I'm so sorry...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Welcome back, Serenidad; thanks for your honesty and the courage it took to set the record straight.
You achieved 5.5 sober years - fantastic accomplishment; you can do that again and beyond.
Onward, Serenidad. You are among friends.
You achieved 5.5 sober years - fantastic accomplishment; you can do that again and beyond.
Onward, Serenidad. You are among friends.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
On cravings. I had insane ones, too, during the first few months of my sobriety. I did a lot of work on trying to figure out my triggers, and it helped some, but many were totally random and could hit literally anytime during the day or night. For me, the truth was that most of the time when I tried to simply "surf" these urges, talk myself out of them, or simply just try to let others talk me out of them with rational arguments, it helped a little... but only a little. I believe that the strong cravings in early sobriety are basically physiological in nature, so it can be hard to make them go away with mental exercises only. I also tried to get into reading and watching about other people's stories, but often these would make it worse for me, full of additional triggers. I remember, for example, I was watching the movie Flight (not for the first time!) one evening during my first month, and some scenes in it induced such a monster craving that I had to stop and get out of the house for a long walk.
So for me physical things were the most helpful. Eating, exercising. Active distractions. And like we often say here, introducing many different ways of doing things.
After >9 months, I still find myself falling into obsessions somewhat. I've learned that when I recognize this, the best course of action is, again, an active change. For example, I even find myself getting obsessed with certain ways of using SR at times, like focusing on and communicating too much with the same people or about the same topics. This has nothing to do with SR's nature, and all with my nature. So I've learned to STOP these processes (at least for a while) when I recognize they are becoming a matrix for self-sabotaging.
Sounds like you enjoy AA meetings - so go as often as you can, but I would also experiment with brand new activities.
As I said, I really feel for you re: cravings... I seriously thought sometimes that if they don't dissipate soon, I won't be able to take more... but they did, and I think we can indeed take much more than we would imagine
So for me physical things were the most helpful. Eating, exercising. Active distractions. And like we often say here, introducing many different ways of doing things.
After >9 months, I still find myself falling into obsessions somewhat. I've learned that when I recognize this, the best course of action is, again, an active change. For example, I even find myself getting obsessed with certain ways of using SR at times, like focusing on and communicating too much with the same people or about the same topics. This has nothing to do with SR's nature, and all with my nature. So I've learned to STOP these processes (at least for a while) when I recognize they are becoming a matrix for self-sabotaging.
Sounds like you enjoy AA meetings - so go as often as you can, but I would also experiment with brand new activities.
As I said, I really feel for you re: cravings... I seriously thought sometimes that if they don't dissipate soon, I won't be able to take more... but they did, and I think we can indeed take much more than we would imagine
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Thanks for posting that haennie. I struggle with the "urge surfing" concept too. And I too have found the best way for me to deal with cravings is to be physically active. I even starting painting my spare bedroom just to be moving. It is good to know that others feel the same way.
What do you mean by the phrase "becoming a matrix for self-sabotaging"?
What do you mean by the phrase "becoming a matrix for self-sabotaging"?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by ArtFriend 
Thanks for posting that haennie. I struggle with the "urge surfing" concept too. And I too have found the best way for me to deal with cravings is to be physically active. I even starting painting my spare bedroom just to be moving. It is good to know that others feel the same way.
What do you mean by the phrase "becoming a matrix for self-sabotaging"?
What do you mean by the phrase "becoming a matrix for self-sabotaging"?
I hope it's helped clarify.
The "urge surfing" kind of technique started working for me much better after a time, when the urges became much less intense.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by haennie
I mean that obsessive tendencies (many different kinds) are in my core self... I often find myself intensely hooked on just about anything that grabs my interest. This intense focus can be beneficial when it's still relatively balanced. Eg. this is why SR has worked for me so well in getting sober. But sometimes I don't even recognize at first, and the intense curiosity and focus can become too much, such that I find myself getting back to the same things over and over, checking out even just to distract myself from what I really should do, and a mental obsession wanting to see and know as much as I can about a topic, a person, a place, aspects of myself... anything that attracts me and seems interesting. So it can become self-sabotaging because it keeps me from dealing with many other important things, and I start to also feel emotionally the negative effects of the obsession. And in my history, these obsessive thoughts and activities often got linked, so one can trigger the other. This is when I usually know when it's time to stop in order to keep myself from self-sabotaging, staying hooked on the same thing excessively. But the most effective way of dealing with this, for me, is not controlling and fighting it. That just brings misery usually. It's introducing variety, and making sure I mix up my interests and activities every now and then.
