I'm so sorry...
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 943
Hi, I liked Limabean too!
Please stay with us in the November class, you'll be missed otherwise!. I originally started another account back in 2009 but ended up deleting that one as I had stupidly used a name I had in an e-mail doh! I sometimes feel my December 2012 date is a cop out here as it should really read 2009. We are still here and really trying cc ant that's what counts. Peace X
Please stay with us in the November class, you'll be missed otherwise!. I originally started another account back in 2009 but ended up deleting that one as I had stupidly used a name I had in an e-mail doh! I sometimes feel my December 2012 date is a cop out here as it should really read 2009. We are still here and really trying cc ant that's what counts. Peace X
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I've always really liked Serenidad.
Still do.
I'm glad you're you again.
' I used AA for the first 3 years to stay sober and was happy. I stopped going to AA for the last 2.5 years of my sobriety and really wasn't happy.'
I'm glad you're in AA again too....
Welcome back. Don't go changin' again.
Still do.
I'm glad you're you again.
' I used AA for the first 3 years to stay sober and was happy. I stopped going to AA for the last 2.5 years of my sobriety and really wasn't happy.'
I'm glad you're in AA again too....
Welcome back. Don't go changin' again.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Welcome back as yourself. I know when I relapsed after 8 yrs. I had a hard time re-connecting with AA or anyone. I was more critical of the people. I came to realize my own self-contempt was getting projected outward and I was/am pushing people away-the very people I need. There is a lot I don't like about AA but it doesn't hold a candle to what it has done for me. Where else can one go where the human spirit of helpfulness is displayed daily (SR of course but FtoF). Forgive yourself a bit and you will see others a little softer, human just like us. I'm still a hermit myself but getting better at being me sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,447
Serenidad, I'm really glad you did this.
And, it sounds like you need support right now. People often say that it's hard to quit once again after a relapse, but you can do it. We're here for you.
And, it sounds like you need support right now. People often say that it's hard to quit once again after a relapse, but you can do it. We're here for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Serenidad - Thank you for coming forward and admitting what you did. You are brave. I remember what LimaBean3000 wrote on my thread about liars. I thought that was a great posting! No need to be another name. We are all here for the same reasons basically...warts and all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,229
Where ever I go, there I am. I can run
but I can't hide from myself. So, I will
keep an Openmind, have Willingness to
learn all I can about what addiction is
and how it affects my mind, body and
yes, my soul. To learn many valuable
lessons that will keep me on my recovery
path and become Honest with myself and
those around me.
WILLINGNESS OPENMIND HONESTY
but I can't hide from myself. So, I will
keep an Openmind, have Willingness to
learn all I can about what addiction is
and how it affects my mind, body and
yes, my soul. To learn many valuable
lessons that will keep me on my recovery
path and become Honest with myself and
those around me.
WILLINGNESS OPENMIND HONESTY
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Welcome back to your genuine niche at SR, Serenidad. This is extremely courageous of you to come clear about all these things, and I am sure it'll only have healing value for you. And inspiration for others
What you describe in the OP reminds me of something I did in my past, with old email "identities". And in other forms in the virtual world (and much more). There were many, and some were more robust and lasted longer than others; I used these different IDs to "explore" different things I either wasn't comfortable with or thought they would not do good to my "real" self in the everyday world. This, or just being uncertain about who I was and what I wanted, so I tried these different IDs on, see where they would take me. Often I even behaved differently under these aliases... almost like some kind of multiple personality construct, except that I consciously created and them. I explored relationships this way also, many kinds. And some of these endeavors were far from what "I" (well, who is this "I"?) would have accepted easily, and I had a lot of shame and guilt associated with them, so I would just decide to kill these personas (in practice: delete email accounts, online profiles, etc). For me, these behaviors and IDs were only very partially related to my alcohol addiction, much more a general coping mechanism and personality feature that I really needed to address at some point. The process brought some quite profound healing to me and it's still part of my current work in therapy, although now only marginally. But it's definitely a work in progress.
I think there can be a lot of enlightenment and peace to be found in finally accepting ourselves, with "warts and all" as they say... And instead of fragmenting ourselves and running away from one identification into the next, we can work on the integration, and then strengthening the integrity. This is a type of self-work that brings so much good into my own life..., every step I try to add to it. The result is also that things (including internal conflicts, emotional turmoil, etc) can become so much simpler and more straightforward to deal with. It seems like you do have the abilities that can serve both as the foundation and driving force for this type of work in terms of honesty and willingness to continue working on your current problems using external help also.
