Introducing Sobermom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Norway
Posts: 194
Introducing Sobermom!
This past week I've spent more hours in here than I care to count, and wow! What an epiphany! In the beginning I felt like a real lightweight, what with my 2.5 years of continuous drinking. Then I realized it's all about addiction, which I've struggled with my whole life.
I was bullied in primary school, and remember vividly the first time I stole money from my mother to buy candy and huge bags of potato chips. Food was my drug of choice for more than 30 years. SO many parallels to drinking..: Hiding food, trying to eat "normally" while around other people then going home to pig out. Having a weekend alone? I would plan my whole weekend around food. Eating until I threw up or just curled up in bed with intense stomach pains.
Always trying to control myself. I weighed close to 300 lbs at the end, could barely walk because of arthritis. I remember standing in the parking lot one morning, crying, because I had no idea how I was going to climb the 23 steps to my office building. That was the day I went to the dr to ask for help. For the first time in my life I had to say out loud "I'm overweight, and I can't stop eating" - one of the hardest things I've ever done. Saying "I'm an alcoholic" was piece of cake in comparison.
Some kind of divine intervention kicked in, and 3 days later my then husband won $1 million in the lottery. I immediately had gastric bypass surgery. I was euphoric for a couple of years. Lost half my body weight, got divorced (the marriage had been bad for several years), travelling, shopping and men was how I passed my time.
Fast forward, and I finally found the love of my life. He dumped me, I was heartbroken. I turned to wine. On-and-off relationship with him for more than 2 years, alcohol my only constant companion. We originally met at work, weeks before he was leaving for a different job. We both work in IT, and a year ago he called me to say he was sorry, but his current employer was outsourcing, and he had gotten his old job back. I panicked. Started applying for new jobs, I could not face seeing him every day. Our relationship was still very complicated, with sex, dinners and sleepovers several times a week (I was still drunk every night, often seeing other people and trying to start new relationships).
Again, I was very lucky. I got a new job, better pay, more interesting. (I still love my job and my wonderful colleagues.) A new beginning! I was so excited. I made a deal with my ex - the "relationship" would have to end when I started my new job. I quickly ventured in to a relationship with one of my new colleagues. My ex broke down, and begged me to take him back. There were promises of marriage, kids (I'm 40, with a 17- and 18-year old, both have moved out) and happily ever after. I dumped my new bf and took him back. That lasted for all of 2 months.
Then I really started spiralling out of control... This summer was terrible. My colleague hated me, my kids had moved out, I could barely do my job due to the constant hangovers. Got involved with another colleague (being a woman in IT means you have the pick of the litter apparently). I still tried SO hard to control my drinking. I needed 3-4 nights a week alone just to get as drunk as I felt I needed to be to get numb and just forget about everything. I ended the relationship to get more time to drink. I actually told him I needed someone who was more complicated - I love to read, discuss philosophy and talk about art, movies and culture in general, he liked to run and work out...
Months of heavy drinking ensued. I truly hated my life. I drank until I passed out/blacked out every evening, always alone, always disappointed that I woke up the next day. If my kids came to see me, I would drink red wine from a coffee cup, thinking I had everyone fooled. Yeah, right...
My name in real life means "strength". This was very important to my father. I was raised to handle what life throws at me, learn from it and move on. A fighter. Food was my outlet. I would secretly eat and cry, then pretend everything was ok. After the gastric bypass this was no longer possible, so I would drink and cry instead, feeling helpless, hopeless and pathetic.
I do still have a lot of fight in me though! On this - my 8th sober day in a row (a record!), I feel like a tiger, I feel I have superpowers! On the verge of tears, I finally feel like I have discovered something in me that I thought was long gone. I am so incredibly proud after this weekend with my son. I am sobermum! And sobermum can do incredible stuff!
1. Sobermum is funny - her brain works with incredible speed, she can give a comeback like nobody else, having her kids roaring with laughter.
2. Sobermum smiles and laughs, bringing the sun out in the cold, dark winter.
3. Sobermum can cook up a storm, feeding the hungry masses with healty yet incredibly tasty food.
4. Sobermum has a wallet like a cornucopia, there is always enough money to go out to eat or have coffee.
5. Sobermum never yawns - she is full of energy all day.
6. Sobermum cares, and has endless hours to listen to her kids' stories from school. She gives great relationship advice.
7. Last, but not least: Sobermum can drive a car without breaking the law. 24/7.
I really love sobermum. Writing this as a reminder for the bad days.
I was bullied in primary school, and remember vividly the first time I stole money from my mother to buy candy and huge bags of potato chips. Food was my drug of choice for more than 30 years. SO many parallels to drinking..: Hiding food, trying to eat "normally" while around other people then going home to pig out. Having a weekend alone? I would plan my whole weekend around food. Eating until I threw up or just curled up in bed with intense stomach pains.
Always trying to control myself. I weighed close to 300 lbs at the end, could barely walk because of arthritis. I remember standing in the parking lot one morning, crying, because I had no idea how I was going to climb the 23 steps to my office building. That was the day I went to the dr to ask for help. For the first time in my life I had to say out loud "I'm overweight, and I can't stop eating" - one of the hardest things I've ever done. Saying "I'm an alcoholic" was piece of cake in comparison.
