Verte

x one million plus.

Dee74

Please let us know how you are as soon as you can Haennie.

D

Soberpotamus

Wishing you well, Haennie. I didn't realize things had gotten to this point for you. Hope to hear from you soon.

zerothehero

I'm praying for you, girl, and I don't even know what I'm praying to...

Venecia

Peace be with you, Haennie.

I'm relieved to hear that you've decided to seek help. Burdens sometimes become too heavy to be carried alone.

Know that you've got a whole world of people here on SR keeping you close in their thoughts.

Aellyce

Hi, everyone

Okay, seriously. I don't really know how to respond... don't think I've ever experienced such care, love, and support. But maybe I just never let myself feel it

So the ER doctors today put me on a moderate dose of an anti-psychotic med and instructed to discuss further management with my psychiatrist on Monday. They also gave me and prescribed a sleep aid, I think I will take it tonight at least.

An important piece of information that I did not share with you here is related to my past love relationship. I wrote here about that that story many times, so I won't repeat. What happened recently is that the head of one of the departments I'm affiliated with at work, invited him to give a seminar. And asked me to host him. It was this Wednesday. I had to guide him to the room, announce his talk, lead the discussion after his talk, and also go to a work dinner with him and a few other professors. I did well with all this, but I really lost it when he was sending many emails and texts to me afterward. In one email there was a link to this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cQh1ccqu8M

He's still a drinker. He knows I am not but says whatever I am and do, he can't get away from me mentally, but whatever I want. He is still in town. NO WAY!

Thanks so much, again. I feel I belong here, and it's not something I felt before.

Dee74

Nickelback would be a deal breaker for me too...lol.

Seriously...there be dragons. I hope the guy backs off.

I'm really glad you're ok too

D

Verte

Oh Haennie!

You are such a shiny bright star - you definitely do not need that intrusiveness in your life. Overjoyed that you are taking care of and putting yourself first. Take care of your mind and emotions and keep that door closed, my friend.

Dee is right (as usual )

LBrain

Sending positive vibes your way.

Nuudawn

Hell yeah.

Ya ever see that old print that was popular years ago...
It was all these icons sitting at a cafe...James Dean, Marilyn, Elvis...maybe Bogart?
I have no idea why I am suddenly reminded of it..

But..

Don't you dare be leaving that red swivel stool.

Dee74

Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Gottfried Helnwein



It's a riff on Nighthawks



by Edward Hopper back in the 40s

I've always had a soft spot for both

D

Aellyce

Thanks again, everyone.

Haha Nuu and Dee - we could have painted an even never version of Nighthawks about me, my ex, and my colleagues on Wednesday in the restaurant "Broken Dreams" would be an appropriate title for that image as well. I survived the challenge, though, without any accident. I was prepared for it mentally, I knew that he was coming two months ago. We separated physically when I moved to NY in the fall of 2009, but the crazy virtual connection did not even lessen for ~2 more years. Then I saw him at a conference over 2 years ago that I could not avoid, but I wanted to avoid anything private with him...did not make it. It was a giant relapse regarding the obsession and it made me (us) so crazy again, it scared the *** out of me... and that was when I cut all connection with him and asked him to never write to me or call me again. I even deleted the private email account that I used with him. He respected that and I believe stayed away also for the sake of his own sanity, but started sending me a few emails again early this year (there is no way I can hide on the web), just after I got sober. I never responded, then he stopped. And now my colleague wanted to invite him for a work visit and asked me to host him because we used to work in the same institute before I moved to NY... I did not say no to that, it would have been weird. So I saw him again after years, and he started with the messages again while here... Same old. I think he also still drinks the same way. So now I responded to him and explained the whole recovery journey and that I cannot afford to just hook up with him "causally", to just have some fun once, because clearly there has never been "once" for us. And I'm pretty sure if I restarted anything with him, that would screw me up completely, the whole recovery would fall with it, and I am not sure there would be another recovery in me. Won't test the hypothesis anyway. It really hurts to talk to him like this... but I just don't see another option.

I was really tempted, though... I recognized exactly the same thought process in this as regarding alcohol and when I had cravings, the temptation we all know very well: "maybe I could have only one... it would be fun and we don't even have the opportunity for a lot more since we no longer live in the same city... why not..." NO! I did exactly the same as I used to do when I had strong urges to drink: played the tape through.

So I am sure that at least in part, meeting him and even earlier, the anticipation and fear associated with it, contributed to the mess in my mind this week. Can't say how much, but I think I underestimated my vulnerability about all this recently. It's just so frustrating... will this ever be 100% over in my mind? It's so very similar to my alcohol addiction. And it's not that I can't have a healthy, normal relationship now, I've been in one since this guy and I separated, and that wasn't crazy at all. Just this one... totally like the "drug of choice" phenomenon.

