I don't know where to go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Dubai
Posts: 99
I don't know where to go
I feel very alienated from AA at the moment.
I’m 8 months away from a drink, and 6 months fully clean and sober (I slipped by having a joint two months in)
I have a sponsor and we have worked up to Step 10, the main challenge has been that I still don’t have HP and I don’t pray regularly apart from saying the serenity prayer at meetings.
I seem to have a pattern where I do okay for 3 or 4 weeks, and then I just get completely overwhelmed by life. I obviously have to keep my **** together at work, and also at home because I have housemates who don’t know I’m in the programme and think I’m a normal person, so it all comes out at meetings. Basically this means I often cry and get really upset in meetings. I feel depressed for days on end, and I often wonder what happens when you can’t do drinking but you can’t do recovery either. The voices in my head are too loud. It’s making my life as unmanageable as it was when I was drinking in some ways.
In the beginning, people were really supportive, but now it’s like they’re bored of my ****. They regularly tell me ‘misery is optional’ or ‘attitude is a choice’. It makes me really angry and even more upset when they say that because I don’t choose to get upset or be depressed or cry, it just happens and I don’t know any other way to be than how I am. I’m not choosing this. But it’s like they think I’m just choosing it for the sake of drama. Over the weekend, several different people said to me “If you’re that miserable, go out and drink”. This seems to be some kind of dare or reverse psychology that’s supposed to make me think “oh no, not a drink – that’s not the answer”, but what it actually makes me think is “okay then, a drink sounds pretty f***ing good right now if I’m honest.”
I don’t want to go to my home group tonight. I feel angry and embarrassed and just ******. I feel like telling them all to go f*** themselves and heading for the nearest bar to be honest.
I’m just scared ********. I know the programme will be there if I want to come back in, but if I go out now I don’t know if I’ll make it back.
I’m 8 months away from a drink, and 6 months fully clean and sober (I slipped by having a joint two months in)
I have a sponsor and we have worked up to Step 10, the main challenge has been that I still don’t have HP and I don’t pray regularly apart from saying the serenity prayer at meetings.
I seem to have a pattern where I do okay for 3 or 4 weeks, and then I just get completely overwhelmed by life. I obviously have to keep my **** together at work, and also at home because I have housemates who don’t know I’m in the programme and think I’m a normal person, so it all comes out at meetings. Basically this means I often cry and get really upset in meetings. I feel depressed for days on end, and I often wonder what happens when you can’t do drinking but you can’t do recovery either. The voices in my head are too loud. It’s making my life as unmanageable as it was when I was drinking in some ways.
In the beginning, people were really supportive, but now it’s like they’re bored of my ****. They regularly tell me ‘misery is optional’ or ‘attitude is a choice’. It makes me really angry and even more upset when they say that because I don’t choose to get upset or be depressed or cry, it just happens and I don’t know any other way to be than how I am. I’m not choosing this. But it’s like they think I’m just choosing it for the sake of drama. Over the weekend, several different people said to me “If you’re that miserable, go out and drink”. This seems to be some kind of dare or reverse psychology that’s supposed to make me think “oh no, not a drink – that’s not the answer”, but what it actually makes me think is “okay then, a drink sounds pretty f***ing good right now if I’m honest.”
I don’t want to go to my home group tonight. I feel angry and embarrassed and just ******. I feel like telling them all to go f*** themselves and heading for the nearest bar to be honest.
I’m just scared ********. I know the programme will be there if I want to come back in, but if I go out now I don’t know if I’ll make it back.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
It sounds like you are dealing with a certain amount of depression. Have you sought out any treatment?
I think sometimes people in meetings get frustrated if they don't know how to help. Depression could be a case where the folks AA are ill equipped to help with that specific problem.
Seek out an evaluation from a qualified mental health professional. There's a lot they can do to help.
I think sometimes people in meetings get frustrated if they don't know how to help. Depression could be a case where the folks AA are ill equipped to help with that specific problem.
Seek out an evaluation from a qualified mental health professional. There's a lot they can do to help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
I had a tough time too at six months. I was really down and feeling weird. It was hard but it made me realize I needed to stay sober so I could get better. Please keep going, you're doing really good getting this far. You're having a hard time ATM but at the same time you're kicking butt! Kudos, keep it up.
Congrats on six months clean and sober! 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Originally Posted by kiki1988 
I know I need therapy but I can't afford it 
Yes Dee, I'm still in Dubai.
Yes Dee, I'm still in Dubai.
There is some good advice here (I think) from AA folks - I hope something you may read here can help you
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Hi Kiki....
