At the end of my rope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
At the end of my rope
Hi folks,
I have been visiting this page for quite a while now, but never felt the need to join - until now.
I started drinking at a pretty early age, but it wasn't a problem, although, looking in retrospective, maybe, many of my behavioral conducts got worse thanks to boozing and smoking pot in my late teens and early 20's.
I don't want to make this post to long because I want to cut to the chase - I lived in NYC for about 10 years and moved back to a country in South America. My first warning signs of having booze issues were in 2008, or as early as 2006, when I left Puerto Rico after consuming all sorts of drugs. I found myself in Texas, with a good job that I lost thanks to my boozing and two nervous breakdowns. I don't drive, but I'm sure that if I did, I would have already killed myself, or someone else.
My last partner got me into a detox center, which in this country is confused with a rehab center. Went to AA, but my ego is so big, I thought it was a craphole for losers at the end of the line. Six months after having our daughter, she asked me to leave, and actually gave me time to sober up, but i did the opposite - I sat around, feeling sorry for myself and went to a ton of interviews, all of which got me nothing. Had to move to my mom's place for about a year. She is a heavy drinker, and my dad was a functional alkie until he passed in 2011. Besides that, I have no other family.
I have been detoxed four times for periods of 12-15 days, but had a horrible psychiatrist that gave me klonopin for over a year. I moved back to the original city in which I lived in when I came back to South America, and in a couple of months I was again drinking about a liter of vodka or whiskey per night, and bymyself.
I got news that the mother of my daughter has a boyfriend and I had very little money with me, but found the way to buy extremely cheap liquor. During my alcoholic stupor, I found rubbing alcohol, and hoping it would kill me, drank it too. It only got me to the ER, told me to drink a bag of medical serum and 4mg of lorazepam.
I'm 33, lot two bad paid jobs at hotels in the last month (but they would have been better than nothing) and I fear that everytime I am getting a bit better, I screw up, as some sort of autosabotage.
My AA group has a meeting tonite which I plan to attend. I thought I could have a glass of wine here or there, or a couple of beers, have a few days and keep it under control, but there is no way. I just can't tough it. My emotional problems, and/or depression gets mixed up and it all goes to hell.
My question is, is there spiritual guidance anyone has followed that has helped them in their road to sobriety? I spoke to my sponsor and told him about my apprehensions in the way they approach sirituallity, but after spending tons of money in detox and seeing that the public health system in this country puts you on an eternal waiting list, I really don't know what to do anymore.
I've had great jobs, won prizes, had nice girlfriends, and now I just feel like this overweight, bloated loser that has nothing to offer to anyone. I am broke, my friends have all realized that I have a major issue, and I feel that if I don't make a huge change in my life and in my perspective of it, I am not going to be around much longer.
My daughter is beautiful, going to be three in January, and I really want to make things right.
Sorry for making this so long, but I've been unable to tell this story even to a counselor, because it takes up more than an hour.
I have been visiting this page for quite a while now, but never felt the need to join - until now.
I started drinking at a pretty early age, but it wasn't a problem, although, looking in retrospective, maybe, many of my behavioral conducts got worse thanks to boozing and smoking pot in my late teens and early 20's.
I don't want to make this post to long because I want to cut to the chase - I lived in NYC for about 10 years and moved back to a country in South America. My first warning signs of having booze issues were in 2008, or as early as 2006, when I left Puerto Rico after consuming all sorts of drugs. I found myself in Texas, with a good job that I lost thanks to my boozing and two nervous breakdowns. I don't drive, but I'm sure that if I did, I would have already killed myself, or someone else.
My last partner got me into a detox center, which in this country is confused with a rehab center. Went to AA, but my ego is so big, I thought it was a craphole for losers at the end of the line. Six months after having our daughter, she asked me to leave, and actually gave me time to sober up, but i did the opposite - I sat around, feeling sorry for myself and went to a ton of interviews, all of which got me nothing. Had to move to my mom's place for about a year. She is a heavy drinker, and my dad was a functional alkie until he passed in 2011. Besides that, I have no other family.
I have been detoxed four times for periods of 12-15 days, but had a horrible psychiatrist that gave me klonopin for over a year. I moved back to the original city in which I lived in when I came back to South America, and in a couple of months I was again drinking about a liter of vodka or whiskey per night, and bymyself.
I got news that the mother of my daughter has a boyfriend and I had very little money with me, but found the way to buy extremely cheap liquor. During my alcoholic stupor, I found rubbing alcohol, and hoping it would kill me, drank it too. It only got me to the ER, told me to drink a bag of medical serum and 4mg of lorazepam.
I'm 33, lot two bad paid jobs at hotels in the last month (but they would have been better than nothing) and I fear that everytime I am getting a bit better, I screw up, as some sort of autosabotage.
My AA group has a meeting tonite which I plan to attend. I thought I could have a glass of wine here or there, or a couple of beers, have a few days and keep it under control, but there is no way. I just can't tough it. My emotional problems, and/or depression gets mixed up and it all goes to hell.
