First time here or anywhere like this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 4
First time here or anywhere like this
Hi all,
I never dreamed I'd be in this position. I have a great job, family, kids, and work out 6 days a week. People think I have myself totally together.
But I have a monster in me that comes out when I drink. I don't drink that often, but when I do become someone else. I am ashamed and embarrassed for my actions, and I'm lucky my wife has put with me but won't any longer. I finally realized I need to just stop completely, because I am prone to reckless behavior anytime that I drink and I just can't trust myself to act mature and sensibly. I always would rationalize that I don't drink that often so it's not a problem. But when I drink I will sometimes do it to such excess that I don't remember anything, and I may even be driving.
I don't know why I do it. I think it gives me confidence and takes the edge of the anxiety I feel. But I am fed up with myself and know I cannot continue in this way. But now that I made this decision to stop suddenly I feel scared and empty and unable to face life and the poor decisions I have made.
Thanks for any help and advice.
I never dreamed I'd be in this position. I have a great job, family, kids, and work out 6 days a week. People think I have myself totally together.
But I have a monster in me that comes out when I drink. I don't drink that often, but when I do become someone else. I am ashamed and embarrassed for my actions, and I'm lucky my wife has put with me but won't any longer. I finally realized I need to just stop completely, because I am prone to reckless behavior anytime that I drink and I just can't trust myself to act mature and sensibly. I always would rationalize that I don't drink that often so it's not a problem. But when I drink I will sometimes do it to such excess that I don't remember anything, and I may even be driving.
I don't know why I do it. I think it gives me confidence and takes the edge of the anxiety I feel. But I am fed up with myself and know I cannot continue in this way. But now that I made this decision to stop suddenly I feel scared and empty and unable to face life and the poor decisions I have made.
Thanks for any help and advice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome.
Time. You will feel better with time. That's what we do, one day at a time.
The anxiety will lessen, it's common in early days. I had a lot of guilt too - the good news is that also becomes less intrusive.
The past cannot be changed. Apologize if you believe it's due and move forward making better choices. I know I didn't make the best choices when I was drinking, but once I stopped my thought processes became much clearer and more positive.
Time. You will feel better with time. That's what we do, one day at a time.
The anxiety will lessen, it's common in early days. I had a lot of guilt too - the good news is that also becomes less intrusive.
The past cannot be changed. Apologize if you believe it's due and move forward making better choices. I know I didn't make the best choices when I was drinking, but once I stopped my thought processes became much clearer and more positive.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I also am a 'Jekyll and Hyde' drinker. I have done so many shameful things. I don't know why I become such a mean and aggressive person. I never got in a fight in my life when sober but I become such a rage-filled lunatic if I drink too much. It always starts out in good fun and most of the times I drank, the night would end without incident. However, some nights if I drink too much, I am liable to snap and turn into a monster at any given moment.
The only option for me is cut out alcohol completely.
The only option for me is cut out alcohol completely.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 4
I never believed I had to stop before. Now that I know I do I am scared that I will fail. I always would just let a drunken episode pass away in memory, and do it again.
I really hate the feeling of waking up and not remembering what I did the night before or how I got home. My wife can't take a single one more of those nights, and I don't blame her. I always rationalized it by "it's been a few months since the last time" but I realize it would just take one time to do something that can't be un-done.
I really hate the feeling of waking up and not remembering what I did the night before or how I got home. My wife can't take a single one more of those nights, and I don't blame her. I always rationalized it by "it's been a few months since the last time" but I realize it would just take one time to do something that can't be un-done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Wastinglife 
I also am a 'Jekyll and Hyde' drinker. I have done so many shameful things. I don't know why I become such a mean and aggressive person. I never got in a fight in my life when sober but I become such a rage-filled lunatic if I drink too much. It always starts out in good fun and most of the times I drank, the night would end without incident. However, some nights if I drink too much, I am liable to snap and turn into a monster at any given moment.
The only option for me is cut out alcohol completely.
The only option for me is cut out alcohol completely.
I read a quote by someone who said the only thing that guided her decision-making while drinking was the simple question "Will this be fun?". If yes, she did it.
That is me exactly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by antiquity
Hi all,
I never dreamed I'd be in this position. I have a great job, family, kids, and work out 6 days a week. People think I have myself totally together.
But I have a monster in me that comes out when I drink. I don't drink that often, but when I do become someone else. I am ashamed and embarrassed for my actions, and I'm lucky my wife has put with me but won't any longer. I finally realized I need to just stop completely, because I am prone to reckless behavior anytime that I drink and I just can't trust myself to act mature and sensibly. I always would rationalize that I don't drink that often so it's not a problem. But when I drink I will sometimes do it to such excess that I don't remember anything, and I may even be driving.
I don't know why I do it. I think it gives me confidence and takes the edge of the anxiety I feel. But I am fed up with myself and know I cannot continue in this way. But now that I made this decision to stop suddenly I feel scared and empty and unable to face life and the poor decisions I have made.
Thanks for any help and advice.
I never dreamed I'd be in this position. I have a great job, family, kids, and work out 6 days a week. People think I have myself totally together.
But I have a monster in me that comes out when I drink. I don't drink that often, but when I do become someone else. I am ashamed and embarrassed for my actions, and I'm lucky my wife has put with me but won't any longer. I finally realized I need to just stop completely, because I am prone to reckless behavior anytime that I drink and I just can't trust myself to act mature and sensibly. I always would rationalize that I don't drink that often so it's not a problem. But when I drink I will sometimes do it to such excess that I don't remember anything, and I may even be driving.
