Ok, time for honesty
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Ok, time for honesty
Hello everyone,
As always, sobriety slaps are ok. I am bashing myself hard enough, I can take a few more.
Well I relapsed again. I met a girl and fell in love. But I realize I was not ready with only a few weeks, days of sobriety. She supported me, even joined SR.
But the sad fact is that I am not ready for a relationship. My plans keep crashing. Why? Because I don't put everything I have in my recovery. I expect a quick healing, I want this resolved fast, I am a child in a man body, I desperately want to be normal.
But I am not normal, I am an Alcoholic. Having tried, AA, AVRT, Urge Surfing, outpatient I realize that the problem is me. I refuse to give in, to let go,my stubbornness will end up killing me.
As for my plan, I need to stop trying to control my recovery and everything in the universe. I need to walk the talk and stop wanting to die. Because deep inside I wish I died. For I am not a coward, I must push trough.
Bashing allowed, The thought love might help.
As always, sobriety slaps are ok. I am bashing myself hard enough, I can take a few more.
Well I relapsed again. I met a girl and fell in love. But I realize I was not ready with only a few weeks, days of sobriety. She supported me, even joined SR.
But the sad fact is that I am not ready for a relationship. My plans keep crashing. Why? Because I don't put everything I have in my recovery. I expect a quick healing, I want this resolved fast, I am a child in a man body, I desperately want to be normal.
But I am not normal, I am an Alcoholic. Having tried, AA, AVRT, Urge Surfing, outpatient I realize that the problem is me. I refuse to give in, to let go,my stubbornness will end up killing me.
As for my plan, I need to stop trying to control my recovery and everything in the universe. I need to walk the talk and stop wanting to die. Because deep inside I wish I died. For I am not a coward, I must push trough.
Bashing allowed, The thought love might help.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
No bashing from me.
You just got to find your mojo. It's there.
Also a lot of us need to get rid of this idea that we are not normal. We are normal people. We just can't drink. There is nothing abnormal about that.
You just got to find your mojo. It's there.
Also a lot of us need to get rid of this idea that we are not normal. We are normal people. We just can't drink. There is nothing abnormal about that.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
No bashing from me either 
You clearly have the wherewithal to be sober, for good.
you have to stop listening to that implusive, persuasive voice that tells you maybe this time it'll be different, cos it never will be, Pat.
D
You clearly have the wherewithal to be sober, for good.
you have to stop listening to that implusive, persuasive voice that tells you maybe this time it'll be different, cos it never will be, Pat.
D
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
For a long time living sober wasn't good enough for me. I wanted to be the guy that could go from being an alcoholic to being a normal drinker. Maybe one in 10 million people can do that, and I wanted to be that guy.
That unrealistic goal led to a lot of disappointment. Not just me, but it also led to disappointed feelings about me in the people I love.
I am not that 1 in 10 million guy. And sober living is grand.
You can do this.
That unrealistic goal led to a lot of disappointment. Not just me, but it also led to disappointed feelings about me in the people I love.
I am not that 1 in 10 million guy. And sober living is grand.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Engerland
Posts: 897
No bashing.
No judgement.
You have the answers.
Sobriety first. Before 'normal' , girls, money the lot.
I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC EITHER.
I am and that is that. Now do I continue to strive to be like other people or do I accept what I am and embrace a solution with all the earnestness of a dying man.
The time will come for all of the other stuff.
I have proved to myself that if I put other things before my sobriety I lose them....
I am so rootin' for you.
G
No judgement.
You have the answers.
Sobriety first. Before 'normal' , girls, money the lot.
I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC EITHER.
I am and that is that. Now do I continue to strive to be like other people or do I accept what I am and embrace a solution with all the earnestness of a dying man.
The time will come for all of the other stuff.
I have proved to myself that if I put other things before my sobriety I lose them....
I am so rootin' for you.
G
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Dee's right Thepatman, it is one step at a time.
Stop wanting to be "normal" because if by normal you mean being able to drink moderately and without concentration on the alcohol, well, it simply ain't gonna happen.
I think you have defined your own problem -- you refuse to give in, you think that at some point you can control this. You can't. I can't. Dee can't. Most SR members can't. What we can do is "take alcohol off the table" and walk away from it one day at a time without looking back.
That's it.
Stop wanting to be "normal" because if by normal you mean being able to drink moderately and without concentration on the alcohol, well, it simply ain't gonna happen.
I think you have defined your own problem -- you refuse to give in, you think that at some point you can control this. You can't. I can't. Dee can't. Most SR members can't. What we can do is "take alcohol off the table" and walk away from it one day at a time without looking back.
That's it.
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Hey Sir. Hmmm.... I heard a few things that sounded an aweful lot like what I was doing.
I wanted to rush to the solution. I could list the "programs" or " methods" I said I used to get or stay sober. I blamed myself for some mysterious flaw.
I was also saying to myself I will never give up. And I did not. And I will not. Ever. Just like you... we can't.
I like your plan. I am finding a bit of a loser grip of death on everything is yielding some sanity for me. And with that sanity I am finding strength.
I stopped asking for things and started doing things.
We have been part of this community together now two years. We have both fallen and gotten up many many times. I have been sober for some time now and don't feel stressed by being sober like I once did. Maybe that's because I left everything behind me and started over completly. I have sat still for a year now focusing on nothing more than learning to live sober. Now I am getting ready to venture out and rediscover.
