herradura

It is pretty clear to me now that it is nothing new, but rather a coping problem. What I am trying to do in my marriage is deal with the real life. Slowing down and just slowing down. In the first several years of our marriage I worked all the time and my job was to make money. She raised the kids, I helped as much as I could, but I worked. We retired young and have spent a couple of years just having fun. Since the change in drinking, we still have fun, but it is not that easy. We are out of sync I guess.

I am not glorifying drinking in any way shape or form. But when it is what you have done for 20 years, it is a change. I am doing well with the change, but we don't seem to connect on the slowing down part. We travel a lot, we do really fun trips, events, social things etc. Now we do it without me drinking, and there is no doubt I am not as much "fun" to be around when not drinking. I certainly feel better about myself and my head and gut are better in the morning, but I am no longer the life of the party.

So for the last few weeks I have been taking two or three days a week and staying at another house or our ranch. I decided this week to stay here all week and gut out the complaining. Then she leaves.!#$

When she returns I will stay for a day or two and we will have a sit down and try to work it out. And we will work it out. I cant afford to split the sheets and after reading some other people's posts about the hell they are in, I should shut the hell up and go shovel snow.

I will work harder on the communication, we communicate often, especially when we are in the same zip code. Perhaps there is a 20 year itch going on. We will work it out, we always do. I wish I could read a book on being less of an ********. I could write a book on being one, but I try very diligently not to be one.

In retrospect this could just be a marriage problem, but she bitches at the kids as much as at me. I have a responsibility to my kids to keep them whole and prosperous and not to me maligned by a Mother who constantly complain at them.

I know memories are very forgiving, but it seems that in the past things were easier when in reality they were much more difficult.

Thanks again

newhope01

Not trying to hijack the thread or anything, but wanted to tell you Sunrise that even though you may be in recovery, you can also go to al-anon for support in coping with your husband's drinking.

I never thought I could do that for my father's substance abuse. I believed that I didn't belong there being a substance abuser myself. I was glad to discover that indeed is not true.

LBrain

On a lighter side, your screen name always gave me a chuckle. As I was searching the storage containers for hallerween decorations I came upon a big plastic storage bin that contained a bunch of tequila bottles. Many high end imports and fancy looking containers. Why would someone save such things? Doesn't matter. I could use the storage bin for something else. I have to get rid of these regardless of how much they may be worth to some other drunk on ebay. I saved tequila bottles like some people saved world series tickets.

sunrise88

I guess I wasn't sure what exactly all-anon was for but I will look into it. Thank you

Anna

I had been married for 25 years when I stopped drinking, though it was just the last three years of that when I began to drink. I have to say that everything changed. At first, I was enormously guilty for the upsets in the family that I had caused. As I moved into the 2nd and 3rd year of recovery, things began shifting toward a middle ground. I realized that all the problems in the relationship were not my fault and therefore, I was able to step back and see what I could do to make things better.

I can't stress the importance of communication. If you are approaching this by living in different homes, that doesn't seem like an effective way to work on the relationship. If being nagged is your biggest concern, then try to explain to your wife how it makes you feel when she asks you multiple times to do something.

herradura

Thanks,
We don't live in different homes. We live together, but we have multiple homes. So, when it gets to me, I leave. We raise three kids, and they are well provided for, really good kids. Like I said earlier, when I read what others are going through I should not complain. It is just difficult to deal with the marriage problem when we have nothing to complain about, yet she complains. I will heed the advice and tell her how much I hate the nagging.

Perhaps I am just too young to not be working all the time and I was happier when I was grunting out 16 hour days.

Lbrain, Herradura makes the best tequila on the planet. I have a room full of empty booze bottles(all sorts of them), and I don't have a clue why I keep any of them. Same for empty Abbey Ale bottles. Perhaps I should clean up all the empty bottles on display and it will make my wife complain less when she comes home tonight or tomorrow. The good thing about all of this, is I don't care when she comes home, I will be sober either way.

Perhaps being married and sober is more complicated than having drinks and being married. Of course, being male, I don't think we have any issues other then her nagging? Of course I am wrong, if you don't believe me,,,, ask my wife!!!!

Thanks all.

ScottFromWI

Gotta be brutally honest here, but you seem to be doing a hell of a lot of complaining of your own. It takes two to tango as they say, and that applies to marriage as well ;-)

Charlie117926

The last time my wife drank was on our wedding night eleven years ago. One glass of champagne. She has never been a drinker. Me on the other hand...well I'm a member of SR so you know that answer.

I'm on the flip side of the coin. we fought continually when I drank. usually due to me trying to lie or cover for my problem. Not her fault.

When I decided to get sober and while I was changing I immediately expected her to change as well, as in being super nice and accepting. I was in for a rude awakening. I could not undo the years of damaged I caused by 7+ days of sobriety, which made me angry. But I had to look in the mirror and understand that I was not going to change the past overnight. I kept focusing on her and what she needed to do when in fact I needed to concentrate on myself and my issues. Things have gotten smoother and home is becoming a happy place again. It takes time.

Anna

Herradura, I do understand that you live together and have raised children as well. I just meant that if you have the option to leave and live in a separate house when things are getting tough, it might make it harder to work through the issues.

CarrieNation

Did you drink daily before? If so I can see how this would be a double whammy -- you don't have booze to give you the fake happiness that makes the problems seem smaller, plus the irritability that comes with alcohol cessation makes everything seem more negative.

