Speaking freely...
 

This is the only place where I can speak freely. I have trouble sharing in general. Well it's Day 1 for me again and I was on my knees praying this morning because I did something stupid last night when I was drunk (nothing really illegal... just stupid). My God cut me a break and I now know that I did not get caught so the secret stays with me and my Higher Power. I just thanked him profusely. My drinking has escalated to the point where.... well when I watch an Intervention re-run and they talk about how much they drink... I'm right up there with them. That has scared the crap out of me. I am already having liver issues... that scares me too and I have a month before I go back to my doctor who is quite concerned.
I have different plans this time to stay sober and hopefully a month of no alcohol will help my health issue and if I can tell her I have a solid month of sobriety (again) that will be good. It will show some progress and hopefully hold off on further (expensive) tests. I just can't keep doing this to myself. I am scared -- I'm killing myself. I am very scared, very tearful today... but also VERY grateful that I still have a chance.
Thanks for listening, I love you all.

Hang in there. We're all praying for you

One thing I've noticed about the people on Intervention. Rarely do they get clean and sober on their own.

So what is your "different" plan for staying sober a month? Does it entail help? Or more doing it own your own?

ElleDee, I'm sure you are scared. It's awful to have alcohol consuming and controlling your life and I'm glad you are back on track today and working on recovery. All you can do right now is take care of yourself and stay sober and hopefully the health issues will improve. :)

Elle, you've been on this back/forth for a very long time.

At some point, you have to quit lying to yourself. Does your husband know how much you are drinking? Does anyone?

You had a really bad fall not that long ago. You have liver problems. You don't like AA. You obviously can't do this alone, so suck it up and reach out for help. How about rehab?

Well done on making it back Elledee

Glad you're back!

We are with you, ElleDee, and thankful that you have come back. Your fear is palpable and I am so sorry that you going through this. Fear may not be a bad thing in the beginning especially if it puts you on the right path but, at some point, that fear needs to turn into unshakable resolve, especially since your drinking has already affected your liver.

Do you have face to face support - AA, Rational Recovery; have you tried AVRT?

Hi Ellie, good to meet you !

It seems that you are more concerned with putting out the fires in your life than you are quitting drinking. The fires will go out all by themselves when you stay sober

Thanks friends for your comments. I appreciate them. I will figure this out.

Hi well done for coming back on day 1 :) I'm back on day 2. Are you getting any other support apart from SR? :)

Liver problems will make this real REAL soon... Read your own posts. You know what you have to do. You don't have to be caught up in a cycle of relapse. Channel your inner Yoda :)

I have solicited outside help. I am going to outpatient rehab. Talked to my psych this morning and she's helping me get set up with a local treatment center.

Sounds a great step, ElleDee; happy for you!

That's really great news, Elle.

You deserve a healthy happy life.

That is wonderful. It sounds like the great start you need.

Do what needs to get done. I'm proud of you for moving fast. NOW is what matters, not the past and the now makes the future. We are here for you.

looks like you got lucky and the trouble you are scared about isnt going to become public knowledge

many a times in my drinking everyone got to find out what i had done and i had to face the humiliation of it all

it stopped me drinking for a while as i would promise never to do it again and mean it as well
but over time as i was no doing anything other than not drinking i got restless and started to forget about how ashamed i would of been about myself
for some reason i would think to myself well it wouldnt of happend had such and such a thing never happend

in the end i would try to drink again and try not to get drunk if only i didnt get so drunk then none of the bad things would of ever of happend in my mind

and it was true as well if i could drink like everyone else could i wouldnt end up in a mess or do things i would be ashamed of the next day

but the fact was and is i am not like other people i can not drink and drink without getting drunk, if i get drunk then who knows what i might do in that state

but i had to keep on trying to control my drinking until in the end i did enough to drive everyone who loved me away from me

people get sick of it and sick of us in time

so i am glad you have got away with it this time elle so what are you going to do to make sure it never happens again ?

there is only one way that i know of that i can make sure i dont end up drunk and therefore i dont end up waking up the next day full of that fear and shame

if i dont pick up that first drink i can not get to the 10th drink or get drunk

i learned this simple thing in aa and i learned a hell of lot more besides but that one rule for me holds true
no matter what happens in my life on any given day so long as i dont pick up that first drink i am in with a chance

but first of all i have to come to accpet it all without any more wishes or feelings that once the heat dies down i can go back to drinking again as thats what i always did before

good luck to you

Glad you're back ElleDee :)

D