Everyone else is happy?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Everyone else is happy?
After years of struggling with alcoholism, my life hasn't turned out like I had hoped. I tend to put on a front to everyone that things are just fine with me. On the inside, I am a mess. At the office, I put on a smile and just fake it.
I always seem to have this perception that everyone else is happy with their lives. I wonder sometimes if maybe some of them are also putting on a front. I know everyone has their own problems but I feel like such a fraud sometimes. Like I am lying to everyone. It's tough keeping up this charade.
Anyone else doing a great acting job everyday?
I always seem to have this perception that everyone else is happy with their lives. I wonder sometimes if maybe some of them are also putting on a front. I know everyone has their own problems but I feel like such a fraud sometimes. Like I am lying to everyone. It's tough keeping up this charade.
Anyone else doing a great acting job everyday?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 610
Yes. I am miserable with my drinking and cannot even look in the mirror anymore. I put on a happy face to all those around me - except my husband. Its tiring. I wish I actually had the happiness and stability that I pretend I do. I am trying to get that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Yes, i'm acting. Each and every day.
But i'm learning skills on how to be happy.
I learn a lot from studying buddhism and reading Pema Chodron .
The core tenant of Buddhism is that "our instinctual way we react to life will cause us to be unhappy." That's because happiness doesn't last. We found that out with our drinking. We drink, we glow for a short period of time, then we crash and suffer. This happens again and again, not just with drinking, but other things too.
So the teachers in that tradition teach how to see through the temporary pleasures and understand the process of change.
You can read more by going to Wikipedia and reading about "dukkha".
Here's an excerpt:
The principle that "life is unsatisfactory" is the key concept in the Buddhist tradition.
"unsatisfactoriness"is commonly explained according to three different categories:
* The obvious physical and mental suffering associated with birth, growing old, illness and dying.
* The anxiety or stress of trying to hold onto things that are constantly changing.
* A basic unsatisfactoriness pervading all forms of existence, because all forms of life are changing, impermanent and without any inner core or substance.
The Buddhist tradition emphasizes the importance of developing insight into the nature of suffering, the conditions that cause it, and how it can be overcome. This process is formulated in the teachings on the Four Noble Truths.
But i'm learning skills on how to be happy.
I learn a lot from studying buddhism and reading Pema Chodron .
The core tenant of Buddhism is that "our instinctual way we react to life will cause us to be unhappy." That's because happiness doesn't last. We found that out with our drinking. We drink, we glow for a short period of time, then we crash and suffer. This happens again and again, not just with drinking, but other things too.
So the teachers in that tradition teach how to see through the temporary pleasures and understand the process of change.
You can read more by going to Wikipedia and reading about "dukkha".
Here's an excerpt:
The principle that "life is unsatisfactory" is the key concept in the Buddhist tradition.
"unsatisfactoriness"is commonly explained according to three different categories:
* The obvious physical and mental suffering associated with birth, growing old, illness and dying.
* The anxiety or stress of trying to hold onto things that are constantly changing.
* A basic unsatisfactoriness pervading all forms of existence, because all forms of life are changing, impermanent and without any inner core or substance.
The Buddhist tradition emphasizes the importance of developing insight into the nature of suffering, the conditions that cause it, and how it can be overcome. This process is formulated in the teachings on the Four Noble Truths.
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Wastinglife
Suppose I met someone and got to know them really well. To the point I saw behind the facade. I found out that everything really was as it seems. Perfect, or happy, or fulfilled.
I would look at myself in the mirror and think what's wrong with that person?
No... not me... them!
I am sorry you feel life is not what you hoped. I am finding that happiness for myself, even after 15 years or so wasting my life with nothing to show for it but debt and a stack of life lessons... that happiness is far less elusive for me if I stop looking for it.
Happiness is something that happens when we aren't trying to be happy but rather doing things that make us feel good.
What have you done recently to feel good? Even the small things matter.
Suppose I met someone and got to know them really well. To the point I saw behind the facade. I found out that everything really was as it seems. Perfect, or happy, or fulfilled.
I would look at myself in the mirror and think what's wrong with that person?
No... not me... them!
I am sorry you feel life is not what you hoped. I am finding that happiness for myself, even after 15 years or so wasting my life with nothing to show for it but debt and a stack of life lessons... that happiness is far less elusive for me if I stop looking for it.
Happiness is something that happens when we aren't trying to be happy but rather doing things that make us feel good.
What have you done recently to feel good? Even the small things matter.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 283
I think a lot of people do act like they are more happier then they are. The worst thing you can do is compare your life to others, you never know what's going on in someone's head or in someone's life. I'm sure many people feel the way your feeling, I know I have. Try to find happiness in simple things 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 283
I think a lot of people do act like they are more happier then they are. The worst thing you can do is compare your life to others, you never know what's going on in someone's head or in someone's life. I'm sure many people feel the way your feeling, I know I have. Try to find happiness in simple things
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Do not judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I just don't act anymore. I go about my day, doing the tasks that must be done, and appreciating the down time I have to do reading, exercise, dog walking, dinner with husband, etc.
