I self medicate.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 69
I self-medicated too! For about 14 years, in fact.
With sobriety and the help of good mental health treatment, I am getting back on my feet and learning a lot about the "new me".
I wish you the very best, losteverything.
With sobriety and the help of good mental health treatment, I am getting back on my feet and learning a lot about the "new me".
I wish you the very best, losteverything.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
losteverything, I can relate to what you're saying. I felt like things sucked, and actually alcohol was the ONLY "bright" spot in my life, so seriously how could it make any sense to give up that one thing that even temporarily made things better?!
I'm only now starting to feel like I get why sobriety is better. Like you, I have all the bright shiny things, money, blah blah blah. What I haven't had in a long time is a moment of freaking PEACE, where I am comfortable in my own skin, living in the moment. It's just a cycle of feelings coming up, feelings squashed down, lather, rinse, repeat.
Here, I've learned 2 things: 1) stopping drinking and living a sober life are not the same, and 2) for the first time in forever, my short bursts of sobriety have given me something I haven't had in forever, and that's hope. Those small feelings of hope make me want more.
Hang in there, friend. I understand. You've been through a lot, but you can do this. (((hugs)))
I'm only now starting to feel like I get why sobriety is better. Like you, I have all the bright shiny things, money, blah blah blah. What I haven't had in a long time is a moment of freaking PEACE, where I am comfortable in my own skin, living in the moment. It's just a cycle of feelings coming up, feelings squashed down, lather, rinse, repeat.
Here, I've learned 2 things: 1) stopping drinking and living a sober life are not the same, and 2) for the first time in forever, my short bursts of sobriety have given me something I haven't had in forever, and that's hope. Those small feelings of hope make me want more.
Hang in there, friend. I understand. You've been through a lot, but you can do this. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I self medicated.
Not just with drink but sleeping tablets an pain medication too.
I was in a CONSTANT state of anxiety.
I was scared of everything.
It was only when I got home from work and poured a large vodka that I began to feel better.
I hated myself, couldn't look in the mirror, was unhappy, did not know what I wanted or where I was going.
In 8 days I will have 1000 days without an alcoholic drink.
I can't say live is perfect, but it is so much better than it was when I drank.
I have found I am naturally quite nervous and I prefer my own company a lot of the time.
I drank or self medicated to try fit in, be confident, be the life and soul.
Of course, it did the opposite.
I drank too much and did stupid things and the next day I wanted to hide from shame.
When I stopped drinking, I told no-one except a few close people and even to them it was I wanted to try and stop drinking.
I saw it was my battle to fight how I saw fit.
I wanted to do it quietly, in my own way.
I did a bit of AA and spent stacks of time here.
My life might seem a bit dull today to others.
However, give me this life than life of self hatred, anxiety and loathing I had before when drink dominated my life.
That is no way for anyone to live.
No-one, especially you. deserves to exist that way.
You deserve better.
You need to focus on doing one day at a time.
At first it may take effort and hard work, but I promise you it will become easier and you won't be thinking about dink 24/7.
You can't expect to feel better straight away after years of heavy drinking, but each day you are without drink, will go towards feeling better.
It does not matter how big you are, how fierce you are, how manly you are.
Alcohol is such a dirty piece of work it can turn the most fearsome of us into anxious, struggling wrecks.
You need to wage a war on your relationship with alcohol.
Then I think you might start liking yourself again, slowly but surely.
There is help for you.
You can do it.
We were all in your shoes at one point in our lives.
We understand and care.
I wish you the best xx
Not just with drink but sleeping tablets an pain medication too.
I was in a CONSTANT state of anxiety.
I was scared of everything.
It was only when I got home from work and poured a large vodka that I began to feel better.
I hated myself, couldn't look in the mirror, was unhappy, did not know what I wanted or where I was going.
In 8 days I will have 1000 days without an alcoholic drink.
I can't say live is perfect, but it is so much better than it was when I drank.
I have found I am naturally quite nervous and I prefer my own company a lot of the time.
I drank or self medicated to try fit in, be confident, be the life and soul.
Of course, it did the opposite.
I drank too much and did stupid things and the next day I wanted to hide from shame.
When I stopped drinking, I told no-one except a few close people and even to them it was I wanted to try and stop drinking.