I can so relate to being a boy in a man's body. Lol I feel that a lot. But I was always and angry young man. This last year I have really let a lot go. I am starting to feel like the quality of being a boy in a man's body is a plus as long as I love myself. It makes me kinder and more inviting for people to be around. Don't lose that... Or at least don't focus on it for now.
Stop the bashing. There is not a price we must pay per mistake. Leave the burden of the lesson and take the strength. That lesson is done. On to the next. There is always a next and if we drag them around we get bogged down.
Put down the stick you're using to bash and go look at yourself in the mirror and say what you do like.
All my best my friend! You will be just fine. Keep going.
Ken
I wanted to rush to the solution. I could list the "programs" or " methods" I said I used to get or stay sober. I blamed myself for some mysterious flaw.
I was also saying to myself I will never give up. And I did not. And I will not. Ever. Just like you... we can't.
I like your plan. I am finding a bit of a loser grip of death on everything is yielding some sanity for me. And with that sanity I am finding strength.
I stopped asking for things and started doing things.
We have been part of this community together now two years. We have both fallen and gotten up many many times. I have been sober for some time now and don't feel stressed by being sober like I once did. Maybe that's because I left everything behind me and started over completly. I have sat still for a year now focusing on nothing more than learning to live sober. Now I am getting ready to venture out and rediscover.
I can so relate to being a boy in a man's body. Lol I feel that a lot. But I was always and angry young man. This last year I have really let a lot go. I am starting to feel like the quality of being a boy in a man's body is a plus as long as I love myself. It makes me kinder and more inviting for people to be around. Don't lose that... Or at least don't focus on it for now.
Stop the bashing. There is not a price we must pay per mistake. Leave the burden of the lesson and take the strength. That lesson is done. On to the next. There is always a next and if we drag them around we get bogged down.
Put down the stick you're using to bash and go look at yourself in the mirror and say what you do like.
All my best my friend! You will be just fine. Keep going.
Ken
Just kidding 
Today is a good day. Great to have you back in these parts. 
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Thepatman 
I refuse to give in, to let go,my stubbornness will end up killing me.
As for my plan, I need to stop trying to control my recovery and everything in the universe. I need to walk the talk and stop wanting to die. Because deep inside I wish I died. For I am not a coward, I must push trough.
.
As for my plan, I need to stop trying to control my recovery and everything in the universe. I need to walk the talk and stop wanting to die. Because deep inside I wish I died. For I am not a coward, I must push trough.
.
For me, I FINALLY got the whole "powerlessness" thing when I realized how little control over anything I really have. I have no control over alcohol...or other people and what they do or feel of if they stay or go...
Ya..I cried big tears...big releasing tears.
No bashing...just love my friend.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I’m not intending to bash you however we as alcoholics have common characteristics that I didn’t like when I heard them when I came around some years ago.
I already thought I was honest, but wasn’t about my drinking, wouldn’t think I was undisciplined like a 10 year old but eventually saw the truth, tomorrow is too long a time period and on and on, fill in the many blanks.
Today after many thousands of sober meetings behind me I rely mostly on what the old timers said when I arrived. Those blanking banners hanging on the walls of AA meeting halls were designed for me to this day.
After years of WORK AND CHANGES life is far beyond happy and comfortable most days as perfection comes when I’m looking up at the grass roots.
The journey started the day I did get honest about my drinking AND accepted the fact that I can no longer drink in safety. It’s that simple!
Then the work started inch by inch and continues whether I like it or not, because I don’t suffer well.
BE WELL
I’m not intending to bash you however we as alcoholics have common characteristics that I didn’t like when I heard them when I came around some years ago.
I already thought I was honest, but wasn’t about my drinking, wouldn’t think I was undisciplined like a 10 year old but eventually saw the truth, tomorrow is too long a time period and on and on, fill in the many blanks.
Today after many thousands of sober meetings behind me I rely mostly on what the old timers said when I arrived. Those blanking banners hanging on the walls of AA meeting halls were designed for me to this day.
After years of WORK AND CHANGES life is far beyond happy and comfortable most days as perfection comes when I’m looking up at the grass roots.
The journey started the day I did get honest about my drinking AND accepted the fact that I can no longer drink in safety. It’s that simple!
Then the work started inch by inch and continues whether I like it or not, because I don’t suffer well.
BE WELL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Thank you everyone, you lift me up and I appreciate everyone, my SR family.
I will now face detox and withdrawal. Following doctor recommendations.
But I need a little boost, music always makes me move forward.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mYMiEU0vKIM
I will now face detox and withdrawal. Following doctor recommendations.
But I need a little boost, music always makes me move forward.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mYMiEU0vKIM
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Pat, I know for sure that you can do this. I'm not about to bash you, either. You are back here, working on recovery and that's such a good thing. Pay close attention to what caused you to drink this time, and try to find a way to avoid that. I KNOW how hard it is to be patient in early recovery. For me, it felt like a physical pain at times. But, it's part of the process and you can get through it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
I always enjoyed that particular video Pat.
What? Am I the only one going to bash you? DUDE!
okay, bashing over. Just want to say one thing based on your OP. You use the word try a lot. Replace t-r-y with D-O. There is a difference between trying and doing. And I know you can do it! You mentioned "outside distractions" and that you are not ready. Okay. Time to put 100% effort into ThePatMan.
What? Am I the only one going to bash you? DUDE!
okay, bashing over. Just want to say one thing based on your OP. You use the word try a lot. Replace t-r-y with D-O. There is a difference between trying and doing. And I know you can do it! You mentioned "outside distractions" and that you are not ready. Okay. Time to put 100% effort into ThePatMan.
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