I can relate to some of what you're dealing with, and there are a few things that I've found to really be helpful;
1- intense exercise. I have found that the energy, anxiety, depression and inner voices all build up and overwhelm me quickly if I don't include regular, vigorous exercise in my life. AA is very helpful in my recovery - but it doesn't give me all I need to keep the joy and stability and balance in my life. I have to have endorphins and I have to have physical outlet for my stress. It's like a magic anti-depression, anti-anxiety drug.
2 - therapy. I have a lot of upwelling of emotion and a lot of stress and anxiety producing crap in my life and have always dealt with it through drugs and alcohol. Almost my whole life. So I'm finding I need to learn healthy ways to cope and I need to learn to recognize my own thoughts and learn to understand, accept and live with them. For me, regular therapy with a good counselor is my place to let out the troubling personal crap that I need to work on and grow through.... Whereas AA is more my place to focus on sharing my experience of recovery and learning from others. I find it helpful to separate these two. 'Remeber, we are not therapists and this is not a group therapy session...'
3 - meditation. I have begin really making an effort at this. I have been learning zazen but there are many different kinds. All my life I heard and knew and even at times tried a little, but now that I am REALLY doing it, I have found it very helpful in developing awareness of myself. It has also begun to help with compassion and self love. I cannot recommend meditation enough.
4 - higher power. You mention you don't 'have' one yet. I'm not sure I really 'have' one either. But what I do have is a general belief there is some power greater than me. An exercise that is helpful; go watch the sunrise. As the sun just begins to crest the horizon, with everything you've got - will it NOT to rise. Try this every morning for a month. If you can force the sun not to rise, congratulations! If however you cannot, then you have no other choice but to admit there is at least some power greater than yourself. You needn't understand it or even embrace it as God. Yet knowing from direct experience that there IS a power greater than you, you can then move on to a simple exercise; when you rise in the morning say 'please, help me today'. When you go to bed at night, say 'thank you for today'. This is all you need do to begin seeing a difference.
I hope something in all this is useful for you. These have been the key elements that have helped me through nearly eleven months of sobriety and continue to help me grow and learn ways of healthfully coping with depression, anxiety, fear, anger, self-worth issues and more.
All the best to you.
I can relate to some of what you're dealing with, and there are a few things that I've found to really be helpful;
1- intense exercise. I have found that the energy, anxiety, depression and inner voices all build up and overwhelm me quickly if I don't include regular, vigorous exercise in my life. AA is very helpful in my recovery - but it doesn't give me all I need to keep the joy and stability and balance in my life. I have to have endorphins and I have to have physical outlet for my stress. It's like a magic anti-depression, anti-anxiety drug.
2 - therapy. I have a lot of upwelling of emotion and a lot of stress and anxiety producing crap in my life and have always dealt with it through drugs and alcohol. Almost my whole life. So I'm finding I need to learn healthy ways to cope and I need to learn to recognize my own thoughts and learn to understand, accept and live with them. For me, regular therapy with a good counselor is my place to let out the troubling personal crap that I need to work on and grow through.... Whereas AA is more my place to focus on sharing my experience of recovery and learning from others. I find it helpful to separate these two. 'Remeber, we are not therapists and this is not a group therapy session...'
3 - meditation. I have begin really making an effort at this. I have been learning zazen but there are many different kinds. All my life I heard and knew and even at times tried a little, but now that I am REALLY doing it, I have found it very helpful in developing awareness of myself. It has also begun to help with compassion and self love. I cannot recommend meditation enough.
4 - higher power. You mention you don't 'have' one yet. I'm not sure I really 'have' one either. But what I do have is a general belief there is some power greater than me. An exercise that is helpful; go watch the sunrise. As the sun just begins to crest the horizon, with everything you've got - will it NOT to rise. Try this every morning for a month. If you can force the sun not to rise, congratulations! If however you cannot, then you have no other choice but to admit there is at least some power greater than yourself. You needn't understand it or even embrace it as God. Yet knowing from direct experience that there IS a power greater than you, you can then move on to a simple exercise; when you rise in the morning say 'please, help me today'. When you go to bed at night, say 'thank you for today'. This is all you need do to begin seeing a difference.
I hope something in all this is useful for you. These have been the key elements that have helped me through nearly eleven months of sobriety and continue to help me grow and learn ways of healthfully coping with depression, anxiety, fear, anger, self-worth issues and more.
