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Marriage without booze advice needed

Old 11-17-2014, 08:22 AM
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Marriage without booze advice needed

I was just kind of curious if other married people have had a lot of difficulty when they took booze out of their marriage. I was under the impression it would be easier, there would be a veil lifted, and all things would be great.

This has not been the case in my experience. I enjoy not being drunk all the time, and not searching for times to drink. My wife is still drinking, not to excess but still drinking. However, it seems I can hardly deal with the bitching from my wife. I don't know if it has been this way for years, and I am now just noticing it as I am not under the influence three or four days a week.

By no means am I perfect, I certainly am far from it and have changed in the last few months, but have other people had this same experience? I am more calm, even keeled, feel better, and have energy to do fun things I have neglected for years because of alcohol. However, I can hardly get along with my wife. Certainly it is a trigger to drink, but I have done well to not fall back into my old habit.

If there is any advice out there from married men or women who have been through this, in regard to what I need to do to make it better I am all ears. We have been married for 18 years, the majority of them very happy. But this last several months is getting me a little worried for my future. I honestly would rather die from alcoholism than listen to my wife bitch and complain all the time. I certainly am happier now than I was when drinking, and I am not looking to go back to drinking, not at all. I like feeling good too much to go back, but something has to give!

Perhaps she is doing the change of life deal, and I know that is an issue, but for the love of God and all things Holy can she just stop complaining.

Thanks for your time.
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Old 11-17-2014, 08:26 AM
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My gf stopped drinking on the spot after she realised what had happened to me

I didnt have to try to say anything thats how she felt

there is no alcohol allowed in our home

We are a happy a lot more now than we was then
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Old 11-17-2014, 08:32 AM
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Yes, it's different. My wife did drink a lot and did quit shortly after me so I have only that exp. right now (and a lot of drunk stories but those are no more). I do know that without the booze some of my housemate's behaviors irked me all of a sudden. It waxes and wanes with the days. Thankfully, we are both trying to support each others' sobriety so we have that bond. We definitely had to draw some lines on how to speak to each other and still make snarky comments but usually talk it out now.
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Old 11-17-2014, 08:34 AM
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I stopped drinking & my husband is still drinking. What I am finding is that I am lonely since he is passed out on the couch. I have noticed he isn't drinking as much lately but still drinking enough to get tipsy but not $hit faced drunk. Not that it matters, he is still under the influence.

We aren't fighting, in my case, we just aren't on the same wavelength.
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Old 11-17-2014, 08:44 AM
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Have you told your wife this?

It may be that alcohol has affected her adversely, too. As you know, you don't have any control over her, but you can choose not to be around her. When she goes into her negative cycle or complaining excessively, can you tell her she's not much fun to be around when she's like that, and then leave and go do something else?

All we can do is be a positive influence on others. I feel for you, I've been her and I've been in a relationship where I was you.
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Old 11-17-2014, 08:45 AM
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Thanks for the replies. We don't argue because of her still drinking, she is not a problem drinker, that is my part of the relationship. It is just that everyday now something is a major deal, and we are not drama people. I love the woman, and will stick it out until I die, but we need some common ground and I will try to talk to her about setting some rules. Main problem is, you only need to tell me something once, and I get it, pretty good hearing and processing capabilities. For some reason she needs to say things 5 to 7 times to get it off her chest. I think in the past I had a beer in my hand and just worried about the next one, rather than listening to her 3-7th time complaining.

Life is really good right now, better than it has been for a long time, but we need to get on the same page. I think we will, I was just wondering if there was some advice. I appreciate the advice and experiences. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make ti work. I have found that leaving is not a good response. One thing positive, is when I leave and go to the ranch I no longer sit up there drinking beer. I actually do productive activities and read books. I just sent her to the ranch today so she can cool off and think about what is going on. I stay up there for three days if I can, I am sure she will be home tonight.

Thanks again!!
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Old 11-17-2014, 08:52 AM
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bottom line if you don't bitch at your wife she should not bitch at you
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Old 11-17-2014, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by herradura View Post
I was just kind of curious if other married people have had a lot of difficulty when they took booze out of their marriage. I was under the impression it would be easier, there would be a veil lifted, and all things would be great.

This has not been the case in my experience. I enjoy not being drunk all the time, and not searching for times to drink. My wife is still drinking, not to excess but still drinking. However, it seems I can hardly deal with the bitching from my wife. I don't know if it has been this way for years, and I am now just noticing it as I am not under the influence three or four days a week.

