First Time reaching out - Time to Let it Out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 8
First Time reaching out - Time to Let it Out
Hello SoberRecovery members,
This is my first time and day joining a recovery forum and I finally feel that it is time that I talk about and take responsibility for things that I have. I have been a binge drinker ever since I was a senior in high school-I am around 30 now. My drinking has caused me so much pain and suffering while also causing others pain in turn. I have never really talked to anyone about my problems with drinking because I feel ashamed of what I do and also worry that I won't be understood if I did talk. I have lost almost every girlfriend due to drinking. Sometimes when I drink - especially around a girl that I care about - I become insecure and start thinking that they want to be with another guy. This could be from being cheated on in my first real relationship with a girl i loved a lot at the time, although I have been insecure and not have confidence since as early as I can remember. I do have social anxiety that causes me to choke up when trying to speak and fear being called on to speak in front of people. There are only a couple people in my life that are in my comfort zone, but it takes a long time for someone to be.
I have always enjoyed learning and thought that going to college would bring me confidence which would then make me not feel the urge to drink since Im sure I drink because I do not feel successful and have social anxiety. I graduate with my associates and recently I started at a university and will graduate this may. Regardless of how good I do in school I tend to drink a lot of alcohol in one sitting. Nearly every weekend I will get a couple beers with the intention of only drinking those, but after they are gone I will go get more and more and more. I will continue drinking until everything is gone. For several days after drinking I have so much regret and shame for doing it but after a week or so, those feelings will dissipate enough and I will drink again. I can't control it.
When I am sober I constantly think about all the bad decisions I made and things I have done in the past. This leads me to feel very down and want to drink. It is a vicious cycle for me. I primary think about the girls that I have lost due to my drinking and insecurity. I am a very emotion guy who tries to make others happy and am told I am a friendly and caring person. However, I am not happy with myself. I am currently on a college internship away from home which will help me graduate with a degree. Everynight I am by myself in an apartment. I do not like drinking at all but I still end up drinking mass amounts. Last night I drink 8 beers, a half pint of southern comfort in a 7 hour span. Now i feel a lot of shame and guilt. I do not want to ruin my body and ruin any chances of leading a happy life. I want to stop drinking but the feelings of regret eventually lead me to drinking again. I am happy to find this site and thank everyone who reads this.
This is my first time and day joining a recovery forum and I finally feel that it is time that I talk about and take responsibility for things that I have. I have been a binge drinker ever since I was a senior in high school-I am around 30 now. My drinking has caused me so much pain and suffering while also causing others pain in turn. I have never really talked to anyone about my problems with drinking because I feel ashamed of what I do and also worry that I won't be understood if I did talk. I have lost almost every girlfriend due to drinking. Sometimes when I drink - especially around a girl that I care about - I become insecure and start thinking that they want to be with another guy. This could be from being cheated on in my first real relationship with a girl i loved a lot at the time, although I have been insecure and not have confidence since as early as I can remember. I do have social anxiety that causes me to choke up when trying to speak and fear being called on to speak in front of people. There are only a couple people in my life that are in my comfort zone, but it takes a long time for someone to be.
I have always enjoyed learning and thought that going to college would bring me confidence which would then make me not feel the urge to drink since Im sure I drink because I do not feel successful and have social anxiety. I graduate with my associates and recently I started at a university and will graduate this may. Regardless of how good I do in school I tend to drink a lot of alcohol in one sitting. Nearly every weekend I will get a couple beers with the intention of only drinking those, but after they are gone I will go get more and more and more. I will continue drinking until everything is gone. For several days after drinking I have so much regret and shame for doing it but after a week or so, those feelings will dissipate enough and I will drink again. I can't control it.
When I am sober I constantly think about all the bad decisions I made and things I have done in the past. This leads me to feel very down and want to drink. It is a vicious cycle for me. I primary think about the girls that I have lost due to my drinking and insecurity. I am a very emotion guy who tries to make others happy and am told I am a friendly and caring person. However, I am not happy with myself. I am currently on a college internship away from home which will help me graduate with a degree. Everynight I am by myself in an apartment. I do not like drinking at all but I still end up drinking mass amounts. Last night I drink 8 beers, a half pint of southern comfort in a 7 hour span. Now i feel a lot of shame and guilt. I do not want to ruin my body and ruin any chances of leading a happy life. I want to stop drinking but the feelings of regret eventually lead me to drinking again. I am happy to find this site and thank everyone who reads this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 503
Hi Fighting Dragon1 and welcome! Stick around here, read as much here as you can, choose what's helpful for you and continue being sober minute by minute. You don't need to sort everything out all at once right now and it does get better 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
Welcome!