I hope it's helped clarify.
The "urge surfing" kind of technique started working for me much better after a time, when the urges became much less intense.
I hope it's helped clarify.
The "urge surfing" kind of technique started working for me much better after a time, when the urges became much less intense.
^^This is one of the most insightful posts on addiction that I've read in a while. Haennie, do you type 100 WPM? Because I can have these thoughts but they are so fast I can't type them quickly enough. Maybe it's my lack of focus, but by the time I start typing my brain has already gone on ahead.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by biminiblue
^^This is one of the most insightful posts on addiction that I've read in a while. Haennie, do you type 100 WPM? Because I can have these thoughts but they are so fast I can't type them quickly enough. Maybe it's my lack of focus, but by the time I start typing my brain has already gone on ahead.
I do type pretty fast, but I also know what you mean, I think... Not every day (hour) or state is similarly good for expression. Probably we all know forms of this. Sometimes I have such racing thoughts and flights of ideas in insane succession that it's absolutely impossible to even follow them reasonably inside my head, let alone expressing them in a way others can comprehend. I don't think it's rare, especially not for people who have obsessive tendencies, like us here. Also, I think we (humans) differ in what forms of learning and expression come most easily to us. Just look at the different forms of artistic expressions, what a specific person likes and uses best. Also, read up on "learning styles" psychology if you are not yet familiar. I've known for a long time that I am very dominant in reading/writing. Expressing myself in words (even if it's much poorer than I would want it to be, due to some language limits for example, as English is not my first and I'd lived in quite a different countries) is by far the easiest and most natural for me. You can probably see that some of us tend to make long posts (like me, more often than not) and others shorter ones.
And this is yet another reason why, I think, SR (and the virtual world) feel so much like home and natural for me. In the context of recovery, I would have wanted to do AA also, several times. Tried a little. And I would not be the kind of person who would want to go to meeting mostly to just listen... I love to share and interact. But I can never express in speech what I can in written word. It's not because I am anxious or uncomfortable with it. It's just speaking is far less natural for me (despite having had to deal with it in my whole career). There are people who have a similarly strong preference for other expression styles, like visual, or musical, or simply doing things to others. These, at least in part, are components of our neurobiological hardwiring.
And now I think it's time for me to move on from Serenidad's great thread here
Thanks, all, for the inspiration and very valuable shares and discussion!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by haennie
On cravings. I had insane ones, too, during the first few months of my sobriety. I did a lot of work on trying to figure out my triggers, and it helped some, but many were totally random and could hit literally anytime during the day or night. For me, the truth was that most of the time when I tried to simply "surf" these urges, talk myself out of them, or simply just try to let others talk me out of them with rational arguments, it helped a little... but only a little. I believe that the strong cravings in early sobriety are basically physiological in nature, so it can be hard to make them go away with mental exercises only. I also tried to get into reading and watching about other people's stories, but often these would make it worse for me, full of additional triggers. I remember, for example, I was watching the movie Flight (not for the first time!) one evening during my first month, and some scenes in it induced such a monster craving that I had to stop and get out of the house for a long walk. So for me physical things were the most helpful. Eating, exercising. Active distractions. And like we often say here, introducing many different ways of doing things. After >9 months, I still find myself falling into obsessions somewhat. I've learned that when I recognize this, the best course of action is, again, an active change. For example, I even find myself getting obsessed with certain ways of using SR at times, like focusing on and communicating too much with the same people or about the same topics. This has nothing to do with SR's nature, and all with my nature. So I've learned to STOP these processes (at least for a while) when I recognize they are becoming a matrix for self-sabotaging. Sounds like you enjoy AA meetings - so go as often as you can, but I would also experiment with brand new activities. As I said, I really feel for you re: cravings... I seriously thought sometimes that if they don't dissipate soon, I won't be able to take more... but they did, and I think we can indeed take much more than we would imagine
And thanks for the HOPE! Sometimes I think "this is never going to get easier! Is this how it's going to end for me?" :-(
HOPE is critical for me! And for most living things.
