People who doubt your Sobriety.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
People who doubt your Sobriety.
Hi everyone, hope it was a safe and Sober weekend for all of you. This is just a short vent, I have to let it out.
I went back to work a few weeks ago, and I love my new job and routine. I work days, mon-fri, same hours and love the work I do. I get a good workout in most nights, have set up a really good routine for myself. I am living my life the way I should have been living it years ago, Sober and one day at of time.
I used to go to AA 3 times a week, but with my commute I go once a week. There are weeks that I skip. While I know that AA is important, I don't feel that my Sobriety is threatened by my not going as often. My problem is that my mom is on my back about it. All the time. She thinks I'm on my way off the wagon because I don't go to AA as often. She still lives, I feel, in a world where I am going to go back to my old ways. I realize that she has every right to feel the way that she does, and no amount of my reassuring or reasoning with her will make her change. I accept that she feels how she does, but it seems to always end in arguing, anyway. And it hurts so much that she doubts me.
I have recieved so many wonderful gifts in Sobriety and I will be 6 months Sober on November 12. I have so much to be grateful for. She just left my condo, we had another arguement, and I feel like crying. There's nothing I can say to her, but in my heart I know that i am doing right by me.
Thanks for listening, and you all have a wonderful week
Bunnez
I went back to work a few weeks ago, and I love my new job and routine. I work days, mon-fri, same hours and love the work I do. I get a good workout in most nights, have set up a really good routine for myself. I am living my life the way I should have been living it years ago, Sober and one day at of time.
I used to go to AA 3 times a week, but with my commute I go once a week. There are weeks that I skip. While I know that AA is important, I don't feel that my Sobriety is threatened by my not going as often. My problem is that my mom is on my back about it. All the time. She thinks I'm on my way off the wagon because I don't go to AA as often. She still lives, I feel, in a world where I am going to go back to my old ways. I realize that she has every right to feel the way that she does, and no amount of my reassuring or reasoning with her will make her change. I accept that she feels how she does, but it seems to always end in arguing, anyway. And it hurts so much that she doubts me.
I have recieved so many wonderful gifts in Sobriety and I will be 6 months Sober on November 12. I have so much to be grateful for. She just left my condo, we had another arguement, and I feel like crying. There's nothing I can say to her, but in my heart I know that i am doing right by me.
Thanks for listening, and you all have a wonderful week
Bunnez
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
My mother was a button pusher. I let her for a lot of years. We butted heads a lot. Then I decided to step out of the dance.
I realized I didn't have to listen to her, I didn't have to convince her, and if I said, "I'm done talking about this," and she persisted, I could say that again. I could walk away. I also learned to ask her to leave if she was going to insist on creating drama and she was at my house, and I learned to hang up the phone using the same sentence as above.
I was polite about it and even though she had to get in the last word when I did it, that was okay. I was done talking about "It" - whatever "it" was at the time.
Try it. It takes two to argue.
I realized I didn't have to listen to her, I didn't have to convince her, and if I said, "I'm done talking about this," and she persisted, I could say that again. I could walk away. I also learned to ask her to leave if she was going to insist on creating drama and she was at my house, and I learned to hang up the phone using the same sentence as above.
I was polite about it and even though she had to get in the last word when I did it, that was okay. I was done talking about "It" - whatever "it" was at the time.
Try it. It takes two to argue.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: San Diego, California
Posts: 66
Actions speak louder than words.
Just keep up the good work and she will get it eventually. I know how hard it was for me when my husband would doubt my sobriety -- getting anxious if I got angry, too happy, too playful, etc. It just took time.
Hang in there and don't let her fears and anxiety derail your progress! Perhaps you can suggest that your Mom attend Alanon?
Jwalker
Just keep up the good work and she will get it eventually. I know how hard it was for me when my husband would doubt my sobriety -- getting anxious if I got angry, too happy, too playful, etc. It just took time.
Hang in there and don't let her fears and anxiety derail your progress! Perhaps you can suggest that your Mom attend Alanon?
Jwalker
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
My mother was a button pusher. I let her for a lot of years. We butted heads a lot. Then I decided to step out of the dance.
I realized I didn't have to listen to her, I didn't have to convince her, and if I said, "I'm done talking about this," and she persisted, I could say that again. I could walk away. I also learned to ask her to leave if she was going to insist on creating drama and she was at my house, and I learned to hang up the phone using the same sentence as above.
I was polite about it and even though she had to get in the last word when I did it, that was okay. I was done talking about "It" - whatever "it" was at the time.
Try it. It takes two to argue.
I realized I didn't have to listen to her, I didn't have to convince her, and if I said, "I'm done talking about this," and she persisted, I could say that again. I could walk away. I also learned to ask her to leave if she was going to insist on creating drama and she was at my house, and I learned to hang up the phone using the same sentence as above.
I was polite about it and even though she had to get in the last word when I did it, that was okay. I was done talking about "It" - whatever "it" was at the time.
Try it. It takes two to argue.
