Acting As If......question
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Maybe I'm splitting hairs on words but I don't so much act "as if" so much as aiming for how I wish to behave. If a situation arises that makes me anxious or scared I consider how someone I admire would behave in the situation. I run the tape through in my mind and then try to emulate the behaviour, it's worked many times. Perhaps I am acting "as if", whatever it is it works for me.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I read about an experiment recently that seems somewhat related.
Some behavioral psychologists asked people to read some paragraphs and then answer questions about what they read and how it made them feel. They had half the people in the group hold a pencil in their mouths sideways, which pushes the face into an involuntary smile. They had the other half hold a pencil in their mouths by the end, forcing the face into an involuntary frown.
The group with the involuntary smiles gave answers that were measurably more positive and upbeat than the group with the involuntary frowns.
The point: WHAT you are doing impacts HOW you are doing, whether you are conscious of it or not.
Fake it 'til you make it? Sign me up!
Some behavioral psychologists asked people to read some paragraphs and then answer questions about what they read and how it made them feel. They had half the people in the group hold a pencil in their mouths sideways, which pushes the face into an involuntary smile. They had the other half hold a pencil in their mouths by the end, forcing the face into an involuntary frown.
The group with the involuntary smiles gave answers that were measurably more positive and upbeat than the group with the involuntary frowns.
The point: WHAT you are doing impacts HOW you are doing, whether you are conscious of it or not.
Fake it 'til you make it? Sign me up!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
I tried fake it till you make it.
Disaster awaited. My experience was not good.
"How are you hawks? "
"Oh yeah, fine, just great thanks"
Inside my head, I was anything but.
But I wasn't telling no one nothing, zip, zero, nada.
It's dishonesty.... Goes directly against one of the basic tenets of AA.... Honesty.
I'm not saying "unload" on anyone and everyone.... But I believe it's important to share my real feelings with AA folk when necessary.
It's a "safety valve" Kind of thing & it's being honest.
Disaster awaited. My experience was not good.
"How are you hawks? "
"Oh yeah, fine, just great thanks"
Inside my head, I was anything but.
But I wasn't telling no one nothing, zip, zero, nada.
It's dishonesty.... Goes directly against one of the basic tenets of AA.... Honesty.
I'm not saying "unload" on anyone and everyone.... But I believe it's important to share my real feelings with AA folk when necessary.
It's a "safety valve" Kind of thing & it's being honest.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i had to learn how to hold my head up as i was always looking down at my shoes
my sponsor told me to go around counting roof tops whenever i go out for a walk etc, this i did and before i knew it i had learned a new habbit of keeping my head held up it was so hard to do at the start as i always wanted to look down and never look up in case i might see someone or somthing like that
from there i had to start to greet people saying good morning to them lol i would always refuse to do these sorts of silly things my sponsor would throw at me but i had faith in what he was doing so i gave it a try
i thought people would think i was a nutter going around saying good morning or good day but to my amazement people said good morning back to me or gave me a smile
again after doing this over and over i got another new habbit in my life so i no longer look down at my shoes and i could look at people and greet them : )
none of those things i ever wanted to do but i had to just give it a go
on and on i have have learned things and my faith in change is a strong one as i know it can be done as i have had to do it
sharing at aa meetings and getting honest about me, trying to lose my many masks i can wear outside was one of the hardest things to do, as i was always to busy in my own head trying to look good for anyone i was a huge fake really as a person so trying to rip that mask off was huge
today i am free from that and i have had to learn every step of the way how to do things differently
but i will never be totaly free from it all, i am working on trying to be not such a know all
and that is a hard thing to do as i am mr perfect : ) or in my own head i am until an aa memeber gives me a quick kick up the old ego bum
so yes try out different things along your own journey its your journey after all its not my journey
good luck to you
my sponsor told me to go around counting roof tops whenever i go out for a walk etc, this i did and before i knew it i had learned a new habbit of keeping my head held up it was so hard to do at the start as i always wanted to look down and never look up in case i might see someone or somthing like that
from there i had to start to greet people saying good morning to them lol i would always refuse to do these sorts of silly things my sponsor would throw at me but i had faith in what he was doing so i gave it a try
i thought people would think i was a nutter going around saying good morning or good day but to my amazement people said good morning back to me or gave me a smile
again after doing this over and over i got another new habbit in my life so i no longer look down at my shoes and i could look at people and greet them : )
none of those things i ever wanted to do but i had to just give it a go
on and on i have have learned things and my faith in change is a strong one as i know it can be done as i have had to do it
sharing at aa meetings and getting honest about me, trying to lose my many masks i can wear outside was one of the hardest things to do, as i was always to busy in my own head trying to look good for anyone i was a huge fake really as a person so trying to rip that mask off was huge
today i am free from that and i have had to learn every step of the way how to do things differently
but i will never be totaly free from it all, i am working on trying to be not such a know all
and that is a hard thing to do as i am mr perfect : ) or in my own head i am until an aa memeber gives me a quick kick up the old ego bum
so yes try out different things along your own journey its your journey after all its not my journey
good luck to you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 96
Courage2 I do not like social engagements either (2 family ones this weekend and I am breathing deep). Saying that, I am willing to try new things and if it doesn't work for me so be it. No cookie cutter life for me. I stayed in active drinking for too long trying to be what others want me to be. Singing now, I Got To Be Me (I now have to define who that is). Off to work. Great post, great ideas, great insight...I love this place
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I personally don't see why sharing our real negative feelings with the people around us AND acting in a way that confronts these emotions and does not let them get in the way of a positive and constructive action would be mutually exclusive. It goes back to another frequent topic here on SR: expressing vulnerability. It depends on the situation of course, I probably would not do it too often in my professional life. But I think I do this all the time in personal life, with people I trust. I do it in my therapists' office. It also depends on the emotion.
