Struggling quite a bit today
 

Hi guys

Not had a good day so far, initially started with a phone call from my ex partner who is an extremely volatile, manipulative character. She wanted to inform me that my daughter was scared of me and frightened and that she didn't want to stay over at mine at the weekend anymore. I had an issue in August which was a one off, I smacked my daughters legs because she would not go to bed. It was 3am and we had been out all day at a wedding. I have regretted it ever since and at the time I spoke to my ex partner and told her, stupidly thinking she would apply a bit of empathy to the situation and actually understand. I also believe in trying to discuss things with her about my daughter however this can backfire to my detriment at times and sets things back.

I am with my daughter now and have had another phone call to say when I drop her off later, my ex partner wants to "sort it all out". The tone of the call was aggressive and unpleasant. I feel a bit empty right now, dreading dropping her off.

I feel very tired and low on energy today, I am currently with my sister and daughter and am very quiet, haven't been able to get out of my head all day really. Is this normal to feel this way?

I have struggled with intrusive thoughts in the past and something called HOCD ( well this I believe is an internet led diagnosis but it matched what was happening at the time) this is rearing it's ugly head in waves at the minute. Like I say, not a good day! It's hitting my self esteem hard and not in a good way.

I need to hit a reset button and drinking provided escape - I'm fighting at the moment, buying cans was the go to plan but I know that's ridiculous. I'm also stressing out about my situation with my girlfriend which seems strained at present and I'm very worried that the bind with her will break as time goes on. I'm struggling with the daily grind

And today, is a grind, I have to drop my daughter off at 7

You already know that drinking isn't going to help. Hopefully, the discussion with your ex will be productive. Stay calm, breathe....

Hi Stewy. That all sounds very stressful. I do not think drinking on it will help in the situation with your ex and your daughter though, right? How old is your daughter? Is she old enough to talk to about how she feels, maybe not? And you do not want her in the middle of a conflict between the adults. I hope that is not what your ex is doing. It is very unfair for a child to be used to manipulate a parent. :(

Hang in there and try to do something fun with your daughter?

I hope that you and your ex can discuss what happened when you hit your daughter. If your daughter is scared and frightened, and she might be, then you will need to try to rectify the situation. If your ex is using the issue as manipulation, then I hope that the two of you can work it out without upsetting the child.

My daughter is 7, when with me she seems absolutely fine we have a great time together. I really can't work it out and feel very stressed out!

We've been doing fun stuff or trying to tonight but all the messages and hassle of today is weighing heavy making it difficult to focus

And I'm now having massive cravings for alcohol

Hi Stewy. Rather than a "reset" button, how about just a "pause" button. Just for today, concentrate on not having that drink. You know that it will just lead to chaos. So not worth it!
I feel both you ,and your ex's pov. Is she having a crappy day? Sounds like August is along time ago to bring something up that has been resolved. I second the question in how old your daughter is. My son is 9, and I know that there are things he shares with me rather than my ex. How is your daughter with you now? Can you perhaps suggest to your ex to try some sort of counseling? The most important voice to me that should be heard is your daughters, and sometimes someone who is not emotionally vested in the relationship can really be beneficial. One thing I try to do with my ex is write everything down that I want to say to him. We really bring the worst out in each other and it doesn't take long to get into a pissing war over something small.
With your current gf, hopefully you will get a chance to sit and talk with her this weekend. See how she is feeling. Day to day stressors really take a toll on a relationship. Hang in there!!!

So sorry you are so stressed about the impending conversation with your ex. Keep yourself level headed while talking & try your hardest not to react, easier said than done...I know. I have learned that sometimes we gotta take the high road with these exes.

As for you....drinking will not make the problems go away. It will make them worse. Stay the course, post here if you have to. Don't let the triggers get the best of you, you are stronger than that. (((hugs)))

Oh, and just because your ex wants to "sort it all out" when you drop your daughter off, that doesn't mean you have to do that right then...especially if that will be a trigger. Perhaps you could suggest a time, in a few days that you can go over her issues with her.

it was already said, but, you know drinking will not help the situation. if anything it could make it worse.
you need to show your strength at this time. turning to the can is a sign of weakness, you need to stay strong for yourself first, this will also prove to your family that you are in control.
good luck

Of course you are. You've handled stress with alcohol in the past and your brain is familiar with the old pattern.

Make a new pattern and that stops.

You got this! :)

Hey Stewy84-

You need to stay strong! If you give in to your cravings, just imagine how you'll feel the following day. You'll have all of the previous stressors, plus the addition of your own disappointment in yourself for not staying the course.

The alcohol will only be a temporary hazy escape at best. You might be able to numb up for a bit, but again, all of your previous efforts to better yourself will be lost. And just to reiterate, nothing will have been accomplished as a result- only additional disappointment.

http://i1375.photobucket.com/albums/...ps6629f163.jpg

Lusher

Marital discord, divorce discord...It's rarely about the manifest issue. It's possible that your ex has volunteered your daughter for the unenviable role of battering ram.

