mns1

Hello,

I have read these forums off and on for a while now and finally decided to summon the courage to join and become a part of them! I am 28 years old and I've had issues with alcohol for several years now. Those issues have mostly been characterized by me drinking myself to sleep most nights. I don't usually black out. The next morning I can usually remember exactly what I was doing before going to bed. But I get good and drunk. I am not physically dependent. I do not experience withdrawal symptoms. It seems to be all in my head. It is an off-and-on problem and I feel like I am just now beginning to understand why I do it.

After struggling with this problem for nearly two years, I somehow managed to just stop one day a little over two years ago. Seven months went by and I did not touch alcohol. I would get urges here and there, but I was easily able to resist them. I nonetheless felt like something was bottling up inside me, waiting to explode. Then one day, after enduring a very stressful situation, I started again. I drank most nights for a few months straight, then stopped for another six or seven months. I have basically repeated this process for the last couple of years.

I recently had another one of my relapses. And this time I really decided to start looking for real solutions and finding out what is wrong with me. What was this awful feeling I felt inside? So I came across the book Why You Drink and How to Stop: Journey to Freedom by Veronica Valli and I immediately identified with it. It made perfect sense.

I drink because of fear. I am scared of everything. Scared of people. I worry about my future. I am trying to start a career as a fitness professional and I am terrified of both failure and success. I worry about my health (I've had a chronic illness for nine years). Everything scares me and alcohol obviously is the easy way to deal with those feelings. But I'm tired of taking the easy way. I want to get my story out and start taking on life rather than hiding from it.

Sorry my post is so long!!!

Soberwolf

Really nice to meet you mns1 welcome to the forum

totfit

I think we "all" have issues with fear. I firmly believe it part of the human condition. Even our irrational fear manifest themselves because of our ability to "overthink". Through a looonnng trek, I have found that we can go one of two ways: We can ignore the fears and find something else to obsess on or generally begin to face them and with time find most of them dissolve away. At 28 I hope you start the latter path as you will find life much easier to deal with once these fears dissolve. The thing about alcohol is that while it may remove the fears for a moment in time, over the long haul it magnifies them exponentially. Running and thinking has been a big help to me. I seem to be able to see things a bit clearly, find a direction and head that way. The things I fear the most on a daily basis are the things I try and do or face first. Getting that out of the way makes the day go by much better and also I find the vast majority of the time, that the "though of" was so much worse than the "event".

Anna

Your post is not long, but it's very insightful. Many of us think that alcohol is the problem. It is a problem and we do need to stop drinking, but it's the underlying issues that we need to deal with in order to recover. I'm glad you posted.

mns1

Thank you guys for responding. I'm on my lunch break and I must say I already feel better having unloaded my mind on here. I even feel less stressed at work today, not constantly checking the time. Many of my friends know that I have had excessive alcohol consumption issues in the past, but no one knows about the night drinking, let alone what is going on inside my head. Hopefully relieved feeling carries into tonight.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

Dee74

I was terrified too mns - terrified of drinking moire, terrified of reality, terrified of not being able to beat this and terrified that maybe I could...

You're in great company here - welcome

D

LBrain

keep posting mns1 - get it out and let it out. The more you talk about it the more you see it too. Glad you are here. Hope you are ready to look at life differently. Fear can be a terrible motivator. I've lived in fear for a long time myself. Now I am able to accept that I am not in control of everything. And sometimes things don't go my way. I adapt and make it work for me even if it's just a feeling of comfort. We are just specks in the universe. But we do count.

nogard

Welcome mns1, thank you for your post and congrats on getting here and finding your voice

least

Welcome to the family. You've come to a very good place for support.

Nuudawn

Great post. I'm so glad you have decided to start showing up and telling your story. It's how we connect really. Keep showing up okay.

mns1

Thank you everyone for the kind and encouraging words! This being my first day as a member of these forums, I have probably done more reading on here than I ever have, and it really is a great place.

This is also the first day I've ever really vented my issue and I have already noticed the benefits throughout the day in terms of how I feel. And who knows? Maybe I'll drink tonight, maybe I won't. But I now feel like my mind is in a better position to take this on now that I've gotten it off my chest.

I will definitely continue reading and posting on here as much as I can.

Hevyn

Glad to meet you mns. You're definitely in the right place. I felt much less anxious when I came here and found so many friends who understood.

JanieJ

Hi, Msn

Glad you're feeling better after talking about it.

There's so much support here, and pretty much every human emotion is talked about !

Good to have you with us.