Fault or Not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Iowa
Posts: 5
Fault or Not?
Where do people land on the "It isn't my fault that I can't handle drinking" v. "I have no one to blame but myself for where I am" issue?
I guess the two positions are not mutually exclusive. I've always blamed myself, and have been very ashamed and filled with self-hate. I spoke with my sister the other night, and she kept saying that my problem with alcohol is not something I can help. Part of that rings true for me -- people make the diabetes analogy a lot, and I'm starting to think its a fair comparison. Some people are born with diabetes, and they have absolutely no say in that matter. But what they do is go to the doctor, manage their diet, and plan their life in a way to manage their disease. They make choices in response to something that is threatening their life. I'm just thinking out loud.
I guess the two positions are not mutually exclusive. I've always blamed myself, and have been very ashamed and filled with self-hate. I spoke with my sister the other night, and she kept saying that my problem with alcohol is not something I can help. Part of that rings true for me -- people make the diabetes analogy a lot, and I'm starting to think its a fair comparison. Some people are born with diabetes, and they have absolutely no say in that matter. But what they do is go to the doctor, manage their diet, and plan their life in a way to manage their disease. They make choices in response to something that is threatening their life. I'm just thinking out loud.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I think this is one area where your ideas may change over time.
I definitely developed a maladaptive way of dealing with my life and its problems.
The extent to which that was nature vs nuture, or genetics versus learned behaviour, has been debated here before
I'm not gonna go there It didn't help me get or stay sober.
For the sake of simplicity, I'll just say it may not be my fault I became an alcoholic...but it would be my fault if I did nothing about it....?
I definitely think you have to cultivate a sense of responsibility.
D
I definitely developed a maladaptive way of dealing with my life and its problems.
The extent to which that was nature vs nuture, or genetics versus learned behaviour, has been debated here before
I'm not gonna go there
It didn't help me get or stay sober.For the sake of simplicity, I'll just say it may not be my fault I became an alcoholic...but it would be my fault if I did nothing about it....?
I definitely think you have to cultivate a sense of responsibility.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Johannesburg
Posts: 203
It isn't my fault I am alcoholic but I am not a victim of it either. I may not have chosen to have the disease but I chose to keep drinking even when I knew I shouldn't. I don't beat myself up about it; I have to accept the consequences of my choices and keep working on doing better.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
I think Dee is right in saying that probably your views on this will change over time.
As soon as I took responsibility for my drinking and stopped, I felt better about myself. I don't think the ins and outs of it matter to me at the moment -I'm just concentrating on building a sober life at the moment.
No use beating yourself up, start from now, that's all you've got.
As soon as I took responsibility for my drinking and stopped, I felt better about myself. I don't think the ins and outs of it matter to me at the moment -I'm just concentrating on building a sober life at the moment.
No use beating yourself up, start from now, that's all you've got.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I come from an alcoholic family and i dont blame anyone but myself for my drinking
i could use/say a lot of things but the penny drop moment is that i chose to drink i wasnt being frogmarched no one had a gun at my head it was my choices and i was at fault every single time
maybe my views will change over time but right now my drinking was all me
i could use/say a lot of things but the penny drop moment is that i chose to drink i wasnt being frogmarched no one had a gun at my head it was my choices and i was at fault every single time
maybe my views will change over time but right now my drinking was all me
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
My late father could drink one, my late brother could drink one. My 88 year old mother can enjoy a sherry and/or a glass of wine and be done. The genes were in my favour. The trouble is I am never done once the bottle is open.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Very natural question......Still hops around sometimes in my bean. If I blame/feel guilt - it's all on me this is not constructive.
If I shrug it off and say I can't help it, this too isn't productive.
When I quit drinking I had reached the point of = can't live with alcohol or without it.
Today, I have repented and God has forgiven me......That's all I need to remember. As time passes and I see the light return in loved ones eyes, it matters less about the WHY and becomes more about WHY NOT JUST STAY SOBER!!!
It's a good topic, thanks for sharing it
FlyN
If I shrug it off and say I can't help it, this too isn't productive.
When I quit drinking I had reached the point of = can't live with alcohol or without it.
