Change4good

I fell down a rabbit hole, and need help. I need to hear something from you guys. I am scared. Worst relapse ever. I have stayed away because I literally start crying when I think about coming back here.

I don't want to be hospitalized again. I want to be okay. Problem is, the drinking is all day, and I am shaking.

How did this happen? I had a big stretch of sobriety, and it ended with a huge thud. Pretty horrific.

awuh1

Have you looked at what went wrong, that is, why you relapsed. Does it fit into a pattern with past relapses? What will change the next time a situation like this comes up?

These are some of the things I asked myself after the many times that I drank, after I swore I would not.

Notimetoloose

This is a good start, we are happy you are back.
Do you think you will have withdrawals and if so can you see your doctor for some support to get you through them?

Change4good

I started drinking again 6 days ago. I have a history of withdrawal, and lost a twin brother to alcoholism. I don't know what to do here. . .I should just go to detox and be safe, but I have a family, job, etc. that I can't just check out on. I understand this sounds insane, and that I should do what is necessary to get healthy. Just thinking about the way to do it with the least amount of collateral damage to my career and family.

Gottalife

What Awuh said. How is it that you were without defence against the first drink? Here are some of the usual suspects. A resentment, an amends unmade, a secret kept, the delusion that it might all be a mistake undermining your efforts with the AA way of life, poor sponsorship i.e directed to do things that are not in the Big Book, or not do things that are, taking your fifth steps with someone who did not know how to play their part, complacency, not sponsoring or working with others, failure to develop your spiritual life.

I don't list lack of meeting attendance because, though it may be a symptom of a problem, so many meeting makers drink again that I don't think lack of meeting attendance can be a cause in itself.

Change4good

I didn't honor my sobriety, and did not use my tools. I stupidly thought I could have that one drink at a party. It is never one drink. It doesn't work that way for me.

I just need to figure out a way to get sober without wreaking my life. Meaning, I can't go to detox right now. I need to maintain an income, and show up for things. I need to do this without putting my health jeapardy while also realizing that I may be at risk for some scary withdrawal stuff.

I am always thinking about Dee's experience. I understand he had a series of mini strokes. We are all glad that he survived and creates such an hospitiable place for us. I just always think about his words of caution when people stop drinking without medical help.

Notimetoloose

Talk to your doctor, hopefully you should be able to stop drinking with minimum discomfort...and then throw everything you have at staying sober.
Making it your number one priority.
Drinking has the potential to cripple us and lose everything that is important.
I am so sorry about your twin brother.
Posting and talking over what's on our mind helps, next time you want to drink, sign on here first and post or at the least read others.

awuh1

The most important thing now IMO is to detox safely.

Also work out a plan so you can avoid the sort of situation in which you found yourself when you drank, or at the very least, have a plan for what you will do differently.

All the best to you

Dee74

I agree with the consensus here Change - the priority now really needs to be detoxing safely.

None of the other things you're putting forward as important are worth a damn if you're not around, in good health, to enjoy them, yeah?

Please do see someone, ASAP. It can be the first step to getting back to where you want to be

D

sprout50

I agree with everyone that you need to detox safely. Do you have any sick time you can take? Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.

doggonecarl

If you are scared of withdrawal, you'll most likely keep drinking. If you keep drinking, then all the things you say you have to maintain--job, income, family responsibilites--are at risk. A much greater risk than going to detox.

Look at it this way, if you was to be involved in a minor accident that took you out of action for a week, what would happen? Doesn't really matter, because you'd be too hurt to work and everyone would understand. View detox the same way. It's only for a little while, and it will get you back on track.

Wastinglife

My last relapse was 10 months ago. A week of drinking solid. I also have a history of mild to medium withdrawal syndrome. Last time was 4 days of absolutely zero sleep, crippling anxiety, and depression. I have been sober since mainly because those 4 days awake on the couch not leaving the apartment were such hell on earth. I also had 30 staples in my head due to a fall during the last night of the relapse to add a dimension of misery.

I don't think I will live to see my 40th bday unless I stop all booze forever. It sounds like you are the same type of drinker as me. We can't drink ever!!

Expos81

I am dealing with the withdrawals and it is scary. On day 2 now hoping it gets better soon. I guess it is part of the recovery process. I feel quite alone but this site and the whole SR community really help!

newlifecy

Personally, when I was still drinking I wasn't in my right mind and could'nt analyze why I relapsed....what my relapse warning signs were....etc. It took me a half a year sober (for the fog to start clearing) and many one on one's with my sponser to get to that point. Trust me, there's plenty of time for that sort of thinking later. If you want to get sober again, you will do whatever it takes.

Elphaba

I can totally relate, I am shaking too, and I can't even hold down water

luvmygirls

You've gotten some good advice. I completely understand the unwillingness to get help because that would, once and for all, confirm that you are actually not "functional" after all. I'm happy that you posted here and are taking the first steps to get back on track. (((hugs)))

Change4good

Thanks everyone. I went to the ER yesterday, and was monitored over night. Did not need medication, and my vitals and blood work were fine. Shocked actually, that my liver enzymes were so low. My hands tend to shake when I don't eat, and that alarmed me. I hadn't had a proper meal in two days.

A good friend took me, and was shocked when I told her the whole story. But it can't be untold, and there is important accountability here.

Thanks again for the comments. Starting back at doing the hard work. I feel much, much better physically and otherwise today.

Soberwolf

So good to hear Change you can do it

good luck and well done on being back really happy your here

PurpleKnight

Great to hear you're doing well!

razor15

I'm glad you're feeling better. Welcome back to SR