supermavis

Hello all. I've been here years ago but I can't find my old account so started a new one. I wasn't around much, so no one would remember it anyway!

Fresh start all around.

Currently hiding in my bedroom (in my own house, which makes me a little angry) because it's the only place I can go where it is quiet, dark and peaceful. The anxiety during the day every day is maddening, and the triggers are all out there in the main part of the house. Primarily my SO, who was supposed to work today but didn't feel like it (he only works 2 days a week as it is, because he's on disability). He'll sit at the dining room table which is smack in the middle of the main part of the house and be online all day doing nothing, while I work (self employed, quite a bit of which is done online) or do the physical parts of my job (shipping, photos, etc) or clean, or cook. As the day progresses I get more and more anxious and end up knocking off around 5 or so and sitting down with some beers and smokes. Used to be a few nights a week, now almost every night.

Which leaves me feeling awful. Physically and emotionally and mentally. And adds to the anxiety, which adds to my desire to numb it all away. Which makes it harder to find ambition to work...and when you're your own boss, you have to have ambition. No one else is going to push you but yourself....

Of course he drinks too, and talks about quitting too. He's getting worse, and goading me into it on nights I'd rather not (not blaming, just sharing). He's also getting mean. It's all got to stop.

So today I'm going to try again. Today is fresh right now. I did manage to not drink this last Friday night (after a day in my bedroom with books and cats and quiet) and it was an amazing feeling...normal sleep, normal feeling in the morning. Though freakishly emotional. I've gained a slew of weight, I eat horribly, I don't get exercise, I'm stressed nearly 24/7 and I am miserable. I have to go to the dr. tomorrow and I'm scared they'll do bloodwork and tell me I'm dying. My liver aches, I have awful sciatica, my hands tingle (carpal tunnel but maybe worse). I'm in an awful place and feel like I am drowning.

sprout50

Welcome back. Maybe you could start by talking to your Dr tomorrow. Use it as a start to get sober and healthy. You don't have to continue to feel this way.

least

Welcome! I used to drink to drown the depression and anxiety but drinking just made things worse. Now that I'm sober I have much less anxiety and depression.

I'm glad you joined us. You'll find lots of support here.

supermavis

Terrified to tell my doctor, I'm so ashamed. I've considered it, but I'm afraid she'll order a bunch of tests on my organs and I will find out I'm dying.

supermavis

@Least, did you ever take meds while drinking, for anxiety or depression?

Jwalker

Hey Supermavis,

Welcome back! Talk to your doctor as you can't fix the problems if you don't know what they are. S/he will be able to help, give you access to resources, and give you a path to a healthier and happier life.

Posting here is a great first step. Your experience is very similar to mine and so many others here -- you are not alone!

Jwalker

supermavis

I'll consider it. I'm just so scared. My Dad died of Pancreatic cancer, my Mom is struggling w/ COPD (smoker, never drank)....my SO has severe mental illness and his Mom has diabetes and a heart condition. I feel like I have to be the healthy one, for all of us, and my daughter. And I'm afraid to find out anything bad.

Aellyce

Hi supermavis,

Welcome back to the board, I hope you will stay with us for a good while I relate to your OP. I also came to SR first a few years ago, and signed in sporadically, but never took it seriously until early this year. I am familiar with being locked (self-inflicted) in the apartment, not wanting to do anything, feeling anxious, stressed, and like dying really... almost all the time. You can absolutely break out of this, but it takes a large dose of commitment first in my experience - commitment to change and getting your health and perspectives back. And then a daily work of recovery.

I don't usually like overly complicated solutions and programs when I am feeling very anxious and insecure. So when I decided to quit drinking for good, I decided to use SR and stay close to it as much as possible, for a couple months. It did keep me sober, along with small and gradual lifestyle changes I had made. I opened up to a variety of other methods to aid my recovery quite slowly and gradually after the initial 2-3 months. Like some AA meetings (that never became a main tool for me), therapy (that I love, still do, and don't plan to stop anytime soon), physical activity, a lot of changes in my relationships.