I'm glad you know that you want to change your life for the better. I think it's easy to get caught up in the downward spiral of drinking/shame/more drinking. It takes a conscious effort to step out of that. Take the action you need to take to get out of the cycle. It might be a good idea to plan to be doing something active in the evenings, rather than sitting alone in your apartment. Have faith that you can do this.
I'm glad you know that you want to change your life for the better. I think it's easy to get caught up in the downward spiral of drinking/shame/more drinking. It takes a conscious effort to step out of that. Take the action you need to take to get out of the cycle. It might be a good idea to plan to be doing something active in the evenings, rather than sitting alone in your apartment. Have faith that you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
Hi Dragon and welcome. Like the earlier post said , don't try to figure it all out now. Just don't drink today. Then take it a day at a time like that. Like Anna said, you will have to specifically change your current patterns. You CAN overcome this. It sounds as if you are laying the foundation for a good future with your education....don't let alcohol take that away. I'm rooting for you!
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: South Florida
Posts: 149
Hi there, I am new here too. And a binge drinker too. I understand your inner demons. You are heading in the right direction. Take care of yourself first and then you will find the girl of your dreams. Good things are coming. Take it one day at a time.
Bug
Bug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 133
It's great that you reached out, this can be the start of your journey.
I understand everything that you're saying; there is never enough alcohol and there never will be either. Acceptance is huge and will take time. I am six months sober and some days acceptance is still hard to wrap my mind around. Try and not beat yourself up anymore, I think the way we drink is a hellish punishment in itself; so in going forward forgive yourself, put the stick down. Please know that you are not alone.
I understand everything that you're saying; there is never enough alcohol and there never will be either. Acceptance is huge and will take time. I am six months sober and some days acceptance is still hard to wrap my mind around. Try and not beat yourself up anymore, I think the way we drink is a hellish punishment in itself; so in going forward forgive yourself, put the stick down. Please know that you are not alone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome Fighting Dragon. It's so good to meet you.
Drinking cost me so many things - but at your age I wasn't ready to give it up. I kept insisting I could control it if I just tried hard enough. Over the years I slowly became more dependent on it - it became almost impossible to let it go. That's when I found SR. You'll never regret taking action now, before your life is torn apart the way mine was. I agree that the guilt and remorse need to stop - they always led me back to drinking. You can do it - we will help.
Drinking cost me so many things - but at your age I wasn't ready to give it up. I kept insisting I could control it if I just tried hard enough. Over the years I slowly became more dependent on it - it became almost impossible to let it go. That's when I found SR. You'll never regret taking action now, before your life is torn apart the way mine was. I agree that the guilt and remorse need to stop - they always led me back to drinking. You can do it - we will help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3,323
I get drunk we stay sober
You are doing what I did. You belong here. Pain brought you here. Love will keep you here if you want what we have. I have everything and I want you to get what I have. Attracting girls is easy when you become attractive. You are sick trying to get well, not bad trying to get good. Keep coming back. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 350
Welcome.
I agree with others you need to deal with your drinking first. All those other problems become that much harder to solve when you're in that bad booze cycle.
It sounds like maybe you have some codependency issues underneath the drinking. I get the sense you hunger for approval and reassurance and it's true, women don't like that because nobody likes the feeling that somebody else's happiness depends on them alone. In the long term some counselling may help. You need to build your inner core and your self-esteem up. Giving up the drink will be a good start in that direction. Nothing is worse for your self-worth than feeling like you can't cope with life without alcohol. I know, I've been there.
I agree with others you need to deal with your drinking first. All those other problems become that much harder to solve when you're in that bad booze cycle.
It sounds like maybe you have some codependency issues underneath the drinking. I get the sense you hunger for approval and reassurance and it's true, women don't like that because nobody likes the feeling that somebody else's happiness depends on them alone. In the long term some counselling may help. You need to build your inner core and your self-esteem up. Giving up the drink will be a good start in that direction. Nothing is worse for your self-worth than feeling like you can't cope with life without alcohol. I know, I've been there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
You and I are a lot alike.
