alphaomega

I have learned so much from this website. The knowledge that I have gained in a few short years here, for me, trumps decades of formal education, professional therapy and a partial lifetime spent in the rat race. I am so grateful to have stumbled upon SR at one of my most desperate moments.

There is something so anxiety inducing about sharing your most intimate of moments with people. But truth is, we are all living LIVES. And in doing so, we all, for the most part, experience the exact same emotions: love, loss, fear, faith, pain (both mental and emotional), joy, bewilderment, loss of direction, enlightenment.

If we are lucky enough, we get to sample ALL the foods on the buffet of existence. Together.

Anonymity provides a safety net of sorts, where we can expose our ugliest of uglies and find common ground. Prior to SR, I honestly never knew there were other people going through almost the exact same challenges that I was.

PHEW ! The relief was palpable. "I AM NOT ALONE" is the greatest gift this website has given me.

I have realized when I have been away from certain traumas for enough time, and decide that I have done the work to begin healing and have actually stepped on a new path, I find myself with an attitude of ambivalence when I read certain stories.

Dare I say, almost "judgemental" in my response (whether I post it or not).

Who the hell am I to judge ANYONE ? I have driven drunk with a toddler in my car. I have gotten in a car with someone who had to close one eye to drive down the highway. I missed a good 10 years of my daughters life while I bounced from drunk to hangover. I have done the unthinkable and witnessed horrible things thanks to my addiction.

Its so important for me to remind myself, that "there but for the grace of God".

To come here, so war torn and vulnerable, and offer your story is both the most postulating of gestures as well as the greatest gift you can give. I remember feeling so RAW in the beginning of my sobriety journey. It was as if every word was either a salve, or a razor.

May I never, ever, EVER forget where I came from.
And how I got here.

I crawled.

Thanks for letting me share.

XO AO

Oldselfagain

AO awesome post and so well said!

Aellyce

Another great share, AO. I am very glad to hear that you are finding peace, and your place, in the journey... I will only add that it's definitely one of the greatest challenges of sobriety how to handle our vulnerabilities, and yes, it does get raw at times. I would say not even only in the beginning. Part of life without escaping it
Thank you.

PurpleKnight

Nice post AO!!

JanieJ

Lovely post ,and so true.

Yes, it is easy to fin myself judging someone else and their actions. Yet I have been there and done dangerous and hurtful things to othe

The recent thread with the poor mom has made me reconsider whether this board is the best place for me, considering some of the judgements that have followed; not just because of others' opinions but because I found myself caught up in it and agreeing with them !!

I don't want to do that. I'm not snow, I'm mud. And I want to remember that.

Anna

Great post, AO.

I think that SR is a magnificent and magical place.

razor15

Thank you for sharing this. It is beautiful.

Fly N Buy

Inspirational and so true. I like to think I am making progress, but realize if in the word progress each letter is a stair step I am still only at the bottom.....

Thanks for the reminder....

fly

Cathryn2001

Thank you for this post.

Soberwolf

Awe inspiring post AlphaOmega

SoberLeigh

Gorgeous post, alphaomega - beautifully written and poignant.

Thank you.

alphaomega

It was that exact post that prompted mine. Sixteen years ago, when my daughter was two, I left her in the tub alone to go fill up my wine glass. Downstairs. Many times. It could have ended so catastrophically. But I was too far gone.

To. Far. Gone. Too far. Too gone.

Many memories are flooding back as a result of that post. Memories that I prefered to stay blacked out. But no such luck.

I wonder if the universe removed my ability to drive a vehicle, so I wouldn't lose her...

I'm in agony. For those of us who have gotten by unscathed and will continue to push our luck. And for the consequences that will ultimately arrive as a result...

Venecia

Thanks, AO, for your deeply personal observations. That takes guts.

Janie, stick around. This is a good place.

And you're not alone in your ambivalence. I'm not even sure that's the right word to describe it, but I do know how you feel.

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to SR. I thank my lucky stars for this site.

But I know it is a microcosm of life in general. And like life, I'm not sure it's a level playing field when standards about parenting are viewed through the lens of gender.

In the not-too-distant past, we've seen a much-warranted level of candor in response to some threads. Still, most responses also came with plenty of atta boys. We love you, man! You can do this, brother! We're with ya, buddy!

The contrast has been deeply unsettling for me, too, in addition to the issues that play out against a larger backdrop.

SoberComposer

Great post, I enjoyed reading it.

Dee74

Thanks AO

D

Ptcapote

My dearest sister from another mother...

I needed your post. I needed to remember how very raw and vulnerable I felt when I first came here and exposed myself and all of my perceived awfulness.

I am sitting here being all judgy right now about a colleague whose alcoholism led her to do some ridiculously damaging things to our company that I am having to clean up. I am all "how dare she?!" and "WTF was she thinking?!" but...really, although the deeds were different, I was just as selfish and self-destructive in the grasp of addiction. Just as out-of-control...or at least very close to getting there. I had tons of amends to make and I would dare say I still have many more to go.

Here I felt safe. Here I could say all of those awful things and have someone say back "I did the same, you're not alone." And here I could also always find the reality smack I needed to remind me that my addiction was a selfish, destructive beast that would eventually take everything away from me that I cared about...including me.

Best yet, here I found people just like me on the other side of this ugly thing we all live with who said, "Guess what? It DOES get better." And it does.

But thank you for reminding us of our shared humanity and the common reason we are all here. To help and to support and sometimes deal the straight-up harsh truth...but not to judge.

Love ya, AO.

Dee74

I think we can also be too judgmental on ourselves sometimes - you're not mud Janie

Like most of us, all you can do is try and pitch the ball somewhere in the middle

D

jaynie04

Thank you AO. I stay here because I continue to be amazed at how another poster's honesty often brings past behaviors of my own to mind that I had completely forgotten about. I love SR because it gives us room to sit with our feelings. I think it is that lack of obligation that often allows me to go deeper than I might sitting face to face.

When I read the news I am aware of how thin the line is between an ordinary day and catastrophe. I think all of us who grapple with alcoholism have likely come uncomfortably close to catastrophe. Bad stuff happens, but at least I feel like sobriety provides me with a much bigger buffer than I had when drinking.

Thank you friend.

Nuudawn

Another wonderful post AO. Miss these....

MelindaFlowers

You are a brilliant lady, Alpha!