I don't know why I do it. I think it gives me confidence and takes the edge of the anxiety I feel. But I am fed up with myself and know I cannot continue in this way. But now that I made this decision to stop suddenly I feel scared and empty and unable to face life and the poor decisions I have made.
Thanks for any help and advice.
Personally, I don't know if I've hit bottom or not - I don't really think that's important. I've had many bottoms, really, so many things I've done over the years directly resulting from drinking. I guess the bottom line is that I realize that unless I quit drinking, I will lose everything in my life. I'm not constructed in a way that allows for occasional and harmless drinking like most other people. It's just not in me to drink safely, physiologically speaking. It's like I'm allergic to alcohol. And I'm very grateful that I know this now, so I can do what I need to do to not drink.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
That sounds like me when I used to drink. I loved everyone. Everyone was my BFF. Everyone was beautiful/handsome/charming.
I made some really bad decisions that way.
If you are behaving inappropriately when under the influence, the solution is to stop drinking before it destroys the relationships in your life that are beautiful and important.
Drinking made me a larger version of myself. I like the more-inhibited version to be quite honest. She's much less full of drama and fear.
I made some really bad decisions that way.
If you are behaving inappropriately when under the influence, the solution is to stop drinking before it destroys the relationships in your life that are beautiful and important.
Drinking made me a larger version of myself. I like the more-inhibited version to be quite honest. She's much less full of drama and fear.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
Welcome! When I came here two months ago, it was the first time I'd ever participated in a site like this. I'm basically the opposite of you when it comes to drinking: daily, but I became even more internal rather than acting out. For so long, it was very easy for me to say, "I have everything together except this ONE thing" (drinking). Soon enough, everything that I had together was starting to unravel, and this ONE thing became the thing that was ruining my life.
You will find a lot of support and understanding here...thanks for posting.
You will find a lot of support and understanding here...thanks for posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 4
It's funny because I would always judge people who drink very regularly. I had a brother in law that would drink several beers daily (getting buzzed but not drunk) and I would be the first to bad mouth his drinking. I might drink 1-2 days a week, but to excess every month or so. Sometimes it would be several months between episodes, sometimes it would be back-to-back nights. I just never know, that's why I have to stop now.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Welcome, Antiquity 
Glad you found us.
I was a nightly secret drinker, and have been sober 39 days now with the amazing support of these guys and AA.
You've come to the right place .
Glad you found us.
I was a nightly secret drinker, and have been sober 39 days now with the amazing support of these guys and AA.
You've come to the right place .
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Welcome antiquity
Daily drinkers, weekly drinkers, monthly drinkers, yearly drinkers...I think all of us here share the same problem.
You'll find a lot of support understanding and encouragement here
Daily drinkers, weekly drinkers, monthly drinkers, yearly drinkers...I think all of us here share the same problem.
You'll find a lot of support understanding and encouragement here
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 169
Antiguity,
Your story is a carbon copy of mine too. Have a great career, wife, multiples homes, travel around the globe, a successful triathlete locally,etc. I'm either working out at gym or swim/bike/run almost daily. I didn't drink daily, maybe once a week, or when I traveled for business, but could never predict when I'd end up on an "bender". Somehow, never got a DUI, no jail, no problems with the boss, etc. But had enough drunken episodes around the wife that something had to change. Was also just sick of feeling SICK the morning after a blow-out, and at 58 they really really hurt !
I found this place 19 days ago during one of those very painful mornings afters and have remained sober with the daily advice and encouragement of these good people here, plus started going to AA meetings nearby. I'm pretty much willing today to do whatever people suggest, as I too want to make the "monster inside me" disappear forever.
Wish you good luck. Glad you are here. Peace-out, MJM
Your story is a carbon copy of mine too. Have a great career, wife, multiples homes, travel around the globe, a successful triathlete locally,etc. I'm either working out at gym or swim/bike/run almost daily. I didn't drink daily, maybe once a week, or when I traveled for business, but could never predict when I'd end up on an "bender". Somehow, never got a DUI, no jail, no problems with the boss, etc. But had enough drunken episodes around the wife that something had to change. Was also just sick of feeling SICK the morning after a blow-out, and at 58 they really really hurt !
I found this place 19 days ago during one of those very painful mornings afters and have remained sober with the daily advice and encouragement of these good people here, plus started going to AA meetings nearby. I'm pretty much willing today to do whatever people suggest, as I too want to make the "monster inside me" disappear forever.
Wish you good luck. Glad you are here. Peace-out, MJM
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
You've received some great feedback. Not a whole lot more to add other than welcome.
I get your story - I've lived it for many, many years. Together & successful on the outside but a mess on the inside. With the help of some very special people here I'm learning to make my insides match my outside. It's a long, hard road, but I'm making it & you can too.
I get your story - I've lived it for many, many years. Together & successful on the outside but a mess on the inside. With the help of some very special people here I'm learning to make my insides match my outside. It's a long, hard road, but I'm making it & you can too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Hey,
I was really apprehensive to post here the first time about my drinking. I knew that once i typed it out in text then it was officially the beginning of the end of drinking alcohol which scared me to death. This is a great place with wonderful support and people. I drank everyday and also had a problem with dangerous and destructive behavior while drinking. I am now almost five months sober and life is much more peaceful. You can stop too!
I was really apprehensive to post here the first time about my drinking. I knew that once i typed it out in text then it was officially the beginning of the end of drinking alcohol which scared me to death. This is a great place with wonderful support and people. I drank everyday and also had a problem with dangerous and destructive behavior while drinking. I am now almost five months sober and life is much more peaceful. You can stop too!
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