Welcome to SR and well done getting honest with yourself and having the courage to share.
There is a better way and you have taken the first , huge step.
Stick around, keep sharing and reading and asking questions...
Your life is already on the way to relief and improvement. Free yourself from the cycle of alcohol and you will be blessed to get down to the business of realizing your full potential!
Welcome to SR and well done getting honest with yourself and having the courage to share.
There is a better way and you have taken the first , huge step.
Stick around, keep sharing and reading and asking questions...
Your life is already on the way to relief and improvement. Free yourself from the cycle of alcohol and you will be blessed to get down to the business of realizing your full potential!
Professional zombie fighter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Hey, I just wanted to say, I feel ya. I also drink for social anxiety and low self regard, and also mostly alone, and I also wish I wasn't doing it.
I also did the exact same thing my last two years in college.
I even also had an internship away from home that had me isolated and drinking every night alone in the room I was renting. I so get that. It was like there wasn't any choice.
After the internship I got the job offer to do it full time. Yay! ...
Fast forward four years, though, and I'm about to lose that same job because you can only show up an hour and a half late and looking like death so many times.
But I've been sober five days now for the first time in so long I don't even know how long, and I have been on here CONSTANTLY in that time and I've started reading the literature of a variety of recovery programs. I already feel better about myself.
I'm not saying I know what I'm talking about :p Thats just my experience so far.
You can do it. You sound smart and kind and like you want something out of life. Drinking like that will only get in the way of that stuff, I think. Personally, it's only taken away the things I've worked for.
I also did the exact same thing my last two years in college.
I even also had an internship away from home that had me isolated and drinking every night alone in the room I was renting. I so get that. It was like there wasn't any choice.
After the internship I got the job offer to do it full time. Yay! ...
Fast forward four years, though, and I'm about to lose that same job because you can only show up an hour and a half late and looking like death so many times.
But I've been sober five days now for the first time in so long I don't even know how long, and I have been on here CONSTANTLY in that time and I've started reading the literature of a variety of recovery programs. I already feel better about myself.
I'm not saying I know what I'm talking about :p Thats just my experience so far.
You can do it. You sound smart and kind and like you want something out of life. Drinking like that will only get in the way of that stuff, I think. Personally, it's only taken away the things I've worked for.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 8
thank all of you for the encouraging words and support! My low self esteem and sense of worth is one of the reasons i feel I will drink and will continue to drink. Anxiety and negative personal thoughts do go away after I have had a few drinks and I will keep drinking to remain in that state. I do tend to feel that when I receive affection from girls I feel happier in life, however it doesn't keep me from drinking, I will always come up with a thought and dwell on it until I drink.
It has been 3 days since I had my last drinking binge. I do not have any motivation to get out of bed even though it is a sunny day with a blanket of snow on the ground. All the moments of things I have done in the past that I regret come to mind. Its like a flood gate is wide open with no way to stop it. I am alone at my apartment and do not have to work until tuesday. I am in a very rural area and I do not know anyone besides the couple people i work with, but we still do not hang out besides at work. I do know that my mood improves greatly after a week of drinking, but then i feel I am happy and drinking will be different the next time. IThis this past binge has to be my last if I want to be happy
It has been 3 days since I had my last drinking binge. I do not have any motivation to get out of bed even though it is a sunny day with a blanket of snow on the ground. All the moments of things I have done in the past that I regret come to mind. Its like a flood gate is wide open with no way to stop it. I am alone at my apartment and do not have to work until tuesday. I am in a very rural area and I do not know anyone besides the couple people i work with, but we still do not hang out besides at work. I do know that my mood improves greatly after a week of drinking, but then i feel I am happy and drinking will be different the next time. IThis this past binge has to be my last if I want to be happy
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi FightingDragon - and welcome
a lot of good advice here
the way I dealt with regret was time...and a little effort...do some good things for other people everyday...even if it's just listening to someone else's problems.
The more good you do the harder it is for you to regret things, I promise.
Maybe you need to do something in the evenings too - give yourself less time to brood - have you thought about something like AA maybe?
D
a lot of good advice here
the way I dealt with regret was time...and a little effort...do some good things for other people everyday...even if it's just listening to someone else's problems.
The more good you do the harder it is for you to regret things, I promise.
Maybe you need to do something in the evenings too - give yourself less time to brood - have you thought about something like AA maybe?
D
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