By no means am I perfect, I certainly am far from it and have changed in the last few months, but have other people had this same experience? I am more calm, even keeled, feel better, and have energy to do fun things I have neglected for years because of alcohol. However, I can hardly get along with my wife. Certainly it is a trigger to drink, but I have done well to not fall back into my old habit.

If there is any advice out there from married men or women who have been through this, in regard to what I need to do to make it better I am all ears. We have been married for 18 years, the majority of them very happy. But this last several months is getting me a little worried for my future. I honestly would rather die from alcoholism than listen to my wife bitch and complain all the time. I certainly am happier now than I was when drinking, and I am not looking to go back to drinking, not at all. I like feeling good too much to go back, but something has to give!

Perhaps she is doing the change of life deal, and I know that is an issue, but for the love of God and all things Holy can she just stop complaining.

Thanks for your time.
My wife & I have both needed a lot of support.

Me with my emotions that lead me to drown them out with drink

Her with her emotions, caused by years of having to live with an alcoholic of my type.

Put the plug in the jug & all will be well ??

Not in my experience.

That's like thinking all will be well after a hurricane ...... "woohoo, look at this wifey .... the wind has stopped blowing"

The wind might have stopped, but there will be a LOT of wreckage to clean up.

Two programs of recovery, one for ex-problem drinkers & one for the spouses of same, were set up, back in the late 1930's & early 40's.

Still to this day, they are hugely popular & can help put back together shattered people, marriages & families.

Go find them would be my suggestion.
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Old 11-17-2014, 09:08 AM
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Another issue that can come up when an addict enters recovery is a shift in family dynamics or just intimate relationships as a whole.

Your wife may have gotten use to the roles of you being the alcoholic and she being the enabler or co-dependent, or even just "not the alcoholic."

As you go through these changes in recovery, she too will have to undergo some changes as well and that can be uncomfortable for both of you. Perhaps marriage counseling with a professional who is familiar with substance abuse can help you both work through these changes together as a couple?
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Old 11-17-2014, 09:12 AM
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I think that you both need to communicate. When she is sober ask her if it is a good time to talk and sit down with her and have a conversation. Don't do it while you guys are doing something else. Set time aside to do it. Be honest and stay calm. You love her and you have a lot together so you need to communicate and find some commom ground.

Hope it stars to get better.

N
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Old 11-17-2014, 09:19 AM
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Haws has some really good points and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Talk to her. Listen to how she feels and go from there.
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Old 11-17-2014, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by herradura View Post
For some reason she needs to say things 5 to 7 times to get it off her chest. I think in the past I had a beer in my hand and just worried about the next one, rather than listening to her 3-7th time complaining.
I think you hit the nail on the head there. You are now having to actually deal with life instead of running away from it by drinking. Consider this possibility - your avoidance of reality by drinking may actually be the reason your wife repeats things multiple times. How do you think you would feel if your wife just decided to pour a glass of wine and ignore you whenever you had something to say?

Perhaps you could sit down and have a discussion about this with your wife? Marriage is about compromise and there will be conflict.
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Old 11-17-2014, 09:55 AM
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yup, communication is vital. and timing. LOL
I'm learning timing is everything with approaching "stuff to talk about"
I used to go in guns ablazin'...not anymore.
Respect begets respect.
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Old 11-17-2014, 10:09 AM
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Scott may have hit on something there... you used to check out and put on the beer muffs.
The only advice I can offer is perhaps seeing a marriage counselor. Some are are good and some can exacerbate issues. Ask your wife what she thinks. Did you talk to her about your concern before you came here asking for input? Maybe that's the best place to start. Good luck.
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Old 11-17-2014, 10:24 AM
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Thanks again for the thoughts. Yeah we tried to iron out some differences and she left town. That is when I decided to post for some advice. I like the term beer muffs! They are effective, but not prudent.

Her drinking is not the issue at all, she does not get falling down drunk, or mean when she drinks, we both get mean when we don't drink. I think she is just mean, and I am a passive aggressive mean. We are totally co-dependent upon each other, we have worked together, are married and have three young kids together. She is an awesome partner when not complaining. I will ask her to only repeat things 2 or 3 times and see if that helps. This is certainly not our first disagreement, we have had many, but this is the first time in a long time when I am clearly sober. Typically we have a barn burner fight about three times a year. In the past, I would leave, drink until I felt better and then return more humble and regretful for my failures as a good husband.

The odd thing in this is she does not care whether I drink or not. I don't get mean at her or the kids, no problems are caused financially, it does not adversely affect the family in an obvious way. However, it is killing me, and that is why I am trying life sober. Killing me physically, emotionally, and more importantly, it takes away everything good in life. I relish not having to plan to drink anymore. When you are a binge drinker it is almost a full time job to insure you are always able to fill the void with alcohol.

