Saddler

Day 2 for me again and I need some help. Monday night I was feeling great, got it in my head that I wanted a small bottle of peppermint schnapps, one of the 2-shot size bottles. It just seemed like a really good idea, so harmless, and I really didn't think through all the trouble alcohol has brought me in the past - I just went and got it, and threw in another small bottle of cinnamon whiskey. Well these harmless little bottles turned into me drinking way too much, basically I didn't stop until Tuesday around 2PM. Needless to say, I felt horrible Wednesday, and today am just coming back to "normal".

If I sit around and think about "should I drink or not", I can just say no. Monday it was almost like someone else was in control when I went to the liquor store. I have not really experienced this before, just wondering if anyone has and can give me some advice on dealing with it.

For a while, I was keeping a journal of not just alcohol but all the problems I am trying to deal with, so yesterday afternoon I got that back out and wrote some of this down in it. I'm going to make myself read my entries every afternoon before I head home. I think that will help some, because some of my bad behavior and near-misses are right there in black and white.

least

Do you have any support in real life? I think that's crucial to be able to recover and stay sober for good. I saw a counselor, still do, and found it very helpful.

anattaboy

Saddler, you may check out the Secular Forums' "RR and AVRT Explained". It helped me better frame the conflicting thoughts of drinking and not into a workable dialogue with myself. Best wishes on getting back in the game.

Saddler

Not really any support, unless you count my parents who I have a difficult time talking to about anything much less alcohol. Usually I have so little time it seems - I work, come home, try to take care of my son the best I can - this is during the week. When I "go off the reservation" is usually when he is spending weekends with his mom or if he is out of school and I have a babysitter (like Tuesday).

Maybe feeling bored and lonely are triggers for me. And boy do I feel lonely these days.

Low

Alcohol is primarily a disease of the mind, so it is hard to get well with our minds alone as that is what is sick. AA describes what you went through perfectly, "a strange, mental block" when we have absolutely no mental defense against the first drink at different points in our lives, a moment in time where when we think of drinking, there is no fight whatsoever, no memory of the horrors of our drinking. Afterwards we ask ourselves what the hell happened? You've been a member here for awhile so sounds like you might relate. A deep change within is needed for most to succeed. You should try some meetings.

FreeOwl

the only way I got away from Autopilot was finally giving in and opening myself to active recovery and help through AA.

That helped me get down to the real business of recovery instead of more repeated failures at "Just don't drink".

Saddler

Question about AA: Do most people go to meetings "across town" so as to not run in to someone they know? There is a church close to my house that has meetings but I'm a little hesitant to go there.

Low

We alcoholics are a funny lot....we will drive drunk, let people see us falling down drunk, buy liquor publicly, etc. etc. but god forbid anyone see us getting help. Most people will go to one that is closest I think Saddler, consider it a gift that you have one close by.

FreeOwl

At first I worried about this too...

but then I stopped worrying about what others thought.

When I run into someone I know at a meeting, it's actually pretty cool. And the thing is; if they're in a meeting you've nothing to worry ABOUT. If it's on the way to or from a meeting... I simply smile and say "hey how's it going!!? Sorry, can't talk, off to an appointment!".

Give it a shot. Open your mind and let down your guard. If you're really worried about what anyone thinks, prepare a response. Something simple like "I have always been curious about what goes on at an AA meeting, so I've been checking them out....".

The person who is REALLY judging you.... the person you're actually worried about.... IS YOU.

FreeOwl

hahah!! exactly.

We happily spent years making a**es of ourselves in public. Doing things that people couldn't stand.... waking up ashamed.... hiding our 'problem' and denying it existed.... publicly making fools of ourselves and treating people poorly.

But OH. MY. GOD!!!!! To let someone find out we are trying to better ourselves and be a force of Good in the world???? THE HORROR!!!??

(PS - I'm not making fun of you... I'm making light of ME. Because that's exactly where I was for a long long time, and I'm now SO grateful I got over that ego crap and opened myself to simple willingness).

anattaboy

I've never had anyone judge me for going to meetings that I know of other than me. Folks trying to help themselves get a fairly unanimous thumbs-up by society. As far as the locals talking... they already are and always will. I say go to a meeting if it will help.

Nonsensical

That hesitation to get help comes from the same place that thought a little bottle of peppermint schnapps was a good idea.

The only inhibitions my addiction has surface when I think about getting help.

You can do this.