retiredusaf

Gather all your strength and pour it............down the drain.

Venecia

Mera,

I'm sorry you're hurting. And drinking.

Today, a member with a lot of sobriety retrieved an old post to share in the Alcoholism forum. It's a reflection on getting through the first year of sobriety. I thought it was brilliant. Perhaps there is some wisdom here for you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2484516

You can do this, Mera. But something has to change.

All my best.

V.

HeartsAfire

So much sage, tested, tried & true advice here, Mera. Please take the time to let it soak in.

Bottom line is something has to change. Your actions HAVE to match your words. As I've seen it written here time after time, wanting sobriety is not enough. If it were you would have years of sobriety under your belt by now. I know you want this. I know you can beat this. What are you going to change to ensure you get it?

You are worth this, Mera. I believe that with all my heart. I hope you do too.

Xoxo.

Nuudawn

People don't fail...plans (or lack thereof) do...

Yes...I believe the pressure was cooking in the pot before the pot blew. Often our relapses are a while in the making. I remember my therapist advising me (via diagrams) about "addiction road"...it starts to gather steam or gather moss or whatever..and there are points along the way you can head it off...release some pressure...and if you don't..

Your addiction will come at you like a freight train. Keep connected to your sobriety every way you can. I like LOTS of tools myself...

Ruby2

Hi Mera, I'm sorry you drank. I really think Carl nailed it. And Anna about the Antabuse. I can put a band aid on a cut to protect it while it's healing but it has to heal on it's own. Antabuse is a bandage to help while you begin to learn how to live a sober life.

And you said you can't go to the close AA meeting at nine because your kids are in bed. Well, I said that myself for all the evening meetings around me until someone challenged me by saying that maybe an early morning meeting would work. I was furious about it considering the source but I did it. I dragged my rear out of bed at 5:30 a.m. every day to get to that meeting and I am not now, nor have I ever been a morning person.

What I am saying is that if there is a will, there is a way. Find someone to watch the kids for a couple of hours and go to the nine p.m. meeting. Your sobriety and continuing as a sober mommy is far more important than being there at bedtime one night a week. I was completely useless to my kids when I was still drinking. I can't get to that six a.m. meeting anymore but I find a sitter to allow me to get to meetings in the evening. I'm having a sitter come watch the children on Sunday morning this week so I can attend.

You CAN do this. Not one drink. Ever. And one guy said something in a meeting it's past Sunday that stuck for me. Just because things go wrong doesn't mean you go wrong too.

Hawks

Mera ....

You've drunk on Antabuse now.

I did too.

That's dedication and amazing will power to drink on that stuff.

I don't think a lack of willpower is your problem.

Neither is Antabuse the solution.

Alcoholism can be fatal, drinking or dry / untreated.

I don't think you realise how much trouble your in.

If you knew you had a terminal, progressive life threatening illness, would you take 5 hours twice a week to go get treatment ??

Meraviglioso

Thanks everyone for your kind words, yet again. I recall a wonderful line I read "there are limits to empathy, every addict live in fear of reaching them"
Time to get back at it, that is the only option really.
So many have pointed out that I don't seem to have accepted that I am an alcoholic and cannot drink. That using antabuse was a bandaid. I don't know what to say here. Yes, antabuse was a bandaid. But I was at the point that I would have chopped off my own face and burned it at the alter jesus/buddha/allah/zeus/krishna if I thought it would prevent me from drinking. I swallowed that band aid pill with glee. I felt free, finally.
I also don't know what to say about acceptance. I am not coming on here to **** around on the internet with strangers and blow smoke up your asses. Like, for real. I feel so honest, so genuine when I say that I admit and accept that I am an alcoholic. I do. I really, really, really do. What now? Apparently admitting and accepting is not enough for me. I cannot for one second believe that I am the only person on the entire face of the planet that 150% feels that they admit and accept that they are an alcoholic and yet still has a problem quitting alcohol for good.
I am so happy. SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO happy for all of you that were able to accept and admit that you have a problem and that was the final key in making things work. I would love nothing more than to wake up one day, have an epiphany and skip down then golden road to sobriety. But I can't wait for that to happen. I want it now, epiphany or not, acceptance or not, admission or not.
I feel like a child throwing a tantrum. I am well aware of the fact that I am acting like a little brat right now. But I don't care. I am just so ANGRY. Angry at myself, angry at the world, angry I was born this way. I've got a pretty good life, things would be just perfect if it were not for this **** problem. I have never ever not been able to get something I wanted. I have had a goal and worked and worked and worked and have always been able to achieve what I set out to. I am so frustrated and angry.
I'll go to AA, I'll read some more books, I'll spend more time here, I'll pour out the wine, I'll drive a different route…..
day one, day two "oh, today I have 17 days of sobriety" "today I had a really bad craving" I'll tell my boyfriend or anyone who cares to listen. I'm such a god damn bore I just want to live my life, ya know?
I've got so much fire inside me right now that I could declare from the mountaintops that I will never, ever drink again with such passion it would make your eyes bleed. But I don't even believe myself anymore. That said, nothing to it, but to do it.

Here's the article that I got the quote from, it is a good read: Philip Seymour Hoffman: The End of Quitting | The Los Angeles Review of Books

Dee74

I was genuine and sincere when I said those things too - but I never backed them up with action.

I never looked for support.
I never changed my life, so I was still around alcohol and drinkers a lot
I never fought the urge when it came - I just gave in.
Plan A was drinking - I had no plan B

I had the words, but not the elbow grease behind the words.

I am confident you'll get it Mera

Meraviglioso

Thanks Dee. I've still got the tiniest shred of confidence in myself left and I'm holding onto it for dear life. That sober month was so wonderful, I want it back.