So I do feel better now, not sure if it's the medication I got, or that I finally got some decent sleep last night, or that my ex is leaving today so I am no longer in acute danger about him. Definitely those racing thoughts are gone from my head, now I just feel tired and kinda slow. It's been a helluva two weeks for sure.

I can't express appropriately how much I appreciate all the compassion, sage advice, and support I've been getting here from everyone. I can only hope to be able to return it to this wonderful community. The comments I got in the beginning of this thread about "turning off my brain" and taking breaks from looking for answers to everything are golden of course... I have known these things about myself since my teens really, and I do pay attention to this tendency and try to balance my thinking and general mental intensity with activities that help level all this. I also think that probably I should not get overly paranoid when I have days like this week, when my mind goes on overdrive, just let it be.

Thank you so so much!!

SoberLeigh

Haennie, you never cease to amaze me. You are so strong and so self-aware (and in times of such challenges - all the more impressive.)

EndGameNYC

Hi haennie.

One of the problems with self-medicating with alcohol is that it often "works." Given the breadth and intensity of all the ever-present physical and psychological symptoms that accompany heavy drinking, to say nothing of the chaos we create most days, it's a great distraction from other, more insidious psychological and emotional states. Alcohol helps us to hold up our creaky house like worn stilts on a shack near the beach. But when the storm inevitably hits during sobriety, and our former remedy is no longer available, the shack collapses and we need something different, something more reliable and more stable, to bring us to the safety of solid ground.

My storm was major depression, which didn't rear its debilitating head until I was sober for ~twelve years, and which haunted me for at least another year following my diagnosis. And then there were later episodes. There were tangible losses in my life at the time of my first episode, but what I was experiencing was much different and much more than ordinary grief. And though I was not at all suicidal during that stretch, I often wished that I were dead. That initial episode of depression was later transformed into one helluva learning experience, providing further evidence that I knew how to survive and that I knew how to take care of myself, among much else.

Yeah, loss (real or potential) is a huge issue for most of us, and right now you're getting a big dose of it. "Keeping busy" in both words and deeds is not always the best remedy. The Universe offers no prizes for those who attempt to figure it out, and doesn't really care one way or the other. Those of us who analyze behavior, our own and that of others (and who get paid for doing so), often pay a heavy price, a double-edge sword that exacts payment at the worst possible times. We miss out on living life by examining it like a physician interested in the workings of human physiology, removing a patient's heart in order to save her so that he may better understand and examine her internal organs. To quote Wordsworth, "We murder to dissect."

Curiosity is a wonderful thing that carries a great deal of therapeutic currency. I often nurture curiosity with my patients, being as it is a valuable and often efficient antidote for cynicism and despair. The appropriate question is rarely "Why?", and appropriate dosing is an acquired skill that we rarely consider. Trying to figure out why I drank was always a futile, unsatisfying endeavor; just another version of distracting me from myself, and my life. What drinking did for me was more or less obvious, but what I was willing to do to live a better life, to live without the excruciating burden of creating an all-consuming and destructive fantasy, and to slowly shed my formidable defenses, only brought me to a much better place.

You've done a great job in getting sober. You'll have a year in less than two months. You've read here from me and so many others how much better life can be when we're sober, and that's always in the offing for those who put down the drink and go about the business of living their lives. (Though it's often much less like "business" than it is like a lifetime's worth of free time.)

Stay together, haennie. Alone and together. And let the love in. It seems to be such a rare and precious commodity that we often don't recognize it when it's there.

Nuudawn

Haennie...in my mind, you amping up your self care right now is beyond wise.

I was 4 months sober last year..no drinking, no smoking, back at the gym...living large.

I picked up a drink (and the slide started)..I picked up a cigarette...I picked up my insane on-again-off-again relationship.

I started trying to get back up the damn hill last May...whilst still in the insane relationship.

Yes...it is ALL the same thing

(P.S. I HAD reached out to the insane relationship...before the drink....just remembered)

Aellyce

Nuu... thank you Yeah I definitely learned to seek help for myself the hard way. I had a very pronounced tendency and pattern in my life to NOT seek help when younger. A false sense of independence and self-sufficiency. And I think in part I kept that behavior for so long because I was actually rewarded for it all the time from external sources. Well, long story that started in my childhood with the relationship with my parents and then continued for decades, often reinforced from my own chosen relationships, both personal and professional. I was always admired for my so called independence and autonomy, and for my relentless inspiration from within, apparently always seeking and following my heart's desires. Often also when everyone else around me suggested it's an impossibility, I should not do this or that, it's far too risky. I've never been afraid of taking those sorts of risks and diving into the unknown. Until all this got turned upside down by the progress of my alcoholism, and then of course many of my attempts to find meaningful things in life and in my connections with others got really distorted, and I did not have the discipline I'd had before, to follow up anyways...

