Aellyce

When I was ~5 months sober (this past summer), I totally lost the process. I did not drink, but got engaged in many of my old, dysfunctional behaviors, and I could not stop them for a while. My attention span was either like 2 seconds or days on no end with the same thing. What made me visit a psychiatrist was that I experienced pretty intense mental states that are described as "mixed states" for bipolar. I had those also while I was drinking (very frequently, almost all the time really), then they went away for a while after getting sober, and came back again around the 4-5 month mark. Surprising, psychiatrist diagnosed me with severe anxiety, and symptoms that border on bipolar II but did not actually meet diagnostic criteria. He put me on meds for the anxiety with the warning that it might make my mood swings worse, and if it does, I should call him immediately. That's what happened. Twice. So I stopped the meds after a few weeks.

It's been all "up" since, really. I have been facing some serious stresses (both emotional and practical) recently, and in some moments (on some days) I feel I'm losing it again, but honestly, it is not the case. I am really handling it and even in my mind, the stresses and challenges cause much less turmoil. It's important, for me, to not get too hooked on momentary feelings that can be still very intense.

strategery

Life to me is a series of peaks and valleys. There will be good times and bad times. I don't think you're a spaz at all. You're just dealing with the peaks and valleys without the alcohol, which is awesome to where it feels much rawer. I think the longer you go without alcohol, the less intense it will be to deal with these peaks and valleys.

CAPTAINZING2000

I still have some insecurities after several years. I no longer get over whelmed by them.

What did help me early on was staying active. The mind early in recovery is a dangerous play ground.

Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Manage and watch your words, for they will become your actions. Consider and judge your actions, for they have become your habits. Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they shall become your values. Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.
Mahatma Gandhi

EndGameNYC

Bear in mind, Nuudawn, that moving has always been listed among the top five most stressful life events, usually coming in at number three. Everybody hates moving, even if the move promises a better life. The process itself drags us out of our everydayness and thrusts us into the new and the unfamiliar, no matter how familiar we are with the social and geographical surroundings. We often go kicking and screaming, not because we're expecting the worst, but because we are leaving a place where both failure and success occurred, where we created many of our life's memories, and because we don't know what will happen next in a very real and immediate way.

Soberwolf

My first year was all about learning at 15 months i am still learning

Nowsthetime

I was all good at first now I'm at almost 8 months and im having the worse emotional turmoil... Trying to be patient and wait it out.

soberclover

I'm not sure if there is a specific time period. For me, I think it has to do with when I decided to move through and learn about what makes me me. People can accumulate sober time by not picking up a drink/drug but not do any of the heart and mind work on issues or reasons why we drank or used drugs. When I started the journey through the heart and mind and came through the other end, I found I could handle a lot more life that came my way. I believe people relapse because they aren't willing to do the work; that is why I relapsed. I have almost two years and I still have crap days. But I know there will be good days too.

ArtFriend

I haven't heard the word "spaz" used since I was in jr high! Great term tho!

silentrun

Wowzer. I think you just interpreted a recurring dream I have been having. I am in house and it's endlessly huge. At first I think it is someone else's and then a realize it's mine. When that happens I panic thinking I can't afford it and I want my old house back. In reality my house is nothing special but I do love it. In the dream I'm the house aren't I?

Nuudawn

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences with me..especially those of emotional trial and subsequent insight (Haennie : ). There is just now way I could do this without all of you.

Although I definitely prefer a position of supporting others..when I am not such an oozing mess..well, it is when we lean in when we are indeed oozing messes that we understand how this help us not return to our old outdated emotional structures that not only..no longer serve us..but harm and stunt us.

Thank you so much. Yes, I know I am biting off a lot here Endgame..but I honestly feel I must. I cannot live with my mother anymore (for a myriad of reasons)..this town is economically well...inadequate. I need a fresh start...I need to get away from all of this to focus on rebuilding my life.

I am terrified and heartbroken..but it is what I am doing. There is simply no other choice.

Nuudawn

A dream interpreter told me that once...the house represents the body.

I have long had a recurring dream of my childhood home where I CANNOT lock the basement door (which was the entry we all used..front door was for guests lol). I try everything I can..but I cannot get that door to stay shut or locked. It is always terrifying.

Anyone for boundary issues???

Carlotta

Well the good part is that unlike those ladies you speak the language, you have a computer and a cell and can stay in touch with your support system They must have been so scared.
(I was originally going to post a picture of an overburden little donkey but did not want you to take it the wrong way since you have been feeling raw).

Verte

Dear Nuu...you offer so much! You share not only your triumphs and oozes but everything in between Just in case you are not aware, this takes so much courage.

A month ago or so I was experiencing intense emotional stress and work deadlines. Because I write in the night I usually pad around in my house slippers while there is quiet and others are asleep. I seriously found myself standing in the middle of a hallway looking all around me with gritted teeth, clenched fists and an urgency to find...something. Had someone handed me a bottle of anything I would have swigged without thought.

