Can I vent a tiny bit?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I always thought that being an alcoholic meant that I had natural immunity to being codependent. Well, nope, that is not the case.
Lots of alcoholics can be codependent.
I see some warning flags of codependency in your post, the role you took on as being a counselor, the little ownership you would like to have of the situation, the over involvement in problems that maybe aren't directly your problems. Codependent.
Sorry that might have gotten a little blunt at the end, but I could easily be describing myself there.
A realistic assessment of where your problems realistically begin and end is one of the first solid steps towards lasting sobriety. Should you be giving yourself such a big piece of this problem that it is making you upset? I think you know the answer.
And remember, dust off the embers, don't blow on them: an alcoholic and a normie are standing around the campfire. Embers fly onto the clothing of the normie, who calmly brushes them away. The alcoholic blows and fans the embers until their clothes are on fire!
Lots of alcoholics can be codependent.
I see some warning flags of codependency in your post, the role you took on as being a counselor, the little ownership you would like to have of the situation, the over involvement in problems that maybe aren't directly your problems. Codependent.
Sorry that might have gotten a little blunt at the end, but I could easily be describing myself there.
A realistic assessment of where your problems realistically begin and end is one of the first solid steps towards lasting sobriety. Should you be giving yourself such a big piece of this problem that it is making you upset? I think you know the answer.
And remember, dust off the embers, don't blow on them: an alcoholic and a normie are standing around the campfire. Embers fly onto the clothing of the normie, who calmly brushes them away. The alcoholic blows and fans the embers until their clothes are on fire!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 101
Hi ArtFriend,
Sorry about the issues with your brother. You made the right choice by setting boundaries and not letting him move in with you. Having an alcoholic brother live with you would be an additional threat to your sobriety. I know what he said bothered you, but just keep remembering that he’s an alcoholic who is desperately trying to manipulate you into doing something that is not good for you.
My advice is to try not to worry about any medical tests until you actually get back results that are actually worrisome. Many people on SR have admitted to worrying about medical tests and the results eventually came back better than expected.
I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and one of the things that I’ve learned to do is sort through the things that are worrying me and discard the things that I have no control over. Right now that might mean discarding the anxiety you have about your brother and the medical tests. Focus only on the things that you have some level of control over. One thing you do have a bit of control over is drinking, although it can be very difficult.
Also, what are some of the things that you might do to help you relax; e.g. meditation, yoga, a good book? For me it’s a long relaxing walk followed by a bubble bath. Watching funny movies with happy endings are another way I relaxed. Take some time to pamper yourself and focus on your needs and your mental and physical health as much as possible right now.
And yes, vent on SR whenever you need to.
Sorry about the issues with your brother. You made the right choice by setting boundaries and not letting him move in with you. Having an alcoholic brother live with you would be an additional threat to your sobriety. I know what he said bothered you, but just keep remembering that he’s an alcoholic who is desperately trying to manipulate you into doing something that is not good for you.
My advice is to try not to worry about any medical tests until you actually get back results that are actually worrisome. Many people on SR have admitted to worrying about medical tests and the results eventually came back better than expected.
I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and one of the things that I’ve learned to do is sort through the things that are worrying me and discard the things that I have no control over. Right now that might mean discarding the anxiety you have about your brother and the medical tests. Focus only on the things that you have some level of control over. One thing you do have a bit of control over is drinking, although it can be very difficult.
Also, what are some of the things that you might do to help you relax; e.g. meditation, yoga, a good book? For me it’s a long relaxing walk followed by a bubble bath. Watching funny movies with happy endings are another way I relaxed. Take some time to pamper yourself and focus on your needs and your mental and physical health as much as possible right now.
And yes, vent on SR whenever you need to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Ok, just wanna make one more comment about my friend, and then I will shut up. We have been communicating fairly regularly (every couple of days) via email. One would think that during that time she was out looking for houses, etc. that she would have clued me in. She said nothing. It is what it is, but I am pissed. End of story for now.
Yes, you are all right. That is why I hang out here lol. Very wise people who have been there. I am still a newbie and taking baby steps. Angry I can't get this under control yet. I did make the right decision regarding my brother. That I know. But, I am sad that he is in this predicament... and sad that we cannot have a normal caring friendship like we used to have. I keep waiting for that "perfect time" when all is great and I THEN can focus on not drinking. I know...there never is a perfect time. But there are better times than others, right?
Turtle - how do you just let things flow without any reaction?
Scott and Dee - I get what you are saying. It is so hard to implement.
JoSharon - I do have very supportive friends but I lost some friends when I announced that I was quitting booze.