EndGame - your insights are suggestions are of course spot on. You just described with formidable accuracy a few mental and behavioral tendencies that have caused some of my most major personal challenges with "being the kind of person I am". I know that you also know some of these same challenges from your own life experience, I think no one could deny our similarities here on SR It's no surprise, or accidental, that we have also chosen similar professional routes, and have many similar interests, of course. I know perfectly well that I am not alone with my callings, my inspirations, my problem areas... and yeah, I also know that the best focus of inquiries and investigations is rarely the "why"... I know that when I focus on that, it tends to be a not always healthy, but old habit. I know how these things are defenses, thinking that knowledge will save me, and maybe even save the world around me... It's an illusion and defense for sure beyond a certain dose. And here you are right again about the "dosing" regarding curiosity and questioning the nature of everything. See, all these things were some of my most important realizations in my early-to-mid 30's, pretty much like in the story of Buddhism, why I like those philosophies and the practices they offer to live a more balanced and peaceful life.

And yeah, I relate to a depressive episode becoming the source of great and unforeseen lessons and life changed. That was when I learned to accept and seek external help... simply because I had no other choice. Still not formally as a patient, just from my colleagues who had to work with dysfunctional me and for some reason, instead of getting rid of me, decided to save me... it was definitely one of the most debilitating experiences I've had, totally cut me off from that inner source of motivation and drive I always had earlier and that people admired about me. I've only had one such episode so far, lasting ~6 months at its most intense, but I would not wish it on anyone. These occasional days of "craziness" I've had this week are nothing in comparison.

As for (not) letting the love in and letting myself experience it fully... another old feature of mine. But it's never constant, I've been fluctuating between quite extremes regarding this throughout my life. Either a lot of defense and walls, or no boundaries. This is why I so enjoyed that thread we had some time ago from RobbyRobot, titled Authenticity... I think I'm a lot like him in that area that was discussed there, regarding mentality and emotions.

In my case, I think a lot of this is fear-based. I know perfectly well that I am an emotionally very intense individual, but I like to fight it and turn it into analysis... this is what I think I should let go of, these attempts to control. I've been aware of this for many years now but still keep falling back to the same trap every now and then. I guess it's a learning curve.

The love for my father and his love for me is something I know I should definitely let in and let both myself and him experience it as long as it is possible... I want to do better at this now. As for my ex... I would also be content with communicating some and letting him do things that help him grow and feel less guilty about our past, but they would have to be different things from trying to tempt me into his hotel room or sending me silly video clips... I would be open to true reconciliation that supports the mental health of both of us. But not to his attempts so far.

I absolutely believe without the slightest doubt that stable sober life offers so much... much more than we could ever envision with the ever-changing and limited mindset even freshly sober. I have no intention of challenging that, or breaking my sobriety. I did have thoughts of drinking these past two weeks, along with more general "screw it all" feelings...I would be lying if I did not admit to it. But no, won't be heading down that road.

PurpleKnight

It's easy for alcohol to crop into the mind, we love a quick fix!!

But as you say a Sober life offers soo much more than the fairytales and myths alcohol tries to sell us!!

SR has your back Haennie!! Hang in there!!

Aellyce

Hey everyone,

I did not think this update would deserve a new thread, but I felt compelled to share with those of you who have been interested in and following my recent rollercoaster rides

I'm taking a couple days on the tip of Long Island, partly for work (have a collaboration here) but mainly just chill... I canceled the psychiatrist appointment I made last week, as I think those things were settled quite well after my ER visit and my subsequent judgment. I think the anti-psychotic med I got at the ER helped me acutely, but I don't want to take it long-term for now. Just too many side-effects vs the benefits I can get occasionally. Very open to adjustments as needed, though. So meds-free again right now and no problems. I do want to consult my doctor about all this though, maybe in a week or two.

I had a wonderful conversation with my dad yesterday. He is doing relatively good right now. I'm bound to go see him, again for ~2 weeks, for the Christmas holidays. I am determined to trying to do better than last time, and truly give most of the time to him, to us. I think I understood what threw me off last time (>2 weeks ago) and I will try not to do that again.

Other than these, things are quite relaxed for me right now... let's see how long

Thanks for listening, again!

Aellyce

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WcWHZc8s2I

This is beautiful to me. Nothing to do with skin color, race, etc. I am a pretty white European, by nature. But a Cosmopolitan by heart