I hate this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
I hate this
I was sober 18 years, was lucky enough to have two children in sobriety and they had never seen me drink. Started again, for what reason? I have to figure that out. I guess I know it's because I stopped going to meetings.
Now I'm a daily drinker again for over a year now. It's worse now, I was 23 when I quit and now I'm nearly 43. I've gotten to the point that the first thing I think upon waking up is what a piece of crap I am. My husband who got sober with me back then when he was my boyfriend has started at the same time as me. We had a struggle with our marriage and we both just picked up - together, which I would never have imagined would happen. He's somehow maintaining, while I'm not. I shake in the mornings if I don't have a drink. I don't think I was physically addicted when I first got sober, my life was just very unmanageable. Now I'm actually unable to go without alcohol without having a racing heart, very shaky hands, etc. We are "having fun" drinking together, except that I have no idea once I drink how much I'll end up drinking. While we used to fight and argue while drinking in the past, none of that has happened yet. But I drink at work, at my son's games, at business meetings, and just in general at home. I feel I will never, could never, get back to where I was.
Now I'm a daily drinker again for over a year now. It's worse now, I was 23 when I quit and now I'm nearly 43. I've gotten to the point that the first thing I think upon waking up is what a piece of crap I am. My husband who got sober with me back then when he was my boyfriend has started at the same time as me. We had a struggle with our marriage and we both just picked up - together, which I would never have imagined would happen. He's somehow maintaining, while I'm not. I shake in the mornings if I don't have a drink. I don't think I was physically addicted when I first got sober, my life was just very unmanageable. Now I'm actually unable to go without alcohol without having a racing heart, very shaky hands, etc. We are "having fun" drinking together, except that I have no idea once I drink how much I'll end up drinking. While we used to fight and argue while drinking in the past, none of that has happened yet. But I drink at work, at my son's games, at business meetings, and just in general at home. I feel I will never, could never, get back to where I was.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
I was at a meeting last night and this subject came up.
Drift away from what got and kept you sober and eventually a drink seems to show up.
Happened to me, seems it has happened to a great many AA members.
The longer you stay away, the harder it gets, and the worse shape your life gets in.
AA members will welcome you back with open arms, I'm sure.
Good luck with your decisions
Drift away from what got and kept you sober and eventually a drink seems to show up.
Happened to me, seems it has happened to a great many AA members.
The longer you stay away, the harder it gets, and the worse shape your life gets in.
AA members will welcome you back with open arms, I'm sure.
Good luck with your decisions
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. They say alcoholism is progressive. Even when we are sober, the -ism progresses and when we pick up it is as bad, or worse, than where we left off.
Then get back to what worked.
Originally Posted by IHadItMade 
Started again, for what reason? I have to figure that out. I guess I know it's because I stopped going to meetings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 3
I've told my husband that its quite possible I just can't drink like a normal person - which I have to admit, I WANT to drink like a normal person. Something made me think maybe since I was only 23 when I got sober, that perhaps now that I was more "grown up", I could do that. He CAN. He used to abuse alcohol right along with me, but quit when I got sober so we could make a new start. Now he seems to be able to drink and stop at a reasonable amount, but I can't. It's hard, because that part of it has been fun. My own personal hell has not. He's caught me drinking at work, and I'm a business owner! And he has threatened that we have to quit if I do that again. But I know he'll be bummed as well to lose his drinking buddy which sounds so dumb to say. I hope its safe to say my irrational thoughts here. He is pulling for me to get it together, but I am starting to think that's impossible. There's no way for me to drink socially. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and pick up a white chip, I think. I know he'll support me, once I have the guts to say its what I have to do.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Ihaditmade. I am about your age and I hit that point too all of a sudden where I NEEDED to drink just to keep my heart rate down and not have other withdrawal symptoms. I can literally remember the vicious cycle of taking my pulse, then chugging a couple of beers to bring it back down and hoping that I could drink enough to sleep at least part of the night.
it all came on very suddenly too - I drank for a couple of decades and while I was certainly not doing myself any favors, I never had the dependence issues like that until my early 40s. Every time I tried to quit, I would return and the issues would get worse and worse each and every time.
The good news is that in hindsight, the solution is very simple - acceptance that drinking any amount, ever is simply not an option. You obviously know from your past sober time that it's possible - and you did it for a long, long time. It's just a little harder to stop now...but you can do it. And it is worth it!
it all came on very suddenly too - I drank for a couple of decades and while I was certainly not doing myself any favors, I never had the dependence issues like that until my early 40s. Every time I tried to quit, I would return and the issues would get worse and worse each and every time.
The good news is that in hindsight, the solution is very simple - acceptance that drinking any amount, ever is simply not an option. You obviously know from your past sober time that it's possible - and you did it for a long, long time. It's just a little harder to stop now...but you can do it. And it is worth it!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
If booze really is no big deal to him and he really has grown out of it, then he was never alcoholic, just a guy who drank too much.
It's pretty common, I've got friends that drank just like me right up to the age of 30 something, now they just drink socially.
The evidence seems to point out, you are a real deal.
It's pretty common, I've got friends that drank just like me right up to the age of 30 something, now they just drink socially.
The evidence seems to point out, you are a real deal.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
You're story is all too familiar! I had almost 6 years of sobriety and relapsed last October 2013. Been back out for a year. It has not been fun!
No good advice to offer. I'm getting back on my feet again too. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.
(((Hug)))
No good advice to offer. I'm getting back on my feet again too. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.
(((Hug)))
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I think you know what you need to do and that is to stop drinking for good. I hope you make the decision to do that and don't let things get worse than they are. You will have a lot to gain with a sober life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I was also sober for 18 years. I didn't use AA to get sober the first time. My life was just a mess and I figured alcohol wasn't helping. <<~~understatement of the year
I'm at eight months now.
You can do it again. Just stop one day at a time, tough it out through the first couple weeks - they're gonna be tough, no two ways around that.
Your husband - I hope he is able to keep his intake down. When I started drinking again in 2007, I was able to moderate for quite some time - it took over five years until I was all-day drinking. The anxiety was there after the first couple years, though.
No time like the present.
I'm at eight months now.
You can do it again. Just stop one day at a time, tough it out through the first couple weeks - they're gonna be tough, no two ways around that.
Your husband - I hope he is able to keep his intake down. When I started drinking again in 2007, I was able to moderate for quite some time - it took over five years until I was all-day drinking. The anxiety was there after the first couple years, though.
No time like the present.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
IHadItMade, welcome to SR. Tons of support here.
I'm roughly the same age as you, started about 5 years earlier than you did and didn't take a break from drinking until recently; although I tried to stop many times throughout the years. I was a heavy, daily drinker... progressed until I was drinking in the mornings, at work, church functions, my kids events, you name it and I was drinking.
You can stop this roller coaster ride. This disease is definitely progressive and it takes 110% dedication and commitment to stop... but it is possible and so worth the effort. You can do it! Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time; just so you don't take that first drink.
Best of luck, and glad you found us.
I'm roughly the same age as you, started about 5 years earlier than you did and didn't take a break from drinking until recently; although I tried to stop many times throughout the years. I was a heavy, daily drinker... progressed until I was drinking in the mornings, at work, church functions, my kids events, you name it and I was drinking.
You can stop this roller coaster ride. This disease is definitely progressive and it takes 110% dedication and commitment to stop... but it is possible and so worth the effort. You can do it! Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time; just so you don't take that first drink.
Best of luck, and glad you found us.
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