All the best to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Kiki, I'm sorry you're going through this. Gender-specific meetings can be good for "getting it all out". If you are at step 10 and deityless then maybe a short breathe meditation in the morning could help. Also, just cutting my caffeine down has helped me in the past month. Now that we're sober a bit and CAN feel I think we get cues to other imbalances, nutritional or emotional. You will find the answer if you stay sober. It's growth. Congrats on 8 months alcohol-free and 6 months pot-free. You're a winner!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 64
kiki --
thank you so much for posting. i have felt, and still sometimes feel, almost exactly as you described. I have done so many of the things you reported -- crying in meetings, doing ok for a few weeks and then feeling terrible, feeling alienated from AA in general. it always helps to know that other people can relate to your feelings, and so i am really grateful that you posted. i know that we are in this together.
a few things come to mind. the first and most important one is that i want to share a message of hope. things really, really do get better. most of us are basically learning how to survive in the world without the help of substances to detach us from reality. that takes some doing. i would estimate that it took me 18 months in AA before I started to feel like the pieces were coming together. before that time came, I very nearly fell out -- stopped going to meetings, stopped working a program. i am thoroughly grateful that i stuck around, because the miracle really does happen. things really do get better.
another thing to remember is that people in AA are struggling people, just like us. they have off days, they mess up. don't give them too much power to affect you. take what works for you and leave the rest. in one of my first meetings I heard someone say that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. your anger at people in your home group, while understandable, is dangerous because it threatens your sobriety. root it out! do a mini-inventory about it. get rid of it. you are not bad or wrong because you feel unwell. these feelings come and go. just don't let them get the better of you.
finally, about a higher power. how many times have you found yourself upset about some idea or situation which never comes to pass? i often am worried about things that ultimately turn out fine; or i regret some action which, months later, i have forgotten about completely. it was of no consequence. when i buy into these fear-based illusions, i am putting my faith into them. i can choose instead to put my faith into a power greater than myself -- the same power, for example, which allowed me to stop drinking after multiple failed attempts.
FreeOwl's perspective is another useful tool. there are countless ways of approaching this issue. the main thing is that, if you become willing to let down your guard a little bit, you might find that you get a tremendous amount of relief from reliance on a higher power.
finally -- have you considered Skype online AA meetings? many great people and great meetings around. reply to this thread or in a PM if you are interested and need help/more information getting connected.
all the best to you. don't pick up that first drink!!!
thank you so much for posting. i have felt, and still sometimes feel, almost exactly as you described. I have done so many of the things you reported -- crying in meetings, doing ok for a few weeks and then feeling terrible, feeling alienated from AA in general. it always helps to know that other people can relate to your feelings, and so i am really grateful that you posted. i know that we are in this together.
a few things come to mind. the first and most important one is that i want to share a message of hope. things really, really do get better. most of us are basically learning how to survive in the world without the help of substances to detach us from reality. that takes some doing. i would estimate that it took me 18 months in AA before I started to feel like the pieces were coming together. before that time came, I very nearly fell out -- stopped going to meetings, stopped working a program. i am thoroughly grateful that i stuck around, because the miracle really does happen. things really do get better.
another thing to remember is that people in AA are struggling people, just like us. they have off days, they mess up. don't give them too much power to affect you. take what works for you and leave the rest. in one of my first meetings I heard someone say that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. your anger at people in your home group, while understandable, is dangerous because it threatens your sobriety. root it out! do a mini-inventory about it. get rid of it. you are not bad or wrong because you feel unwell. these feelings come and go. just don't let them get the better of you.
finally, about a higher power. how many times have you found yourself upset about some idea or situation which never comes to pass? i often am worried about things that ultimately turn out fine; or i regret some action which, months later, i have forgotten about completely. it was of no consequence. when i buy into these fear-based illusions, i am putting my faith into them. i can choose instead to put my faith into a power greater than myself -- the same power, for example, which allowed me to stop drinking after multiple failed attempts.
FreeOwl's perspective is another useful tool. there are countless ways of approaching this issue. the main thing is that, if you become willing to let down your guard a little bit, you might find that you get a tremendous amount of relief from reliance on a higher power.
finally -- have you considered Skype online AA meetings? many great people and great meetings around. reply to this thread or in a PM if you are interested and need help/more information getting connected.
all the best to you. don't pick up that first drink!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
The people in AA are not professionals-they are just people who are battling alcohol. Sounds like you need to see a professional for depression. I know you say you can't afford it but as someone else suggested, maybe a primary care physician?
If you just need to let it all out, you can do that here with us.
If you just need to let it all out, you can do that here with us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Yer at step 10 yet don't have a HP or pray.......
Hhhmmmmm......
Maybe a problem there???
But even the BB says AA isn't a cure all. Look at the misery is an option thing you've heard...... There is the option of getting the outside help. Since you Can't afford f2f look online for it. Be willing to go to any lengths to find the help.
Drinking didn't help ya before and it won't help now. Why drink a depressant to help with depression?
Hhhmmmmm......
Maybe a problem there???
But even the BB says AA isn't a cure all. Look at the misery is an option thing you've heard...... There is the option of getting the outside help. Since you Can't afford f2f look online for it. Be willing to go to any lengths to find the help.
Drinking didn't help ya before and it won't help now. Why drink a depressant to help with depression?
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