later I had a follow up test, which showed all levels well within the norm, but who knows how much permanent damage was done?
I have posted before how people might want to inquire about having their own liver enzymes checked during the next time they see a doctor if they are a drinker. I would have gone on killing myself had I not had that test. And of course, the bad stuff only happens to somebody else- or so I would have thought.
I don't know if you have a problem with booze or not, but I do see that you don't want to drink anymore. Smart move regardless.
Thanks for this post. It's a reminder to me of the path I once was walking down.
Lusher
First let me start by saying that I am very sorry for your loss. I had to bury my mother a few years ago, as well as care for her, and it was not pleasant to say the least. I know the pain well.
I noted how you are aware of your liver enzymes, which is really smart. This is exactly, and for the most part, the only reason that I stopped myself. I had a blood panel work up due to how tired I had been feeling, and my values were through the roof. I even posted it in this forum: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lth-scare.html
In essence, I received a phone call from my doctor's office instructing me to cease all alcohol and Tylenol if I use it. I was actually making myself another drink when the call came in. I subsequently poured the drink down the drain and that was the last day that I drank. I had to be scared straight I suppose, as quitting was not even on my radar.
It turned out that my ALT was 186 and my AST was very high too, but I don't recall the number. You made mention about being consumed by anxiety over it. You can't even imagine how I felt. It was a combination of panic at what I've done to myself, along with complete disgust in myself for letting things get this bad.
Fortunately, six months later I had a follow up test, which showed all levels well within the norm, but who knows how much permanent damage was done?
I have posted before how people might want to inquire about having their own liver enzymes checked during the next time they see a doctor if they are a drinker. I would have gone on killing myself had I not had that test. And of course, the bad stuff only happens to somebody else- or so I would have thought.
I don't know if you have a problem with booze or not, but I do see that you don't want to drink anymore. Smart move regardless.
Thanks for this post. It's a reminder to me of the path I once was walking down.
Lusher
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 20
Coming up to my physical and getting pretty nervous... Keep telling myself I am seeing symptoms and whatnot (red palms, spider veins, my eyes seem shot which I guess could be stress and the fact that they've been glued to my iPhone reading SR and liver facts, blue veins, facial blemishes, the works). My fiancée tells me I am fine and everything looks totally normal which helps me a ton in the moment but I always find myself letting my mind wander to a dark place between my mother and the guilt that I even have this fear for myself.
Tomorrow's my next blood test for the physical. The next morning will be the physical itself. Hoping and praying for good news. Feeling so anxious.
Tomorrow's my next blood test for the physical. The next morning will be the physical itself. Hoping and praying for good news. Feeling so anxious.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Applekat 
StillThought - I'm sorry for your loss, friend.
But I wanted to let you know, reading your story tonight was probably the reason I drove past the wine store after picking up dinner. It was a 'real-life' reminder that hit home. So, thank you for sharing. And I wish you happiness and continued sobriety.
But I wanted to let you know, reading your story tonight was probably the reason I drove past the wine store after picking up dinner. It was a 'real-life' reminder that hit home. So, thank you for sharing. And I wish you happiness and continued sobriety.
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