The D word
One bad mombre.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 22
The D word
I've been divorced for about a year now, and while drinking I was doing a good amount of online dating. Now that I'm sober, meeting a near-stranger for a first date WITHOUT ALCOHOL is way beyond my capacity right now.
How do other people do this? I'm not looking to date now--I'm still pretty raw and new to sobriety--but, for future reference...
How the hell do sober people date? I feel like I'm on an alien planet.
How do other people do this? I'm not looking to date now--I'm still pretty raw and new to sobriety--but, for future reference...
How the hell do sober people date? I feel like I'm on an alien planet.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 379
It would scare the crap out of me too. I'd probably try to arrange dates that don't involve awkwardly searching for conversation with a stranger over dinner, but instead focused on some sort of fun activity, so conversation would flow more naturally based on the activity, and if you didn't mesh then, well, at least you still got to have fun. Activity could be anything - horse riding, skiing lesson, bungee jump, whatever 
Or go to the cinema together before dinner, so at least you'd have something to talk about as an ice breaker.
Or go to the cinema together before dinner, so at least you'd have something to talk about as an ice breaker.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: TN
Posts: 58
Wow I have been struggling with this too *and* I can absolutley positively tell you it has been the root of my recent slip-ups alcohol wise. On my first post-breakup date, I decided to have 2x Guinness beers, I don't like them so I figured they would be self-regulating. I was able to stick with that for that date. I was social and we had a good time.
Fast forward to a few dates later - I brought along a couple of shots of mint schnapps for me and some coconut rum for her for while we watched a movie, as we didn't have time to get a drink beforehand. Guess what? After the movie we decided to go to a bar. $90 tab later, we were fighting for the first time and I was back to that mortified feeling the next day. I ended up just letting her go after that, I can't handle dating like that right now.
I've had a couple of zero-alcohol dates as well recently; they were both first and last dates. Makes me wonder.
Fast forward to a few dates later - I brought along a couple of shots of mint schnapps for me and some coconut rum for her for while we watched a movie, as we didn't have time to get a drink beforehand. Guess what? After the movie we decided to go to a bar. $90 tab later, we were fighting for the first time and I was back to that mortified feeling the next day. I ended up just letting her go after that, I can't handle dating like that right now.
I've had a couple of zero-alcohol dates as well recently; they were both first and last dates. Makes me wonder.
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Hey SoberLaura-
Your question is one that I have pondered on myself. I'm in a great relationship, but I have thought if things went south, how would I 'get out there' again without booze? I honestly don't think I've ever even had a date where alcohol was not involved. That was my life. I actually fear that if there's one thing that could sabotage my goals, it would be that. I would hope that I could reinvent myself in the dating world if need be, and stay strong with abstaining. Hopefully I will never have to know.
This is not a suggestion of any type, so I apologize, but you're definitely not alone with what you're feeling in this area.
Your question is one that I have pondered on myself. I'm in a great relationship, but I have thought if things went south, how would I 'get out there' again without booze? I honestly don't think I've ever even had a date where alcohol was not involved. That was my life. I actually fear that if there's one thing that could sabotage my goals, it would be that. I would hope that I could reinvent myself in the dating world if need be, and stay strong with abstaining. Hopefully I will never have to know.
This is not a suggestion of any type, so I apologize, but you're definitely not alone with what you're feeling in this area.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I've been in and out of sobriety enough during my adult life to know that I can only successfully date other sober people (or people who don't drink for some other reason - ie. they just don't drink). I've tried many a relationship with a drinker, and every single one has resulted in my returning to alcohol. Sometimes it takes a good long while, but I know deep down that they'll support the choice, as they don't understand what the problem is (because sober I seem pretty "together" - no way was I really an alcoholic), PLUS I know that I minimize my alcoholism when I explain my not-drinking to a dating prospect, so they haven't really even got a fair chance to accurately understand...
More than that though, and the sweet part, is that I really want to be with someone who speaks my language and identifies with my struggles and sobriety exploration. I want to partner with someone in AA, who values the process and is familiar with it. Who will understand that I am more shy sexually when sober. Who will laugh at my dorkiness and not expect me to be all-capable. Who will share my excitement and joy at the lovely fresh world, newly experienced.
The only problem with this plan is that the fellowship here is very small, and I went on a couple of dates with someone who I decided not to get involved with, and now feel tense and awkward when I find myself in a meeting with him. So, exploratory dating of a few different people, the getting-to-know-you type dating (which is how you figure out who you want...), could result in a community of AA rooms full of people I feel uncomfortable around.