I also meditate now, and it is helping me become more focused on living in the now. I'm no longer squandering my time, so hopefully, when I reflect back on things it will seem as if I have been living a worthwhile life, which will bring contentment.
Contentment with fleeting moments of happiness is as good as I'm able to get in sobriety.
I also meditate now, and it is helping me become more focused on living in the now. I'm no longer squandering my time, so hopefully, when I reflect back on things it will seem as if I have been living a worthwhile life, which will bring contentment.
Contentment with fleeting moments of happiness is as good as I'm able to get in sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Originally Posted by least 
You can never tell what goes on in a person's head or in their home. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. That's why kindness to others is so important.
I saw an elderly man today struggling to pump his gas and people were getting frustrated and passing by him. It felt really good to get out of my car and help him.
Had a rotten weekend but helping this fellow human being made me feel a lot better even if just for that moment when he thanked me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 174
I can absolutely relate to this.
I have two primary challenges in my life. The first is alcoholism. The second is something I try not to talk about much on here, as it probably seems off-topic, yet it's oddly related. My mom is in the early to mid stages of Alzheimer's disease. Slowly but surely, she is losing her memory, her ability to manage daily tasks, and various cognitive abilities. Personality wise, she is as kind and loving as ever, and still the most important person to me, and for that I am thankful. But watching this decline is just beyond painful to me. And it's always with me.
At times, I'm better at dealing with it than others. And obviously, it plays a large part in my alcoholism. Like so many of us, I find that alcohol can temporarily numb the sadness, only to have it return even more powerful when I sober up.
So, when a coworker or acquaintance tells me they're "doing great" or "things are really good", I find myself oddly confused. Lately, I've even caught myself asking them if they really mean that (which I'm sure comes off totally strange). Because I can't really imagine feeling like that. I can't imagine describing life as "so awesome" or the other sh*t I see on Facebook.
If you were to meet me in person, you would probably be stunned to hear this from me. I know I come across as a happy person, and one who seems to have things mostly together. But yeah... I'm not. In the end, it's a matter of gratitude and expectations and coming to terms with the fact that joy can coexist with pain. I'm just not there yet, I guess. Hopefully one day.
I have two primary challenges in my life. The first is alcoholism. The second is something I try not to talk about much on here, as it probably seems off-topic, yet it's oddly related. My mom is in the early to mid stages of Alzheimer's disease. Slowly but surely, she is losing her memory, her ability to manage daily tasks, and various cognitive abilities. Personality wise, she is as kind and loving as ever, and still the most important person to me, and for that I am thankful. But watching this decline is just beyond painful to me. And it's always with me.
At times, I'm better at dealing with it than others. And obviously, it plays a large part in my alcoholism. Like so many of us, I find that alcohol can temporarily numb the sadness, only to have it return even more powerful when I sober up.
So, when a coworker or acquaintance tells me they're "doing great" or "things are really good", I find myself oddly confused. Lately, I've even caught myself asking them if they really mean that (which I'm sure comes off totally strange). Because I can't really imagine feeling like that. I can't imagine describing life as "so awesome" or the other sh*t I see on Facebook.
If you were to meet me in person, you would probably be stunned to hear this from me. I know I come across as a happy person, and one who seems to have things mostly together. But yeah... I'm not. In the end, it's a matter of gratitude and expectations and coming to terms with the fact that joy can coexist with pain. I'm just not there yet, I guess. Hopefully one day.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I think that Least is right. None of us have a perfect life. I do believe that happiness is not a destination. It's a journey and some days are harder than others and that's okay. I hope you find some peace in your life.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I'm not sure if I am happy or not.
I try not to spend time mulling it over too much.
I spent too long mulling over if I was a problem drinker or not and all that did was make me drink for longer, never doing anything about it, never moving forward.
I also don't think its as black or white as that.
Will I ever be just happy or just sad?
I often put my life into compartments.
It helps me understand my world a bit better.
So if my daughter gets a tick, work gets a tick, finance gets a tick, friends get a tick, I can cope with the bad bits that don't get a tick - like me, my home, my health, my extended family.
Maybe its a bit like balancing the books emotionally!
Or emotional book keeping!
I do put on masks though, to hide what I am feeling.
I am with you on that.
Life is certainly not all pink clouds, rainbows, puppy dogs and princesses at the moment. But at least its not made worse with a bad head and a huge lump of regrets.
I try not to spend time mulling it over too much.
I spent too long mulling over if I was a problem drinker or not and all that did was make me drink for longer, never doing anything about it, never moving forward.
I also don't think its as black or white as that.
Will I ever be just happy or just sad?
I often put my life into compartments.
It helps me understand my world a bit better.
