Lusher

I've been sober now for close to 15 months. I have experienced many of the benefits from abstaining from alcohol, which includes much more energy, more exercise, better sleep, better health and the like.

I have, however, noticed that my sex life is not what is use to be. Physically everything is fine, as I had a full blood panel done back when I first stopped. However, I have noticed that things are not quite as 'spicy' as they use to be when I was drinking, and the frequency has somewhat diminished.

I suspect that perhaps when I was drinking a lot, my inhibitions were reduced to some degree, however I've never really been too self conscious, so I'm not even sure it was that. It seems as though it's just not as 'fun' as it was, or moreover, not as exciting without the buzz.

I should add that I have been in a monogamous relationship for close to nine years, so I know that can play a small part as far as things becoming a bit stale, but I really don't feel that's the case either.

I was just wondering if anybody else has noticed any differences in their relationships when it comes to this?

FreeOwl

yes.

What I am finding is that in sobriety, a lot of need for emotional healing is arising. I am finding that wounds long-held beneath the surface need tending to and that I need to work through a lot of aspects of relationship dynamics, self-esteem, confidence and unconscious beliefs.

Substances kept those things at bay. Switched them off. Gave me illusions that had an impact in a lot of areas, and sex is not immune to these.

In healing and having a sober, healthy lifestyle and relationships, I am finally learning - as a grown man - that sexual intimacy is a complex interplay of physical, psychological, emotional and chemical influences.

While at times this has resulted in frustrating new experiences, the upshot is that it's calling attention to things that need healing in me. It's creating new kinds of communication in my relationship. It's making me see things that I never really understood about my relationships and my views about sex.

What I believe it happening, is that I am growing, evolving, coming to a place where sex is beyond a physical act but is truly an intimate sharing.

That takes time for us to 'learn' because we numbed it for many years. There will be growing pains and there may be frustrations, concern, fear. What I am learning to do is just roll with it and try not to assign so much importance to it as I have in my life. What I am learning to do is trust that it's unfolding as it should and that if I take the time and the patience to question and communicate and grow - there awaits a much more meaningful, deeper and more complete way of living where sexual intimacy is concerned.

In short.... yeah. I think it's pretty 'normal', and you'll be ok.

anattaboy

Some weeks on, some off.

earlyriser

Better! (at about 6 weeks in) Mostly because I'm not passed out! But also because I am less reactive throughout the day, and more appreciative and patient with my husband.

Earlyriser

Fly N Buy

Frankly, alcohol made me feel more amorous. Frequency is much less but more intense

XIIIXXIXXVI

Sobriety has absolutely changed my sex life! Now it's non-existent... But for the better. No more random hookups, no more waking up next to guys I met out at the bar or at a party who looked like Clooney at the moment and just plain Looney the morning after. I will get my sex life back [healthily] when I am in a relationship. One built on genuine affection, love, and attraction. Not emptiness.

B

ru12

Well, I remember it after now.

I think being fully present and not hiding behind a haze of booze can feel
quite raw and exposed.

Soberwolf

Mr and Mrs Soberwolf are regulary very happy more so in sobriety

Yes its a lot better in sobriey

feels awkward saying it lol but yes its awesome

Weasel1966

I wont go into what crack, coke and ecstasy does for the mind games of sex. Add the excess of drinking and I had well over a decade of sex I don't even consider real sex.

I have yet to restart that part of me. I am in no rush.

Hereandnow2

Lusher I feel the same way as you! I've been married 9 years so I'm sure that could be part of it but at the same time I feel closer to my husband but sex feels awkward for me. I have five months sober roughly so I'm sure it will improve over time .

soberclover

That is a whole lot of badly written chapters in my life book due to drinking. Not yet interested in writing new chapters. Maybe someday but not now.

escapethecycle2

at about two weeks, I haven't really had much of a sex drive, but I attribute that to my body regulating.

fantail

I definitely had more of a drive while drinking, even if not drunk — I think that I was depleting my endorphins so much that I'd generally be craving a hit of positive hormones a lot more strongly.

The lowered inhibitions thing definitely helped when I was actually drinking, so I need to work on my sober confidence.

Overall though, it's not enough to worry me... I think I'll get back to normal as I level out. And the minor hit to my sex drive is more than balanced out by my ability to not get super emotional over minor conflicts. My relationship is definitely more stable now, even just a few weeks in. I'm a pretty sensitive person emotionally so things go a lot more smoothly when I'm able to calmly evaluate how I'm feeling and decide whether it's really something my partner did or just me feeling thin-skinned for other reasons. Not fighting over stupid things will surely help our sex life over time.

MissOverIt

I found that I'm physically more amorous when hungover, which is bizarre. Or perhaps it is just part of the "forgive me" routine the day after drinking. Either way my sex life hasn't slowed down too much during my sober stretches, but I do feel a little more emotionally raw and exposed which can be a turn off. (for me)

Thomasthetank

For some reason during hangovers my thoughts always went to sex. No idea why. Glad I'm not crazy.

ArtFriend

What's a sex life?

Fishcakes4

I don't know yet, I had a hysterectomy a week before I became sober for good so I'm on knockin' boots restriction lol I'm kind of scared to see though because when I was drinking a lot of times it was the best for me and my husband lol

Nowsthetime

MissOT, I was the same way!!! Now my sex life is good , frequency is a little less but spicyness is the same or better. Part of this is because my husband thought that our sex life would be less "spicy" so at the beginning I was out to prove him wrong but then it happened that sex sober is just awesome... I will be married 11 years in December. Also; like PP said, since I am less of a jerky I get along better with hubby, which in turn makes for more intimacy and a better relationship all together.

JanieJ

Ha ! Don't know -been single for way too long !

Perhaps it really is time to join that convent.. ;-)

Seriously, though, sex was always uninhibited fun with a drink.

Don't know how I will approach it in the future with all my other hang ups....

Those of you in stable relationships, count yourselves lucky that you have someone familiar to practice on

sickofthiscrap

I don't have a sex life. I'm single and not into casual anymore (being drunk made me not care too much who I slept with or when). At the moment I don't care and don't really even have a libido.