The good news is that I can "check people out" surreptitiously during friendship/fellowship moments. The challenge is that people reveal their "real selves" in a wholly different way in relationship, and you are often "well in" the thing before you know that this is definitely not a match. By then, there are feelings involved, and men in AA are just as fragile emotionally as I am. That's how messes are made.
So, hopefully I'll pick well, and if not, I hope to be graceful enough and tough enough to sit through meetings with them and regain the friendship part.
I want relationship. Initially, I thought I likely wouldn't date for the first year. I've now decided that if I meet someone I like, who has a strong sobriety, I am open to getting to know them in a dating way, although I would take my time in developing a committed relationship. A lot of what I have to figure out about myself is in relation to others, and I don't want to completely cut myself off from that possibility if it feels right.
More than that though, and the sweet part, is that I really want to be with someone who speaks my language and identifies with my struggles and sobriety exploration. I want to partner with someone in AA, who values the process and is familiar with it. Who will understand that I am more shy sexually when sober. Who will laugh at my dorkiness and not expect me to be all-capable. Who will share my excitement and joy at the lovely fresh world, newly experienced.
The only problem with this plan is that the fellowship here is very small, and I went on a couple of dates with someone who I decided not to get involved with, and now feel tense and awkward when I find myself in a meeting with him. So, exploratory dating of a few different people, the getting-to-know-you type dating (which is how you figure out who you want...), could result in a community of AA rooms full of people I feel uncomfortable around.
The good news is that I can "check people out" surreptitiously during friendship/fellowship moments. The challenge is that people reveal their "real selves" in a wholly different way in relationship, and you are often "well in" the thing before you know that this is definitely not a match. By then, there are feelings involved, and men in AA are just as fragile emotionally as I am. That's how messes are made.
So, hopefully I'll pick well, and if not, I hope to be graceful enough and tough enough to sit through meetings with them and regain the friendship part.
I want relationship. Initially, I thought I likely wouldn't date for the first year. I've now decided that if I meet someone I like, who has a strong sobriety, I am open to getting to know them in a dating way, although I would take my time in developing a committed relationship. A lot of what I have to figure out about myself is in relation to others, and I don't want to completely cut myself off from that possibility if it feels right.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,382
Hey Laura
I put off dating for a while, for a few reasons. One dating is stressful (unless you're really lucky) and stress meant drinking for me.
The other factor was - I'd never been alone with myself - I was scared of that. I decided it was time to get to know who sober me really was.
The thing is, though, it took about 3 months before my emotions stopped leaping around and I could even start to define who I was, let alone get comfortable with that.
My advice is to take it easy - there's no rush here
D
I put off dating for a while, for a few reasons. One dating is stressful (unless you're really lucky) and stress meant drinking for me.
The other factor was - I'd never been alone with myself - I was scared of that. I decided it was time to get to know who sober me really was.
The thing is, though, it took about 3 months before my emotions stopped leaping around and I could even start to define who I was, let alone get comfortable with that.
My advice is to take it easy - there's no rush here
D
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
Like Dee, I took a good amount of time to just work on myself when I first got sober. It was suggested to me by my sponsor to wait a year before even thinking about dating again.
And I had all the same questions as you. Would I ever be able to find someone special as a sober person? Was I damaged goods? Was I doomed to socialize with people in church basements for the rest of my life?
But with time comes perspective. The truth was, I was a horrible boyfriend when I was drinking. I have countless failed relationships to show for it. I realized I used people like I used substances. I sought validation through dating and relationships rather than learning to love myself first. That first year of sobriety, I was in no position to be the partner I aspired to be.
Once I became more comfortable in sobriety, things kind of just happened naturally. Sure, I went on some bad dates sober, but I also met my current girlfriend. I was upfront about my recovery to everyone I went out with. No secrets this go around. I dated people who were either sober themselves or could take or leave alcohol. I met people through sober friends, sober activities and online.
So just concentrate on yourself now. No need to worry about issues you don't currently have to face. By the time you're ready, there won't be much to worry about. And you'll be much better equipped to deal with the highs and lows of dating/relationships without feeling the urge to resort to drinking.
And I had all the same questions as you. Would I ever be able to find someone special as a sober person? Was I damaged goods? Was I doomed to socialize with people in church basements for the rest of my life?