More examples:
I am really anxious about discussing something or doing something I might want to but it makes me feel insecure, with my significant other. Or something s/he asks me but I'm feeling uncomfortable. I would often tell them straight that I am feeling anxious and insecure, but let's do it because I want to do it and I think it would be good and/or necessary. Did this a zillion times in relationships, not even being conscious that it's a "technique".
When I was an undergrad and had to give my first few talks in front of my peers, colleagues, professors, whoever, I was really nervous. I could not hide it the first few times it was so obvious. I apologized for being nervous and asked them to help me with tips how to overcome it. Then practiced. It's a learning experience and they were there not only to listen but also to teach me how to deal with a new situation that I'd chosen to deal with.
Of course it's not a good idea to push ourselves like this all the time, and I believe it depends on the individual how much challenge and change each of us needs/wants. And I think it always works best in combination with the right dose and type of acceptance.
More examples:
I am really anxious about discussing something or doing something I might want to but it makes me feel insecure, with my significant other. Or something s/he asks me but I'm feeling uncomfortable. I would often tell them straight that I am feeling anxious and insecure, but let's do it because I want to do it and I think it would be good and/or necessary. Did this a zillion times in relationships, not even being conscious that it's a "technique".
When I was an undergrad and had to give my first few talks in front of my peers, colleagues, professors, whoever, I was really nervous. I could not hide it the first few times it was so obvious. I apologized for being nervous and asked them to help me with tips how to overcome it. Then practiced. It's a learning experience and they were there not only to listen but also to teach me how to deal with a new situation that I'd chosen to deal with.
Of course it's not a good idea to push ourselves like this all the time, and I believe it depends on the individual how much challenge and change each of us needs/wants. And I think it always works best in combination with the right dose and type of acceptance.
Trudgin
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by courage2 
My sponsor has given me a copy of that book. I'm reading it but I remain myself -- ambivalent and skeptical. Maybe those are some of my rocks but they've saved my life once or twice.
For me, simply asking to have my shortcomings removed seems very passive. Now I do understand that those may or may not ever change or be removed. It's not always up to me.
But, for me - I need to take action in some way. If a mountain is to be moved, I need to grab a shovel - so to speak.
As I mentioned, tolerance is an issue for me. I simply have not been around groups with a lot of diversity.
So, for now acting as if, I believe is being proactive and helps with my shortcomings in this area. And this has worked!
kind regards,
fly
Trudgin
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by desypete
i had to learn how to hold my head up as i was always looking down at my shoes.
i had to start to greet people saying good morning to them lol i would always refuse to do these sorts of silly things my sponsor would throw at me but i had faith in what he was doing so i gave it a try
i thought people would think i was a nutter going around saying good morning or good day but to my amazement people said good morning back to me or gave me a smile
again after doing this over and over i got another new habbit in my life so i no longer look down at my shoes and i could look at people and greet them : )
none of those things i ever wanted to do but i had to just give it a go
on and on i have have learned things and my faith in change is a strong one as i know it can be done as i have had to do it
today i am free from that and i have had to learn every step of the way how to do things differently
i had to start to greet people saying good morning to them lol i would always refuse to do these sorts of silly things my sponsor would throw at me but i had faith in what he was doing so i gave it a try
i thought people would think i was a nutter going around saying good morning or good day but to my amazement people said good morning back to me or gave me a smile
again after doing this over and over i got another new habbit in my life so i no longer look down at my shoes and i could look at people and greet them : )
none of those things i ever wanted to do but i had to just give it a go
on and on i have have learned things and my faith in change is a strong one as i know it can be done as i have had to do it
today i am free from that and i have had to learn every step of the way how to do things differently
This is a great example! Thank you for sharing your experience.
I started sitting at meetings next to those that old fly would have scoffed at or simply been indifferent towards. I listened intently to what they had to say. In short order I found that my mind and heart was opening up to others more and more. Having the faith and taking some level of action to change is a huge key.
Thanks for the insight!
fly
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
That's a good example of "acting better than you feel" in public Pete.
I've been advised the same kind of thing.
Surprisingly good results most of the time.
Supermarket check out is another good place to practice it.
I've been advised the same kind of thing.
