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My heart aches so badly

Old 11-06-2014, 10:38 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I am pleased to read that there has been developments since your first post..that seem positive right?

I find it interesting how codependency has reared its head..well, how can it not? It is my understanding that at the heart of every addict lies codependency. Makes sense doesn't it...isn't it just another form of addiction, no?

Near the end of my last brief relationship...what's become glaringly, embarrassingly obvious was my codependency. Although I had been hurt...deeply about a behaviour....I negated and discounted that hurt...I dismissed what I felt..so much so..that I was willing to overlook that painful hurt and what I knew to be true...just to reattach...just to be validated...just to get the "good stuff" back..the connection.

I abandoned my self when I felt like I was in the process of being abandoned. I know realize why and how I didn't trust my gut nor the searing pain that daggered my heart...when I knew what I knew...that day. You don't feel that kind of pain...by accident. The energy was all amok...everything was all amok.

Where is the fine line of caring for another whilst caring for ourselves? I have tremendous issues with that...knowing whose pain to feel empathy and compassion for? Who is to be there for who? I have no idea anymore.

I mean hurting people hurt people right? Where do I end and another begins? Geez...I don't know the answers to any of these.
Guess that's why I need to stay on my own for a great while.

Look forward to your update LTV.
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:45 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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You all are just so grand you never will know how great you all are.. so the happy Birthday is for a new life that starts every day and the funny dog is for the laughter that comes thro the tears.. prayers and so proud of how brave you all are .. ardy..
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Old 11-08-2014, 07:49 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
pray for strength
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Location: New England
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"You must chill"

Sobriety means taking myself by the lapels and being my own Keymaster Lloyd.



The past few days I have said "no" and defined new boundaries where few existed before. This has allowed my brain to stop bouncing around like the Yoda character in Angry Birds Star Wars. My emotional well being is up to me to protect right now at 7 months-ish sober so I can be the calm and kind person I am capable of being instead of the raving loony I am equally capable of being. Everyone benefits! Win-Win. I'm learning and it can be a painstaking process for everyone around me.

Thanks again for the support and hugs during my moment of being "a woman on the brink." This is definitely the hard part of sobriety for me. First recognizing and then cleaning up the mess I left behind before I started halting the growing up process with alcohol.

Haennie, your words about guilt and dissonance resonate heavily with me and have been instrumental in taking steps the past few days. I do not operate in a vacuum and my behavior and responses in life affect not only me, but the people I love around me. Growth happens with the people in my life and not in spite of them.

We are all learning, hey? This is great journey. Thanks.
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Old 11-08-2014, 10:42 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
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The music changed in your dance of life, so everyone is awkwardly trying to find their rhythm again. I think you will all get your groove back. Xoxo
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