So if my daughter gets a tick, work gets a tick, finance gets a tick, friends get a tick, I can cope with the bad bits that don't get a tick - like me, my home, my health, my extended family.
Maybe its a bit like balancing the books emotionally!
Or emotional book keeping!
I do put on masks though, to hide what I am feeling.
I am with you on that.
Life is certainly not all pink clouds, rainbows, puppy dogs and princesses at the moment. But at least its not made worse with a bad head and a huge lump of regrets.
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Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Of course they are putting on an act. Our society considers that "polite" good days, bad days, sick, tired or just fell in love. Who knows what's really going on? It's not so much about sobriety. I work with a girl who has probably never drank.,,, whoa! Talk about a miserable ass woman ... It's obvious and sad.
learning to live
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,665
Thanks for this post, wasting. And thanks SR for all the wonderful responses.
I, like Anna think happiness and recovery itself is about the travel not the destination.
All we really can do as individuals is the next best thing, then repeat..
Just be a kind person in all you do and everything will even out.
I like what Sasha said about putting her life in compartments. Since getting sober that is exactly what I have been doing. I am OK with that and try VERY hard not to ask myself if I am doing enough. At least there are departments now; family, health, spirituality, fellowship, church, gym, friends, SR etc. And I am constantly striving to find more things that make me happy and help my recovery.
When I was drinking there was one big selfish blah called "me drinking alcoholically". Nothing else mattered then and there was only one compartment. At least now, I am doing the next best thing then repeating. And if that's not good enough I know in my heart it is a heck of a lot better than it was
Be kind to yourself and also others. We are all facing battles nobody else knows anything about. If people are over exaggerating their happiness, so be it. Ever heard the expression "fake it til ya make it"? well..... Also, never compare yourself to ANYONE other than who you were yesterday. You are only seeking trouble and heartache in doing that. Somebody is ALWAYS gonna have it better than us and we are ALWAYS gonna have it better than someone else.
I think you are doing awesome Wasting. I followed your journey even when I was a lurker. I always thought your life of recovery looked hella good from the outside looking in. I could bet I am not the only one thinking that
I, like Anna think happiness and recovery itself is about the travel not the destination.
All we really can do as individuals is the next best thing, then repeat..
Just be a kind person in all you do and everything will even out.
I like what Sasha said about putting her life in compartments. Since getting sober that is exactly what I have been doing. I am OK with that and try VERY hard not to ask myself if I am doing enough. At least there are departments now; family, health, spirituality, fellowship, church, gym, friends, SR etc. And I am constantly striving to find more things that make me happy and help my recovery.
When I was drinking there was one big selfish blah called "me drinking alcoholically". Nothing else mattered then and there was only one compartment. At least now, I am doing the next best thing then repeating. And if that's not good enough I know in my heart it is a heck of a lot better than it was
Be kind to yourself and also others. We are all facing battles nobody else knows anything about. If people are over exaggerating their happiness, so be it. Ever heard the expression "fake it til ya make it"? well..... Also, never compare yourself to ANYONE other than who you were yesterday. You are only seeking trouble and heartache in doing that. Somebody is ALWAYS gonna have it better than us and we are ALWAYS gonna have it better than someone else.
I think you are doing awesome Wasting. I followed your journey even when I was a lurker. I always thought your life of recovery looked hella good from the outside looking in. I could bet I am not the only one thinking that
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,009
Wastinglife
I agree with the folks here who say that comparing your life to others is a waste of time. It may be an old adage but rings true (at least for me). During my drinking days, I used to wonder why everyone else was blessed with happiness and I was cursed with bad luck. Its a manic obsession with oneself caused by alcoholism that twists a person to think that way. Abstaining from the drink enables one to break that vicious cycle and gain a fresh perspective on life...sober
Similar to AcceptingChange, I have discovered spirituality through buddhism. I have come to the understanding that long lasting happiness comes from within and that it is a life long journey (at least it probably will be for me). Gratitude, compassion (for others and self), loving kindness for all are, in my view, the keys to serenity, happiness and well being.
Eventually, I trust there will be a day when I can be wholly authentic ever onwards and my acting career will be over
I agree with the folks here who say that comparing your life to others is a waste of time. It may be an old adage but rings true (at least for me). During my drinking days, I used to wonder why everyone else was blessed with happiness and I was cursed with bad luck. Its a manic obsession with oneself caused by alcoholism that twists a person to think that way. Abstaining from the drink enables one to break that vicious cycle and gain a fresh perspective on life...sober
Similar to AcceptingChange, I have discovered spirituality through buddhism. I have come to the understanding that long lasting happiness comes from within and that it is a life long journey (at least it probably will be for me
). Gratitude, compassion (for others and self), loving kindness for all are, in my view, the keys to serenity, happiness and well being. Eventually, I trust there will be a day when I can be wholly authentic ever onwards and my acting career will be over
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