I saw it was my battle to fight how I saw fit.
I wanted to do it quietly, in my own way.
I did a bit of AA and spent stacks of time here.
My life might seem a bit dull today to others.
However, give me this life than life of self hatred, anxiety and loathing I had before when drink dominated my life.
That is no way for anyone to live.
No-one, especially you. deserves to exist that way.
You deserve better.
You need to focus on doing one day at a time.
At first it may take effort and hard work, but I promise you it will become easier and you won't be thinking about dink 24/7.
You can't expect to feel better straight away after years of heavy drinking, but each day you are without drink, will go towards feeling better.
It does not matter how big you are, how fierce you are, how manly you are.
Alcohol is such a dirty piece of work it can turn the most fearsome of us into anxious, struggling wrecks.
You need to wage a war on your relationship with alcohol.
Then I think you might start liking yourself again, slowly but surely.
There is help for you.
You can do it.
We were all in your shoes at one point in our lives.
We understand and care.
I wish you the best xx
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by losteverything 
I wonder how many day 1's it will take
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
Hahaha.. the suggestion of 6-12 months rehab. I have not had a week off for years, let alone a vacation. 6 months? Ex-wifes lawyers would be all over that one.. thanks for the laugh though. Child support does not just wait for a year.. lol
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by losteverything
Sorry, no offense intended. I am not laughing at anyone, just at the idea.
The bottom line is that you will most likely need to do things you do not want to do to get sober.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
If you don't need 6 months of rehab, what do you need?
Meetings?
Reading recovery material? I'm sure you know that alcoholism is progressive and will end in jail or death should you continue.
If you lose your income, your ex wife and child support are also in trouble, right?
Meetings?
Reading recovery material? I'm sure you know that alcoholism is progressive and will end in jail or death should you continue.
If you lose your income, your ex wife and child support are also in trouble, right?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
For me I needed to do something different, the question is what are you prepared to do to make Sobriety happen, checking into SR daily, meetings, rehab? whatever it is nothing changes if nothing changes.
I needed to change up my routines, my daily patterns of life, make Sobriety my daily mission until I finally cracked it and created a Sober lifestyle for myself as a "non drinker"!!
Alcohol for me allowed me to escape from reality, it's great for that, but as a longterm solution to pain in life it's not a sustainable solution, something has to give eventually, whether that's health, job, relationships etc
I needed to find a new way, write a new chapter to my life, one not found at the bottom of a bottle!!
You can too!!
I needed to change up my routines, my daily patterns of life, make Sobriety my daily mission until I finally cracked it and created a Sober lifestyle for myself as a "non drinker"!!
Alcohol for me allowed me to escape from reality, it's great for that, but as a longterm solution to pain in life it's not a sustainable solution, something has to give eventually, whether that's health, job, relationships etc
I needed to find a new way, write a new chapter to my life, one not found at the bottom of a bottle!!
You can too!!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by losteverything
Yep...that's what I missed. the self righteous, holier than thou, AA bible thumping go to 6 month rehab 90 in 90 next to God judges. Thanks.
Ya see...that's my biggest hurdle...learning to handle my own head. At the top of this thread you listed some things to be grateful for..
Yet it appears pain from your past is blocking your view.
I've reached a point in my life that I'm open to anything. I resisted the AA thing for awhile. I had "been there, done that..hated it and failed before" sorta jazz.
But I realized I needed some stuff. I need more sober people to talk to. My recovery started when I began therapy in January 2013. I spent a year in therapy. I quit drinking in that time...and I actually started again.
But I didn't lose the gifts.
She taught me that feeling sorry for myself was my biggest foe and the strongest clencher in my addiction.
She taught me how to be there for myself...or at least..drilled it into me that it was precisely what I must do.
I falter and forget ..often.
But it's in there...it comes back..usually after I forget. I see how and where I have abandoned myself.
And I have to stand up and fight again.
There's a painful darkness within you..that needs some light shone on in.
Therapy. AA. Doctors...do whatever it takes. Reach out...quit festering within.
Open yourself up to let the poison out.
Let love in. Be vulnerable. Be brave. Let things in...people, new answers, new solutions...
Don't give up. Do whatever it takes. Be there for yourself..save yourself.
Your the answer...but that answer requires..opening..
Quit closing.
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