My question is, is there spiritual guidance anyone has followed that has helped them in their road to sobriety? I spoke to my sponsor and told him about my apprehensions in the way they approach sirituallity, but after spending tons of money in detox and seeing that the public health system in this country puts you on an eternal waiting list, I really don't know what to do anymore.
I've had great jobs, won prizes, had nice girlfriends, and now I just feel like this overweight, bloated loser that has nothing to offer to anyone. I am broke, my friends have all realized that I have a major issue, and I feel that if I don't make a huge change in my life and in my perspective of it, I am not going to be around much longer.
My daughter is beautiful, going to be three in January, and I really want to make things right.
Sorry for making this so long, but I've been unable to tell this story even to a counselor, because it takes up more than an hour.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Yes, I have found and connected with my spiritual self at the beginning of my recovery. For me, it was really important because I had to find a purpose in my life. I am not religious, but am very spiritual. There are many great books to guide in your spiritual search. You can check out our book list, if you like.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rituality.html
I'm glad you found us and that you have decided to stop drinking.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rituality.html
I'm glad you found us and that you have decided to stop drinking.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: South Florida
Posts: 149
Welcome. Thank you for sharing your story - i hope you find the spirituality you are looking for. Focus on that and on your beautiful daughter. Think about how losing the booze will give her the Daddy she deserves.
Bug
Bug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 133
For me personally, believing in something bigger and greater than myself- this was humanity. Fellow human beings and the healing power in knowing that I am not alone, as I have always, since childhood, felt like an outsider. This feeling of finally being connected to something has helped me in recovery tremendously.
Wishing you all the best, you can heal and recover, keep going.
Wishing you all the best, you can heal and recover, keep going.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your kind words and for taking the time of going through the post.
Hevyn: Thanks for replying. It is amazing to know that there are people out there that actually care and can empathize with someone they don't eve know. Although that is precisely what happened to me when I started reading the posts on this website and got me to join.
Kelly12390: Thank you for your words. I really connect to your words because I have thought that humanity is actually what makes good or evil, hope or despair become a reality. As if we could all play the role of an angel or a demon.
Hawks: I am living in Santiago, Chile. Thought about moving back to NYC, but terribly scared I will fall into the same happy-hour rituals that got me into this in the first place. And there is the loneliness factor. And not leaving my daughter.
Anna: Thanks for the link. I am going to look into it.
Kelly: Thanks for sharing your outlook. I was very spiritual as a child, but lost touch with God or a higher-power as soon as I got into philosophy and existentialism. I think I have humbled down after so many failed attempts to stop drinking on my own, or just believing I could handle it.
Trachemys: That's what a doctor told me the first time he saw me and I told him how much I drank. I don't know why it wasn't enough for me to stop. A few months after that I even fell down the subway rails cuz I fell asleep while standing near the edge. Not even that made me stop.
Last nite's AA meeting was special. This gentleman from Denmark dropped by. He said he has been sober 36 years. We talked about some people welt enlightened all of a sudden, and some of us had to stumble quite a few times before reaching some sort of epiphany or 'illumination.'
I just pointed out that I felt scared about the whole idea of living a life without alcohol. Especially, of being strong enough to cope with dramatic events, as I have always recurred to alcohol. But the more I talk to or read about ppl in recovery, I find the same answer: they are much happier booze-free.
Hevyn: Thanks for replying. It is amazing to know that there are people out there that actually care and can empathize with someone they don't eve know. Although that is precisely what happened to me when I started reading the posts on this website and got me to join.
Kelly12390: Thank you for your words. I really connect to your words because I have thought that humanity is actually what makes good or evil, hope or despair become a reality. As if we could all play the role of an angel or a demon.
Hawks: I am living in Santiago, Chile. Thought about moving back to NYC, but terribly scared I will fall into the same happy-hour rituals that got me into this in the first place. And there is the loneliness factor. And not leaving my daughter.
Anna: Thanks for the link. I am going to look into it.
Kelly: Thanks for sharing your outlook. I was very spiritual as a child, but lost touch with God or a higher-power as soon as I got into philosophy and existentialism. I think I have humbled down after so many failed attempts to stop drinking on my own, or just believing I could handle it.
Trachemys: That's what a doctor told me the first time he saw me and I told him how much I drank. I don't know why it wasn't enough for me to stop. A few months after that I even fell down the subway rails cuz I fell asleep while standing near the edge. Not even that made me stop.
Last nite's AA meeting was special. This gentleman from Denmark dropped by. He said he has been sober 36 years. We talked about some people welt enlightened all of a sudden, and some of us had to stumble quite a few times before reaching some sort of epiphany or 'illumination.'
I just pointed out that I felt scared about the whole idea of living a life without alcohol. Especially, of being strong enough to cope with dramatic events, as I have always recurred to alcohol. But the more I talk to or read about ppl in recovery, I find the same answer: they are much happier booze-free.
I'm glad you joined us. 
I'm glad you decided to stop drinking. Life really is better sober. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Welcome plexi01. I can relate a lot to your post. I lost good jobs, girlfriends, my car all to the drink. But I was so depressed about what my life had become that I needed to drink more to feel good about myself.
I am still putting my life together and seeing a therapist but struggle with my past.
I am still putting my life together and seeing a therapist but struggle with my past.
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