TacksGirl

I don't know what to do. I have not been to any meetings yet, I will be going this week, but I can't stop my mind from running so I have to post. I know my ABF is using, I know it. And I can't find the courage to say anything. I have never had to say anything before and I'm so scared and anxious about it. This is the first relapse that I am aware of since he admitted to me in April he had an addiction problem. I was completely naïve before he told me, I had absolutely no idea he was snorting heroin. This past week it has become painfully obvious to me that he is using again, and I find it hard not to withdraw from him when it's right in my face that he's high. He notices a difference in my demeanor and asks if anything is wrong... he has to know that I know. Which pisses me off, but as a helpful SR member told me, I have not set any boundaries and he's playing on that. From what I've been reading, my understanding is that if I'm choosing not say anything and choosing to still be with him then I should accept him and work thru it with out being cold and distant... I should be focusing on how I deal with his addiction, not how he is dealing, right? I am feeling that same embarrassment as when I was blindsided with his addiction in April. Now I'm more embarrassed and ashamed bc I know he's using and I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I am grasping onto hope that he will stop since he chose to stop on his own before. I want to believe he will, but I know I am just delaying it. If he doesn't stop, I know I have to talk to him. I am still working on what to say, hoping the meetings and forums here will help me with this. More than that, I hope to find the courage to do this. I can't avoid it anymore. I love him and want to be with him, I want to support him and help him through it. But if he refuses my help and the using and lies continue, I don't know how to keep trying without giving up.

FreeOwl

if I were in your shoes.... I would be seriously questioning WHY I AM STAYING WITH HIM....

Rather than telling yourself you shouldnt be cold and distant, I would offer you the reflection that you ought to remind yourself you are being cold and distant because his continued using triggers a recognition that he doesn't value and respect you enough to be honest with you, that he is in a place of denial and that he is not prepared to put his recovery first.

I would offer you the reflection that if you are dedicated to putting YOUR needs first, you will focus on supporting you. Clearly, he is not ready to face his addiction or be fully present in relationship. Is this really a relationship that is healthy for you? Does it serve you? Does continuing on in a relationship where you falsely set aside your needs and do your best not to be "cold and distant" and try to support a partner who isn't willing to care for himself or respect you? Sounds an awful lot like co-dependency to me.

sugarbear1

where are your boundaries?

we must have boundaries or we tend to lower and lower the bar.....

and a user can't be a good dealer. he's working towards a disaster and you might be caught up in it.

take care of you

least

If I were in your position, his using again would be a deal-breaker for me.


Welcome to the family from a fellow Buckeye.

Soberwolf

I think the first 3 posts covers what i was going to say

Sorry TacksGirl

TacksGirl

Thank you all, I appreciate your honesty. It's not what I want to hear but I know you are right and it's what I needed to hear. It is hard to admit that this could be it. I have spent 7 years of my life with him, I love him. Any suggestions on how to approach him? I don't want to be confrontational but i want to be clear on what I know he's doing, it's not ok with me and he has to get help or we can't be together. I don't want to sound harsh bc I understand he has a disease. But i want him to take me seriously and know that I'm not messing around. I can't have a life with someone who I can't trust. .

retiredusaf

You say you do not want to be confrontational but I don't see any other way to be. Be strong and have a plan to go somewhere if things go south.

biminiblue

Yeah, you need a plan.

Are you able to support yourself without his financial help?

TacksGirl

i know that it's not easy to avoid being confrontational but i would like to approach him as best as I can. Yes I can go somewhere if our conversation does not go well. Also yes that I can support myself financially, thankfully.

Soberwolf

Good luck Tacksgirl

FreeOwl

there's no need to be confrontational, though for those of us with people-pleasing tendencies - simply telling our truths can FEEL confrontational.

"I need to honor my own inner truth and my own needs. I feel as though our relationship has become deeply unhealthy and I need above all to look out for my own health and wellness. Right now, it's not possible for me to do that while continuing in relationship with you. I can't predict the future so I won't speculate on whether this is 'the end' and I won't spend time debating this with you. I care for you, I love you - that doesn't change the fact that this is unhealthy. I am going to move forward right now taking care of myself and I hope that you'll do the same. Taking care of myself right now means I cannot be with you because you are not taking care of yourself and I am allowing myself to be dragged into unhealthy patterns. I wish you the best and hope that you will also spend time looking deeply and honestly at how you can be the best YOU that you can be, for I know that you have it in you to be fantastic".

....for example.

It needn't be a confrontation or a conflict to speak our truth with love, respect and openness.... though I know how scary it can be.

Nuudawn

Sort of. You actually can't deal with "his addiction"..
But you do need to deal with your powerlessness over it...

I recently posted something in the "Friends & Family" section of this forum about how someone's behaviour triggered my abandonment issue. It felt like a cold, uncaring bullet to the heart.

Bleeding and writhing in pain...I kept going back to the shooter. I wanted him to stop the bleeding..stop the pain.

Why was I begging a source of pain to stop the pain? Why was I not tending to my own wound....

You need to tend your wound...as far back as it goes hon.

Get to a meeting..start connecting with others who understand...and you will probably find some resonance with "Friends & Family" also...

Your addict is your addiction.

FreeOwl

BAM.

There it is.