Finally hit bottom, ready for a change
 

Hi I found this website and apparently I made an account a few years back when I was trying to get sober.

I am going to be going into an outpatient treatment centre next week and probably start attending AA meetings. I'll give you a brief summary of whats happened.
When I drink, I can never stop, no matter what I tell myself before I drink I always want more. This has been an issue for 4 or 5 years now and its complicated with cocaine use when I drink, which makes it so I drink copious amount and stay up into the wee hours of the day/night. I have been an expert on hiding my binges from people that are close, my work has noticed and tried to set me up with counselors etc but I soon learnt to not call in sick.

Anyways this past Friday I went out with some friends to a concert. Harmless right? wrong. We had some beers, took a little mdma, it was great. After the show my friends left and I decided to go meet up with my brother. Soon after I ran into my cocaine dealer and from there I really cant remember what happened. I woke up SUNDAY afternoon in some random car parked in a random parking lot. No recollection of what had happened the rest of friday or saturday. I had not showed up to work and my parents had filed a missing persons report. I have never seen my parents so upset and it really bothers me.
I have been seeking help for my drinking through counselors, and I am going through cognitive behavioural therapy for my anxiety. I just feel like this is the last straw. I am slated to start school in a few weeks and it is in a professional career where I'll be dealing with mentally ill/addicted and I really can't be doing this **** while being a professional.
Anyways thanks for listening, I have contacted all my close friends/drinking buddies and told them I can no longer drink etc, I am hoping by surrounding myself with people who want me to get better it will help the process.
Any advice would be appreciated :) Thank you

EDIT: I binge drink about 4 times a month (may not seem like alot but I am not feeling well for a few days after due to the amount I drink)

Well done on making it back and have you got a recovery plan ?

Hi there, I cannot offer much in the way of advice as I am on day two of quitting, but wanted to say welcome to SR. There is alot of great people here and good advice, glad you found us.

Hey Dharmabum2012- Welcome <back>.

It's great that you've come to realize that it's time for action in dealing with your drinking. No doubt that since you're starting school soon, there's no time like the present to stop. And as you know, this is a progressive thing, which will only get worse.

I just wanted to offer some support and wish you the best. I hope to see you around in here.


Lusher

No recovery plan, my triggers are my anxiety and having that first beer. So I think its best to avoid even having ONE. My anxiety is another thing that I am working on, slowly that is.

Welcome,Dharma. I drank, too, due to anxiety. But you may also find that you are less anxious after awhile when you quit drinking. It is a vicious circle: we drink because we're anxious and alcohol makes us even more anxious.

You may feel worse before you feel better, but believe me, it does get better.

Sending you good thoughts.

Welcome!! You are doing a great thing! You will feel much less anxious once you are sober a little bit. It's amazing! Hang around!!

Hi Dharma, your binges sound like mine. My last binge ended after a few days with me waking up on the bathroom floor covered in my own blood and gaping wound on my scalp that exposed my skull. 30 staples to close it.

I have scar to remind me why I can't pick up that first beer. I recently have told most of my friends that I have a problem. They aren't surprised. They just didn't know how bad it had gotten. I got 10 months. It's lonely. I have no social life and will most likely be spending Christmas alone, but I need to do this. I am building a new sober life and for once thinking about the future.

Welcome Dharma...
Sometimes those of us who succumb to reckless binges as opposed to having to start the day off with Jack in our coffee ..struggle much more with the acceptance that we simply must not dance with that devil..ever again. For me..it's Russian Roulette..
It could be a glass of wine..
...Or I could be waking up in Vegas with a serial killer. Although as I aged, I certainly drank daily a lot more often...
It was the insanity of never knowing what was going to happen if I put it to my lips... that made me hold up the white flag.

Given your screen name, here's one for ya..

"My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them"
- Jack Kerouac

Welcome back DB :)
I hope you can make this your turning point :)
D

Wow thanks guys! I appreciate the support! I'll make sure to hang around here you guys seem like a bunch of good influences :). I have planned out the next few months, and my triggers seem to be around social gatherings where there's a big **** up happening. My plan is to avoid these gatherings and let the hosts know my current situation, I have to be honest with them and myself. I have said in the past "I'll just go and have a few" well that never works out and I say that I'll do that next time.

That was a beautiful quote Nuudawn, thank you very much :)

Sounds like you enjoy socializing? If so maybe you join some face to face meetings or other activities that don't involve drinking. It will get old after awhile isolating. Just saying.

Yeah, one can only avoid triggers for so long, which is why a PLAN is important.

How does one avoid becoming anxious forever? Whether you have an anxiety disorder or not, that just isn't possible.

Very happy to meet you Dharma - you sound ready. :)

hi, I am am not sure that I am in a position to give anyone advice. I am on day 4 and have not had a dry week in over 10 years. This week I will succeed in that.

I am like you in that I don't drink everyday and also that my binges last multiple days where literally anything can happen. It is wild, out of control drinking. Not getting arrested etc but drinking without any limits. I don't mix with drugs.

Here is what I wanted to tell you.....about 2 years ago or so when my binges started getting REALLY heavy it was about the same time that I started to panic about my work. I have always worked hard and we were going through a tough time at the time so I attached the panic to my job and not my drinking. I thought I was drinking to cope with the anxiety. Big, big mistake.

It only occurred to be (two years too late) that it was my bingeing that was causing anxiety, even panic attacks. It simply never occurred to me that I was on a downward spiral of stress/anxiety and heavier binges.

Honestly, I really wish that I had confided in someone about this a couple of years ago because it seems so obvious now. But I am a proud person and stubborn as hell. On this one, I have been humbled. Maybe there is something in my story for you to relate to.

How can you not remember almost 48 hours in row?

Thanks ubntubnt, sounds like we are kind of in the same position in terms of our drinking. I also contributed my work to giving me anxiety when it probably has been the last 4 years of heavy drinking and drug use, I never really sat down and thought it was my partying doing until the incident last week. Thanks for sharing and good luck :)

I'm guessing a combination of lack of sleep, copious amounts of alcohol and cocaine use, combined with whatever other drug was around when I was drinking. Scared me straight to be honest

Hi and welcome Dharmabum. This is a great place for support and ideas... Plans and all that. I'm glad you're posting, that was quite an ordeal to get here, to get help :).