MarathonMan

For the first time when quitting I don't feel I am fighting against sobriety. I think maybe my last relapse changed something in me. I feel so tired and so beat down, so utterly sure I've ****** things up beyond repair that instead of fighting it I feel like I'm clinging to it....like a life raft.... I think if I let go now I'll sink down and never find my way to the surface again.

Sobriety was always something I thought that if I wanted it bad I could just do it, thought I had the measure of it so even when I quit my mind bucked against the idea, it wanted me to save it for another day when I really wanted to, now I realise that was just a lie I told myself, this addiction has me well and truly beat.

I don't believe i can stop sobriety this time, I think if I do I'm done for and I'll end up dragging the people I love down with me. For the first time I can honestly look in a mirror and say I can never ever drink again or it will end up destroy me completely. I'm so tired of everything. I used to look months in advance when quitting at what I'd be doing at Xmas or for my summer holiday....now I can barely see to the end of the day.

I don't know if this is kindling or whatever people call it but I didn't understand that a relapse and detox could feel like this....I think I finally relinquished control completely in this relapse and then realised I couldn't get it back.

Sorry about the rant, I don't have anyone else to talk to, my wife thinks the world is sunshine and buttercups and my family want to pretend that nothings happening so I'm pretty isolated.

Inchworm

MarathonMan, it's 6 am here so I'm not a bundle of insight for you. I hear that you are so tired, so drained. No need for a marathon today, friend. Listen to yourself, get some sleep.

FreeOwl

I felt like this after my last relapse too....


And then I shifted to gratefully seeing sobriety as a gift.

Almost 11 months out, that shift is still working.



I hope it works for you too!

IOAA2

Hi.
I think my feeling was similar when I finally surrendered to the act that I could not drink in safety one day at a time in a row.
Fortunately that was a lot of years ago and I feel the same today. It’s not a wishing thing for the long run as it requires a lot of work and changes.

BE WELL

Soberwolf

You can do this MM

im glad you feel diffrent and talk when you need to talk try to only focus on your sobriety and the pregnancy its good your wife is positive maybe she doesnt understand but shes pregnant so just keep your head down stay sober talk on here whenever you need to talk reach out if its on you

we are here

Hawkeye13

The feeling you describe is like the one I had after my failed moderation / relapse last Summer.

I knew, without a doubt, I had to be really really done with alcohol and it was a gradual
acceptance sort of like light snow falling and settling and gradually turning the world white and peaceful.

I knew I couldn't keep fighting it--trying to be sober on my terms.
That part of my life was over, and I ached, but I also knew better times would come of it if I could stay the course.

And they have. And they will for you too. Just keep walking until you are ready to run again.

Aellyce

I also relate to your post, MM. Sounds very similar to how I felt before I quit in January. And I did not have the kind of relapses you did and many others report: drinking again after a few weeks or months of sobriety. My issue was never being able to stop longer than 2-3 days, several years of that, and I had known without doubt during that time that I had a serious addiction and that would never be resolved unless I stop completely and definitively. No illusions that I could be a normal drinker, no romanticizing, no denial so to speak... still unable to stop for a long time because I did not have true commitment and did not do anything particular, just somehow hoped that one day I would not want to drink anymore. You know, that definition of insanity... It was an awful state of existence. I had this long gap between acceptance and action. So one of my conclusions from this experience was that acceptance and surrendering itself is not enough, it's a good basis, but most importantly, things need to happen.

This was exactly how I felt during my first few months, and for me it was a good and efficient incentive, albeit fear-based. I used a lot of negative reinforcement to keep me sober no matter what, initially. The great news is that sort of fear can start to lift after a while, I started to experience this when I saw my life really changing for the better and when I regained a longer term vision instead of what you described, hardly being able to see through a single day.

As far as I can see, the dynamic and details of this process can be quite different for people, but the way it goes when we really do the work seems quite similar. I think you could really ride these current feelings and state of mind. Go for it!

