ArtFriend

I am done with this thread.

sprout50

Artfriend, first, I am sorry that you are drinking again. Next, I don't think Heartcore is trying to be mean or judgemental. You have relapsed again (alot of people here seem to keep relapsing-?) and saying the same things to you is not going to help. Getting sober is tough. It's hardwork and requires that we look at ourselves and listen to others even when it is uncomfortable. And if someone says something that may seem harsh, it is because they care and have been where you are.

ScottFromWI

Can I ask why? For the most part it's full of support and caring responses. It contains a lot of good suggestions as well.

ArtFriend

I have read everything and there is nothing more to read.

snowbunting

All sorts of things, and lots of semi-embarrassing things that take me back to my childhood, but that I wouldn't be caught listening to by the cool kids (Moon River, the odd Disney song, a church hymn despite being an atheist) The premise of The Comforter is that any song or piece of music can be included as long as it is a) relaxing, and b) takes me to a happy place. A lot of them are associated with good memories, or certain parts of my life when I was happy, and there are a few classical pieces and medieval carols in there too that send me off to Neverland. I think everyone should have their own custom-made Comforter playlist

(Artfriend, hope you don't mind me prolonging this thread to answer that ^^^ You're brave to reach out and be honest, and I admire that. I know you can do this )

SoberLeigh

Funny thing, snowbunting. I went to a wedding last weekend. The RSVP card asked for song 'requests' to be played at the reception; I requested Moon River - it is such a beautiful waltz song; I also requested Annie's Song - beautiful song for a Viennese Waltz. Neither were played - so baffling, what 29 year olds wouldn't want those songs played at their reception!?

(Sorry to highjack your thread, ArtFriend).

ArtFriend

Thank you snowbunting. I appreciate the vote of confidence!

Now I really need to do some yoga in my bathtub with a big bath bomb!

SoberLeigh

That sounds like fun, ArtFriend,although I haven't googled bath bomb yet

snowbunting

Well this 29 year old would love that! When I got married, the songs I picked were all from the 1930s - 1950s. Good taste is something you're just born with - it can't be taught

That's the spirit - but mind you don't slip, yoga in the bath sounds terrifying

ArtFriend

Snowbunting recommended Lush brand bath bomb. It's da bomb!

SoberLeigh

I bet that was a wonderful reception, snowbunting. When I perfect time travel, I am going to go back and visit your wedding reception.

snowbunting

Ha ha, only if I can come SoberLeigh! I'd quite like to repeat the whole thing, sober this time...

SoberLeigh

It's a date, snowbunting.

Nuudawn

This really stood out for me. One of the things that seem to be at issue for me lately..is codependency...my own...and others. Assuming and concluding the thoughts of others is a big one. We must unhook ourselves from that and do what we must and allow others to respond for themselves rather than us working it out in our heads.

They say that at the heart of every addict is codependency. I found the following of interest as I think it rings a bell for me in every category.

Stay with us Artfriend. You are needed here.

• Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.

• People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

• Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body,money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

• Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

• Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.

• Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.

• Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

• Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.

• Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

• Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

• Problems with intimacy. By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

• Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

Anna

Please remember to use Ignore if you are upset by someone's posts.

Dee74

For me a plan was pretty simple.

Two main foci -

I made sure I had support and that I used it effectively - before I drank.

I also made changes - not only to my lifestyle but also to the way I reacted to things.

I wore my heart on my sleeve, and I had a strong sense of responsibility.
Put those two together and you have a 'perfect storm' for stress.

By the end anything could be a trigger for me - a newspaper article, a child crying at the local shops, someone being unfair to me, aches and pains...

If your life is stressful, yet you have an innate belief that stress is something you can't handle, or something that you feel will bring great pain...and the only tool you have for coping with that is drinking...

there's a certain inevitability there.

I had to find more tools, more strategies for my sober life.

Without that commitment and effort to change, and the willingness to shoulder a little discomfort initially, I just kept going round in circles.

For what it's worth I think you've gotten a lot of good advice in this thread AF, even the posts you didn't like.

D

ArtFriend

I will take it all under advisement and get back to you all. Probably will take a break here. Thanks

Dee74

It would be a shame if you did that.

I try to look at it this way - everyone here who took time out to post to you wants to see you beat this.

You don't need to like all the advice, or even the way it's presented, but people really do care AF

D

ArtFriend

Come on Dee - don't pull the guilt card. I get that people on this thread have helped and some have not. It is my prerogative to accept or reject based on my own reasoning. I don't really care to be told that I should accept all the advice just because people provided it. It is a bit patronizing. I get to choose what I accept and what I don't.

Dee74

Are you for real?

I'm not pulling any guilt card or being patronising. I really believe what I said.
Do whatever you feel you must AF.

D