Based on what you've described, and if this was an isolated incident, then I don't see any need to go beyond the explanation you've provided here. I don't believe that it would be helpful for this incident to slide by without comment or discussion, but if your ex turns it into a template for all your behaviors, then it's time to talk about what's "really" going on between the two of you. Your ex may want to know more about what was going on with you at the time, but if you need to explain your behavior more than once, then you're already wasting your time.

As an added comment, and this is not directed at you, Stewy...I've followed a couple of recent threads that are largely complaints about spouses and romantic partners, past and present, in which the OP comments about how their SOs are mistreating them now that they're sober, but little or nothing about what their SOs endured while the OPs were drinking. Or about how cruel, controlling and/or insensitive the OPs continue to be after putting down the drink. Taking on too much guilt, shame or blame without positive action is another popular maneuver in the service of avoiding making amends to those we've harmed, and I take it as just that when this is the case. Such dynamics are common in all relationships, sober or not.

I'm not a fan of one-sided stories, and I didn't comment on the threads I've described, coming down in favor of avoiding provocation instead. But I do believe that this is a non-trivial matter. We're all cheering on the recovering addict, but I think that taking into account and taking responsibility for the harm we've brought to other people in a meaningful way is an important element of the discussion, and I can only shake my head when it's missing from all the complaining. And people who just want to "move on" and not bring all that painful stuff up since it "serves no purpose," aka "sweep it all under the rug?" Good luck.

I think this is important, thanks for bringing up, EG.

I've done this so many times. Move on... without my own attempts to look back or evaluate my own behavior and the emotional damage I'd caused, even with seemingly very little and simple things I said... I did this even long before alcoholism became my problem specifically, so some of it is related to the alcohol problem (and recovery), but the older stories are more character flaws of mine, or not caring, selfishness, we call call it whatever, same pattern.

I feel that sometimes when we, addicts, successfully put down the drink (at least for a while), it can give us an exaggerated sense of self-confidence and success, and something that superficially feels like happiness and power. And we think we have all the right to just leave the past behind and it will magically evaporate without practical and emotional consequences. Again, I've had my first hand experience with this superficial perception. But what can happen, even if we don't care about those we'd hurt, the psychological consequence of such attitude and behavior can hit back on us later, perhaps when we least expect or want it...

For me, this is an area I am trying to work on in my life, but I still find myself making mistakes after mistakes. Repeating old habits. It's not an east ride, but a worthwhile one I think, in the long haul.

Well..I don't know what HOCD is but I do know..that my tendency to "obsess" on things is at the roots of my addiction. There is sooo much going on here for you Stewy regarding your relationship with both your daughter and your ex. I too winced a little when I read your characterization of her as "extremely volatile and manipulative" given the fact that in the next breath you state that you shared the August incident regarding your daughter with her. If you truly believed that...24/7....would you have discussed the incident with her?

I am in no way minimizing your pain or trying to invoke any further shame or negativity as I'm sure you are swimming in buckets of it right now.

This kind of stuff happens in sobriety...it happens just like it did when we were drinking and we circumvented process (and added insult to injuries) by drinking ourselves unconscious.

You want to "check out" ..believe me I get it. I'm not yet 5 months sober and I've had moments just like you're in (albeit the circumstances were different of course)..

These are the moments where we NEED to be sober...where we need to endure and get on through to the other side. Because when you get to the other side? Man..you feel awesome...AND you get the GIFTS of INSIGHT as to what was truly going on..and what you need to do... and you get actually PROUD of yourself...you feel GOOD...rather than hating yourself..

You CAN do this Stewy. Don't give up...it will pass...this dark cloud will dissipate and the sun will return. Just get on through.

It's never as bad as you think...especially for "awfulizers" like ourselves : )

I've calmed slightly now, it's 11pm here and I think I've surfed the storm for now.

I'm always going to have this around me, the interaction with the ex. I understand the need to reflect on how I've treated others during the time I was drinking and have an awareness of the things I say to people, I just felt that even when I was drinking, relations had been very positive and consistent which is why it's frustrating

Ex-Partner are always looking for an excuse to put the boot in. I don't agree with slapping/hitting/ children, but as a Father myself, I understand the challenging behaviour, they can wear you down.

This is a storm in a teacup and it will blow over. Remain sober and strong, have a nice cup of tea and treat yourself to a biscuit or cake, it is the weekend and know that your changing your life and circumstances for the better.

Never ever apologise or explain for hitting your child, its a poison chalice. They will use it against you for the rest of your life. Simply ask to speak your daughter on the phone and say whats wrong ?

If she says she is scared, say why ? If she say because you hit me, then say well dont be naughty and I wont do it again.

As for your Ex (well what can I say), your a muggins for telling her, she probably clapped her hands with glee when you gifted her that one, silly billy. Say nothing and if your daughter says something, then say you discplined her bad behaviour nothing more than that.

Its a tricky one because its going to be a biased situation no matter what you do, I am afraid.

I have been there, done that and have a wardrobe full of t-shirts.