ArtFriend

I realize this is not a psychology forum...but I have been struggling with handling things in almost every arena from financial to emotional to mental... it has worn me down and I have slipped and had a few drinks over the past month. It is like one step forward and two back. I keep trying.

So, here is a current situation. It may not seem like a huge thing, and maybe it isn't, but since my nerves are so raw it feels like it. I have a friend who I have known for 40 years (god, am I THAT old?)... anyway, our friendship has waxed and waned over time. Currently, she has been turning to me with her problems. The issue latest issue is that she has been living with this guy (not married) in HIS small, dark and dumpy condo for 5 years. The agreement was they were going to get a house together after 2 years, but he reneged. Anyway, she has been depressed, hurt, etc. because he won't move. He throws tantrums whenever she brings this up. I helped her through all this and said she needed to assert her needs, etc. So....I have been her counselor for about a year now.

I just got this very short email from her today saying "we found a house and are moving in Dec." That is it!! No details, no nothing. I write back I would like details about how this came about...nothing. I feel very hurt by this since I spent many hours dealing with this and now I am shut out of it.

So... I am again unbalanced emotionally by this. Thoughts?? Am I over reacting to this?

Soberpotamus

ArtFriend, I think that you don't need to be concerned about this situation right now. Your sobriety needs to be the #1 focus.

I think that by shifting focus to this drama, it takes the focus off you temporarily. And I know that sometimes I have a tendency to shift, evade, and feel a need to "escape" my own issues... maybe some of that is going on for you?

Just my thoughts on it...

But by all means, vent what you need to

ArtFriend

Perhaps you are right Jennie. Its just that I spent all that time and energy on her stuff and then get "kicked in the virtual teeth". People can be so very selfish at times.

And... just thought of this. She has no clue about what I am going through. Doesn't know I am struggling with drinking and all the other myriad of things. She never asks because she doesn't show any interest. It is all about her. My fault I guess.

trachemys

No, this isn't a psych forum.

Yes, you are that old now.

You know she's stayed with this guy for 5 years in a squalid hovel and you're surprised she's got tunnel vision now that they're moving?

C'mon.

Aellyce

Hi ArtFriend, yeah probably you are overreacting on this because you are feeling vulnerable in general right now. She may just be busy today. Or anything. And people don't always return our favors and compassion when we would want/need it.

I did this too: go crazy in my head waiting for someone's response and it makes me very uneasy when it does not come. It's like a form of withdrawal, really. I learned the really hard way not to obsess about it and to shift my focus. Interaction can also sometimes be addictive... Change your focus, do something!

fantail

ArtFriend, I'd be hurt too... it sucks to feel like your friendship is only valuable in times of crises.

But I'd try to look at it with a little detachment right now. She's been waiting for this to happen for a really, really long time and has clearly been really distraught over it. Right now she's probably going through a huge shift in her relationship... maybe she's over the moon and totally focusing her energy within the relationship, or maybe she's grappling with the reality of this new commitment, or maybe there's tension in the relationship over this move that's taking a lot of her focus... in any case, it's not great to lean on your friends and then go MIA, but most of us do it from time to time. I'd try not to read into it too much and then when she gets back in touch, gently let her know a little bit how you felt. For now, it sounds like you've done what you can.

You're still OK to be miffed in my book, though.

JanieJ

Artfriend, sounds like you did a lot for her without also getting your own needs met.

I think Jennie has some wise words for you there, I know I do that too.

Resentment is a big drink trigger. Don't fall for it x

ArtFriend

Great points everyone (except turtle guy...talkin' 'bout my age...thems fightin' words). It's odd to feel so vulnerable and almost paranoid! Janie, yes, resentment is a HUGE trigger and I find myself resenting more and more...don't get it either. Sober time is not supposed to be so upsetting.

ArtFriend

Thank you very much for the validation!

SoberLeigh

I am sorry that your friend has hurt you.

Lots of really good advice here, ArtFriend.

It hurts to give and give and then be shut out (been there).

Maybe just let this one ride for a while and watch how it plays out.

Your sobriety is #1.

ScottFromWI

You are assuming a lot here ArtFriend. It's possible she didn't have time to write more. It's possible her BF didn't want her to say more. It's possible she was really busy and wanted to call but didn't. It's possible she is being narrow minded and didn't feel the need to say any more. Really just about anything is possible - and they all have a common theme.....they are beyond your control.

Chances are you'll be hearing a lot more about it all in due time, but right now your sobriety should be of the utmost concern. You mention that you've been drinking again on and off this month...don't let other people's problems drag you back down into full time drinking again. We're here to help...lean on SR as you are doing now and use it to help yourself.

trachemys

I can't accept that I'm as old as I am some days. It really flummoxes me. How did I get this old? Where did all the years go? Well, I know.

Soberwolf

Like others have said focus on your sobriety Artfriend

ArtFriend

I haven't mentioned this, but my alcoholic brother called and wanted to know if he could move in with me for a few months until he "got his s**t together". He is out of money, his GF moved out and he is behind on his rent. He lives in Rhode Island and I am in Texas...huge move.

I told him no. I offered several alternatives for him. Borrow from his adult kids, move in with one of his kids, move to a cheaper place, negotiate with the landlord, get help from the state or social services.

He called me every name in the book. I am a selfish (insert your own epithet). He even said that I was selfish because I took care of my mother, but not him.

So... that really bothered me and has kept me a bit off center. And then I have all these medical tests that are making me scared. A lot of issues. They don't resolve and pile up. I KNOW drinking is not the answer but what IS the answer? Sobriety? Where I can see all this crap in clarity?

Hawks

Major over reaction.

I'd suguest Send an email saying "I'm so glad you have finally gotten a house, you must be thrilled, doesn't matter how it happened, the important thing is that it did..... Love ArtFriend "

Or something like that.

Sometimes you just have to support and be there for people and not be attached to the inner details of their lives too much.

Good luck with it all

trachemys

AF, they only pile up if you give them resistance. Let them flow on by. Clarity comes from watching this flow of life and assessing it objectively.

ScottFromWI

The answer is to start taking care of yourself first. That means making your life as simple as you can so you can concentrate on your sobriety and health. Turning down your brother's request is an EXCELLENT example of a good decision to help you keep things simple. Not worrying about things beyond your control ( like your friend that moved, what your brother thinks of you, etc ) also helps.

Have you considered local support at all? Sometimes being around others with the same issues and goals can be a big advantage.

Keep in mind that if you are still drinking on and off, you really aren't giving your body and mind any time to really clear. In a sense, every time you take a drink you "reset" your brain to a certain extent - and all the withdrawals, anxiety and depression reset along with it, even if you don't have physical withdrawals. It sounds cliche, but you really need to get a good several weeks of complete abstinace under your belt before you can move forward.

Verte

Oh Artfriend...great advice and support given. Just want reinforce the need to guard you and your sobriety! Whatever it takes.

Drinking will not provide clarity, just make it more of a poop storm.

Clarity will come. When clarity comes you will be able to see the blessing in receiving a one line email from your friend of 40 years. You will also see the blessing in being able to say 'no' to your brother without internalizing the poop storm that follows.

You are doing great. No drinking! Huge accomplishment.

Dee74

All the good advice got doled out before I got here

Definitely focus on yourself and your recovery AF. You addicted self will try and get you riled about just about everything - it's used to doing that cos thats when you drank - but the situations different now

D

luvmygirls

I think you've gotten some great advice to constructively detach from this situation, and focus on yourself and your sobriety. Do you have relationships in your life that are supportive and reciprocal? If so, I would give more attention to cultivating those rather than focusing on the ones that trigger resentment and (possibly?) self-pity.