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Old 10-31-2014, 07:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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That Merry Go Round


Well here I am again. My life is literally hanging on by a thread. I read and read but for some reason I can't get it through my thick skull that me and alcohol don't belong together. It's a breakup that has to happen before I lose everything. My best friend the bottle has left me high and dry and only I have to deal with the concequence. That B****.

Yet I'm scared. I'm afraid off missing what I know so well. I'm scared of not being able to fit in a real world. Scared of the unknown I guess. It brings me to tears thinking off all I've given up for a drink and here I am now. Crying like a baby over my own choices.

I called off work today. After yet another meaningless 1 person party last night. My boss is probably upset. I was needed today. I feel like crap about it.

Someone please give me the wisdom to get my stuff in order. Time and excuses are running out and I'm on my last leg.
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Old 10-31-2014, 07:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Have you tried face to face meetings?

Reading won't get us sober. Only action will.

You can do this.
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Old 10-31-2014, 07:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You're doing what I used to do - looking (and fearing) sobriety, through the haze and depression following a boozing session. The reality, when you get through those first few days and beyond, is very, very different

I think back on it as someone passing me the keys to a car but my not having had many lessons - terrifying! The freedom that comes from driving now though, and similarly, being sober - is electrifying.

Give it a go
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Old 10-31-2014, 07:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Everyones scared of what sobriety might be. I promise you that no one would stay in recovery if they felt they lost out on the deal.

Getting sober was the best thing I ever did - it wasn't easy and it wasn't pretty to begin with - but neither was my drinking life.

It's a leap of faith - but it's not much of a risk really...many have gone before you, waterfalls. It works out - it really does

I really hope you decide to give yourself the chance

D
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Old 10-31-2014, 07:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Waterfalls,

I know it's not easy, but you have to something, anything to get a few weeks between you and alcohol. I had zero clarity for the first few weeks. It sounds like you're working but if you can, just set yourself up on the couch when you get home from work. Lying down under a blanket with your laptop. Can you do this?
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Old 11-01-2014, 03:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi.
For me and millions help then sobriety has been achieved with face to face meetings at AA where it’s good to be understood by others and see first hand the gleam of achievements.
Whatever path chosen will require work and changes along with consistent pursuit of being sober. We need to remember that alcohol is powerful, cunning and baffling along with being a progressive disease.
All we need to do is don’t drink one day at a time in a row, it’s that simple!

BE WELL
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AA IS NOT A SENTENCE, IT’S A REPRIEVE.

ALCOHOL-ISM= INCREDIBLE SHORT MEMORY.

I CAME FOR MY DRINKING AND STAYED FOR MY THINKING.

WE ARE NOT FAILING AS LONG AS WE KEEP TRYING.

WHAT I USED TO CALL BOREDOM I NOW CALL SERENITY.
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Old 11-01-2014, 04:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Waterfall you speak like Alcohol has been your best friend for so long you dont know how to be anything else well

Waterfalls your life i guarentee swear & promise is better sober than anything youve known but only you have the power to fully realise and directly experience


your already wise your here with us

spk soon waterfalls
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Old 11-01-2014, 04:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I never made any progress stopping the merry go round by myself.

Remember the merry go round? The actual one on the playground?

The big, heavy, steel merry go round? We could get it going all by ourselves. It took a while. We had to get that momentum up. Our little bodies weren't strong enough to push it very fast. But once it got rotating, we found it took less and less effort to get it going faster. We were THRILLED!!!

Oh, how fast could we make it go!! THE POWER!! THE EXHILARATION!!!

And then we'd jump onto it.... we'd become dizzy with it's power and overwhelming fun!! Maybe we'd hop back off again and push it some more as it slowed down. Faster, faster, FASTER!!!

But then at some point we became scared. The dizzy was no longer fun, it was overpowering. We felt our grip loosen. We were sure we'd go flying off it. We feared for our safety... for our very lives!!!

MOM!!!! DAD!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!





We found we needed someone else. We needed help. We ourselves got that merry go round whirring madly beyond our ability to get off of it.




We needed a power greater than ourselves to stop that terrifying thing.




This is where AA has been a critical tool in my sobriety.



It gave me the real help that I needed to stop that merry go round, get off it, and stop hopping back on for another terrifying ride.
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~ Life!! It's WAY too good to drink to! ~
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Old 11-01-2014, 06:33 AM   #9 (permalink)
Keeping it simple!
 
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Is there anyone you can talk to you? Your doctor, or maybe a counsellor? I saw a drug and alcohol counsellor and I found some great support in that. And some direction.
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“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden
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Old 11-01-2014, 07:01 AM   #10 (permalink)
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It didn't end for me until I looked at it not as fear of stopping but more the relief of knowing I never have to get on that ride again. Ever. I hold the power in this deal. Not the other way around.

As per normal, FreeOwl's post is brilliant & spot on. We can't stop alone. We can't stop simply by posting on SR every time we get back on the ride. It takes a lot of hard, gut wrenching work to stop that massive ride. But you can. And it's worth it. Most important, you're worth it.

