:( Crazy brain...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it sounds like you are still giving yourself an out....an EXCUSE to drink again. see once the decision is TRULY made, all the way down to your marrow, then NO truly means NO, not happening. and then when the thoughts come - and they WILL - you just let them pass on by. you don't fight or argue or dwell.
i'm 8 years clean off of crack cocaine. and just last nite for no godd@mn reason, visions of crack pipes danced in my head for a bit. ugh. i acknowledged and then moved on - NEXT! it wasn't even a real appealing moment, sickened me really, but it still happened. 8 years later.
didn't have to use over it tho. ain't gonna.
you CAN stay sober. your bf leaving doesn't give you a free pass. being an alcoholic doesn't give you a free pass. getting urges doesn't give you a free pass. getting mad at others for offering suggestions on how to cope doesn't give you a free pass.
victim or victor. your choice!!!
i'm 8 years clean off of crack cocaine. and just last nite for no godd@mn reason, visions of crack pipes danced in my head for a bit. ugh. i acknowledged and then moved on - NEXT! it wasn't even a real appealing moment, sickened me really, but it still happened. 8 years later.
didn't have to use over it tho. ain't gonna.
you CAN stay sober. your bf leaving doesn't give you a free pass. being an alcoholic doesn't give you a free pass. getting urges doesn't give you a free pass. getting mad at others for offering suggestions on how to cope doesn't give you a free pass.
victim or victor. your choice!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 498
Wow, there is some powerhouse advice here! I need to read to the kids but then I've got to come back and re-read some of this.
I would get the same feeling Mrrryah1 is experiencing...i.e. everyone is out of the house and I can have a Fosters or wine with no one around. It started my longest relapse to-date (7 days). I ended it on a Friday, my worst day to quit, this was my El Guapo of days and thought if I could stand up to my AV on Friday and then again on Saturday, I can stand up to it on any given day. I've been weak once since then and powered through, with the thought that I beat my AV on a low day.
Mrrryah, maybe look at this week-end as a you versus the AV, if you win and beat it during the worst time then nothing can stop you going forward, four days will seem like the 60+ days that you just completed recently.
Good luck, I'll be looking for your posts tomorrow am, I hope it is good news. It would be inspiring.
I would get the same feeling Mrrryah1 is experiencing...i.e. everyone is out of the house and I can have a Fosters or wine with no one around. It started my longest relapse to-date (7 days). I ended it on a Friday, my worst day to quit, this was my El Guapo of days and thought if I could stand up to my AV on Friday and then again on Saturday, I can stand up to it on any given day. I've been weak once since then and powered through, with the thought that I beat my AV on a low day.
Mrrryah, maybe look at this week-end as a you versus the AV, if you win and beat it during the worst time then nothing can stop you going forward, four days will seem like the 60+ days that you just completed recently.
Good luck, I'll be looking for your posts tomorrow am, I hope it is good news. It would be inspiring.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Had it all set up and planned out. Ready to use. Guy even had the H and was ready to shoot me up..... Brain was back forth back forth insanity. Unblocking his number reblocking his number. Saying I'm on my way saying no I'm not coming. Called my sponsor told her what was happening. She said I'm gonna die if I keep relapsing go somewhere safe. I know she's right. Anyways, I drove right by his house bawling my eyes out and straight to my fiancés moms house. Now I will be babysat for the night. Sober and safe though. On to day 5 tomorrow.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I'm really glad you didn't Mrryah - sounds to me like you're on the lip of a pretty dark precipice to be honest - I'm so glad you went a different way.
Use the support here and elsewhere this weekend, ok?
D
Use the support here and elsewhere this weekend, ok?
D
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by mrrryah1 
had it all set up and planned out. Ready to use. Guy even had the h and was ready to shoot me up..... Brain was back forth back forth insanity. Unblocking his number reblocking his number. Saying i'm on my way saying no i'm not coming. Called my sponsor told her what was happening. She said i'm gonna die if i keep relapsing go somewhere safe. I know she's right. Anyways, i drove right by his house bawling my eyes out and straight to my fiancés moms house. Now i will be babysat for the night. Sober and safe though. On to day 5 tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Okay, its time to push yourself again! Remember all the wonderful things you are greatful for and remember how by drinking you will lose everything.