Meraviglioso

The wine has been dumped. I just opened the fridge and dumped it down. I don't know what I was waiting for, but it is done now. I'm feeling better now, solid, accepting you know….. But that in and of itself terrifies me. I think, "well, didn't you feel like that before? And then look what happened."
I told the father of my children today too. I hadn't been not telling him for any particular reason, I guess I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it and make him think there was a problem and question my ability to care for the kids when they were with me. I guess. I hadn't really thought about it so much. But today I had to meet him for something and we were discussing my car insurance. He made a joke about "not driving drunk" and I said "well that won't be an issue because I am not drinking" and he told me that he thought it was a good idea and was happy that I have made this decision. I felt relief that while his words and tone communicated that he understood the severity of the problem (even if I had not openly talked to him about having a problem, it is pretty easy to see) he did not make me feel bad or worried and he did not convey anger or worry, just support and kindness.
I cannot wait to get past today- well the next few days actually. I just want to get back into the sober groove, I was so productive, capable, good, happy and healthy when I wasn't drinking.
My poor therapist, I am sure I am her most annoying client. I feel so immature and whiny.

Hawks

Good to be determined Mera (and a little anger can be used to get determined) but at the same time it's important to realise that you did what you did because that is what alcoholic folk do.

Emotional pain.... Drink.... It's an "autopilot " Kind of reaction.

Like flicking a bug off your hands..... You don't stop to look too hard at the bug, figure out what type of bug it is and whether it might actually be harmful.

We just see something with lots of legs and go "ahhhhh get it off, get it off"

Same thing with emotional pain and discomfort..... "OMG, this is crap, but a drink will fix it."

Dee nailed it with "action plan"..... Next time you get emotionally charged up and uncomfortable or painful..... You gotta take a different action to get a different result.

Meraviglioso

I'm trying, I know it doesn't seem like it, but in my day to day life I am really trying. I am going to my therapist, reading a lot of books (god, that sounds so stupid, like a book is going to fix this), coming on here, doing stress relief stuff daily. I just called the nearest US military base. Unfortunately they do not have meetings there. I was hoping to find an English speaking meeting, sorry to say it, but I am just very wary of the Italian style. I've met nothing but misunderstandings and false information when it comes to this. I'm not going to get into on here again, no one seems to believe me, which is fine, but for all her beauty and wonder, Italy is so backwards and 3rd world sometimes. In any case, they don't have meetings on base (I find that extraordinarily difficult to believe, but whatever) but the woman who answered the phone was very nice. I explained that I was an American citizen living here and needed help and didn't know where to turn. She said that she would pass my number to "someone she knows" and have them call me. I don't know who this person is or what they will have to offer, but I assume she is passing my number to this specific person for a reason known to her of which I will soon find out. Come on all you alcoholic military members, show me some loveeeeee!

b086

Online AA Meetings:

There are meetings all over the world, in different time zones, all throughout the day.
These meetings have absolutely saved my bacon and transformed my sobriety -- from basically white-knuckling it, to getting a taste of "the promises."

Most of them are on Skype. If you have a smartphone, you can join a meeting from anywhere. You just text the meeting host and they will call you in. There is no commute!! You can even do the dishes, etc. during the meeting...I often do.

I cannot recommend these highly enough. I'm an expat living in a rural area in Asia, so I only have experience with meetings hosted in Korea/Japan/China. However, we have members living in Denmark, England, Greenland (!), Italy, and France, and they rarely have connection problems.

Here is a list of meetings, the Skype account name of the host, and the meeting times. I usually go to "ChinaAAmeeting." It meets Sun, Mon, Tue, Thu, Friday at noon, your time. If that time doesn't work, there are others:

http://aainkorea.org/Skype_Meeting_List.pdf

Here are some other resources for online meetings. I can't vouch for the accuracy of these listings because I've never had to use them.

A.A. Meetings in AA On Line Meetings - Alcoholics Anonymous C.E.R.
Online Intergroup : Alcoholics Anonymous

If you have any questions AT ALL -- about how to connect, other resources for meetings, or anything else, please don't hesitate to post here or PM me.

My only regret about AA in general, and these online meetings in particular, is that I waited so long to attend.

Meraviglioso

Awesome. This is so helpful, thank you b068. I will check that out right now, I hope there is one tonight. What do I do? Do you talk? Listen? I guess I'll find out….

SoberLeigh

A solution in the true SR fashion we all know and love!!!!!! Thanks, b.

Mera, it's coming together . . .

sprout50

Mera, Getting and staying sober isn't easy for any of us. We have all had our relapses. I know you can do this.

Meraviglioso

Yep. There is a meeting tonight, I'll be there. Do I need to do my hair??? I look so sh*t on Skype!

Meraviglioso

ok, Just got a call back from the woman I spoke to earlier, she gave me the name and number of someone to call. I assume they are AA related. I'll let you know about this mystery person!

SoberLeigh

Oh, god, so do I . . . (but I have noticed so does everyone else . . . , we seem to be the most critical of our own looks).

anattaboy

Mera, your resilience is amazing! Already you are looking to expand your toolbox with FtoF, AA or phone numbers. You are still doing this. The frustration for all of us is we think we should be able to read the instructions, put in some effort and it's a done deal. I'm not long sober at 4 1/2 months but I had an urge blindside me the other day. Pretty tense 20 minutes-I saw my hand encircling the neck of the vodka bottle at the store, kitchen, mouth while pacing my living room. I thought it through and all is well but I'm amazed(?) at how everything was perfectly set up. All the kids were at friend's/gramma's, nobody to answer to- not good. I do not care for the idea that I have to be wary of my "boogy-man" AV but it is what it is for now. You are doing fine. Multiple attempts is the rule rather than exception and everyone was "attempting" when they quit and it stuck. Keep up the good work!