JT0626

I get it, I really do. Alcohol in moderation for me? What is that? I have no control & now that I accepted I am relieved that I no longer have room in my life for alcohol.

On Saturday I ran my first 5k ever. I am hooked & want to do more....this will replace my alcohol...running.

Wharf Rat

When you say "I used to look months in advance" really makes sense to me. That is exactly what I'm doing..trying to figure out how in the world I'm not going to drink during certain events in the near future that I must attend. Let me know you're plan please.

biminiblue

I hope you can begin to shift your thinking to how incredibly lucky you are.

You have a baby on the way! You have a sunshine and rainbows wife. Believe me that's way better than a depressed, crying wife. You are very lucky to have hitched your stars to happy. Maybe some of it could rub off? This is about to be the most exciting, joy-filled time of your life.

I know you made it to what, 45 days last time? At two months I was beginning to really feel great. I had surrendered to "never again" and found it isn't that difficult. Most of my problems were between my ears. It took a while for my brain to reboot and start acting normal. I hope you can believe us that it will happen - a lot of your depression and sadness will lift with continued sobriety.

Stick with us. I'm really glad you quit Friday instead of today

There is plenty of support here!

MarathonMan

biminiblue - I quit for 2.5 years, 125 days, 45 days and now today is 4 days

It's odd how it's got harder each time.....I think maybe I'm ready now though, I'm gonna stage a Rocky-esque comeback off the mat to win the fight.

I'm with you in being glad I didn't wait until Monday, if I'd have waited I might have then thought I'll wait till next Monday or after Xmas etc.

MarathonMan

JT0626 - congrats on the race, it's always hardest to go and do the first one. Don't do what most people do though and go from 5k straight to half marathon straight to marathon. First year of running stick to 10k max for a race....your legs (ankles and knees especially) will thank you in the long term.

Magellan

Very happy for you MM, I knew you could/would pull yourself up! Funny about the running, I went from absolutely zero running straight to a half marathon, I have a brother who challenged me (13 years younger) that he could lift more weight than I could and I would need to run faster than he could. We signed up for a Rock-n-Roll half and I trained and trained, the weather was so hot 90+, lots of sunshine on Labor Day weekend took my time, he tried to run fast out of the block and end up pulling his hamstring and I crossed the finish 41 seconds faster...haha, hasn't lived it down to this day, that was 10 yrs ago. I want to run a full marathon but don't know if I have it in me. Good luck and congrats on the new baby, you will do this.

ccam1973

Stay strong MM. You have the power and know what to do based on your past sobriety. It does seem to get harder and harder each time. I didn't have 2.5 years under my belt but did go 9 months last year after 20 years of heavy - daily drinking. Never thought I could make it 2 days much less a longer period.

I always kept the "relapse" option open in the back of my mind in the past. Relapsed last holiday season and spent first half of last year climbing and falling, climbing and falling further...

My last day one was July 7 and something was different. I knew there was no going back this time. No "relapse" option left in the back of my mind. I gave in to fighting it. Don't get me wrong, it has been hard as hell getting some time under my belt, but I gave in 100% versus 99% in the past.

You can do it! We are here for each other...

Anna

I'm glad you feel like you're ready to make this work, MM.

fastfocus

I relate to your share, I fought it every time, then one day I stopped fighting, and sobriety came.

heartcore

Welcome to Monday, MM..I'm so glad you arrived here sober

Yes & yes to all you described. After relapsing this summer, I came back to a very different sobriety. It is just the way it is. All in.

So glad to have you back. I think you're going to like the "sobriety on which you actually surrendered."

soberclover

I found that my attitude about sobriety was different after a relapse after a long period of being clean and sober. Hope you are able to figure out what happened, learn from it, and move on. Glad you are back; many don't make it back.

gypsytears

Pulling for you MM.

JanieJ

This ^^^^^^ A thousand time this.

That is so beautifully accurate, Hawkeye.