Stop thinking in terms of, "may" but rather will. For example you WILL die if you continue to use. You WILL lose your FI if you make the decision to drink. You WILL lose your job.
Remember, you can drink anytime you want so don't think this is the last and only time you can ever drink. I don't ever like to think in terms of "forever" puts too much stress on me.. So I think in terms "of right now." Right now I won't drink. Maybe later.. But today I am making a decision to remain sober. It just relieves some of the anxiety I feel when it comes to alcohol.
Don't worry about this weekend, just worry about today. I look forward to your check-in tomorrow.
Stop thinking in terms of, "may" but rather will. For example you WILL die if you continue to use. You WILL lose your FI if you make the decision to drink. You WILL lose your job.
Remember, you can drink anytime you want so don't think this is the last and only time you can ever drink. I don't ever like to think in terms of "forever" puts too much stress on me.. So I think in terms "of right now." Right now I won't drink. Maybe later.. But today I am making a decision to remain sober. It just relieves some of the anxiety I feel when it comes to alcohol.
Don't worry about this weekend, just worry about today. I look forward to your check-in tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I vote this.
It takes a certain amount of integrity to get sober. We aren't twelve years old anymore. We can't be sneaky where the only danger is in getting caught. We are adults and the danger is in the misdeed.
You've quit drinking. So you don't drink. Period.
It takes a certain amount of integrity to get sober. We aren't twelve years old anymore. We can't be sneaky where the only danger is in getting caught. We are adults and the danger is in the misdeed.
You've quit drinking. So you don't drink. Period.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Sounds like you recognized a trigger, came here and talked about it, asked for help and then made a plan.
I think you should give yourself credit for actually doing a good job! Just think that when you were active, before you chose the path of recovery, you didn't know how to do any of those things.
Recognizing that we are being triggered shows that we are starting to develop self-awareness. Developing self awareness is a first basic step towards recovery.
What we choose to do with those moments of panic is another step. You chose to find a safe place.
I think all of us get it, we understand how it's like when "that" moment comes. And, it is not fun.
I hated drinking and I hated being sober in early sobriety. Those trigger moments came fast and frequent. I hated it.
But, I can tell you that after 90 days, I noticed a big change. The triggers began to dissipate. The sense of intense panic and anxiety that accompanied "that" moment, waned. I actually could tell myself to watch the clock and even as soon as 7 or 8 minutes into the trigger...it would start to fade.
This urge to drink WILL fade. Just hang in there, you are making progress!
I think you should give yourself credit for actually doing a good job! Just think that when you were active, before you chose the path of recovery, you didn't know how to do any of those things.
Recognizing that we are being triggered shows that we are starting to develop self-awareness. Developing self awareness is a first basic step towards recovery.
What we choose to do with those moments of panic is another step. You chose to find a safe place.
I think all of us get it, we understand how it's like when "that" moment comes. And, it is not fun.
I hated drinking and I hated being sober in early sobriety. Those trigger moments came fast and frequent. I hated it.
But, I can tell you that after 90 days, I noticed a big change. The triggers began to dissipate. The sense of intense panic and anxiety that accompanied "that" moment, waned. I actually could tell myself to watch the clock and even as soon as 7 or 8 minutes into the trigger...it would start to fade.
This urge to drink WILL fade. Just hang in there, you are making progress!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1
Had it all set up and planned out. Ready to use. Guy even had the H and was ready to shoot me up.....Brain was back forth back forth insanity. Unblocking his number reblocking his number. Saying I'm on my way saying no I'm not coming. Called my sponsor told her what was happening. She said I'm gonna die if I keep relapsing go somewhere safe. I know she's right. Anyways, I drove right by his house bawling my eyes out and straight to my fiancés moms house. Now I will be babysat for the night. Sober and safe though. On to day 5 tomorrow
Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 66
Mrryah,
You totally sound like me. When my fiance would leave and go away for a couple of days, it's like a panic happened in my brain and I kept thinking about how I might as well get trashed because nobody would ever know. It's happened so many times. It's like I was thinking I would be wasting an opportunity to get drunk and do whatever I wanted, that I could get hammered and not have to face the consequences of my actions because nobody would ever know.