Your plan sounds great - keep at it. And thanks a lot for the share, I am sure many people have gotten a lot out of it, including myself
What you describe in the OP reminds me of something I did in my past, with old email "identities". And in other forms in the virtual world (and much more). There were many, and some were more robust and lasted longer than others; I used these different IDs to "explore" different things I either wasn't comfortable with or thought they would not do good to my "real" self in the everyday world. This, or just being uncertain about who I was and what I wanted, so I tried these different IDs on, see where they would take me. Often I even behaved differently under these aliases... almost like some kind of multiple personality construct, except that I consciously created and them. I explored relationships this way also, many kinds. And some of these endeavors were far from what "I" (well, who is this "I"?) would have accepted easily, and I had a lot of shame and guilt associated with them, so I would just decide to kill these personas (in practice: delete email accounts, online profiles, etc). For me, these behaviors and IDs were only very partially related to my alcohol addiction, much more a general coping mechanism and personality feature that I really needed to address at some point. The process brought some quite profound healing to me and it's still part of my current work in therapy, although now only marginally. But it's definitely a work in progress.
I think there can be a lot of enlightenment and peace to be found in finally accepting ourselves, with "warts and all" as they say... And instead of fragmenting ourselves and running away from one identification into the next, we can work on the integration, and then strengthening the integrity. This is a type of self-work that brings so much good into my own life..., every step I try to add to it. The result is also that things (including internal conflicts, emotional turmoil, etc) can become so much simpler and more straightforward to deal with. It seems like you do have the abilities that can serve both as the foundation and driving force for this type of work in terms of honesty and willingness to continue working on your current problems using external help also.
Your plan sounds great - keep at it. And thanks a lot for the share, I am sure many people have gotten a lot out of it, including myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
After I started this thread last night, I went straight to bed in tears and full of fear, guilt and shame. That negative voice in my head said "You can't even be honest on an anonymous forum! What the heck is wrong with you? People hate you! You suck!" I think I even forgot to log off. I was so afraid that people were not going to forgive me and yell at me.
I finally got the courage to start reading all of your posts this morning and was in tears again at all the forgiveness, love and support. You guys are amazing! :-) Totally not the reaction I thought I would get.
I have to admit a few of the comments about lima beans "I hate Lima beans anyway!" and "At least you picked a healthy vegetable" made me laugh through my tears. Haha.
Thank you so much! I am still really scared because those insane cravings they are REALLY hard to overcome. I am going to go buy ice cream today to see if that helps. People have said it does. Right? I think they sell individual small cups of it. I'm going to another meeting tonite.
Do you guys have any other tips on getting thru the cravings? My cravings are truly almost an out of body experience. I feel like someone or some THING is possessing my body! It's scary! I start breathing rapidly, I start sweating, my entire body starts screaming for alcohol. I don't remember that happening when I got sober the first time in 2008 but I also think I was "scared straight". I had just gotten a DUI and my ass was on fire! I was in deep do-do!!!
Anyway...I know there are no magic answers here but if there is anything that might help...I will try it.
Bless you all and I pray for you and all alcoholics and addicts who still suffer daily. I've seen people die of this disease first hand and it's not pretty. I don't want to be one of those people and I don't want anyone else to be one either. It's a very long, slow, torturous death.
Have a nice sober day!
Serenidad :-)
I finally got the courage to start reading all of your posts this morning and was in tears again at all the forgiveness, love and support. You guys are amazing! :-) Totally not the reaction I thought I would get.
I have to admit a few of the comments about lima beans "I hate Lima beans anyway!" and "At least you picked a healthy vegetable" made me laugh through my tears. Haha.
Thank you so much! I am still really scared because those insane cravings they are REALLY hard to overcome. I am going to go buy ice cream today to see if that helps. People have said it does. Right? I think they sell individual small cups of it. I'm going to another meeting tonite.
Do you guys have any other tips on getting thru the cravings? My cravings are truly almost an out of body experience. I feel like someone or some THING is possessing my body! It's scary! I start breathing rapidly, I start sweating, my entire body starts screaming for alcohol. I don't remember that happening when I got sober the first time in 2008 but I also think I was "scared straight". I had just gotten a DUI and my ass was on fire! I was in deep do-do!!!
Anyway...I know there are no magic answers here but if there is anything that might help...I will try it.
Bless you all and I pray for you and all alcoholics and addicts who still suffer daily. I've seen people die of this disease first hand and it's not pretty. I don't want to be one of those people and I don't want anyone else to be one either. It's a very long, slow, torturous death.
Have a nice sober day!
Serenidad :-)
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