Staring into the Abyss (Note to self)
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manchester
Posts: 104
Staring into the Abyss (Note to self)
I am going to come clean with you all and myself.
I need alcohol like I need a hole in the head. I spend way too much money on buying it. It doesnt do what it used to which was offer me an escape. I know if I continue drinking it will damage my health irreversibly, I know I can stop.
So why do I do it ? Why do I continue to drink and be back at day one again like today.
I drink to punish myself.
There, it's that simple. I am a habitual self harmer, who uses alcohol as a medium to inflict harm on myself and punish myself.
Why do I punish myself ?
I do this because I am frustrated that I am not the Great Man, I can be and I am capable of becoming. Falling short, my daily penance is to drink myself into a stupor so I do not have to face the reality of my shortcomings and my hangovers provide suitable penance for not being who I should become.
Why don't I stay stopped, once I stop drinking ?
I do not stay sober even though I am capable of doing so, because I become impatient that it will take a long time sober, to become the person I can be, allowing depression to take hold of me, I resort to any excuse will do to resume drinking at a faster more deliberate rate than before.
Why will it be different this time ?
I have forgiven myself for my shortcomings, I have apologised to my body, mind and spirit and have made a pact with myself that for as long as I shall live, I will not drink again.
When I am drunk, I stare into the Abyss and I realise I am alone. When I am sober and I stare into the Abyss, I realise I am alone still. So how is drinking helping me ? It isnt.
Note to self, read everyday in your post history for reasons not to drink again.
I need alcohol like I need a hole in the head. I spend way too much money on buying it. It doesnt do what it used to which was offer me an escape. I know if I continue drinking it will damage my health irreversibly, I know I can stop.
So why do I do it ? Why do I continue to drink and be back at day one again like today.
I drink to punish myself.
There, it's that simple. I am a habitual self harmer, who uses alcohol as a medium to inflict harm on myself and punish myself.
Why do I punish myself ?
I do this because I am frustrated that I am not the Great Man, I can be and I am capable of becoming. Falling short, my daily penance is to drink myself into a stupor so I do not have to face the reality of my shortcomings and my hangovers provide suitable penance for not being who I should become.
Why don't I stay stopped, once I stop drinking ?
I do not stay sober even though I am capable of doing so, because I become impatient that it will take a long time sober, to become the person I can be, allowing depression to take hold of me, I resort to any excuse will do to resume drinking at a faster more deliberate rate than before.
Why will it be different this time ?
I have forgiven myself for my shortcomings, I have apologised to my body, mind and spirit and have made a pact with myself that for as long as I shall live, I will not drink again.
When I am drunk, I stare into the Abyss and I realise I am alone. When I am sober and I stare into the Abyss, I realise I am alone still. So how is drinking helping me ? It isnt.
Note to self, read everyday in your post history for reasons not to drink again.
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Recovery can help you learn to love the person that you are. And, by doing that, you will be on the way to becoming the person you want to be. You have made a great decision to stop drinking.
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Hey aloneatlast,
I use to wonder why I always drank as much as I did. I told myself many reasons, but at the end of the day I was still always drunk. I was not upset or even depressed. I just preferred to be drunk and I liked it, and I really don't know why.
I suppose the point of that is, it seems to me that we are drawn to alcohol for any number of reasons. When I say "we" I am referring to people who seem to always want to drink, like myself.
This is why I stopped. I had started to do some damage to the liver and I suppose I was scared straight, so to speak.
Your plan to stop is a good one, regardless on why you drink. This stuff does do damage if you give it time.
I use to wonder why I always drank as much as I did. I told myself many reasons, but at the end of the day I was still always drunk. I was not upset or even depressed. I just preferred to be drunk and I liked it, and I really don't know why.
I suppose the point of that is, it seems to me that we are drawn to alcohol for any number of reasons. When I say "we" I am referring to people who seem to always want to drink, like myself.
I know if I continue drinking it will damage my health irreversibly..
Your plan to stop is a good one, regardless on why you drink. This stuff does do damage if you give it time.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Let's do this then. All the excuses in the world, all of the dumb rationale to continue drinking is like not pulling the rip cord on a parachute because you want to free fall one more foot. But then boom, ran out of feet.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manchester
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Serenidad 
I really relate to everything you said!!! I am there too. I hope we can both stop punishing ourselves. :-(
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We are like hampsters on that bloody wheel, going around everyday hoping for it to stop, yet running faster and faster, still hoping for it to stop.
I drank yesterday, hard and heavy and just sat there depressed, hating that I was reduced to sipping away uncontrollably. The more I drank the worse I felt but I was unable to stop or so I thought.
I realise now, it was a part of me, punishing another part of me. Afterall the drink was just a liquid it had no power, its only power was to intoxicate me, once inside of me.
So my only defence against this action, is to no allow any alcohol inside of me. If it cannot get inside me, then I cannot hurt myself with it. If I cannot hurt myself with it, then I am free to focus on other things besides clockwatching to the evening when I can drink again.
If I focus on other things, who knows maybe I will become a Great Man. I have allowed people all of my life to tell me, I am not good enough or why I am so special and I taken that in.
I will now tell myself, I no longer need alcohol and it has no place in my body, I am a Great Man and will have many Great Achievements and if I fail, I will try again and again until I succeed.