Of course, it doesn't work that way. I'd usually get too trashed and I'd miss calls, or do things I absolutely shouldn't be doing (like driving drunk, going out to bars, coming home the next morning, etc.). I'd miss work the next day, call in an hour after I should have been there still drunk and saying I am sick. Frantically looking for my wallet, frantically checking my phone and seeing 12 missed calls and text messages from my fiance suggesting in very direct terms that it's "over". I can never go through that again, it makes me feel physically ill to remember those times. It's like the alcohol took over. I think I was panicky because I needed to feel connected to someone, I needed human contact or whatever. Just drinking alone in my apartment never really cut it when I was home alone and thought I could get away with going out. And of course, nothing ever good resulted from me going out, because I'd get into conversations at the sleazy bar that I absolutely shouldn't have been getting into conversations with, and that ended up badly.
Anyway, I don't know what it was. I don't feel this way anymore. I think I just realized that drinking wasn't an option for me. I'm not physically able to drink alcohol in any safe manner. It's just not something I'm wired for, I just don't have the body chemistry and genetic makeup to be able to do that. I've seen the movie before, and I know exactly how it ends. And it's fine, ya know?
I just think you should realize this too. It's what really helped me. I think you'll feel very good about yourself if you maintain your path when your fiance is gone, and when he comes home and everything is fine, you'll be happy with yourself that you "proved" you can make it alone. At the same time, you'll prove it to him, too, and it'll build a little bit of street cred for yourself.
Wishing you the best!
You totally sound like me. When my fiance would leave and go away for a couple of days, it's like a panic happened in my brain and I kept thinking about how I might as well get trashed because nobody would ever know. It's happened so many times. It's like I was thinking I would be wasting an opportunity to get drunk and do whatever I wanted, that I could get hammered and not have to face the consequences of my actions because nobody would ever know.
Of course, it doesn't work that way. I'd usually get too trashed and I'd miss calls, or do things I absolutely shouldn't be doing (like driving drunk, going out to bars, coming home the next morning, etc.). I'd miss work the next day, call in an hour after I should have been there still drunk and saying I am sick. Frantically looking for my wallet, frantically checking my phone and seeing 12 missed calls and text messages from my fiance suggesting in very direct terms that it's "over". I can never go through that again, it makes me feel physically ill to remember those times. It's like the alcohol took over. I think I was panicky because I needed to feel connected to someone, I needed human contact or whatever. Just drinking alone in my apartment never really cut it when I was home alone and thought I could get away with going out. And of course, nothing ever good resulted from me going out, because I'd get into conversations at the sleazy bar that I absolutely shouldn't have been getting into conversations with, and that ended up badly.
Anyway, I don't know what it was. I don't feel this way anymore. I think I just realized that drinking wasn't an option for me. I'm not physically able to drink alcohol in any safe manner. It's just not something I'm wired for, I just don't have the body chemistry and genetic makeup to be able to do that. I've seen the movie before, and I know exactly how it ends. And it's fine, ya know?
I just think you should realize this too. It's what really helped me. I think you'll feel very good about yourself if you maintain your path when your fiance is gone, and when he comes home and everything is fine, you'll be happy with yourself that you "proved" you can make it alone. At the same time, you'll prove it to him, too, and it'll build a little bit of street cred for yourself.
Wishing you the best!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I know what's going through your head Myrrah. I lived with a girl when my drinking became a huge problem. She would often travel for work and then come home from the airport to find me passed out from a 3 day binge. For me it was about being able to get away with it. Final binge at our place was the police waking me up and the end of our relationship. Can you call a friend up to stay with or see family?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Originally Posted by Judas
Mrryah,
You totally sound like me. When my fiance would leave and go away for a couple of days, it's like a panic happened in my brain and I kept thinking about how I might as well get trashed because nobody would ever know. It's happened so many times. It's like I was thinking I would be wasting an opportunity to get drunk and do whatever I wanted, that I could get hammered and not have to face the consequences of my actions because nobody would ever know.