Some kind of divine intervention kicked in, and 3 days later my then husband won $1 million in the lottery. I immediately had gastric bypass surgery. I was euphoric for a couple of years. Lost half my body weight, got divorced (the marriage had been bad for several years), travelling, shopping and men was how I passed my time.
Fast forward, and I finally found the love of my life. He dumped me, I was heartbroken. I turned to wine. On-and-off relationship with him for more than 2 years, alcohol my only constant companion. We originally met at work, weeks before he was leaving for a different job. We both work in IT, and a year ago he called me to say he was sorry, but his current employer was outsourcing, and he had gotten his old job back. I panicked. Started applying for new jobs, I could not face seeing him every day. Our relationship was still very complicated, with sex, dinners and sleepovers several times a week (I was still drunk every night, often seeing other people and trying to start new relationships).
Again, I was very lucky. I got a new job, better pay, more interesting. (I still love my job and my wonderful colleagues.) A new beginning! I was so excited. I made a deal with my ex - the "relationship" would have to end when I started my new job. I quickly ventured in to a relationship with one of my new colleagues. My ex broke down, and begged me to take him back. There were promises of marriage, kids (I'm 40, with a 17- and 18-year old, both have moved out) and happily ever after. I dumped my new bf and took him back. That lasted for all of 2 months.
Then I really started spiralling out of control... This summer was terrible. My colleague hated me, my kids had moved out, I could barely do my job due to the constant hangovers. Got involved with another colleague (being a woman in IT means you have the pick of the litter apparently). I still tried SO hard to control my drinking. I needed 3-4 nights a week alone just to get as drunk as I felt I needed to be to get numb and just forget about everything. I ended the relationship to get more time to drink. I actually told him I needed someone who was more complicated - I love to read, discuss philosophy and talk about art, movies and culture in general, he liked to run and work out...
Months of heavy drinking ensued. I truly hated my life. I drank until I passed out/blacked out every evening, always alone, always disappointed that I woke up the next day. If my kids came to see me, I would drink red wine from a coffee cup, thinking I had everyone fooled. Yeah, right...
My name in real life means "strength". This was very important to my father. I was raised to handle what life throws at me, learn from it and move on. A fighter. Food was my outlet. I would secretly eat and cry, then pretend everything was ok. After the gastric bypass this was no longer possible, so I would drink and cry instead, feeling helpless, hopeless and pathetic.
I do still have a lot of fight in me though! On this - my 8th sober day in a row (a record!), I feel like a tiger, I feel I have superpowers! On the verge of tears, I finally feel like I have discovered something in me that I thought was long gone. I am so incredibly proud after this weekend with my son. I am sobermum! And sobermum can do incredible stuff!
1. Sobermum is funny - her brain works with incredible speed, she can give a comeback like nobody else, having her kids roaring with laughter.
2. Sobermum smiles and laughs, bringing the sun out in the cold, dark winter.
3. Sobermum can cook up a storm, feeding the hungry masses with healty yet incredibly tasty food.
4. Sobermum has a wallet like a cornucopia, there is always enough money to go out to eat or have coffee.
5. Sobermum never yawns - she is full of energy all day.
6. Sobermum cares, and has endless hours to listen to her kids' stories from school. She gives great relationship advice.
7. Last, but not least: Sobermum can drive a car without breaking the law. 24/7.
I really love sobermum. Writing this as a reminder for the bad days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Norway
Posts: 194
Feeling lightyears away from the "lying naked on the couch, crying and drinking"-mum my daughter told her therapist about a couple of years ago, thank god.
It's a strange sensation to feel in control. This week I was tested twice, first in my film club (everyone has beer), then a dinner with colleagues (about half of them had beer or wine). I happily drove my car to both, and was more interested in seeing how they changed their behaviour after a couple of drinks than drinking myself. Normally I would have gotten drunk and skipped the movie and the great barista class we had after dinner.
It's a strange sensation to feel in control. This week I was tested twice, first in my film club (everyone has beer), then a dinner with colleagues (about half of them had beer or wine). I happily drove my car to both, and was more interested in seeing how they changed their behaviour after a couple of drinks than drinking myself. Normally I would have gotten drunk and skipped the movie and the great barista class we had after dinner.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Great story SM. I have a less extreme version of your eating disorder. If I have anything I like, sweet food, biscuits, butter...a long list in the house I eat it until it's gone. I firmly believe my drinking was part of that tendency to put something in my mouth for comfort.
I hope I can move on just like you. I've done it with alcohol (so far), but with food it seems harder.
I hope I can move on just like you. I've done it with alcohol (so far), but with food it seems harder.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Norway
Posts: 194
I agree, FeelingGreat. The problem with food is you can't quit eating... Even after the surgery I would plan eating things I know make me sick (fat and sugar), much like I planned weekends of binge drinking.
I still smoke a lot... One addiction at a time.