Yes, you are all right. That is why I hang out here lol. Very wise people who have been there. I am still a newbie and taking baby steps. Angry I can't get this under control yet. I did make the right decision regarding my brother. That I know. But, I am sad that he is in this predicament... and sad that we cannot have a normal caring friendship like we used to have. I keep waiting for that "perfect time" when all is great and I THEN can focus on not drinking. I know...there never is a perfect time. But there are better times than others, right?
Turtle - how do you just let things flow without any reaction?
Scott and Dee - I get what you are saying. It is so hard to implement.
JoSharon - I do have very supportive friends but I lost some friends when I announced that I was quitting booze.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 14
Good for you for standing up for yourself and telling your brother he could not move in with you! That could not have been easy. I have struggled with my relationship with my older brother for so many years, I know it has taken a toll on me with all the stress. (& no doubt my husband is tired of it). Yet still I could never bring myself to be honest with him b/c I always worried about hurting his feelings (he has always been extremely moody & oversensitive). Realize how strong you can be, you're inspiring me!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I have always had very high expectations of myself. I would beat myself up constantly for failing to reach those standards I set.
Often I would unconsciously apply those expectations to my friends and resent them for 'failing' too.
In recovery I resigned as General Manager of the Universe
I'm less beat up, less stressed and funnily enough things run way more smoothly now
D
Often I would unconsciously apply those expectations to my friends and resent them for 'failing' too.
In recovery I resigned as General Manager of the Universe
I'm less beat up, less stressed and funnily enough things run way more smoothly now
D
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by ArtFriend 
Perhaps you are right Jennie. Its just that I spent all that time and energy on her stuff and then get "kicked in the virtual teeth". People can be so very selfish at times.
And... just thought of this. She has no clue about what I am going through. Doesn't know I am struggling with drinking and all the other myriad of things. She never asks because she doesn't show any interest. It is all about her. My fault I guess.
And... just thought of this. She has no clue about what I am going through. Doesn't know I am struggling with drinking and all the other myriad of things. She never asks because she doesn't show any interest. It is all about her. My fault I guess.
Right? Also... I'd be reluctant to keep giving of myself to someone who doesn't care enough or take time enough to reciprocate that concern, you know?
For her, it probably IS all about her. And it is NOT your "fault"... but if you do keep spending your precious time on her (time and energy that could be spent on you and your sobriety), you are choosing to be "ok" with whatever she dishes out, or doesn't dish out. What she gives back to you is ultimately her choice, of course.
Sooooo... there ya go
Maybe take a step back from her and her drama, see how she responds... and use that energy on YOU.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Dee- I took over the job of Master of the Universe when you quit. Except I am Mistress of the Universe. (sounds kinda kinky eh?)
Bailey - Thank you and I am glad this conversation is inspiring someone. It was very hard to tell him no. But two drunks living together? OMG!
Littlefish - I know I am codependent, so no offense taken. It is among something I am working on among other things.
Alaska Chick - I also think I have developed GAD over time. I do worry over everything!
Bailey - Thank you and I am glad this conversation is inspiring someone. It was very hard to tell him no. But two drunks living together? OMG!
Littlefish - I know I am codependent, so no offense taken. It is among something I am working on among other things.
Alaska Chick - I also think I have developed GAD over time. I do worry over everything!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
If I was living in Dallas, I'd be happy as a pig in mud.
Because I could go see these guys & gals
http://www.ppgaadallas.org/
Midway Hills Christian Church
11001 Midway Road
Dallas, TX 75229
(2 blocks north of Royal Lane)
Thursday @ 7:30 PM - Big Book Study and Foundation Meeting.
Women - Contact Cindy M. [email protected]
If you would like to turn your ship around Artfriend .... these people will give you all the help you need .... and some.
Because I could go see these guys & gals
http://www.ppgaadallas.org/
Midway Hills Christian Church
11001 Midway Road
Dallas, TX 75229
(2 blocks north of Royal Lane)
Thursday @ 7:30 PM - Big Book Study and Foundation Meeting.
Women - Contact Cindy M. [email protected]
If you would like to turn your ship around Artfriend .... these people will give you all the help you need .... and some.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Thank you all very much!
Jennie - that really does make sense...I have always given more than got with her. When you quantify energy spent, I guess it should be on fixing myself first
Jennie - that really does make sense...I have always given more than got with her. When you quantify energy spent, I guess it should be on fixing myself first
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by ArtFriend
Turtle - how do you just let things flow without any reaction?
Did I make any sense? I sometimes don't know.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manchester
Posts: 104
I have gone all out for some of my so called friends over the years. Very rarely has any of them gone all out for me, those that have I can count on half a hand. The past is in the past, move on. Your sobriety is your new best friend.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
