Sulu1

I went off the deep end big time. From Saturday until today. I've not even been home yet, hiding away in a hotel and missed work for 2 days. People speak of hitting rock bottom. I think that's where I am right now. I had my first proper blackout and it has been terrifying today worrying about what I did.

I wish it wasn't so hard and I wish more than anything I could nail it but I keep messing up. I'm obviously not committed enough.

I'll go again, pouring the rest out. I will do this.

Thanks in advance guys, just knowing you're reading this helps a lot. This is not the person I know I am!

JT0626

Dust yourself off & time to start over. Nevermind what you may have done, you can control what you are doing NOW. You are in control of yourself & you will get yourself back on track. You can do this, I believe in you.

FreeOwl

So... are you ready to do whatever it takes now?



You can do this!

biminiblue

You've been struggling for a very long time.

Why not seek professional help? You are worth it and deserve a better life.

How about meetings?

Sulu1

Thank you. For the first time I'm finally starting to see this as life or death for me. Without sounding melodramatic I will die young if I keep doing this. Instead of dabbling in sobriety I have to commit once and for all.

Raider

Mr.G, once you get a day or two behind you, you will feel like you are on your way. You just need to start. We all understand this.

Sulu1

Thanks bimini, I agree I've been around here far too long treading water! I've done meetings (i still do). For me it's my depression that keeps bringing me back here and I've not found a solution to that yet. It becomes so exhausting. I take a few medications for it but it becomes easy to give in after a few weeks of it. The wise choice would be to go back to the docs and see if they can help me some more.

FreeOwl

nothing melodramatic about it.... you are absolutely correct.

Boy oh boy.... I've been where you are soooo many times.

And yet here I am, almost 11 months sober and so much more grateful and cherishing my life.

AA, SR, and a willingness to let go were the secret ingredients for me. I had to finally give in and really commit myself to it though. I had to embrace sobriety.

439trish

you can find your footing....don't give up...., glad you posted....people are here for you

Wastinglife

I have done the secret hotel room binge a few times. One particular instance I holed up in hotel about a 10 minute walk from the apartment I shared with my girlfriend. She thought I was out of town visiting my parents. Nope, I was guzzling vodka from morning to night in a room for 4 days. On the 5th day, I checked out and walked the 10 mins with my suitcase back to the apartment pretending as though I just got back into town.

Who does that kinda thing?? An alcoholic who has lost all control.

biminiblue

Then, keep looking for a solution - alcohol delays healing.

Whatever is going on in your head cannot be fixed with alcohol. I found no help in pharmaceuticals, either. I tried, but the side effects were too extreme.

Trach posted this, take a look. There are many ways out of depression.

Thoughts are just thoughts. They can't be stopped while obsessively drinking, it messes with the brain's ability to function properly.

ScottFromWI

It's not melodramatic at all - people die every single day due to alcohol.

On the flip side, alcoholism is one of the few afflictions/diseases/conditions that one can have where the effects are 100% preventable for ANYONE. Accepting our disease and seeking help/planning out a sober life is a choice you, or anyone can make - and there is 100% chance that you will be successful if you truly want to be.

Sulu1

Thank you everyone I really appreciate the support.

I guess I've never severed ties will alcohol. I quit for a few months here and there but I guess I find it comforting to have it as an option, rather than doing what Dee says and 'taking it off the table'.

Scott you are completely right I fully believe that anyone can get through this. It's baffling to consider why I sabotage myself like this.

Sulu1

Yep. Done it a few times. Ended up travelling to another country one time in just the clothes on my back. A highly embarrassing trip all round.

Everything is so confused right now so I need a few days to sort myself out/ deal with the wreckage and hopefully move on from this. This really is not fun. It's the mist lonely, frustrating lifestyle as I'm sure you know!

Fly N Buy

You already know the answer! I too had to try and try again until I became committed = willing to accept I could no longer drink. For me it I couldn't but also reached the point of simply not wanting to......Those were the keys in my case.

Keep working, glad you posted!!!
FlyN

luvmygirls

MrG, you did the right thing by coming back and posting. You've gotten some great advice. You can do this, and we're all here to support you! Take care.

SoberLeigh

I am sorry to hear about this recent relapse, MrG. It was painful to read your account of this experience but reading the account cannot begin to parallel how difficult living through it must have been for you.

You have been battling and struggling for so long. It sounds like the time has arrived for strong and proactive steps above and beyond your current plan.

Have you begun to think about what the next steps might be for you?

We are here for you, MrG, and solidly in your corner.

Anna

Dee is right about taking the option of alcohol off the table and out of your mind. For me, that was what made the difference. When I fully decided to not drink again, ever, my mind gradually shifted and I found healthy ways to deal with life. Have faith that you can get through this and live a sober life.

SoberLeigh

MrG, have you looked into AVRT? You mentioned meetings and I don't know if AA and AVRT are conflicting, but thoughtnit might be worth looking into.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

Soberwolf

Some great advice Mr G