***There was actually a study done by a few scientists several years ago. They were studying the importance of "hope". They went out on a boat with 2 rats on board. They threw one of the rats in the water and there was no land in sight. That rat drowned within 5 minutes because he saw no hope. Next they got close to some land and threw the second rat in the water. That rat swam for 2 days to get to the land and survive because he had HOPE! I love that story! Hope is everything for me.
Thank you for your post and thanks to EVERYONE for their posts!
Serenidad (by the way....Serenidad means "Serenity" in Spanish. I'm not Mexican and don't even speak Spanish but I thought it was cool. I've been searching for Serenity my entire life. Had for a while...lost it...I'm fighting to get it back! :-)
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Hey Serenidad-
First & foremost you're back in here where you already know there's a lot of support, and you're moving forward.
I am sorry that this has been a bit rough, but hopefully with your conviction and with lots of support, you can get where you want to be.
As you already know, it's not easy- but very doable.
I'm not sure if this has already been posted, but I am a huge believer in exercise to help with the carvings. I know this is not everyone's thing, but I just can't express how much easier it has made things for me. I find that a good hard 20-30 minutes of vigorous cardio seems to really change how I feel for the rest of the day, and booze does not have a grip on me nearly as much.
Whatever do decide to do, it's great that you're back in here as yourself!
Lusher
PS- I just noted the above post by you, that mentions exercise as well. I see that you've mentioned that's one thing that you'll try. Again, I can't stress enough how much of a difference that it's made with me and I hope that you, too, will find some relief.
First & foremost you're back in here where you already know there's a lot of support, and you're moving forward.
I am sorry that this has been a bit rough, but hopefully with your conviction and with lots of support, you can get where you want to be.
As you already know, it's not easy- but very doable.
Do you guys have any other tips on getting thru the cravings?
Whatever do decide to do, it's great that you're back in here as yourself!
Lusher
PS- I just noted the above post by you, that mentions exercise as well. I see that you've mentioned that's one thing that you'll try. Again, I can't stress enough how much of a difference that it's made with me and I hope that you, too, will find some relief.
Last edited by Lusher; 11-12-2014 at 10:39 AM. Reason: "P.S."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by Lusher
Hey Serenidad- First & foremost you're back in here where you already know there's a lot of support, and you're moving forward. I am sorry that this has been a bit rough, but hopefully with your conviction and with lots of support, you can get where you want to be. As you already know, it's not easy- but very doable. I'm not sure if this has already been posted, but I am a huge believer in exercise to help with the carvings. I know this is not everyone's thing, but I just can't express how much easier it has made things for me. I find that a good hard 20-30 minutes of vigorous cardio seems to really change how I feel for the rest of the day, and booze does not have a grip on me nearly as much. Whatever do decide to do, it's great that you're back in here as yourself! Lusher PS- I just noted the above post by you, that mentions exercise as well. I see that you've mentioned that's one thing that you'll try. Again, I can't stress enough how much of a difference that it's made with me and I hope that you, too, will find some relief.
Thx for your post Lusher! I hope you are doing well! :-)
Keeping my head up!
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 52
Think about how much time you spent drinking, you've got to fill that time void,,exercise as stated earlier really helps me and also having a daily planner that I can sit down every day and write out a plan for that day and then stick to it. I don't want any idle time on my hands, this has always been dangerous for me as I have a lot of time off from work. Sounds like you have a good plan laid out, execute it and please take it easy on yourself, LOVE yourself as you would your closest, dearest family member or friend. You are worthy of it, WE ALL ARE!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
For me Serindad, the whole name switch to Limawhatever is only indicative of how lost you truly feel.
But my friend, you are never so lost that you cannot be found...that you cannot come home ..to yourself (and well SR for that matter : ).
Sobriety is very much ..to me...about coming home. And look at all the lovely guests you have here in your home...with our cups of cocoa by the fire wondering where you been...saying..
Welcome home.
Keep going to AA...keep doing the work. You can do this.
But my friend, you are never so lost that you cannot be found...that you cannot come home ..to yourself (and well SR for that matter : ).
Sobriety is very much ..to me...about coming home. And look at all the lovely guests you have here in your home...with our cups of cocoa by the fire wondering where you been...saying..
Welcome home.
Keep going to AA...keep doing the work. You can do this.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
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