I also hated going to the doctors, like you. I learned it the hard way that often it's better to go and be honest with them than hiding away fearfully. I visited doctors at least 3-4 times in my life with nothing else really, but anxiety and panic, including unrelated to drinking when I was much younger. It tends to be helpful even if they don't really do anything except a basic exam and talking to me a little. That's why they are there, to help! And you can be 100% sure it's not first time they will see someone with a drinking problem... very far from it. In this context, one of the worst mistakes I made in my drinking past was when I did not see anyone in a really gruesome major depressive episode that included insane levels of anxiety, despair, being suicidal daily, and just generally sheer madness. I would never do the same now.

I think a doctor visit is a good start, and talk to them about your options. You really can turn this around, like many of us, just keep at it!

supermavis

Thanks Haennie. I'll keep mulling it. Part of me knows I need to be honest and get out ahead of this, part of me wants to keep hiding it in shame. Some days I think if I could just stay home in the dark forever I'd be happy to do so....

Aellyce

I thought exactly the same. For years. Too many years! And instead of getting out "into the light", I pulled others into my darkness as well... this still makes me feel ashamed at times, but you know... it's very different now and I am not going to dwell on the past much, only as much as it helps me improve my present and future, and some mistakes that have to be clearly amended.

You may have read here on SR from several people that it takes a leap of faith initially - belief that things can, and will get better. Better than all that hiding and digging in the dark can bring us. The improvements are usually not immediate, although I did experience lots of pretty instant (within a few days) physical and mental changes after putting down the drink. And yet, I found myself so drawn to that darkness and the obsessions... it takes a while and quite a bit of effort to break this, and often also external help (like I said, I've found SR and therapy extremely helpful).

One way of thinking about it, and this is basically how I started out: why not? What can I lose getting sober and trying to live a bit differently? If it does not work, it does not work. But why not give it a chance?

LimaBean3000

Welcome back!!! Have you ever considered going to AA? I went to a wonderful women's meetings last night and felt soooo good after! All the women were so nice and down to earth. It was a discussion meeting so everyone got to DUMP all their crap, look for a solution, feel better and go home. Haha.

Hang in there! Keep us posted! :-)

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, supermavis, to SR.

I, too, think that a visit to the Dr. might be a good idea. Dealing with truth and reality seems so much better than living with fear, uncertainty, the unknown and anxiety. Once you know what you are dealing with (or what you are not) you will be to make a plan based on knowledge and understanding.

We are here for you, supermavis, and are solidly in your corner. You can do this!!!!

RDBplus3

I tried to quit drinking, I did quit, I drank again, I tried to quit, I tried to fix myself by going to AA, I prayed for God to help me quit, I prayed for God to make me stop, I was trying to fix myself by praying, I tried to fix myself by going thru treatment...I couldn't fix myself. I was the 'Trigger'.
I finally gave up completely, went back to AA and got a Sponsor, worked the AA Steps (honestly worked the Steps with my Sponsor's direction) and God fixed my Spiritual Malady with my cooperation, now I am FREE and it is wonderful to really be FREE.

RDBplus3...and it is there for U 2...guaranteed

ArtFriend

Part of being healthy is ironically going to the doctor! Do you think that maybe getting some psych therapy could also help with your depression? Feeling like you are dying and want to be in a dark room is very indicative of depression. The thing about that kind of environment is that is envelopes you and subsumes you. Don't let it!! Step out in faith and into the light!

supermavis

Thanks everyone. I've physically moved out to the living room and had a talk with my SO about his drinking (ours, really) and that we BOTH have to commit to this.

Question, has anyone here had to deal with someone who won't get sober while they themselves are trying to?

supermavis

ArtFriend, I've never considered myself as having depression, though I do take Paxil for anxiety. Which likely doesn't work because of the alcohol. BLergh.

SoberLeigh

Sounds like a good step, supermavis.

(My husband is the consummate normie but you will probably hear from many people SR folks who are or have been in a similar situation as you; SR also has a Friends and Families forum so you might want to look around there for support, too).

supermavis

Thanks. I'll look around here today and try to learn as much as I can!

sunrise88

Welcome back supermavis! I sympathize with your situation because I am only on day 6 yet my husband still drinks. It's hard to watch it at first but last night it didn't bug me. It's like I've learned to ignore it. I really hope you stick around! Please go see your doctor; it will put your mind at ease. Look forward to reading more of your posts!!

supermavis

Congrats on day 6 sunrise88! Thanks for the encouragement.