Instead I reached for my red pepper lip gloss and was amazed at the sense of calm that the 'flaming lips in a tube' provided. And I padded back to my writing with tears in my eyes. There was a time when I would do things repeatedly, reach for things that were not supportive of me, without any thought. Like an abdication of my self. And a dumb little tube of lip gloss fills a void, ushering in a tiny bit more clarity and sense of calm?! So be it. I started a thread about it because I just did not know what to do.

We are doing it Nuu. You are doing it! Spaz away knowing that you are probably releasing some endorphins while not necessarily hurting yourself along the way. Spazzing is so much better than some alternatives.

Proud of you my friend!! Thanks for sharing your road. Try to go easy on yourself these days.

Verte

Rolling on the floor with tears in my eyes! This is so thoughtful, Carlotta. An overburdened little donkey trying to run at top speed is an excellent visual for the bumps along the way.

Hee-haw. Hee-haw.

*do not mean to hijack Nuu...but my inner little donkey could not pass up commentary. Thanks for the smile Carlotta.

EndGameNYC

My comments were not at all intended as a criticism or a caution. Just hoping that I can add to your already considerable awareness.

Reaching out for help and support is a gift, both for the person in need and for those who are willing to help.

fini

Nu,
from a spaz you'll likely grow into a spaetzle.
google it
you'll be okay; just keep on keeping on. sounds trite, i know, but give yourself time.

EndGameNYC

Hi sr. (sr?)

I'm among those who believe that dream symbolism is less universal and more personal than those who are content with reducing symbols to a few select meanings, regardless of who's dreaming them up. And, with Freud, I believe that dreams most often are symbolic of wish fulfillment on the part of the dreamer, as well as mostly unconscious fears that we carry.

It's all about the associations the dreamer makes with the dream, and about the dreamer's history and present situation. But let's have a go at it anyway...I'll bring in my own associations.

What you describe is a house that, far from providing safety and security, only causes you to be overwhelmed by fear, perhaps even loathing. It's an "endlessly huge" house and therefore beyond your means...not at all a "home" in the traditional meaning of that word. It's too much for you, and in more than one way. So, we've arrived at some basic insecurity that presents as rejection of (at least parts of) yourself. You don't want what's yours. At the very least, you need to "downsize" in order to feel safe. A wish to keep things simple, or make what's complicated and overwhelming more manageable. Along with the fear that it won't be.

In a sense, each of us is "endlessly huge," if only because there is always "more" of us to explore, more things to do, more things to be and to become. Just "keeping clean" the house you describe would be exhausting, an endless task with dubious benefits. Due in large part to our mortality (which, one would think, should be the greatest source of motivation for living a good life) we cannot be everything for everyone. We cannot know everything there is to know, even about ourselves. And we cannot do everything we set out to do. I don't make the rules; I just try break them when it suits me.

Yet the house you love, your "perfect" house, is also "nothing special." Hmm...Is not loving something or someone, by definition, not something or someone "special" to us by virtue of our love for them? We should never confuse perfectionism -- that most futile, depleting and fruitless pursuit known to humankind -- with anything at all that has to do with love or loving. Remember, even the handsome prince was once (and may still be) a frog. And what's wrong with frogs anyway?

I've got lots more on your dream, but I fear I'll still be typing when the sun rises.

silentrun

Thanks Endgame. I am going to reread what you wrote because I barely am understanding it. I really do appreciate it because of your skill set. I was just thinking how appropriate it was not only for Nuu's move but also for those of us making the leap into the unknown of sobriety.
Everybody hates moving, even if the move promises a better life. The process itself drags us out of our everydayness and thrusts us into the new and the unfamiliar, no matter how familiar we are with the social and geographical surroundings. We often go kicking and screaming, not because we're expecting the worst, but because we are leaving a place where both failure and success occurred, where we created many of our life's memories, and because we don't know what will happen next in a very real and immediate way.

PS that frog has a really nice turd cutter

Nuudawn

Ya know...I quite like the overburdened little donkey idea.
For so many years...I think I resonated so much more with a wild horse..hard to corral or tame. I've kicking and biting a long time.

But now...I think I PREFER being an overburdened little donkey. A mule is a work animal. It get the job done. It is useful..and of purpose. Ya...I like it.

Frog? Turdcutter? Silentrun..what'd I miss.

LeTheVerte...geez, I love you woman.

Another emotionally exhausting YET..freaking insightful day. I really feel like I'm finally "getting things" I have never GOT previous.

Instead of feeling like I will never love again..never trust..never open...as I have vowed with every other bitter, self pitying ending previous.

Uh uh. I'm just getting better. You have to trust and risk.

Some will. Some won't. Someone's waiting. (old sales adage yes).

But...hey for the next while I'm on a strict no dating policy. I'm even wearing a fake "costume" engagement ring on my left hand. I found it whilst packing. Yup...wearing that for awhile. I'm married to myself.

bookmaven

Someone once said they wear a "sobriety ring" because they are committed to their recovery 100%.