I still smoke a lot... One addiction at a time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 174
Thanks for sharing! Wow - you have had a lifetime of ups and downs in only a very short period. The parallel to food is also really interesting - never thought of it like that but you explained it very well. Sobermum, everything is better when sober and I mean EVERYTHING! Just stick with it and ignore those voices in your head telling you to drink - its a trick, you really dont want it.
If i ever get an urge to drink, i simply fast forward the night in my head and pause at random points, to really analyze the scene at a very deep level. How am I feeling, what am i doing, how much am i drinking, have i puked yet, did i embarrass myself yet, am i getting those horrible pains from too much vodka, did I waste hundreds of dollars online, did i take money from loved ones, did I leave the stove on, did I take too many sleeping pills, did i drive drunk, did i yell at those i care for, did i have random unsafe sex, did i get somebody pregnant, did I contract an STD, am i getting those horrible heart palpitations that wake me up at night, did i go to bed at 5pm because i started drinking at 8am, went to bed at 5pm now force sleeping for 15hrs because i dont want to wake up and face the day too early knowing the liquor store is not open yet.
That is enough for me to say, "yeah i dont think i am drinking today"
8. Sobermum wont drink today: because waking up early, not hungover is so much better than the alternative.
Go get em Sobermum!
If i ever get an urge to drink, i simply fast forward the night in my head and pause at random points, to really analyze the scene at a very deep level. How am I feeling, what am i doing, how much am i drinking, have i puked yet, did i embarrass myself yet, am i getting those horrible pains from too much vodka, did I waste hundreds of dollars online, did i take money from loved ones, did I leave the stove on, did I take too many sleeping pills, did i drive drunk, did i yell at those i care for, did i have random unsafe sex, did i get somebody pregnant, did I contract an STD, am i getting those horrible heart palpitations that wake me up at night, did i go to bed at 5pm because i started drinking at 8am, went to bed at 5pm now force sleeping for 15hrs because i dont want to wake up and face the day too early knowing the liquor store is not open yet.
That is enough for me to say, "yeah i dont think i am drinking today"
8. Sobermum wont drink today: because waking up early, not hungover is so much better than the alternative.
Go get em Sobermum!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Norway
Posts: 194
Downtown, I can really relate! The fast forward is excellent. I do it all the time.
One of the best things is waking up, knowing there will be no "facepalm-moments" when I check my phone and Facebook-messages. I was a terrible drunk texter. Either really sentimental or downright abusive.
That's the advantage of food over alcohol I guess, no blackouts.
One of the best things is waking up, knowing there will be no "facepalm-moments" when I check my phone and Facebook-messages. I was a terrible drunk texter. Either really sentimental or downright abusive.
That's the advantage of food over alcohol I guess, no blackouts.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Welcome Sobermum!
Are you working a recovery program?
It's helpful in these early days to really harness the momentum you're feeling and take actions that will help give you stability when you find yourself in more challenging territory further on.
Well done so far!!
Are you working a recovery program?
It's helpful in these early days to really harness the momentum you're feeling and take actions that will help give you stability when you find yourself in more challenging territory further on.
Well done so far!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Norway
Posts: 194
Hi FreeOwl. No program. I checked out AA, but living in a small city in Norway they only have meetings once a week.
My strategy is to keep busy. I've read hundreds of self help books these past couple of years, and I'm practicing mindfulness and NLP actively. Loved reading about urge surfing, so I'm doing that.
I know my triggers, so whenever I stumble upon one (which is all the time at the moment) I focus on my anchors (again, NLP) and just sit still in the moment for a few minutes.
I was surprised at how easy it was to go for soda instead of beer while out with other people, but I was for the most part a solitary drinker.
I've changed my work hours so I get home later than before.
I have people to reach out to when none of the above do the trick.
...and I spend hours and hours in the forums.
My strategy is to keep busy. I've read hundreds of self help books these past couple of years, and I'm practicing mindfulness and NLP actively. Loved reading about urge surfing, so I'm doing that.
I know my triggers, so whenever I stumble upon one (which is all the time at the moment) I focus on my anchors (again, NLP) and just sit still in the moment for a few minutes.
I was surprised at how easy it was to go for soda instead of beer while out with other people, but I was for the most part a solitary drinker.
I've changed my work hours so I get home later than before.
I have people to reach out to when none of the above do the trick.
...and I spend hours and hours in the forums.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Norway
Posts: 194
...and for some reason, Frank Sinatra is singing "That's Life" in my head constantly..!
Detox over, so I think I'll give him a go on Spotify while I change my sheets (nightsweats are history) and fight some dustbunnies.
Detox over, so I think I'll give him a go on Spotify while I change my sheets (nightsweats are history) and fight some dustbunnies.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by StellaPolaris 
...and for some reason, Frank Sinatra is singing "That's Life" in my head constantly..!
Detox over, so I think I'll give him a go on Spotify while I change my sheets (nightsweats are history) and fight some dustbunnies.
Detox over, so I think I'll give him a go on Spotify while I change my sheets (nightsweats are history) and fight some dustbunnies.
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