334 days... been a bit difficult lately
 

Since Thanksgiving (I am in Canada so that was a couple of weeks ago) I have felt a stronger urge to give in and drink. I have crippling anxiety these days. I seriously thought the anxiety I had was due largely to drinking before now I wake up and wonder what symptoms will set me off during the day. It's a bit frustrating because I really thought by now I would be in a better place. I am not saying I am in a terrible place but I feel like lately I have been down.

I had a minor operation a couple of weeks ago (no pain meds) but since then it feels as if I am emotionally weak and will cry and take offense to anything (kind of like when i was drinking) and I start to ask myself the crazy question of what the point is? I feel like it's truly impossible to really kick back and relax. I admit I am a bit jealous of my friends I was out with tonight who could put their feet up and have a few drinks.

Sobriety has been the only choice for me I know. But now I am in overdrive most of the time. I make money from my paintings and every chance I get I paint and I should be happy now that I am selling and making money but I feel like I am just running on a wheel and once I've stopped painting for the night the anxiety begins.... I should be doing more.

I've made so many good life decisions in the last 11 months and I feel like I have come a long way some days. However lately I have been leaning on the romantic days of wine and cigarettes. I guess it's just a rough period.
Besides the plethora of drunken incidents i have to choose from I have the thought, -at least I am not hung over dealing with this anxiety- that would be worse. and things will be better than the last few weeks if I stay sober.

Do you think a bit of PAWS might be the problem?

Don't underestimate what other pressures you've had, like surgery /stress etc, can knock our metabolism off course.

Be gentle on yourself, you've got some good time under your belt. Life does have bumps, sober or not.

Cusper, your new avatar is gorgeous; is it one of your paintings??!!

Have you considered yoga or meditation to help with the anxiety?

334 days is great, Cusper.

(Edit: just saw your response to my same question on another tread - truly beautiful work, Cusper!!!!).

Croissant, yes, I think it very well could be PAWS. My head just doesn't feel quite right and yes, I also do think it was the operation. I have a young son and a husband that doesn't really believe in being sympathetic to others in pain because he thinks it just perpetuates the problem but I don't have a lot of space to myself to recover. I guess I just didn't want to make a big deal of it.

Thanks again Soberleigh. It is one of my paintings. I love rainy street scenes... or just anything to make a painting glow. I will put up a new one later, let me know what you think. I am always a bit selective because I am afraid one of my friends might be on here and would be reading my posts.

I completely understand, Cusper. You are a very gifted artist.

Actually yes, I think I am going to look for a yoga class nearby. My sister in law suffers from the same types of anxiety that I do and she says that yoga is really really helping her.

I really think a lot of my anxiety also comes from this bubble I live in- I need to get out in the world a bit more and I think my brain wouldn't be in overdrive so much. Yoga seems like a good start.

Hang in there Cusper! Yoga sounds like a good idea!

I love the painting Cusper - you have great talent :)

Have you ever spoken to any one professionally about your anxiety?

D