Bunnez
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by bunnezjp
Unfortunately, I have had to ask her to leave my home many times so far. If there was any compusion left in me to drink, it would be her. She will never understand, and I will keep having to turn a deaf ear.
Bunnez
Bunnez
It took me a while of walking away, refusing to engage, before she got the message. But they will always have something to say about how their baby should act.
Goes with that whole, "I birthed you!" thing, I think.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
you sound like i did when i got sober when i was in my 20s my life started to go really well, i started to earn a lot more money as i was doing more work, i used to do 3 or 4 meetings a week back then but i couldnt keep them up and work the hours i was doing so i cut back my meeting to 1 a week
then it didnt seem to matter to be to be going to aa at all i mean i just didnt need it my life was great so i gave up on aa and didnt go to the meetings
can you guess what happend next ?
can you guess what happend to my work and all the money i had earned ?
well i went for 15 years sober living but in the end i drank again, within 8 years of drinking my frist drink i ended up losing everything i had or loved
my 2 youngest kids got removed from our care as me and my ex wife were both raving loonys in drink
the home was lost the money ended up going till it all went
i ended up going to prison and fianly in a flat that was given to me by a charity that helps people who have nothng left in life
i was a 24 / 7 drunk
how on earth did i end up like that from feeling so good about myself before it ?
i remember going back to aa for help and i seen some of the same people still there at aa some 20 odd years on since i had been going in my first time
it was clear to me what they did and what i didnt do
they kept on going to aa for all those years and they never picked up a drink and there lives were ok
compared to my own were i had nothng left and the bad side was that aa did tell me all those years ago that if i am an alcoholic like they are then if i cut my recovery out then i will end up in a worse postion than ever before
my story is just one of thosands who end up stopping going to aa and end up falling back down again somewhere along the line
they come back into aa and tell us all about what happend to them and its always the same story
life gets better so they dont need aa anymore
today i am 10 years sober and i will never again cut my meetings out i dont care how i feel i will make the time for my meetings as without me being sober i will have nothing left again
then it didnt seem to matter to be to be going to aa at all i mean i just didnt need it my life was great so i gave up on aa and didnt go to the meetings
can you guess what happend next ?
can you guess what happend to my work and all the money i had earned ?
well i went for 15 years sober living but in the end i drank again, within 8 years of drinking my frist drink i ended up losing everything i had or loved
my 2 youngest kids got removed from our care as me and my ex wife were both raving loonys in drink
the home was lost the money ended up going till it all went
i ended up going to prison and fianly in a flat that was given to me by a charity that helps people who have nothng left in life
i was a 24 / 7 drunk
how on earth did i end up like that from feeling so good about myself before it ?
i remember going back to aa for help and i seen some of the same people still there at aa some 20 odd years on since i had been going in my first time
it was clear to me what they did and what i didnt do
they kept on going to aa for all those years and they never picked up a drink and there lives were ok
compared to my own were i had nothng left and the bad side was that aa did tell me all those years ago that if i am an alcoholic like they are then if i cut my recovery out then i will end up in a worse postion than ever before
my story is just one of thosands who end up stopping going to aa and end up falling back down again somewhere along the line
they come back into aa and tell us all about what happend to them and its always the same story
life gets better so they dont need aa anymore
today i am 10 years sober and i will never again cut my meetings out i dont care how i feel i will make the time for my meetings as without me being sober i will have nothing left again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
Originally Posted by desypete
you sound like i did when i got sober when i was in my 20s my life started to go really well, i started to earn a lot more money as i was doing more work, i used to do 3 or 4 meetings a week back then but i couldnt keep them up and work the hours i was doing so i cut back my meeting to 1 a week
then it didnt seem to matter to be to be going to aa at all i mean i just didnt need it my life was great so i gave up on aa and didnt go to the meetings
can you guess what happend next ?
can you guess what happend to my work and all the money i had earned ?
well i went for 15 years sober living but in the end i drank again, within 8 years of drinking my frist drink i ended up losing everything i had or loved
my 2 youngest kids got removed from our care as me and my ex wife were both raving loonys in drink
the home was lost the money ended up going till it all went
i ended up going to prison and fianly in a flat that was given to me by a charity that helps people who have nothng left in life
i was a 24 / 7 drunk
how on earth did i end up like that from feeling so good about myself before it ?
i remember going back to aa for help and i seen some of the same people still there at aa some 20 odd years on since i had been going in my first time
it was clear to me what they did and what i didnt do
they kept on going to aa for all those years and they never picked up a drink and there lives were ok
compared to my own were i had nothng left and the bad side was that aa did tell me all those years ago that if i am an alcoholic like they are then if i cut my recovery out then i will end up in a worse postion than ever before
my story is just one of thosands who end up stopping going to aa and end up falling back down again somewhere along the line
they come back into aa and tell us all about what happend to them and its always the same story
life gets better so they dont need aa anymore
today i am 10 years sober and i will never again cut my meetings out i dont care how i feel i will make the time for my meetings as without me being sober i will have nothing left again
then it didnt seem to matter to be to be going to aa at all i mean i just didnt need it my life was great so i gave up on aa and didnt go to the meetings
can you guess what happend next ?