Today, I have repented and God has forgiven me......That's all I need to remember. As time passes and I see the light return in loved ones eyes, it matters less about the WHY and becomes more about WHY NOT JUST STAY SOBER!!!
It's a good topic, thanks for sharing it
FlyN
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I've rarely lost anything of value when I've taken responsibility for my actions, no matter the putative cause or nature of my actions, but I have lost everything when I've blamed people and circumstances for what I've said and done, or worse, for who I am.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by ElDangeroso 
I spoke with my sister the other night, and she kept saying that my problem with alcohol is not something I can help.
but, I think that we also played our part
trying to think -- who poured the liquid devil down my throat ??
everytime that I look into the mirror the only one that I see is me..
MM
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Welcome, ElDangeroso, to SR.
I come from a family of alcoholics. Genetics, familial predisposition, disease - it doesn't really matter to me when it comes "to me" (yes, it concerns me when I think of my children, grandchildren but I have to accept that my alcoholism is what it is and put fault and blame aside).
For me, acceptance that I was incapable of moderation and that drinking had nothing of value to offer me was key; abstinence and recovery followed. Fault, cause and blame became moot issues.
Glad you found SR, ElDangeroso. Nice to meet you.
I come from a family of alcoholics. Genetics, familial predisposition, disease - it doesn't really matter to me when it comes "to me" (yes, it concerns me when I think of my children, grandchildren but I have to accept that my alcoholism is what it is and put fault and blame aside).
For me, acceptance that I was incapable of moderation and that drinking had nothing of value to offer me was key; abstinence and recovery followed. Fault, cause and blame became moot issues.
Glad you found SR, ElDangeroso. Nice to meet you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Nature may load the gun but the environment pulls the trigger.
I come from a family of addicts on both sides. So I know my gun was loaded. But I chose to drink and pull that trigger. MY CHOICE. All I can say is had I known the extent to which my addiction would become, I never would have picked up that first drink. 20-20 hindsight. My alcoholic brother blames everything and everyone else. I am recovery and he is not.
I come from a family of addicts on both sides. So I know my gun was loaded. But I chose to drink and pull that trigger. MY CHOICE. All I can say is had I known the extent to which my addiction would become, I never would have picked up that first drink. 20-20 hindsight. My alcoholic brother blames everything and everyone else. I am recovery and he is not.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Welcome to SR
My opinion is that addressing these "why" type questions about the origin of our affliction is pretty unhelpful, especially because we can never really know the causes fully. And blaming is even worse as it only bears resentments that cannot really be resolved easily. I think "how" is a better question. The person with diabetes knows what he's dealing with - the question is how to manage it best and to live a good life with it, like you also pointed out. I think a very similar approach and thinking can be applied to addiction. We know that we have it, so how to deal with it in the most constructive way?
I think that if we take responsibility for our life and actions, this kind of attitude will also change our relationships with others with time. Of course it's never a straight and easy ride, we make mistakes, etc. But dwelling on anything too much rarely helps. Learning from our mistakes, and if possible also from others' experiences, and constructive action help.
My opinion is that addressing these "why" type questions about the origin of our affliction is pretty unhelpful, especially because we can never really know the causes fully. And blaming is even worse as it only bears resentments that cannot really be resolved easily. I think "how" is a better question. The person with diabetes knows what he's dealing with - the question is how to manage it best and to live a good life with it, like you also pointed out. I think a very similar approach and thinking can be applied to addiction. We know that we have it, so how to deal with it in the most constructive way?
I think that if we take responsibility for our life and actions, this kind of attitude will also change our relationships with others with time. Of course it's never a straight and easy ride, we make mistakes, etc. But dwelling on anything too much rarely helps. Learning from our mistakes, and if possible also from others' experiences, and constructive action help.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Dee74
I definitely think you have to cultivate a sense of responsibility.
Not so long ago I had a "hair disaster" at the salon. Bear with me here. I was going through a very hard time anyway and this was just insult to injury. My stylist, in my mind, was wasting precious time and energy trying to find what went wrong...something to blame..
I DIDN'T CARE WHY OR HOW OR WHAT..
The ONLY thing important to me was "HOW DO WE FIX THIS...What's the solution???"
Blame feeds shame...so well, don't go there.
You are the one to fix this..so go ahead and figure out how to do that.
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