My husband and I have both quit drinking, and we stopped right around the same time. I guess it's easier because we're doing it together -- at certain stressed out times of the day, we cut each other a little slack. I think your wife owes you a little of that.

herradura

No never been a daily drinker, three sometimes four times a week, but never daily. More of a binge drinker who made darn sure every time I did something outside of work, there was plenty of beer/booze. I don't think I am that irritable, anymore. I was awfully irritable a couple of months ago. Good for you and your husband both stopping at the same time. I think eventually we will get on the same path and just eliminate it form the life.

I am hoping she has spent enough time in the cold to change her "bitchiness". I am going to have sit down with her when it is calm and see what we can do. And I am NOT going to leave for a day or two!!!

Thanks for sharing and the advice.

herradura

So, wife came back and we had a sit down. We were both easier going, communication flowed. Come to find out I am not busy enough and fun enough anymore. I can see her point, I used to do a lot of things, and always these things were accompanied with alcohol. So I guess what I have done is just stopped doing a lot of activities. I used to love cleaning the garage, working in the yard, and menial tasks as long as I was drinking beer.

So to help with the problem I have made a list of what I need to get done this week and the next, all without drinking beer. I am glad we spoke as I did not know I was negligent in my duties. IRT social activities, she says I am borderline unfriendly now. I know this is the case and I apologized for it and said I would work harder on being friendly. I simply don't see the point in being social. I don't really like most people, and the people I do like seem to not like to be around me. I have tried for years to make some new friends, and it has been a failure. In the past I think a lot of it hinged on my drinking, in retrospect being with a drunk is not really that much fun. At first it is, then it is not.

Now that the booze is taken out of the equation, I just don't have much to say. The topics I like to discuss are not shared with many people, and I cant handle small talk for more than a couple of minutes. I guess I need to go back to the drawing board in regard to being social.

Anyway, I think communication is imperative, but I often, as I assume most people do, get stuck in a pattern where I think things are different than they are. Well, got to go clean up the yard in winter I guess, and will be doing it without the beer. When I get my list finished then I will embark on the social problem. I am in the process of relearning just about everything in my life without alcohol. It is certainly a process, but am very happy to be on the same page as my wife again.

LBrain

wow herradura, I could have written that last post with very few details changed. I felt the exact same way. One thing is to not try to do too much - or get everything done over night. Chip away at things you neglected for a while. I'm still working on my list. Much of it is leftover from drinking days, but I could spend all day and get a ton done as long as I had a beer in my hand. It took a while for me to stay on task and do something without a beer. It was alien to me. But in time I got better at working without beer.
As for the social aspects of life, I completely understand the small talk and dealing with people in general. I've never been one to get into the... what I think is stupid conversation. I've always been just a listener unless I was drunk. Then I had an opinion on everything. But without booze the mundane existence of people's lives and what they feel matters is beyond me.
Your wife needs to be educated on what alcohol does to people. Stay away from al-anon at all costs. There is plenty of literature for her to help her grasp the concepts.

Keep communicating and be humble. Good luck.

Aellyce

Hi, I won't comment on the marriage per se other than there was a good thread about somewhat similar issues and I liked the stuff that was discussed there about how our behaviors as active drinkers most likely generated long-term hurts and resentments. Probably you have seen it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-arrogant.html

A thought on the activity and social life. I'm probably a bit like you by default, I used to intensely dislike small talk and any superficial chatter, but made some efforts to conform a bit more and learn to talk to people also if it's not one of my favorite subjects. I also don't like very much socializing just for the sake of it, parties etc... but very much enjoy the company of like-minded people and groups with whom we have shared interests. The way I like to approach socializing is either one on one with people I click with, or I join groups where the bond is via our shared interests. Small discussion groups, for example, topic-centered at least initially. That way it's really fun for me. Have you tried looking into opportunities like that? Perhaps taking up new hobbies that have (or can have) some social aspect? Then perhaps with time you could also involve your wife if she is interested, or if not, do it by yourself.

Regarding living an active life, if you don't enjoy not working, maybe start something new? Something than interests you. I often feel that many problems in couples stem from the partners not being occupied enough in ways that are right for them, outside of the shared parts of life. Perhaps your wife would find you more entertaining if you told her about some new ideas, new activities that you explore?

herradura

Haennie,
Thanks for the reminder of the other post. I appreciate your thoughts on joining a group as well. I too like one on one communication and get disinterested when there are a lot of different people talking.

Need to get out and try to join some groups. I have been attending a lecturer on WW2 every Tuesday to try to connect with some people of similar interests. Really enjoy investing and finance, but this group of people are difficult to connect to. We all seem to have egos bigger than the room so it is hard to get more than a few in a room.

Have tried volunteering at a place for homeless kids, but not needed. Also tried to do some volunteering with displaced kids from alcoholic families, and again not needed. I am however spending a night at a church as a chaperone for homeless women/kids. That should be interesting.

Perhaps a master gardeners club is the next step. Love to grow things, and like people who grow things, even though we are typically on opposite side of politics, which is fine as we are there for one reason, to grow things.

I don't like not working, I thought I would love it, but fear the commitment of a daily job. I have been looking for a business, but I cant be a "business owner" without doing the work. I really don't want to fall into another 80 hour a week job, at least until my kids are out of the house, then I am game.

Thanks for the advice.