Ok. Help, ok?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,358
Pam, I'm so sorry that you are hurting, confused, and torn right now. Grief is not a neat tidy little bundle - it is what is happening to you right now. Peace and love to you, my dear. Somehow we learn how to put the pieces back into a semblance or order. I think that is through grace.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by Raider 
I thought about a grief counseling. But everyone is sad when a loved one passes so unexpectedly. And leaving your aging parents is common among people our age, who doesn't grieve these things? And this grief is so overwhelming, I cannot breathe. I can't grieve here. But I can't stop grieving. I don't feel like my grief is anymore overwhelming than anyone else's. But I guess I don't know that. I'm scared to leave here and scars to go.
You know, it doesn't matter if other people grieve, too, and if grief is common. If YOU need help, then YOU should get help. (And many people do go to grief counselors.) But ultimately it's not a contest. Don't worry about other people's grief. You only have to live with your own and right now it sounds overwhelming. Please get help.
I used to think that I didn't need therapy because other people had it worse than me. But you know what? When I actually went, I found it helped me enormously. And it made me more able to be a good friend/daughter/sister/coworker/boss, etc.
Now I don't hesitate to find a therapist if I'm in a rocky part of my life. And if I were in your position, I'd be on the phone interviewing therapists in a minute.
Please don't think that your needs are unworthy simply because other people have them or might deal with them differently. Talking to a counselor can be amazing. There's no shame in needing help to work with profound grief.
I am truly sorry for your loss.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
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(((Raider)))).
Some wonderful and caring advice on this thread, Raider - a tribute to how special you are to SR.
Yes, everyone grieves. Grief is intensely personal; no one can do it for another; it is a process that must be worked through. The most you can do for your parents is listen with an open heart. Thank goodness for technology; you can always be there with a loving and understanding ear.
From a practical standpoint, grieving can make one unable to provide for or recognize their basic needs; I echo Anna's question about a arranging for caregiver to help your parents a few hours a day or a cleaning service on a set schedule even it is only for high traffic portions of their home a couple of times a month.
Some wonderful and caring advice on this thread, Raider - a tribute to how special you are to SR.
Yes, everyone grieves. Grief is intensely personal; no one can do it for another; it is a process that must be worked through. The most you can do for your parents is listen with an open heart. Thank goodness for technology; you can always be there with a loving and understanding ear.
From a practical standpoint, grieving can make one unable to provide for or recognize their basic needs; I echo Anna's question about a arranging for caregiver to help your parents a few hours a day or a cleaning service on a set schedule even it is only for high traffic portions of their home a couple of times a month.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 476
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
You cannot grieve for them Raider, it is their cross to bear. I hope you can perhaps find some counsel for yourself, that is where you need to focus.
Focus on yourself first and foremost.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Just a thought Pam, but I wonder if you are afraid that if you leave your parents that they also will die and on the heels of your sister's loss, that would be unbearable. It would be totally normal to fear losing your parents. But, if you can try and think about it rationally, your dad told you that you needed to get on with your life. He feels comfortable saying that, so he must feel confident that he and your mother are going to be fine. You can arrange for help for them (if needed) after you go home.
I would also avail yourself to grief counseling. I did not do that after my sister died and my grief became extended and what is called "complicated grief". Counseling will help you sort out your feelings and safely express your fears, anger whatever. These NEED to be expressed and not sublimated or ignored.
I would also avail yourself to grief counseling. I did not do that after my sister died and my grief became extended and what is called "complicated grief". Counseling will help you sort out your feelings and safely express your fears, anger whatever. These NEED to be expressed and not sublimated or ignored.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Grief is a painful rollercoaster and loss must be grieved. There has been so much great support here Pam. Grief in early sobriety I think is especially challenging and confusing as well..we drank because we are uncomfortable feeling our feelings
The suggestions regarding care for your parents and yourself are fantastic. The most important thing is to "allow" your feelings...yours and those of your parents.
The suggestions regarding care for your parents and yourself are fantastic. The most important thing is to "allow" your feelings...yours and those of your parents.
Raider I am so sorry.Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
I have some ladies from church that want to help keep the house up for my parents. I'll follow up next week. Now she has to let them do it.
Yes I have a lot of fear another death in the family will happen soon. I'm so scared I get physically sick. I do not want to be the last one standing but I do not want to go before my parents pass.
I'm just so dang sad.
Yes I have a lot of fear another death in the family will happen soon. I'm so scared I get physically sick. I do not want to be the last one standing but I do not want to go before my parents pass.
I'm just so dang sad.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
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I agree...very sad. But you managed to get some help from the church to help your parents. That is good.
I totally get what you are saying about not being the last one to go. I am the youngest of 4 and my parents are gone as well as my sister. All that is left is me and my two older brothers. I know I will outlive one of them...and I may out live the other since I am 9 years younger. It is a very weird place to be, but it is reality. You probably will outlive your parents...and I guess be the last man standing. But you must prepare yourself for that. Now it is new and fresh and hurts like hell.... give it some time. You WILL be OK. I just know it!
I totally get what you are saying about not being the last one to go. I am the youngest of 4 and my parents are gone as well as my sister. All that is left is me and my two older brothers. I know I will outlive one of them...and I may out live the other since I am 9 years younger. It is a very weird place to be, but it is reality. You probably will outlive your parents...and I guess be the last man standing. But you must prepare yourself for that. Now it is new and fresh and hurts like hell.... give it some time. You WILL be OK. I just know it!
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