can you guess what happend to my work and all the money i had earned ?
well i went for 15 years sober living but in the end i drank again, within 8 years of drinking my frist drink i ended up losing everything i had or loved
my 2 youngest kids got removed from our care as me and my ex wife were both raving loonys in drink
the home was lost the money ended up going till it all went
i ended up going to prison and fianly in a flat that was given to me by a charity that helps people who have nothng left in life
i was a 24 / 7 drunk
how on earth did i end up like that from feeling so good about myself before it ?
i remember going back to aa for help and i seen some of the same people still there at aa some 20 odd years on since i had been going in my first time
it was clear to me what they did and what i didnt do
they kept on going to aa for all those years and they never picked up a drink and there lives were ok
compared to my own were i had nothng left and the bad side was that aa did tell me all those years ago that if i am an alcoholic like they are then if i cut my recovery out then i will end up in a worse postion than ever before
my story is just one of thosands who end up stopping going to aa and end up falling back down again somewhere along the line
they come back into aa and tell us all about what happend to them and its always the same story
life gets better so they dont need aa anymore
today i am 10 years sober and i will never again cut my meetings out i dont care how i feel i will make the time for my meetings as without me being sober i will have nothing left again
Bunnez
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Jwalker
Actions speak louder than words.
Just keep up the good work and she will get it eventually. I know how hard it was for me when my husband would doubt my sobriety -- getting anxious if I got angry, too happy, too playful, etc. It just took time.
Hang in there and don't let her fears and anxiety derail your progress! Perhaps you can suggest that your Mom attend Alanon?
Jwalker
Just keep up the good work and she will get it eventually. I know how hard it was for me when my husband would doubt my sobriety -- getting anxious if I got angry, too happy, too playful, etc. It just took time.
Hang in there and don't let her fears and anxiety derail your progress! Perhaps you can suggest that your Mom attend Alanon?
Jwalker
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Congrats in advance on your 6 months. Difficult situation, and definitely a topic that cuts across sobriety issues. Occasionally we must leave some people behind in our lives to live happily and peacefully. A hard truth is sometimes parents are included.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
Originally Posted by bunnezjp
While I appreciate your insight, DesP, with all due respect, I am not you. Or anyone else. I was a 24/7 drinker for 8 years. My liver failed in May. By the Grace of God my body is recovering and will continue to do so. Things are going well, and to turn off this path would be a spit in the face to everyone and everthing that I know. Never once in my post did I mention not needing AA, so let's take care not to turn this into that thread, which probably already exists on SR more than once. I have roots in AA and will get there when I can. Once again, thank you for the vent and your insights.
Bunnez
Bunnez
i know your not me and nor have you experienced the things i have so i do understand how hard it is for anyone to think they might lose there mum or dad or partner or job etc
we all think that will happen to someone else but not me i know i did
i am sure your mum loves you and cares for you and that is all she is worried about
i only wish when i came into aa i still had a mum or anyone who was concerned about me some people have so much in life and yet they complain about it
you really should turn this situation around and give your mum a huge hug as she loves you, she doest want to see her baby that she has watched grow up end up in a mess again thats all.
thats what matters my friend and good luck to you
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
If you aren't drinking, screw your detractors.
My mom lives in justifiable fear of me relapsing. Her youngest brother went off and on for years before finally drinking himself to death. She fears for me because of my past behavior. Time is the only proof they will accept and time takes time. Soldier On. Love them and reassure them and Soldier On.
My mom lives in justifiable fear of me relapsing. Her youngest brother went off and on for years before finally drinking himself to death. She fears for me because of my past behavior. Time is the only proof they will accept and time takes time. Soldier On. Love them and reassure them and Soldier On.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...An awful lot of people with and awful lot of sobriety go to an awful lot of meetings..."
...and........an awful lot of people with an awful lot of sobriety (30+; 40+ years) rarely go to meetings at all; some even go to none. They may drop by to socialize to see how folks are doing, but most of my recovered friends don't do meetings any more. They got sober to get a life, and they got it; there are a lot of ways to 'give back' that don't involve going to meetings. I've always believed that 'carry the message' didn't mean just sitting in a room and waiting for folks to come to me.................
(o:
NoelleR
...and........an awful lot of people with an awful lot of sobriety (30+; 40+ years) rarely go to meetings at all; some even go to none. They may drop by to socialize to see how folks are doing, but most of my recovered friends don't do meetings any more. They got sober to get a life, and they got it; there are a lot of ways to 'give back' that don't involve going to meetings. I've always believed that 'carry the message' didn't mean just sitting in a room and waiting for folks to come to me.................
(o:
NoelleR
Just keep doing the next right thing and in time, she'll come around. 
And even if she never "gets it", you know the truth - that you're sober. 
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Congrats on your sober time! If I were you, I'd try and let her just "be" while you focus on doing what works best for you. Sounds like you are doing that! So, well done. Keep doing what you're doing. She will either come around to see that you're doing well, or she'll keep up the doubting and worrying. Either way, don't let that detract from your success thus far
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