But with time comes perspective. The truth was, I was a horrible boyfriend when I was drinking. I have countless failed relationships to show for it. I realized I used people like I used substances. I sought validation through dating and relationships rather than learning to love myself first. That first year of sobriety, I was in no position to be the partner I aspired to be.
Once I became more comfortable in sobriety, things kind of just happened naturally. Sure, I went on some bad dates sober, but I also met my current girlfriend. I was upfront about my recovery to everyone I went out with. No secrets this go around. I dated people who were either sober themselves or could take or leave alcohol. I met people through sober friends, sober activities and online.
So just concentrate on yourself now. No need to worry about issues you don't currently have to face. By the time you're ready, there won't be much to worry about. And you'll be much better equipped to deal with the highs and lows of dating/relationships without feeling the urge to resort to drinking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Originally Posted by SoberLaura 
Now that I'm sober, meeting a near-stranger for a first date WITHOUT ALCOHOL is way beyond my capacity right now.
Cross that bridge later. Work on yourself and your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Somewhere USA
Posts: 238
I'm lucky in that I found someone who doesn't drink. Not an ex-drinker like myself, but someone who just doesn't enjoy it and thus, doesn't do it.
Believe it or not, they DO exist. And also, there are many people out there, men and women, who have had enough bad experience with others alcohol problems, that they are actively looking for sober people to date.
When I started dating again, online no less, I made it clear in my profile, that I no longer drink, and was looking for the same. Honestly, if you put down that you dont' drink, drinkers won't be hitting you up for a date.
Believe it or not, they DO exist. And also, there are many people out there, men and women, who have had enough bad experience with others alcohol problems, that they are actively looking for sober people to date.
When I started dating again, online no less, I made it clear in my profile, that I no longer drink, and was looking for the same. Honestly, if you put down that you dont' drink, drinkers won't be hitting you up for a date.
One bad mombre.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 22
Just to emphasize--I am so not going to be dating any time soon. I'm not ready, and I know 100% that if I got into a relationship right now, at some point I would start drinking again. Not worth it.
I'm really just curious about how I would even go about it when the time comes.
Thanks for all your responses. At the very least, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who is dealing with the issue.
L
I'm really just curious about how I would even go about it when the time comes.
Thanks for all your responses. At the very least, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who is dealing with the issue.
L
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
What Dee said. If your history is such that you move from one relationship to another, this is a great time to be with yourself, to work on yourself, and to get to know yourself better.
I don't generally meet people IRL who I've met online and who present an opportunity for a romantic relationship (at least in my mind), so that's not an issue for me.
In AA and in most respectable rehabs, we are cautioned not to get involved with someone in the first year since getting sober involves a great deal of emotional and physical upheaval (just as does early romance), among much else. Many newcomers to sobriety interpret this as jealousy or a twisted desire that they not have "fun" immediately after putting down the drink. Nothing is further from the truth. Many of us have witnessed the apocalyptic outcomes that getting involved in early sobriety brings, despite a few notable exceptions. (A friend of mine defines the mythical "Thirteenth Step" in this way: "My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone.")
I don't know that there's a satisfactory answer to your question beyond trial and error after you feel strong enough to share your emotional life with another person. We tend to be an impulsive group and, if anything, this is often exaggerated in early sobriety. Early on, I think, it's more about managing expectations than it is finding solutions to dating. If dating is framed as a life and death experience, then the outcome is all but guaranteed.
Proceed with caution.
I don't generally meet people IRL who I've met online and who present an opportunity for a romantic relationship (at least in my mind), so that's not an issue for me.
In AA and in most respectable rehabs, we are cautioned not to get involved with someone in the first year since getting sober involves a great deal of emotional and physical upheaval (just as does early romance), among much else. Many newcomers to sobriety interpret this as jealousy or a twisted desire that they not have "fun" immediately after putting down the drink. Nothing is further from the truth. Many of us have witnessed the apocalyptic outcomes that getting involved in early sobriety brings, despite a few notable exceptions. (A friend of mine defines the mythical "Thirteenth Step" in this way: "My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone.")
I don't know that there's a satisfactory answer to your question beyond trial and error after you feel strong enough to share your emotional life with another person. We tend to be an impulsive group and, if anything, this is often exaggerated in early sobriety. Early on, I think, it's more about managing expectations than it is finding solutions to dating. If dating is framed as a life and death experience, then the outcome is all but guaranteed.
Proceed with caution.
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