We're all here for you not only cheering you on & supporting you, but proving it can be done and telling you how fabulous your life can be when you do.
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"After a while I looked in the mirror and realized...WOW. After all those hurts, scars and bruises, after all of those trials, I really made it through. I did it. I survived that which was supposed to kill me. So I straightened my crown...and walked away like a boss."
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Old 11-01-2014, 07:08 AM   #11 (permalink)
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You can leave your best friend, alcohol, behind and move on. We've all been in the situation you are in and afraid of what change would bring. You can do something different this time.

Have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp? It really helped me to believe that if she could make the changes needed in her life, then I could do it too.
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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

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Old 11-01-2014, 07:19 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Waterfalls, my best friend was Chardonnay - in the end, I realized that she was totally duplicitous, a wolf in sheep's clothing. I was a mess on the inside when I finally turned my back on her.

Please say goodbye to your best friend. Maybe, try changing it up this time - put something new in your program; have you tried AA, AVRT?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

I found that understanding my addictive voice really helped. Reading about alcoholism really helped, too; I had to come to really understand the enemy.

Stick with this, Waterfalls. Sobriety is worth it; I promise.
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Old 11-01-2014, 07:52 AM   #13 (permalink)
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One day, or sometimes one hour at a time is a start!!!

We all know you can do this! I use face to face support and found this went from a task of sorts to highly enjoyable activity that help supplant bad habits. I had to find a way to replace the time I used with my bad habits~!

It's there for your Water....drink deeply from the well of sobriety, for it will satisfy.....

fly
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Old 11-01-2014, 11:53 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
I never made any progress stopping the merry go round by myself. Remember the merry go round? The actual one on the playground? The big, heavy, steel merry go round? We could get it going all by ourselves. It took a while. We had to get that momentum up. Our little bodies weren't strong enough to push it very fast. But once it got rotating, we found it took less and less effort to get it going faster. We were THRILLED!!! Oh, how fast could we make it go!! THE POWER!! THE EXHILARATION!!! And then we'd jump onto it.... we'd become dizzy with it's power and overwhelming fun!! Maybe we'd hop back off again and push it some more as it slowed down. Faster, faster, FASTER!!! But then at some point we became scared. The dizzy was no longer fun, it was overpowering. We felt our grip loosen. We were sure we'd go flying off it. We feared for our safety... for our very lives!!! MOM!!!! DAD!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! We found we needed someone else. We needed help. We ourselves got that merry go round whirring madly beyond our ability to get off of it. We needed a power greater than ourselves to stop that terrifying thing. This is where AA has been a critical tool in my sobriety. It gave me the real help that I needed to stop that merry go round, get off it, and stop hopping back on for another terrifying ride.
This makes absolute perfect sense. Thank you for the great message!
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Old 11-01-2014, 11:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
You can leave your best friend, alcohol, behind and move on. We've all been in the situation you are in and afraid of what change would bring. You can do something different this time. Have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp? It really helped me to believe that if she could make the changes needed in her life, then I could do it too.
I haven't read it but I'm going to look for it today. Thank you!
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Old 11-01-2014, 12:05 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Waterfalls2014 View Post
Yet I'm scared. I'm afraid off missing what I know so well.
What favours is alcohol doing for you, why give it such a status and control in your life?

For me realising that alcohol continually kept stabbing me in the back, promising so much and delivering nothing but fairytales, myths and misery was a turning point, why was I hanging onto something like that?

I needed to accept that myself and alcohol needed to part ways and since I did that life has improved, all those fears and worries about the big wide world are unfounded, alcohol is not the centre of the universe, millions live without it and still enjoy life!!

You can too!!
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Old 11-01-2014, 12:09 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Thank you all very much for the input and encouragement.

I laid in bed last night thinking about how I'm reading but not really participating. I guess you could say I had a moment of clarity. It's time for me to quit my pity party and join the real world. I'm ready to do this once and for all. No more talking about it, now I'm going to put all my efforts into me. You're all right. I can do this!!

I've spent today making sure our house is alcohol free. And I'm not buying anymore no matter what. I'm back at day 1. My LAST day one.

I found a journal I started a few months back and the things I wrote in there made my head spin. My reasons for living sober 100% outweigh anything alcohol could ever give me. I think change scares me sometimes but this is one change I'm looking forward to.

Bye bye alcohol!! This girl doesn't need you anymore!!!

Get used to me because I'm not going anywhere
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Old 11-01-2014, 12:13 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Purpleknight View Post
What favours is alcohol doing for you, why give it such a status and control in your life? For me realising that alcohol continually kept stabbing me in the back, promising so much and delivering nothing but fairytales, myths and misery was a turning point, why was I hanging onto something like that? I needed to accept that myself and alcohol needed to part ways and since I did that life has improved, all those fears and worries about the big wide world are unfounded, alcohol is not the centre of the universe, millions live without it and still enjoy life!! You can too!!
Thanks PK. You are 100% right. I have nothing left in me to want to continue drinking. It's worn me down and taken so much from me.

I'm taking my life back today!!!

With the help of you all of course
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Old 11-01-2014, 03:36 PM   #19 (permalink)
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good stuff waterfalls

D
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