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Lookingforchange 11-01-2014 01:26 AM

What should I do?
 
Hi, having a good time sober, seen lots of tee total friends for coffee and cinema etc also exercise. One of those friends had been in AA for 3 years, we went for a walk and it was nice etc, said we'd go for a walk again. When she phoned to arrange the walk this week she said she went out for a meal and had a glass of wine, then preceded to say that the doctor has said they don't think she was a proper alcoholic-just numbing the feelings she had at the time (bearing in mind she has no idea I've gone tee total as I know I've got a problem). I felt even telling me this was obsessing about alcohol as we were just arranging a walk.
She been done for a DUI, lost her business, lose a part time job for turning up drunk, hasn't seen her son for a year as the dad thinks she unfit. She's a lovely lady-do you think I should tell her on the walk I think she's in denial in case she starts drinking more and more wine? Or will that make her want to drink?
Also thinking maybe this friendship isn't going to be healthy for me.

Lookingforchange 11-01-2014 02:22 AM

She's stopped going to AA too-I'm very concerned about her as if she has any chance of seeing her son again so probably needs to show she's serious about giving up booze for good.

afloatsober 11-01-2014 02:34 AM

Thanks LFC
Sadly sounds like your friend is on the way back to moderation.... With all the attendant hazards for people like us.
If it were my friend I might feel empowered to find a way to mention the warning signs. In doing so I would be mindful of 2 things.
That our friendship might 'cool' irrevocably as a result.
And to keep my expectations real. We all know how powerful the self delusion and denial can be.
Above all, if I felt that my sober safety was endangered in any way, it would have to be the end of this.
These situations arise in sobriety and hope that you find a way of dealing that sits comfortably with you.
G:)

Lookingforchange 11-01-2014 02:43 AM

Thanks for that, I think I'll have to say something as I think she's was looking for me to condone her and I'm definitely not going to enable her to go back to where she was (2bottles of vodka a day). Thanks for posting a reply it helps me a lot.

Chiffon 11-01-2014 03:04 AM

I totally agree with everything that Afloatsober said. I think also, you have to realise that she might just not want to listen. I mean, I know I wouldn't have listened when I was drinking - it looks like a friendship coming to an end either way, as you really don't need to be around this right now. Good luck with it all x

IOAA2 11-01-2014 03:19 AM

Hi.
If she has attended AA for awhile a head full of AA and a belly full of booze don’t mix. In her misery she knows what to do. We only get sober for our self and pushing usually doesn’t work well. If you can stay friends it may help with some support.
Try to remember we can’t get anyone else sober or drunk. We need to be concerned about ourselves.

BE WELL

dcrr 11-01-2014 04:03 AM

I would tell her what she doesn't want to hear - and I would do this as a friend. You mentioned that you thought she was looking for you to condone the behaviour and the same thought went through my head as I read your post. Misery loves company, that is one thing I have learned.

heath480 11-01-2014 04:14 AM

The only person you can change is yourself.Concentrate on your own sobriety.

Let her know you are there for her,but other than that there is nothing you can do.

One of the hardest things is seeing people we care about go back into the madness of active alcoholism.

Conquest 11-01-2014 04:20 AM


Originally Posted by heath480 (Post 4988937)
The only person you can change is yourself.Concentrate on your own sobriety.

Let her know you are there for her,but other than that there is nothing you can do.

One of the hardest things is seeing people we care about go back into the madness of active alcoholism.

Excellent points, health480. Seeing your positive changes will hopefully motivate your friend. Best wishes for continued success!

Lookingforchange 11-01-2014 04:33 AM

Thanks for all the advice and taking time to share your experiences, plenty of good for thought there

Lookingforchange 12-16-2014 03:09 PM

I kept in touch with my friend and didn't say anything. I had a text to say my friend had been found dead in her flat a week ago. I'm going to her funeral the day before Christmas Eve. Am shocked and very sad that it ended this way for her.

sugarbear1 12-16-2014 03:38 PM

I am so sorry for this. you have my deepest condolences

GroundhogDay 12-16-2014 03:39 PM

I'm sorry for your loss.

Anna 12-16-2014 03:47 PM

Oh, that is horribly sad, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Notimetoloose 12-16-2014 04:17 PM

Your post took my breath away, I am so sorry...and I feel so very sad for you and her family.
I do not know the circumstances around her death. Please do not think that this had anything at all to do with had you or had you not had a conversation around sobriety.


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