Of course, it doesn't work that way. I'd usually get too trashed and I'd miss calls, or do things I absolutely shouldn't be doing (like driving drunk, going out to bars, coming home the next morning, etc.). I'd miss work the next day, call in an hour after I should have been there still drunk and saying I am sick. Frantically looking for my wallet, frantically checking my phone and seeing 12 missed calls and text messages from my fiance suggesting in very direct terms that it's "over". I can never go through that again, it makes me feel physically ill to remember those times. It's like the alcohol took over. I think I was panicky because I needed to feel connected to someone, I needed human contact or whatever. Just drinking alone in my apartment never really cut it when I was home alone and thought I could get away with going out. And of course, nothing ever good resulted from me going out, because I'd get into conversations at the sleazy bar that I absolutely shouldn't have been getting into conversations with, and that ended up badly.
Wishing you the best!
You totally sound like me. When my fiance would leave and go away for a couple of days, it's like a panic happened in my brain and I kept thinking about how I might as well get trashed because nobody would ever know. It's happened so many times. It's like I was thinking I would be wasting an opportunity to get drunk and do whatever I wanted, that I could get hammered and not have to face the consequences of my actions because nobody would ever know.
Of course, it doesn't work that way. I'd usually get too trashed and I'd miss calls, or do things I absolutely shouldn't be doing (like driving drunk, going out to bars, coming home the next morning, etc.). I'd miss work the next day, call in an hour after I should have been there still drunk and saying I am sick. Frantically looking for my wallet, frantically checking my phone and seeing 12 missed calls and text messages from my fiance suggesting in very direct terms that it's "over". I can never go through that again, it makes me feel physically ill to remember those times. It's like the alcohol took over. I think I was panicky because I needed to feel connected to someone, I needed human contact or whatever. Just drinking alone in my apartment never really cut it when I was home alone and thought I could get away with going out. And of course, nothing ever good resulted from me going out, because I'd get into conversations at the sleazy bar that I absolutely shouldn't have been getting into conversations with, and that ended up badly.
Wishing you the best!
I could have written that myself.
Crazy :|
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 379
Mrrryah, I'm another one of those people who could have written this thread herself and I'm so proud of you for pulling yourself through last night; it would have taken *so much* strength and determination, and to you it probably feels like it could have gone either way. Maybe in some alternate universe the Mrrryah who made the wrong choice in currently lying in bed feeling horrible, with newly emptied accounts, regretting everything bitterly. But you're here, and you have nothing to regret last night, and that is great.
I'm really scared because my husband is going away tomorrow for two nights, and as with you, being left to my own devices triggers the crap out of me. I completely relate to what Judas said about thinking that you don't want to 'miss an opportunity' to drink without consequences. But there are always consequences, aren't there? The last time my husband went away, he came back to find me in bed and immobile in mid-afternoon, having done a bunch of cocaine with a bunch of horrible strangers all night, and I hadn't replied to his messages all day so he thought I was in serious trouble. The shame I felt was so intense, as was the physical pain.
And yet I'm still scared I'll screw up tomorrow. Solitude + me = alcohol has just been a fact for years. I'm going to have to draw up a rigid timetable for myself or something, and stalk SR obsessively.
Sorry, this hasn't been a very helpful post. I just relate so much I guess. This thread has helped a lot.
I'm really scared because my husband is going away tomorrow for two nights, and as with you, being left to my own devices triggers the crap out of me. I completely relate to what Judas said about thinking that you don't want to 'miss an opportunity' to drink without consequences. But there are always consequences, aren't there? The last time my husband went away, he came back to find me in bed and immobile in mid-afternoon, having done a bunch of cocaine with a bunch of horrible strangers all night, and I hadn't replied to his messages all day so he thought I was in serious trouble. The shame I felt was so intense, as was the physical pain.
And yet I'm still scared I'll screw up tomorrow. Solitude + me = alcohol has just been a fact for years. I'm going to have to draw up a rigid timetable for myself or something, and stalk SR obsessively.
Sorry, this hasn't been a very helpful post. I just relate so much I guess. This thread has helped a lot.
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