Sorry for the long response, but again, I appreciate the thoughts and advice.

We tried counseling once before and it was terrible. We are both self reliant and we will work it out. I just thought much like the when the hurricane is over everything would get easier. Then again I have been a hard drinker for a long time. When we met she did not drink, but I got her to come over to the drinking. I feel bad about that. I just don't want my kids to think it is ok to drink a lot. They are at the age where they know what is right and wrong and I simply cant justify it anymore. Used to justify it saying well, we are I the liquor business, we have to drink.

Thanks
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Old 11-17-2014, 10:51 AM
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In response to your last comment, Herradura, I think you should consider at least take some time to read up on substance abuse and its affect on the family system. You don't necessarily need to go to counseling to work any of these issues.

Unfortunately, things don't get magically better when we are sober. A lot of hard work is going to need to be done before your relationships with your family get better. Its amazing how much alcohol abuse affects more than just the addict.
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Old 11-17-2014, 10:54 AM
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I had/have similar feelings - almost ambivalence I suppose at times towards my beloved. She too does not have any issues with alcohol and rarely drinks. Since I have quit she has not drank at all except at dinner with GF's on occasion.

When I was drunk and others things, I had a really bad memory. Major things I would remember, but little .....don't forget to things - I would shine on and forget.

As the synapses are now firing away my memory is much better and the need to be reminded has diminished. When my wife just wants to perseverate on something I ask her to stop. Whether it is in regards to a task or drama related. I simply cannot listen to it.

However, my wife needs to communicate to me her jazz going on as she see fit , as I do. I have become a much better listener and find that I care more about her now. But, if either of us perseverates we now remind each other......I have heard that one before, honey~

We did go to a list system of sorts......instead of - did you do xyz, now it's more process oriented. If you did not write it down dear, it doesn't exist!

Last thing - there a paragraph in the big book of AA taking about husband getting sober using a tornado as an analogy. The couple/family get in the shelter and the tornado passes. Dad throws the door open, the house is destroyed and loved ones are in shambles. The sun comes out and the ole boy says - Wow Mom, look - the storm passed!!
Isn't life great again?!?

I have a lot of wreckage from my past to work on cleaning up. Can't believe those around me are a little crazy......

Have a thread I started awhile back - probably around the same time as you are now. Grow together or grow apart......Some good advice from others on it.

Good to hear from you man.
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Old 11-17-2014, 10:58 AM
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I'd agree with newhope - you seem to be attempting to correlate these issues of your arguments with drinking ( or not drinking ). These are simply life issues - marital issues in your case. Every single one of us has some kind of issues that were neglected while we were drinking - marital, work related, psychological, etc...

Our coping mechanism to work out these issues while we were drinking was to simply not cope with them at all, and basically just get drunk and hope they went away. Well, what you are finding is what we all did - they don't go away. And we need to deal with them. Discussion is a good thing in a marriage or any relationship...hopefully you can have an honest discussion with your wife. Don't rule out counseling either if you can't figure it out on your own.
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Old 11-17-2014, 11:08 AM
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My husband never drank as much as me, and he has all but quit drinking alcohol in support of me. One of the most startling things about getting sober, though, is that those pink colored/ignore everything /blinder glasses are no longer there for us. I definitely felt a bit shocked when I had to face that my vision of "the perfect marriage" wasn't everything I thought it was in some areas. I think I had to grieve that a bit. I am married over 20 years and I am still very proud of my strong marriage and relationship to my husband, but I had to get as real and authentic about my marriage, as I had to about myself. I realize now that I held in a lot of resentments, pretended that I didn't and drank all of my ugly feelings away. I had a few strong confrontations in months 6-10 of my sobriety with my husband that I do think surprised him a bit, but now at over a year sober, our relationship is at our "new normal" and I think we are both satisfied with it. I have learned that I just have to communicate how I feel and my husband really does take it to heart.
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Old 11-17-2014, 11:23 AM
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I feel for you. My husband is still drinking, and I find him annoying once he has a buzz. He brushes everything off, gets in my face (jokingly) and finally passes out on the couch. Not only do I get irritated but I've been really lonely lately. I don't have an answer, but I'm in the same boat as you. Once he passes out I watch tv and drink tea until I'm tired and then I leave him on the couch and go to bed. I'm hoping he will quit with me, or it might kill our marriage. I never thought I would have to choose between my sobriety and my husband but we are living in different worlds Makes me depressed.
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