This is my promise to myself, this is my destiny, not to die by own hand, abusing alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 14
Thank you aloneatlast. You put into words so perfectly all these things I've never been able to explain to my husband. He just doesn't understand the need to punish yourself, fortunately he's just not that way. Thank you.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by aloneatlast
I do not stay sober even though I am capable of doing so, because I become impatient that it will take a long time sober, to become the person I can be, allowing depression to take hold of me, I resort to any excuse will do to resume drinking at a faster more deliberate rate than before.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Drinking is a great excuse, the ultimate cop-out. It gives you a reason for never doing anything or being forced to work towards fulfilling your potential. It will take some guts to give up that easy out and commit towards working to make something of yourself. Are you ready for that step?
My screen name is a reference to the work by Camus. He explains that Sisyphus, chained eternally to his burden, had two options; he could perform his labor as an act of defiance or as an act of love. He felt that the latter was the superior outlook. He should embrace the burden, get to know every nook and cranny of the stone he pushed uphill. And when it rolled back down again he should throw himself back into task of rolling it up again.
Drinking is really the ultimate self indulgence. Your self inflicted suffering is the worst kind of self indulgence. You become so comfortable in the victim role that you refuse to take the ultimate responsibility for your life that you deserve. That's a shame because in a world of things that are beyond our control that's the single choice that we can truly, freely make for ourselves. You sound a lot like I used to be; the doomed romantic hero of your own personal little tragedy. It's so much easier to give up than to risk failure.
You can lament the past and your lot in life. You can drink to numb yourself to your self chosen fate. You can spend your life looking for meaning which doesn't exist to be found in the first place.
Or you can create your own meaning. Which do you think is the nobler, more virtuous path, aloneatlast?
Time to make a hard choice. The fact that you came here at all is a good sign. So, finally, what shall it be, You can spend your life looking for meaning which doesn't exist to be found. Or you can create your own meaning. Which to you think is the nobler, more virtuous path, aloneatlast?
My screen name is a reference to the work by Camus. He explains that Sisyphus, chained eternally to his burden, had two options; he could perform his labor as an act of defiance or as an act of love. He felt that the latter was the superior outlook. He should embrace the burden, get to know every nook and cranny of the stone he pushed uphill. And when it rolled back down again he should throw himself back into task of rolling it up again.
Drinking is really the ultimate self indulgence. Your self inflicted suffering is the worst kind of self indulgence. You become so comfortable in the victim role that you refuse to take the ultimate responsibility for your life that you deserve. That's a shame because in a world of things that are beyond our control that's the single choice that we can truly, freely make for ourselves. You sound a lot like I used to be; the doomed romantic hero of your own personal little tragedy. It's so much easier to give up than to risk failure.
You can lament the past and your lot in life. You can drink to numb yourself to your self chosen fate. You can spend your life looking for meaning which doesn't exist to be found in the first place.
Or you can create your own meaning. Which do you think is the nobler, more virtuous path, aloneatlast?
Time to make a hard choice. The fact that you came here at all is a good sign. So, finally, what shall it be, You can spend your life looking for meaning which doesn't exist to be found. Or you can create your own meaning. Which to you think is the nobler, more virtuous path, aloneatlast?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manchester
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus
Drinking is a great excuse, the ultimate cop-out. It gives you a reason for never doing anything or being forced to work towards fulfilling your potential. It will take some guts to give up that easy out and commit towards working to make something of yourself. Are you ready for that step?
My screen name is a reference to the work by Camus. He explains that Sisyphus, chained eternally to his burden, had two options; he could perform his labor as an act of defiance or as an act of love. He felt that the latter was the superior outlook. He should embrace the burden, get to know every nook and cranny of the stone he pushed uphill. And when it rolled back down again he should throw himself back into task of rolling it up again.
Drinking is really the ultimate self indulgence. Your self inflicted suffering is the worst kind of self indulgence. You become so comfortable in the victim role that you refuse to take the ultimate responsibility for your life that you deserve. That's a shame because in a world of things that are beyond our control that's the single choice that we can truly, freely make for ourselves. You sound a lot like I used to be; the doomed romantic hero of your own personal little tragedy. It's so much easier to give up than to risk failure.
You can lament the past and your lot in life. You can drink to numb yourself to your self chosen fate. You can spend your life looking for meaning which doesn't exist to be found in the first place.
Or you can create your own meaning. Which do you think is the nobler, more virtuous path, aloneatlast?
Time to make a hard choice. The fact that you came here at all is a good sign. So, finally, what shall it be, You can spend your life looking for meaning which doesn't exist to be found. Or you can create your own meaning. Which to you think is the nobler, more virtuous path, aloneatlast?
My screen name is a reference to the work by Camus. He explains that Sisyphus, chained eternally to his burden, had two options; he could perform his labor as an act of defiance or as an act of love. He felt that the latter was the superior outlook. He should embrace the burden, get to know every nook and cranny of the stone he pushed uphill. And when it rolled back down again he should throw himself back into task of rolling it up again.
Drinking is really the ultimate self indulgence. Your self inflicted suffering is the worst kind of self indulgence. You become so comfortable in the victim role that you refuse to take the ultimate responsibility for your life that you deserve. That's a shame because in a world of things that are beyond our control that's the single choice that we can truly, freely make for ourselves. You sound a lot like I used to be; the doomed romantic hero of your own personal little tragedy. It's so much easier to give up than to risk failure.
You can lament the past and your lot in life. You can drink to numb yourself to your self chosen fate. You can spend your life looking for meaning which doesn't exist to be found in the first place.
Or you can create your own meaning. Which do you think is the nobler, more virtuous path, aloneatlast?
Time to make a hard choice. The fact that you came here at all is a good sign. So, finally, what shall it be, You can spend your life looking for meaning which doesn't exist to be found. Or you can create your own meaning. Which to you think is the nobler, more virtuous path, aloneatlast?
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