Surprisingly good results most of the time.
Supermarket check out is another good place to practice it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: mountain states, Montana and Wyoming
Posts: 246
I see both sides to this question. When I have to do something, whether I want to or not I tell myself, well, you have to do it so you might as well enjoy it. Sort of like having to wait for someone at the airport, I have to wait, it will take an hour or two, so why not make the best of it and read a book, people watch, hit the airport café for coffee etc.
IRT social situations, I have tried diligently to be very social for the last couple of years. I would not and did not turn down any invitations to be social. Told myself, you have to go, so why not enjoy it. So I went. The last couple of months have been without alcohol. Well I was assuming the drinking is what caused me to be non social, but it was not. I just don't like people that much. I hate small talk, I love talking about politics, economics, the market, religion, socialism vs capitalism, etc. But I cant stand to just be social for the sake of being social. Told my wife after hitting three Halloween parties that I was effectively done being social unless it was with people who had more to talk about.
I can and do talk about many things, but I just cant do the small talk. Anyway I have used the acting as if with much success. In business people always asked me how are you? Excellent! Even if I was not well, I told them I was excellent and it helped 99% of the time. If you tell people you are not well, most don't care and then the pity party takes off. Self pity. Woo is me sort of stuff.
I do think when given an opportunity to try something new, it is imperative to start with a clean slate and get excited for it. You only live once, but if you live right, once is enough. It is hard to live right if you start out with a negative attitude and fear things which you do not know.
IRT social situations, I have tried diligently to be very social for the last couple of years. I would not and did not turn down any invitations to be social. Told myself, you have to go, so why not enjoy it. So I went. The last couple of months have been without alcohol. Well I was assuming the drinking is what caused me to be non social, but it was not. I just don't like people that much. I hate small talk, I love talking about politics, economics, the market, religion, socialism vs capitalism, etc. But I cant stand to just be social for the sake of being social. Told my wife after hitting three Halloween parties that I was effectively done being social unless it was with people who had more to talk about.
I can and do talk about many things, but I just cant do the small talk. Anyway I have used the acting as if with much success. In business people always asked me how are you? Excellent! Even if I was not well, I told them I was excellent and it helped 99% of the time. If you tell people you are not well, most don't care and then the pity party takes off. Self pity. Woo is me sort of stuff.
I do think when given an opportunity to try something new, it is imperative to start with a clean slate and get excited for it. You only live once, but if you live right, once is enough. It is hard to live right if you start out with a negative attitude and fear things which you do not know.
Trudgin
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by haennie
I personally don't see why sharing our real negative feelings with the people around us AND acting in a way that confronts these emotions and does not let them get in the way of a positive and constructive action would be mutually exclusive. It goes back to another frequent topic here on SR: expressing vulnerability. It depends on the situation of course, I probably would not do it too often in my professional life. But I think I do this all the time in personal life, with people I trust. I do it in my therapists' office. It also depends on the emotion.
More examples:
I am really anxious about discussing something or doing something I might want to but it makes me feel insecure, with my significant other. Or something s/he asks me but I'm feeling uncomfortable. I would often tell them straight that I am feeling anxious and insecure, but let's do it because I want to do it and I think it would be good and/or necessary. Did this a zillion times in relationships, not even being conscious that it's a "technique".
When I was an undergrad and had to give my first few talks in front of my peers, colleagues, professors, whoever, I was really nervous. I could not hide it the first few times it was so obvious. I apologized for being nervous and asked them to help me with tips how to overcome it. Then practiced. It's a learning experience and they were there not only to listen but also to teach me how to deal with a new situation that I'd chosen to deal with.
Of course it's not a good idea to push ourselves like this all the time, and I believe it depends on the individual how much challenge and change each of us needs/wants. And I think it always works best in combination with the right dose and type of acceptance.
More examples:
I am really anxious about discussing something or doing something I might want to but it makes me feel insecure, with my significant other. Or something s/he asks me but I'm feeling uncomfortable. I would often tell them straight that I am feeling anxious and insecure, but let's do it because I want to do it and I think it would be good and/or necessary. Did this a zillion times in relationships, not even being conscious that it's a "technique".
When I was an undergrad and had to give my first few talks in front of my peers, colleagues, professors, whoever, I was really nervous. I could not hide it the first few times it was so obvious. I apologized for being nervous and asked them to help me with tips how to overcome it. Then practiced. It's a learning experience and they were there not only to listen but also to teach me how to deal with a new situation that I'd chosen to deal with.
Of course it's not a good idea to push ourselves like this all the time, and I believe it depends on the individual how much challenge and change each of us needs/wants. And I think it always works best in combination with the right dose and type of acceptance.
As alcoholics in our old lives we saw things as black or white. For me, there is a lot of grey to open our hearts and minds to .......
Glad you responded with some feedback as I appreciate all responses that I allow to be visible
( maybe someday I will grow enough to use the un-ignore button those whose replies are always like crabs in a barrel! - They always think yes or no, black or white....snap, snap, snap....)
thanks,
Fly
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